AND setting the dog on fire...You know the best part about doing a podcast like this? If I feel like posting 'em out of order: I just frickin' DO IT! Yeah! Jason from Redrum Radio and my sister Heather join Collin and I this week for a special hour-long episode covering the music that we like, the weird shit in my iTunes, Collin's fearsome "daddy voice," a visit from Collin's poorly behaved child, phone calls from Felecia and a metric assload more...Download, listen and ENJOY, effers!

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, awesomecasts, podcasts

And yet again, we find ourselves staring Wednesday dead in the face. Surely I'm about to hit you folks with yet another episode of the ol' awesomecast. What with Collin on vacation, however, I'm flying solo for this week's 'cast and, since I'm painfully uncompelling on my own, this episode is really just a showcase of some of the audio entries which used to grace the pages of my blog and, of course, predated this podcast here. Anyhow, right here is where you clicky to listen:

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, awesomecasts, podcasts, spoof commercials

Hey there, thanks for stopping by...Say, do you happen to have approximately 8 minutes and 49 seconds to spare? Well, if you do, you should stay and watch today's video...It just so happens to be highlights from a rousing game of Curses filmed a little over a month ago. While said video may be a bit long, it does feature some rather unpredictable (and even funny) moments which you may just find to be worth the time. Speaking of which, here it is:
you know, if you really want to understand what's happenin', headphones would be in order.

As always, thanks for stopping by. You kids have a great weekend now...

Labels: all those funny voices, collin crap, indignities, stuff mom's done, vaunted videoblogs

And it IS Tuesday, September 19, 2006 which, if'n you're inclined to pay attention to such things, is international Talk Like A Pirate Day. Not being one to let such things pass sans fanfare, I am prepared to offer to you crazy kids two (count 'em - TWO) examples of your humble bloghost (that would be me) talking like a pirate under legitimate circumstances. The first is a bit cut from my short-lived stint as a DJ at a classic rock station here in town. This was from January of 2003, the day that the Oakland Raiders were set to take on the eventual Super Bowl Champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers - An all-pirate superbowl! It's not radio gold by any stretch of the imagination but I do get to have a conversation with myself on the air. Go ahead and take a listen:


Additionally, as if that weren't good enough, here I have an example of a commercial that I ACTUALLY GOT PAID TO DO for an ACTUAL car dealer...The sales event was called the "Pirates of the Car-I'd-Be-In." Sadly, on the day that the spot had to be cut, I had a bit of a sinus infection so I wasn't in full piratey glory but...it's passable. I like the parrot at the end, personally. Regardless, here that is:


So there you go...Don't forget to talk like a scurvy pirate for the rest of today! YARR!

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, holidays, radio stories, sports

Lo, it is Friday and all is good. Ooh, also: it's the beginning of one of those "holiday" weekends, what with that "Labor Day" thing happening on Monday. Anyhow, just as I promised earlier in the week, I shall now display to you my fledgling effort at being "funny" on stage...It's not the whole act but...Well, I cut some out because I said some things that certain people might not be able to understand as "jokes" (and I don't mean I was racist, I called some people "assholes") but the rest...well, it's in there. I'd apologize for the first two minutes of the video, but I think the final two should more than make up for them. Anyhow, enjoy:
Hey: if you're like "under 18" or you're like..."my mom," don't watch the video. I "curse" AND "swear" in it. Thank you.

So there's that. I hope you all have a fine weekend now...Oh, and if you're wondering what the whole Pat Angello in a dress thing is about, go here and scroll down a few and find the one that says he's in a dress.

Labels: all those funny voices, Bad Stand-Up Comedy, Freak Train, religion, vaunted videoblogs

*Psst*...Don't tell anyone, but it's like...ACTUALLY Wednesday today and I'm ACTUALLY hitting you kids with a "big audio Wednesday" audio entry for the SECOND WEEK IN A ROW! WHOO! Ok, so yeah, maybe that doesn't warrant praise being heaped upon me and your undying adulation and/or laaaaaaaarge sums of cash but you know what? it DOES show that I care...

That's right, dammit! I CARE!..Heh...Anyhow...

Unless you've been in a coma for a while or you REALLY hate "news" in general, you're probably aware that this thing called "meth" is sweeping the country like a smelly plague, with meth labs getting busted (or simply exploding) all across this great land, most of the time in the places which you WOULD suspect them to be, but sometimes not...Sometimes meth labs are being discovered where you would LEAST suspect them to be. Regardless, there's this "meth" stuff and it's volatile and illegal and people make it and sell it and that's why I can only buy like ONE cold tablet at a time when my allergies are REALLY REALLY bad and that sucks. In case you're wondering where I'm going with this, that's what today's audio entry is all about, makin' light of harmful, illegal activity, specifically "meth cooks" and things...and stuff...So yeah...Here that is:

So there you go: the workaday duties of your average meth cook just got a whole lot easier (and safer!). Regardless, I Hope you enjoyed it...have a fine Wednesday, kids!..

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, spoof commercials

Holy CRAP! I actually did up an audio entry for you kids to (maybe) enjoy here on Big Audio Wednesday! This is living proof, kids, that if you really put your mind to something, you can accomplish whatever you want in life...

Ok, I lie. THIS is simply proof that, if you feel compelled to bang out a script in 3 or 4 minutes and record something real quick-like before you go to bed, you can accomplish having some half-assed sequel to some other half-assed audio entry available to post the following day. Regardless, before we get too far into this, those of you who are relatively new to the ol' blogsitething here may want to check out the original Pooper Scooter 2000 audio entry. If you do that, today's audio entry might make sense. Hell, it may even make you chuckle, if only slightly. You go ahead, check that out...I'll wait right here...

(muzak version of Symphony of Destruction)...

Ah, good, you're back! Ok, now that you've (hopefully) learned all about space-age polymers, dual-purpose navigation thrones and assless chaps, it's time for you kids to hear the next installment in the Zipco Pooper Scooter family of fake commercials...Hot damn, here comes the Pooper Scooter 2001!

So there's that...As per usual, I handled all of the male voices in the spot but, as a gesture of goodwill, I asked my wife to tackle both of the female voices. Anyhow, you all have a fine Wednesday!

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, spoof commercials

Ooh, it's Wednesday! Ash Wednesday, to be exact, the day that all you good Catholics go to get "stuff" smeared on your forehead. I'd like to say that today's audio entry is, in some way, in honor of this grand Catholic tradition, but it's not. No, today's audio entry is simply the audio entry which I had completed and ready to go for today and in no way reflects the day's serious religious significance. I should've done a follow-up to Rosary Ford or somethin'...

Oh well...

Anyway, today I have for you good people the second (of two, so far) in the Big Ass Hotdog franchise of audio entries. Admittedly, today's entry was just an excuse for me to do a couple of half-assed celebrity impressions...Regardless, here it comes:

So there you go...Enjoy the rest of your Wednesday, wallowing in all the wonderful things that only giant, weinery bliss can bring...

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, religion, spoof commercials

And so, we find ourselves at "Wednesday," the day which promises that my garbage will be carted off by those guys and their "big truck" and also that I'll toss a substandard audio entry towards you good people...You know, I'd love nothing more than to present something so friggin' awesome today that it'd MORE THAN make up for me being a weak-ass slacker and not having anything to share last week but, sadly, last week's "non-audio entry" may turn out to be better than what I do have for you today...

Regardless, lets get to it, shall we?

Today's entry is an advertisement for a fictional institution which can help you "fail your way to the top" as so many top level executives seem to be doing these days. Granted, lying on one's resume is nothing new - it's seems to be a widespread and time-honored practice - but most companies don't take too kindly once they figure out the ruse...Anyhow, enough of that crap...Just take a listen:

So there's that...In all fairness, today's entry was just as much an excuse to record myself doing a half-assed British accent as anything. Regardless, you all have a fine hump day, filled with the joy that only productive failure and massive severance packages could bring...

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, misguided rantings, spoof commercials

Ahh, for the simplicity of "the good old days" back when gas was cheap, the air smelled good and people could actually be classified and/or certified as an "idiot." Granted, I can't actually REMEMBER these "old days," but I have heard tell of old-timey scales of intelligence that actually featured measurable and assignable "levels o' smartness" which included "moron," "idiot" and "imbecile." So see? If your great-grandfather perhaps uttered the phrase "you can't marry that boy: he's an idiot" to your grandmother, he may have actually had paperwork to support his assertion...

Anyhow...

One of the reasons that I bring this up is that my sister, for the past few years, has been absolutely silly with the genealogy stuff. A couple of weeks ago, when we went to see the Avalanche play the Stars, she brought up that she had found some early-part-of-the-century census forms and, even though the idiot wasn't in OUR family tree (God forbid) there were actual "idiots" listed in that particular county's census. While this fact gave her motivation to try and ferret out the idiots in OUR family tree, it gave me an idea for an audio entry which, because it IS "big audio Wednesday," I will share with you all...now:

So there's that...You all have a fine and productive Wednesday which should be easy as long as all of those "imbeciles" you work with could leave you alone and let you get some "stuff" done for once...Heh...

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, me roots, spoof commercials

So I was reading a news report about some pack of ghoulish nutcases in New Jersey who have been doing what is commonly called "body harvesting" in that they've been hacking apart old and/or diseased corpses which have had the misfortune to come in to their respective network of funeral homes for "preparation" and, subsequently, have been selling off said "hacked-up" parts to be used in transplantation, passing off these substandard hunks o' human as "young" and/or "fresh" when they are usually anything but...Seriously, I dig cash money just as much as the next guy but c'mon: things don't get much more sick and twisted than that...Anyhow, like most things "sick and twisted," I was hoping that I could make a fun audio entry emerge out of all of the aforementioned gruesomeness (also: sorrow)...I really wasn't able to make it all come together, though, until last week while on IM with the (now legendary) Pat Angello...For reasons that are now lost to history (and my poor short-term memory), Mr. And-Jello utilized the "pig-latin" for the word "burn" (urn-bay) which, when I read it, made everything come together for me...As such, I have for you good people (yet another) Corpus Crispy Crematorium-themed fake radio advertisement...After all, why shouldn't everyone's favorite fictional funeral home cash in on the whole "pieces and parts for fun and profit" scene?..I now present (with fanfare, no less) the world premiere of urnbay.com:

So that's that...You all have a fine Wednesday now, free from body harvesters, crooked funeral directors and anyone else who would want to defile your sweet, sweet innards...

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, lame stories, spoof commercials, spooky shit

Ok, kids, it's "Wednesday" and you know what that means...

No, Not THAT...Sicko...It means that I've got (yet another) audio entry for your ear's pleasure...Indeed, today's entry is actually kind of a rip-off of a "real-life" spot which I had the pleasure of voicing for an actual dealer a couple of Halloweens ago...Of course, THAT (real) spot wasn't quite as fun as today's because, simply, I don't get to write or produce those "real-life" ones. but for you, kids: nothing but the best...

Hey, stop laughing...IS TRUE!..

Anyhow, today's spot is for the very fictional Vlad Dracul Hyundai...Imagine if the count...or prince...or whatever decided that sucking the blood of virgins JUST WASN'T ENOUGH and decided to sell inexpensive imports to the unwashed masses...Such a scenario might sound a bit like this:

so there you go...Have a great Wednesday, kids...

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, spoof commercials, spooky shit

Way back when I started this weird little blogsitething, among the first things which I posted was a pair of audio entries for a fictional funeral home called Corpus Crispy Crematorium. These were based on a post that Collin had written which, to make a short story long, came about as part of a patented Collin "witty comment" which was uttered during a conversation here at work...

Anyhow, since last Wednesday featured the continuation of the (vaunted) ValuHo series, and since everything old is new again, I invite you to take a listen to the newest Corpus Crispy Crematorium fictional advertisment:



As per usual, I'm both of the voices in the spot. Just as a sidenote, I really like shouting the word "CLOWNS!" Try it yourself, it just might brighten up your day...Go ahead...Nobody's watching...

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, collin crap, spoof commercials, spooky shit

So I got to thinkin', as I was putting together my recent weak-ass year in review post that I have been exceptionally lax as it pertains to audio entries recently...I mean, when I first started doing this stupid blogsitething, I was cranking out audio entries like so many rabbit babies would be cranked out by even a mildly promiscuous rabbit mommy and daddy...Regardless of my own post-related promiscuity, I have for you all today (finally)...An audio entry...



Of course, this is not only a continuation of my (vaunted) ValuHo audio entry series, but also the next step, if you will, in the saga of Big Al's Pike's Peek (Gentlemen's club and plumbing supply). Granted, the real Big Al doesn't talk with an east coast accent, but I thought that such things might bring more to the table...As usual, I am both of the voices in today's entry...I hope you all enjoyed it.

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, spoof commercials

I got to thinkin' here recently that it's been SO LONG since I produced and posted an audio entry on this blogsite thing (the last time was in late June) that some of you might not even realize that I do ANY audio stuff.

Seriously...I do audio stuff...

If'n you haven't up to this point, I'd encourage you to check out some of the old ones at the audio archive (it's linked in the sidebar). Before you do THAT, though, I'd like you stick around and listen to my most recent one...It's nothing special, but what the Hell...

You've no doubt seen the commercials for those career institute-type places which promise to get you all learned up on a new career just by taking courses by mail or now via the fabled "internets." I've always been mildly amused at the claims and the testimonials which these advertisements feature and it got me thinkin' one day that, if there's a market for places that can train you in a new, and seemingly above-board, career, why can't there be one that trains you to do stuff that can earn you significantly more money AND, at the same time, attention from the authorities? An example of a commercial for just such an establishment can be heard right here:

Admittedly, it's not very slickly produced, but that was kind of the point: A fly-by-night type of deal where you may, or may not, learn enough to make some quick cash...Hope you enjoyed it...

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, spoof commercials

You've no doubt seen the commercials on television, late-night or otherwise, for those "Invention Submission" places which promise that, if you'll merely send them information about YOUR idea or invention, they'll "help you market" said idea. Now, I've personally always been more than a little leery of companies like this. It seems to me that you'd have to be really friggin' desperate, extremely naive, or "both" to want to share the particulars of an invention that YOU came up with that could potentially make YOU rich with someone whom you only just met by watching a television commercial when you really should've just been in bed...That said, I've ever actually had the occasion to "invent" anything, I'm just sayin' that, if I did, I doubt that my first call would be to a bunch of hacks who are only allowed to advertise during the Late, Late Show...

Well, ok...They advertise during the daylight hours as well...But c'mon...

While I was recently in Las Vegas, I witnessed possibly a "metric shitload" of commercials for these inventor's idea submission outfits...In fact, it seemed that every third commercial had something to do with "patenting your invention" or "submitting your idea to industry." Of course, personal injury lawyers, bail bondsmen and seedy slot and keno joints were the main subjects of most of the OTHER advertising I remember seeing on television there...Comparatively, it didn't make the invention folks seem so bad...All of this, I assume, has to do with the "percentage of desperate people" in the las Vegas area...

After all, you have to know your audience...

Anyhow, at one point, Big Al asked me if I had given thought to making fun of the whole "invention submission" idea. My answer was a decisive "not yet," although, in truth, I hadn't really given any thought to the subject as a whole until he said something. After being immersed for a few days in the advertising for these seemingly benevolent corporations, though, I felt that I had no choice but to try with the "making fun." There is a "tweest," however, to my spoofing today...The "tweest" is, in fact, that I decided to do the spoof all "old timey" and stuff...Allow me to "set the stage"...The year: 1912...The scam: Ye Olde Inventor's Clearing House...The inventions: old...The people: Dead by now...You: implored to listen and (hopefully) enjoy...

Now, c'mon...Is that crap the "bee's knees" or what? You all have a fine Thursday now...

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, spoof commercials

Sometime in the late 80s, or maybe the early 90s, the scourge that is Caller I.D. technology was made available to the pathetic, mewling masses. Of course, there ARE ways to work around said identification technology but, if you're on a PBX system (as we are here at work), you simply can't use such methods block an outgoing call. As it stands, that makes it quite hard to call someone and tell them you're calling from the bustling metropolis that is New York City when you are, in fact, calling from Colorado Springs, CO. Because they have this "Caller ID," they won't believe you and your prank, which would've been a rockin' one, is foiled. FOILED! This is the reason that my first prank on Friday went belly up. The second one, though, went very well...

It was suggested that I target one of the people who works here at the agency. This particular person has come up with some pretty questionable campaign ideas which just flat out aren't selling. The gist of the prank was that I would call him and pretend to be the General Manager of a dealership in New Jersey (utilizing my thickest, goombah Jersey accent) that wanted to use some of the aforementioned "lame" stuff which he came up with and, subsequently, do business with the agency. A lot of business, in fact, along the lines of $100,000 per month. I had to enlist the cooperation of the front desk lady, specifically in bypassing the caller ID that is on his phone. In fact, just about everybody knew what was gonna go down except for him. Anyhow, I made the call and fooled him good. I could type more details, but it just wouldn't do the call justice. I will pass along that the "victim" was so mad that the whole thing was a joke, that he had to go walk around to "cool off." Hee hee heeeee.

Mission accomplished...

Now, on to current events. Collin is having a fun little Photoshop (or whichever image editing software you non-professionals would use) contest featuring a lovely pulp cover from the 50s. You should all participate! My (3) entries are featured below. You may click on any of them to see them larger:


I've got PRUNE HANDS!



That guy in the bushes is just creepy.



Tree bark hurts a bit...

In addition to all of that, Rocket Jones is having a banner design contest. Since I'm apt to do such things, here are the two that I slapped together for that:


That, kids, is Werner Von Braun of World War Two Rocket fame. In this banner, he's cursing up a storm (in German) and looks quite upset (also in German).



I ripped the image off of an old Oldsmobile ad, but I still like it.

So there's that! All of you! Go and participate in the contests! It will make you feel happy. HAPPY! That is all.

Labels: all those funny voices, lame stories, Phun With Photoshop, Stupid Contests

I don't think that there's been any sort of entry on my blog yet that was "awaited." The spoof radio commercial for Big Ass Hotdog, though, seems to be the exception to the rule. Perhaps it's all the buildup, or simply the fact that I'm actually tying together a fake print ad with a fake radio ad. No matter the reason for the (minor) clamoring to hear the Big Ass Hotdog radio spot, the wait is over. I now present to you, the fake radio commercial for the (just as fake) Big Ass Hotdog grand opening:

I was able to utilize Kathy, a freelancer at the agency I work at AND one of the original ValuHos, for the first female voice part and my wife, making her spoof audio debut, as the second. I am the other voices in the spot. Hope you enjoy it!

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, spoof commercials

I'm sure that, at some point in time, you've seen the commercials which air on cable TV for outfits such as the Scooter Store...These are the places which target the elderly with their "mobility products," claiming to get your grammy or grampy "up and about" at no cost to them (no doubt by overcharging SOMEONE'S insurance somewhere). I've often wondered, though, when these shysters would try and "kill two birds with one stone," so to speak, and try and grab the market share from other "elderly targeted" products. I have for you all today, my version of the "mini-infomercial" for just such a miracle product. A product which would solve mobility AND incontinence issues for the elderly...The Pooper Scooter 2000...

it's made of "space age polymers!" And...Um...Assless Chaps...

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, spoof commercials

in honor of MLK Day, I am re-posting a post which I posted in August. As you'll see, the post has "stuff" in it related with MLK day. Happy MLK day, kids...

_____


If you were to classify me based solely upon my age, you would have no choice other than to include me as a member of that "elite caste" that is commonly called "generation x." This little tidbit of information isn't something that I'll readily offer up, mostly because I simply DON'T FIT the popularly perpetuated persona (say THAT three times fast...) that "Xers" are thought (by the media and other misinformed assholes) to exude. Regardless, being that I AM an "Xer," if only by timing, I am afforded the unique opportunity to be acutely aware of the circumstances surrounding the creation of the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday. The first year that we, as a nation (sans Arizona), officially celebrated said holiday was the same year that I was in 6th grade at Widefield Elementary School.

As a "school kid," myself, and the other little "Xer" bastards, had historical facts drilled into our collective brains on a fairly regular basis, especially when such facts could be tied into an upcoming holiday. The prevailing wisdom there was that, if us kids were gonna have a day off from learnin', well then by God WE'D KNOW WHY! (Go ahead, go outside and NOT LEARN, but you'd better THINK about why you get to play...) I'm sure this isn't too much different from any generation who came before or after us, you're all probably well aware of the procedure...Leading up to Columbus Day, we learned about the Niña, the Pinta and the Santa Frickin' Maria (I hear that, if the Pinta were to be rear-ended by the Niña, it would've exploded). Leading up to President's day, we learned about Big George and Honest Abe (The Chrry tree thing: fiction. Emancipation Proclamation: fact). Leading up to Christmas, we would learn that our Lord and Saviour JESUS CHRIST died on the cross for OUR SINS, so when you're opening up those packages full of socks and underwear on Christmas day, YOU'D BETTER APPRECIATE IT, YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE ASSHOLES!..

Ok, I'm kidding. I went to a public school so we weren't allowed to learn about such inflammatory subjects (like "Christopher Columbus")...Anyhoo...

As you'd suspect, leading up to the inaugural Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King Junior holiday, all us kids got some heavy book learnin' in about segregation, civil rights and many other facts (also: minutia) in regards to the life of Dr. King. In addition, in honor of the FIRST EVER official celebration of Dr. King's life and work, our school was to plan an assembly presentation, with us 6th graders doin' the bulk of the "presentin'." Now, if you've never experienced an all-school assembly first hand, here's some quick background for ya...All of the children who attended the school, along with all of the faculty and staff, would gather in the gymnasium/cafeteria and watch the "chosen ones" (in this case, us) put on whatever little show they (we) were supposed to...well..."put on." After that, there would usually be a "second performance" in the evening for all of the parents. This particular production was no exception. We all rehearsed songs and skits that, presumably, were designed to help us sixth-grade crackers give all of the younger crackers some insight into the life, death and accomplishments of Dr. King. The highlight of our little "show" was the "closing" which, it was decided upon, should be a live reading of Dr. King's (wildly popular) "I Have A Dream" speech.

Now, I've said in the past that I'm really very "white," and I am. In fact, I bypass "milk bottle" and head straight for "total cracker," I'll readily admit that. This does not mean, however, that my schooling was void of diversity. On the contrary, I had a very "diverse" group of classmates, racially AND socio-economically. The community where I grew up is not far from a number of military bases and, as such, many different kids sporting many different backgrounds came and went. There were numerous children of every imaginable ethnic heritage at Widefield Elementary while I was in attendance. Getting down to brass tacks here, there were children at the school, in the same grade, of African-American descent available for such a speech. Why am I telling you all of this? Well, it's simple, really...

In what can only be described as a "stroke of (ignorant) brilliance," on what was supposed to be one of the most racially unifying days in American History, the staff members involved in putting the MLK Day assembly together tapped ME to read the famous speech...

I am not kidding...

Obviously, I was flattered to have been chosen for such a responsibilty-laden assignment, but I couldn't help but be confused..."Why not John Parmalee or Edward? Why me?" I inquired. I was then told that, after much thought and consideration, I was chosen because I had the ability to (and I quote) "do all of those funny voices."

No shit..."Funny voices."

Let's put this into perspective, shall we? One of the most brilliant orators of the 20th century delivers an empassioned speech dealing with deep issues such as civil rights, equality and hope during a very tumultuous time in our history at great personal and professional risk to himself and I'm supposed to re-enact it on the FIRST EVER day officially set aside by our country to recognize his accomplishments because I can do "funny voices?" Apparently, I'm supposed to approach the "I Have A Dream" speech as if I'm doing an impression of Groucho Marx, how frickin' wrong is THAT? Regardless of the circumstances, the assignment was mine, so I took on the task of learning Dr. King's famous speech as best I could. During the assembly, I was to break into the speech directly following a song, performed by other members of my class. I was told by the music teacher that, if I missed my cue, there was potential to be drowned out by applause, so I HAD TO BE ALERT!...I COULD NOT MISS MY CUE!..

"Hell yeah," I thought, "I DAMN WELL better be alert"...It's not bad enough that some chubby little blond afro-headed kid was set to mimic the greatest civil rights leader in history, but what if, all of a sudden, people could be led to believe that I was merely hanging out at the front of the gym muttering to myself and disrupting the celebration?..The potential for disaster, I estimated, was very, very real. I rehearsed my part until I was sure that I had it down and then, just 'cause I was mortified, I rehearsed some more. I was going to be READY, dammit, regardless of how odd the whole thing seemed. Soon enough, the day of the assembly arrived. At the appointed hour, all of us whiteys took our respective places at the front of the cafeteria and set to the task of celebrating the life of Dr. King via skits and songs. While all of this was going on, there I stood at the front of the gym, paper in hand, ready to orate to the masses. I was dressed in my best slacks, a green polo shirt and my black "Members Only®" knockoff jacket, my hair having been recently and neatly "picked" into a wonderfully round yellowish cloud. Just as the song, the end of which was to be my cue, "ended" and before our audience could "applaud," I spoke, using the most authoritative tone that my 11 year old throat could muster...

"I HAVE A DREAM TODAY..."

As I delivered my adolescent version of one of the greatest speeches of all time, I was pleasantly surprised to find that all of my preparation had not been in vain. The words flowed from my mouth with passion and inflection, in fact, I barely had to look at the words on the paper which I had been clenching so nervously in my hand the whole time. As I finished the speech, I felt very calm and very relieved. The other students clapped and cheered and it seemed that the whole assembly had been quite the success, as elementary school assemblies go...I now realize what an honor it was to have been chosen to read the speech, even if it was an obviously screwy thing to begin with. I had a job to do and I did it. As long as I live, I'll never forget that I had the privilege of being "King for a day."

Labels: all those funny voices, holidays, indignities, lame stories, me roots, tales of triumph