Behold! Lo, we have reached the day called "Friday" and it is good. What's also good is that, even though I was way too busy to even attempt this week's Illustration Friday topic, I still found time to present you crazy kids with (yet another) Phrickin' Photoblog. Of course, it's the middle of February and, as you'll soon see, I'm just getting around to sharing pictures of our Christmas Day festivities at my aunt and uncle's place with you...Er...Anyway, compulsive procrastination aside, here thar be PICTURES! ARRRR!
Just click the damn things, they'll get much bigger. It saves strain on your little eyes. Yes it does.


Here you can see the bounty of appetizery goodness which met us when we arrived. Well...Some of it, anyway...And no, them little pigs-in-a-blanket things are not cooked. They were eventually cooked, though, along with the potato mixture you can see my cousin's arm helping my dad's hand with. Additionally, the two items which resemble Pop-Tarts are peppermint bark, the Easter egg-looking things are almonds and the things in the larger tub were cheesecake lollipops, an overly ambitious endeavor which turned out to be pretty much an abject failure. The good news? I just found the remote.


Here's a scene from our upcoming feature film "Catzilla 8: Catzilla (passively, and when he's damn good and ready) Takes Jerusalem." Ok, you got me...It's just my aunt and uncle's cat hanging out in the nativity scene, hoping to score an audience with Baby Jesus. Of course, all of the waiting will be in vain for the poor cat since my mother completely obliterated Baby Jesus from this particular nativity scene a few years back...Apparently HER Baby Jesus was fused to his manger...My aunt and uncle's? Not so much. My mom? Just wanting to see if theirs was. Baby Jesus? One million pieces on the floor. It was a sad...HEY! IS THAT AN INDIAN IN THE NATIVITY SCENE?..


...Holy crap, it IS! What the...What in the Heck is a little indian doing in a nativity scene?


And...HEY! What the Hell!? That looks like Johnny Goddamn Appleseed! What kind of nativity is this, anyway?


Anyway, ceramic shenanigans aside, let's get back to the Christmassy, gifty openy portion of the day...Here I am proudly displaying the fine gift of booze which my aunt and uncle were thoughtful enough to bring me back from the mythical land of Mexico: IS DON RAMON TEQUILA! Just look at that fancy bottle!


Here's my uncle Ray proudly displaying his...HEY! is he MOCKING me!?


And here's a shot of my wife, modeling the fashionable earrings which she had just received. At least SHE'S not mocking me...At least, I THINK that she's not mocking me...Not right now, anyways...


Hey, kids! Does YOUR family have any Christmas traditions? (Look, if you're Jewish or Muslim or anything, just bear with me, ok?) My family doesn't have many, really...In fact, we barely have any at all. One proud tradition that we DO have, though, is that my aunt Mary Beth receives the ugliest possible shirt we can find. Without fail, every year, poor Mary Beth has to add yet another horrendous blouse to her closet just so we can have a little chuckle. She's a good sport about it all, though...In fact, if you click the image, you'll get a larger image of Mary Beth bravely modeling the shirt (which was picked up THIS year from the dollar bin at a Big Lots in Las Vegas).

So there's that, kids. As always, thanks for stopping by: you all have a fine weekend, now...

Labels: holidays, Phrickin' Photoblogs, religion

So remember back about 3 weeks ago when our old buddy Collin and myself began a discussion about how Kevin D. Denee was crazy 'cause he thinks that blogging is the devil? Remember that? Good, 'cause this week's episode is the continuation of THAT episode from three weeks ago...So here it comes:

Labels: audio, awesomecasts, collin crap, misguided rantings, podcasts, religion

So yeah, since it's "Election Day," I voted before I came into work this morning. I can't say that the process was "out of the ordinary" at all (though it could have been) since, when faced with the choice of paper ballot and new-fangled touch screen voting, I went the way of tradition and chose (dun dun dun) a paper ballot. In retrospect, choosing touch screen might have got me in and out faster but it wouldn't have afforded me the joy of not only standing next to quite possibly the most foul-smelling person I've run across in a long time (I was really hoping people didn't think it was me) but also standing in line near a fat old man who apparently has all of the secrets for how to run the world locked away in his fat, old brain. "this is a dumb-ass way to run things" he kept saying as us paper balloters all waited for a booth to open up. He acted as if people cared what he thought (and I felt bad for the poor woman who was nearest to him, she kept doing the "um...uh huh....hmm" thing, likely hoping that the floor of the library at the school where we were voting would cave in right under this guy and swallow him up). Well, to be fair, she may not have been hoping that, but it would've made for a better story...Anyhow...

Here in Colorado, we had a few measures on the ballot, not the least of which were two separate initiatives which had to do with them gays gettin' all married up. One would've been a constitutional amendment (our state constitution, before you get all goofy on me) which would define marriage as "a union between one man and one woman." Now, while that suits ME and my wife just fine, I voted against this proposal because, let's face it, if it passes, it'll just send the state into litigation HELL for the next couple of years (and also we'll get called all sorts of names in the media). Well, that and it's pretty selfish to try and force our values and stuff on other people. But anyhow, the other was an initiative to make domestic partnerships valid in our county and to allow the county clerk to charge like...7 bucks for a "domestic partnership license." Clearly these two initiatives are in conflict with one another (it's like taking a true/false test where the questions are the same, just worded differently). I actually was planning on voting FOR this until I got to the polling place and read the full text of the initiative. I can't remember the exact verbiage which made me vote against it, but I did vote against it. Regardless, I voted and I even did one of those "write-in" things for the first time in my life, writing in our old buddy Collin for the U.S. House of Representatives. When I told him about this development, Collin said that he expects to finish "a distant third." I told him that a distant twelfth would be more realistic...I figure I'm not the only one who wrote someone in on that line...But anyway...

So yesterday evening was "test night" for us wrasslin' officials. If you've ever had to take a state test for officiating of any sport, you know that it's the kind of true/false test which I mentioned earlier. The trick to taking these tests is two-fold: read and understand the rule books for the sport you intend to officiate and then (duh) READ THE GODDAMNED QUESTIONS! I'm of the opinion that these questions don't so much test your grasp on the rules as they do your ability to memorize words in the rule book. Small differences in terminology make a huge difference in the answer on tests like these. Not to be a bragggart, but I must be pretty decent at the whole "rote memorization" thing...I scored 95 out of a possible 100 which ain't so bad...Next year, Goddammit, I'm goin' for the whole hundred...

But back to election day stuff...On the corner of a major intersection not far from where I work, for the past week (or more) there have been supporters of one of the candidates for...um...something (most likely a district I don't vote in) on the sidewalks and in the median waving their signs in support of said candidate (whom, I've been told, is nothing more than the political puppet of the recently defamed Pastor Ted Haggard). This particular morning, being that it was election day, these people were out in force, waving signs and waving at cars and such. Two of the supporters in particular appeared to be high school-aged males who were holding up poorly lettered signs which read "honk for (their candidate's name)." They were quite animated, making the traditional "honk the semi horn" motion when trucks passed and almost begging motorists stopped in the turn lane closest to them to show them a little love by tootin' their car horn, as it were. I was stopped at the light at this intersection just long enough to have the following thought come to mind: If there happened to be a vehicle which lost it's brakes barreling toward these two, blaring it's horn in the desperate hope that people would clear the way so it could subsequently crash into the back end of the convenience store on the corner there, would the two "honk if you love (candidate)" kids bail out, or would they smile and wave and pump their fists and give the thumbs up all the way to their most certain doom?

"hey, dude! Look! This guy REALLY likes our candidate!" (crash).

So anyhow, I think that's quite enough rambling for today. Don't forget that tomorrow is awesomecast day! As always, thanks for stopping by: you all have a fine Tuesday now...

Labels: indignities, lame stories, religion, sports, tales of triumph

And welcome (officially) to Wednesday. For this week's awesomecast, myself, my wife and our old buddy Collin (via the telephone, of course. No need to leave your palatial estate when you gots one) are talking (briefly) about being fat, I then advocate Collin as the potential winner of a contest (of sorts) and then we talk about an article written by some nutty cult guy about how blogging is the Devil...Or something...Anyhow, here you go:

Labels: audio, awesomecasts, collin crap, I eat food, podcasts, religion

Hey, welcome to Friday! I know that I've been lax in my duties lately as far as the ol' Phrickin' Photoblog is concerned and, SURPRISE, today is really no different. Oh, sure, I could easily show you kids a whole new batch of pictures of me playing hockey (only slightly less interesting than dogs playing poker) but today is not the day for such things. Nay, today IS the day for me to show you the video record of my most recent Freak Train appearance, which happened this past Monday (the 25th) up at the Bug Theatre in Denver, CO. I'm not promising that you'll be entertained if you choose to view said video or that you'll even be able to hear what I'm saying (headphones work best, just a tip from me to you). I'm not particularly proud of this here standup routine (specifically because I screwed up and forgot a really good segment in the later portion). Regardless, since we all know that I possess no shame whatsoever, here is that video:

Big thanks go to Pat Angello for operating the camera. One of the reasons that I mostly sucked while doing THIS month's routine was that I was spending too much time rehearsing for NEXT month's (Halloween-themed) routine...So hopefully that turns out a lot better. Regardless, thanks for stopping by: you all have a great weekend!..

Labels: Bad Stand-Up Comedy, Freak Train, religion, vaunted videoblogs

Lo, it is Friday and all is good. Ooh, also: it's the beginning of one of those "holiday" weekends, what with that "Labor Day" thing happening on Monday. Anyhow, just as I promised earlier in the week, I shall now display to you my fledgling effort at being "funny" on stage...It's not the whole act but...Well, I cut some out because I said some things that certain people might not be able to understand as "jokes" (and I don't mean I was racist, I called some people "assholes") but the rest...well, it's in there. I'd apologize for the first two minutes of the video, but I think the final two should more than make up for them. Anyhow, enjoy:
Hey: if you're like "under 18" or you're like..."my mom," don't watch the video. I "curse" AND "swear" in it. Thank you.

So there's that. I hope you all have a fine weekend now...Oh, and if you're wondering what the whole Pat Angello in a dress thing is about, go here and scroll down a few and find the one that says he's in a dress.

Labels: all those funny voices, Bad Stand-Up Comedy, Freak Train, religion, vaunted videoblogs

Ok, do me a quick favor, kids: look around your area and make sure that everything's neat and tidy and that you're ready for the MOTHERFUCKING APOCALYPSE! AAAAAAAAAAA! SACKCLOTH! ASHES! WAILING! GNASHING OF TEETH! MASS PANIC IN THE STREETS! BILLY RAY CYRUS ALBUMS ON AN ENDLESS LOOP! DOGS AND CATS LIVING TOGETHER! FIRE! BRIMSTONE! SAUERKRAUT! THE REMAKE OF THE MOVIE "THE OMEN!"

Oh, the humanity...

Yeah, so it just so happens that TODAY is Tuesday, the 6th of June, 2006. "So fucking what?" you are likely asking, while brushing bagel crumbs off of your newly stained shirt and wiping cream cheese off of your (this one's just for the ladies) slovenly, unshaven face. certainly, if you are an astute reader of this stupid little blog (and who isn't, right?), you would know that I already made mention LAST week of the fact that there are a number of theologians who now believe that the number six hundred sixty six being given the (dubious) distinction as the "number of the (motherfucking) beast" was nothing more than a mathematical error. That's right, kids, a couple thousand years later and these guys are JUST NOW getting around to checking the math. Anyhow, yeah: 666 is right out and now, the REALLY REAL number which the beast calls his (or her) own is REALLY (for the reals) "six hundred sixteen."

Well now...THAT'S anticlimactic...

616. six-one-six. "Number of the beast light: 50 fewer singles than the original number of the beast." Yep, kids, everything you thought you knew about the DEVIL is flat out WRONG: six hundred sixteen is the new number of the beast (and the new number of the beast is 616)...See, for the past TWO THOUSAND YEARS (give or take thirty), it seems that we've been collectively fearful of the WRONG FUCKING NUMBER. Oh, how silly we have been...What's next? Friday the 13th was REALLY SUPPOSED to be Friday the 15th but it fell on a Sunday that year and just wasn't convenient and oh, what the Hell, 13 sounds cooler? DAMMIT! GET YOUR SHIT STRAIGHT, PEOPLE WHO INTEND TO SCARE US ALL! Anyway, this recent development pretty much means that all of the hype surrounding this day which your friendly neighborhood death metal bands, satan worshippers and Hollywood execs have been waiting impatiently for like so many demented kids at Christmas with all of it's spooky, devilish potential is nothing but a load of horseshit. By this logic, the REAL day which we should have been all screwy about would've been the FIRST of June, 2006.'

Newsflash: That day has come and gone...

Yeah, so the "day of the beast," if you believe the NEW number came and went sans fanfare last Thursday. Think back to last Thursday with me, kids...Where were you? What were you doing? Did anything spooky and unexplainable happen last Thursday? Probably not, right? For me, personally, It was a normal day...I went to work, played hockey and went to bed without any apocalypticness. Of course, if you REALLY think about it, if ol' satan were gonna REALLY get us, don't ya think that the bastard would be sneaky enough NOT TO DO IT WHEN WE'RE COLLECTIVELY EXPECTING IT? of course he would! He'd nail us all on some RANDOM damn day, like...August 12th. Nobody expects shit to go down on August 12th! So anyway, if you ARE all skeered 'cause today's 06/06/06, well...Snap the Hell out of it, would ya? Get out and enjoy a beautiful late Spring day...have a picnic, feed some ducks, hold up a 7-11, poke fun at some panhandlers, put burning bags of dog crap on the porch of the local crackhouse, ring the doorbell and run, whatever makes you happy because after all, kids...

Today is just another day...

Labels: holidays, lame stories, misguided rantings, religion

No, really: I have NOTHING going on upstairs today. Nothing to type about, nothing to post, not a damn thing. Now, you'd think that, following a three-day weekend filled to the proverbial BRIM with mirth (also: relaxation) that I would be sufficiently recharged to the point where I would be able to provide you, loyal reader, with content which you could consider "worth a damn." Of course, if you thought that, you would be WRONG! SO STINKING WRONG!..W. Wrongy Wrongenstein! That would be YOUR name! Ha HA!..

Anyway...

Way back in February, HappyFunBall mentioned, in passing, that she wanted to see anything done up which was related to the phrase "Final Destination for Dummies." Being that I have the ability to produce such items in a rapid fashion, and given that I'll do just about anything goofy or strange, no questions asked, I did such a thing up. Considering it's current age (almost 3 months, it started walking last week!), I am now prepared to share that thing with you in lieu of anything mildly awesome (or, at the very least, slightly intriguing).
click it, it gets all "big"

In retrospect, since some theologians now believe the number of the beast to be 616, not 666, I should've made the edition correlate. Of course, doing such a thing would mean that I was not only "paying attention" but that I really "care about the little things" and those of you who actually know me understand that such a thing would be a rare occurance indeed...Anyhow, enjoy that stupid thing up there for now and, as always, thanks for stopping by...

Labels: lame stories, Phun With Photoshop, religion, spooky shit, stagnation

Wow, is it Thursday already? Well gee, since it is, I guess that means that I'm about to unveil my most recent Illustration Friday effort for you all to enjoy. This week's theme was "Angels and Devils," one which was thankfully a bit more inspiring than some which we've recently had. Regardless, here's what I came up with:
click to see bigger

Psh...Isn't that just like a baseball player to hit someone when they ain't lookin'...Thanks for stopping by, enjoy your Thursday, kids!

Labels: cartoons n' stuff, hockey stuff, Illustrations, religion, sports

So I got to thinkin' that, since yesterday was a back-to-work Monday, today HAS to be "Tuesday" and, seeing as I didn't post anything at all on "Monday," what better way is there to "get back into the swing of things" than to post something completely random today, on this "Tuesday" that we've got goin' here. Are you ready for some letters to become words and them words to become (gasp) sentences? ARE YOU!? Good, let's get this show on the road, so to speak...

How 'Bout Them Avalanche DUCKS!?
Holy Crapoli, what in the Hell has gotten into the Anaheim Mighty Ducks? I mean, they had to go the full 7 games with Cal-Gary and now, suddenly, they seem content to treat the (mighty) Avs like redheaded stepchildren, beating them mercilessly in the first two games of the series winning 5-0 and 3-0 respectively. So far, Ilya Bryzgalov has not allowed a goal in 3 straight games (dating back, of course, to the game 7 shutout of Les Flammes), a development which has churches in and around the Los Angeles metropolitan area changing their marquees collectively to "Ilya Saves." My theory on this is that, once the Avalanche "break the seal," so to speak, and score that first goal, Ol' Ilya should just crumble into a pile of mush, giving up goal after goal until he's yanked and the Avalanche will win four straight and take the series...

Hey, a guy can dream, can't he?

The next game in this series (affectionately known as "Avalanche goal watch 2006") is tonight at the Pepsi Center in Denver. Here's to Colorado putting at least one in the net...

If you love something, lose it. If it comes back to you, the person who found it was honest. If not, they were just dirty, dirty thieving bastards...
Before I start with this section, I have to say that, beyond my wedding band, I never wear jewelry...I'm just not the jewelry type...THIS is the only exeception to that rule...So way back when I was working at the Gazette, we'll say 1998, I misplaced my high school class ring. Once I realized that it was missing, I searched everywhere that I could think of but, alas, it turned out to be gone for good. Granted, my class ring wasn't anything terribly flashy, but it meant a lot to me. I had always planned to replace it someday and, with a little prodding from the wife (and some birthday money), I finally got around to designing and ordering a new one about a month ago. Here last week, my new (and improved) class of 1992 ring arrived and it looks a whole lot like this:
click to see it bigger

Neat, huh? Yeah...You may be asking yourself what exactly a 32 year old man needs with a high school class ring. The answer to that snotty question is simple, really: the tech school where I got my degree doesn't even exist anymore, I didn't go to an actual college and, c'mon, admit it: that's a pretty happenin' ring! It's taking a bit of getting used to, wearing that big chunky thing on my right hand so it spends almost as much time in it's case as it does on my finger, but I'm still pretty darn happy to have it, even if it isn't my original one...I just have to remember not to lose it...

...And Don't Forget to Wear Your Brace...
As a lot of you are aware, I've been away from actually playing hockey on an actual team since September of last year (when, of course, I turned my left MCL into a useless, shredded mess). Since I'm all healed up, though, all that is about to change as the next season of Sharks Hockey is set to begin THIS COMING Thursday at the World Arena Ice Hall. For now, I'm likely going to be splitting up my time skating out and playing in goal (the goalie that took my place last season is still with the team, so we get to share) which is really for the best as it should take a little time for me to get back into the swing of playing a full game. Regardless, wish me luck and think happy thoughts for my knees...

Well, kids, thanks for stopping by...I'm hoping desperately to have a new audio entry for your collective enjoyment tomorrow but, like always, if it turns out that I'm nothing but a dirty, dirty liar, I'll take comfort in the fact that you're all used to that by now...Regardless, you all have a fine Tuesday...

Labels: hockey stuff, indignities, lame stories, religion, sports, tales of triumph

Ooh, it's Wednesday! Ash Wednesday, to be exact, the day that all you good Catholics go to get "stuff" smeared on your forehead. I'd like to say that today's audio entry is, in some way, in honor of this grand Catholic tradition, but it's not. No, today's audio entry is simply the audio entry which I had completed and ready to go for today and in no way reflects the day's serious religious significance. I should've done a follow-up to Rosary Ford or somethin'...

Oh well...

Anyway, today I have for you good people the second (of two, so far) in the Big Ass Hotdog franchise of audio entries. Admittedly, today's entry was just an excuse for me to do a couple of half-assed celebrity impressions...Regardless, here it comes:

So there you go...Enjoy the rest of your Wednesday, wallowing in all the wonderful things that only giant, weinery bliss can bring...

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, religion, spoof commercials

Some years back, when I was still in elementary school, I attended my aunt and uncle's wedding which, since It was a Catholic wedding, proved to be a unique experience for me at that point in my life what with all of the "getting up" and the "kneeling down" and the "hey, how are ya's" and the "things" and the "stuff" that were part of the ceremony. Faced with such a challenge at that young age, I figured that my best bet, since I really didn't want to make Baby Jesus cry by genuflecting improperly or something, was to pick out (in my estimation) the oldest person in the church and simply mimic that person's actions, allowing oldie the oldster's OBVIOUS experience to carry me through the service. This (shrewd) strategy worked well for quite a while and, at one point, my target senior citizen left her seat and got in line for what appeared to be a "light snack" that was being passed out at the front. I figured that, given all of the religious calisthenics which I had just been put through, I had certainly earned an hors d'oeuvre or two. As such, I got myself in line and, ultimately, was handed a little wafery thing and a tiny little cup of juice...

Not a feast, but just enough to keep me goin'...

As I returned to my seat, careful to keep an eye on the wise old one who would unknowingly help me through the day's activities, I suddenly realized that I had been the only member of my immediate family to proceed to the front and acquire said "snack." This fact struck me as slightly odd, but hey: you snooze, you lose...I quickly forgot about that, however, because in no time we were all involved in another round of "Sweatin' to the Arias." Eventually, after what proved to be a pretty good workout, my aunt and uncle were "officially married" in the eyes of "the church" and gym class was over...

Finally...Man, was I beat...

Given all of the aforementioned "exercise" which I had been subjected to, I'll admit, I was pretty thirsty...As such, at the reception following the wedding, I remember putting away 28 (or so) cans of Sunkist® orange soda (and making a number of trips to the bathroom). Later, I don't quite remember how, while I was talking with my aunt and uncle, the topic of having had that "light snack" at the wedding came up. When I revealed that I had, in fact, had said "snack," my aunt was shocked.

"You took communion?" she said. "But you're not Catholic!"

"Do you have to be Catholic to have it?" I replied?

She thought for a couple of seconds and then said "well...You took it. You're Catholic now."

"I am!?" I asked, shocked. "For how long?"

"I don't know." She replied. "four years, I think...At least 4 years."

Given my young age, I was mostly mortified. How was I ever going to last four whole years in such an exercise-intensive religion? I had no idea that that little chip-thing and the dollhouse-cup full of grape juice had enough magical power inside just that little bit that I had to turn me into something completely different for FOUR WHOLE YEARS!

Right about then, I really started to feel guilty...

Ok, that last sentence was just a little joke. A Catholic joke! ha ha...Anyway...

It's been more than 20 years since that first unofficial foray into Catholicism for me. Since then, I've accepted communion at several different churches covering at least three different denominations (including nearly choking to death on some of Christ's body and blood at a Methodist church in Florida - try getting around THAT without hundreds of devout southerners collectively thinking that you're the Devil). My buddy Andy even allowed me to perform a reading at HIS Catholic wedding. While I'm no longer an official Catholic, I do feel a slight connection to the religion given my past experience. While I'm not going to confess my sins today, or enjoy special pancakes, or observe Lent or anything I support you Catholics out there who WILL be...As such, to all my real-live Catholics out there, Happy Shrove Tuesday!

NOW, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GO ENJOY YOUR FREE PANCAKES!

Labels: I eat food, indignities, lame stories, me roots, religion

Well, wouldya look at that...It's Thursday which means that it's time once again for me to throw out another Illustration Friday offering. This week's theme was "glamour." Now, even though this theme is decidedly "girly," I still took a stab at it because...well...frankly, I wanted to have SOMETHING to post today...

So anyway, let's use this logic: Glamour=glitz=Las Vegas=getting married by Elvis...
Click to see a larger hunka' hunka' burnin' love

So there you go. Certainly nothing screams "glamorous" like an ordained Elvis impersonator in a shimmery jumpsuit. Enjoy your Thursday, kids...

Labels: cartoons n' stuff, Illustrations, religion

There are times where, if you're paying attention, things with potential to be content will just fall right in your lap. During a week like this, where time is short and ideas are thin, situations like those make me a very happy little blogger. Allow me to elaborate...

Diana, with whom I attended high school, maintains a blog which is among my regular reads. Yesterday, she posted a "self-portrait" style photo, one of those "I'm taking a picture of myself" pictures wherein there's not enough time to smile between the figuring out how to work the camera backwards, making sure you're holding it out far enough, etc...Her picture turned out looking like this:

Note the serious look and the bent posture...When I saw it, I felt that it SCREAMED "rap artist." Perhaps I'm just a nutcase, and I'm aware that I am a complete and total "cracker," but I envisioned it as the perfect photo to integrate into a rap album style CD cover, replete with "bling-bling" and some cold hard cash...After a little thought, some image searches and a wee bit of Photoshop work, I came up with this:
Click on the following image if you'd like to see it larger (which you know you do)...

Before you go crying "foul," I received Diana's approval prior to posting this. I was actually afraid that the cover COULD HAVE BEEN "offensive" in some way. (I know, imagine me worrying about being "offensive".) Anyhoo, if any of you out there have any "hardcore ghetto gangsta" pictures of yourself and YOU TOO wish to be made into a full fledged "M.C. with Street Cred," Send 'em my way., we'll see what we can do...

Labels: Phun With Photoshop, religion

Just because when people make fun of religious subjects, other people laugh with that nervous sort of chortle that says "I don't WANT to laugh because if I laugh, I'll go to Hell," I fixed up the following wee little audio entry. Actually, I can't take full credit for it...Collin was instrumental in making it "funny," or at least funnier than if I were just left to my own devices. He threw out a couple off-the-cuff ideas which prompted me to rewrite the thing a bit and, frankly, I know it turned out better because of it. Basically, what you'll hear when you click the link below is a spoof commercial for an "exciting new television show." This show features characters you'll surely be familiar with. The title? "Trinity's Company"



Guest starring alongside yours truly are Collin, Scott and Ray. I have to say, it was a lot of fun trying to direct them...Certainly slightly more fun than it was "frustrating." I'm thinking they may have held back some, but I WILL SAY that Collin is certainly the best actor out of the three...So way to go, pal...

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, religion, spoof commercials

It's ironic that I'd post this after yesterday's entry. Suffice to say that this commercial was complete prior to yesterday's entry even having been written. This, however, doesn't change the fact that I had a lot of fun putting this little commercial together. I hope you have as much fun listening to it...I present First Christian Motors Assembly of Fords...



I'll be coming up with other stuff soon enough, so keep checking back...Maybe I'll make some fun of Hari Krishnas, I haven't done THAT voice yet...

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, religion, spoof commercials

Sidenote: what is it that we're told NEVER to bring up in pleasant company? Sex, Religion and Politics? I'm going for the "trifecta" this week.


So far, I haven't gone to see the film "The Passion of the Christ." I don't feel I need to...I read the book so I think I know how it turns out. This is not to say that I don't appreciate Mel Gibson's effort. I see it as a monumental task to take on such subject matter and do a good job at it. At the same time, regardless of how well a film like that is made, you KNOW that people are going to HAVE to see it, "just because," just because of the hype, just because of the subject matter. Remember the fervor that surrounded the film "The last Temptation of Christ" way back in '88? Heck, folks were lampooning that one without even having seen it...Rumors and such were flying about like so many miller moths. My point is that you could make the ABSOLUTE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE, but if it's about a biblical subject, PEOPLE WILL SEE IT, and not just religious types, either. Religion is BOX OFFICE GOLD, It would take a a lot more time or money than even the ACLU has to change that.

Of course, the amount of press that this movie has received HAS been absolutely insane. The frickin' buzz began way before the film was finished. in fact, the public has been SO WELL AWARE of this film's arrival that it just seems as if "The Passion" has been one of the most anticipated films of our time, maybe of all time. Thanks be to the big fat hype machine that is the media, who LOVE to glom on to controversial subjects. It's always humorous to watch the media blow little tiny details out of proportion so as to further panic, even the slightest bit of panic. Part of this hype/panic that came out about the film was, of course, that there were some that held the fear that it could "spark antisemitism" since the movie depicts the Jews as the instrumental figures in the death of Jesus, as if this fact is not recorded in the bible. To these people, I'd love to say "get over yourself." Stay with me here...This is very simple...

Heck yeah the Jews killed Jesus. You know why? Because SOMEONE HAD TO.

I mean, c'mon! What tenet is the cornerstone of Christianity? The fact that God sent his son to DIE ON THE CROSS so as to absolve us of sin, that's what! Remember that whole "for God so loved the world" business from the bible? Remember that, smartass? Remember the part where if you accept the fact that Jesus died for YOU AND ME then you're saved? huh? It would seem that there are a whole hell of a lot of people out there who simply want to be nasty and then claim the bible as their reason for it. Damn, people, think about this... If you're a Christian, you should be THANKFUL for the fact that the Jews had Jesus crucified, IT FULFILLED THE PROPHECY! Without that event, there would be no Christianity...There would be no Christmas...There would be no New Testament. (I guess there also wouldn't be any Mormons, but everyone's hit or miss, right?) And don't give me any crap about Pontius Pilate, Barabbas and Judas...They, in the long run, were just pawns in the game my friend...Instruments of God...Jesus had to die, God sent him to do just that. Who better than GOD'S CHOSEN PEOPLE to do the deed?

That's right, I said GOD'S CHOSEN PEOPLE. Go back and read the Old Testament if you don't believe me.

And that's another thing! The Old Testament...I've come across too many damn people who claim to be 'christians' and then love to quote from the Old Testament when it's convenient, forgetting that Jesus implored us all to forgive those who would do us wrong...Yeah, dumbass, whenever it suits you, go ahead and remind me "an eye for an eye, that's in the bible..." Yeah, so is a lot of other screwy stuff about begattin' and begottin' and ilicit reproduction for the sake of reproduction and incest and sodomy and IT'S FOUND IN THE OLD TESTAMENT, GENIUS which was pretty well negated by what Jesus preached during his time on earth WHICH IS WHY WE HAVE THE NEW TESTAMENT! Yeah, in the Old Testament it says you shouldn't ingest pork, BUT Jesus told us in the New Testament that "it's not what goes in a man's mouth that defiles him, it's what comes out of it." Check that Old Testament over if you need to, you'll also find interesting guidelines that include safety features that should be on the roof of your house. Simply put, the Old Testament is pretty much obsolete if you're a practicing Christian. Don't be confused by false Christians that hang on to it like some sort of refuge for hate or an excuse to resort to violence or bigotry.

What is a false Christian, you ask? Well, bearing in mind that this whole entry IS simply a statement of my opinion, I'll tell you that a false Christian is anyone who would try and hide behind the bible, all the while tainting the name of Christianity, to justify their own hatred and/or bigotry. The Ku Klux Klan immediately jumps to mind for me. Disgusting filthy demon spawn, the lot of them. I once guest-hosted a radio talk show here in town.
My topic one particular day, because it's one I love to debate, was racism. One of the program's callers was convinced that all racism was the doing of, as she put it, "all those Christian white supremacists." I warned her to stop using that phrase after she uttered it a few times during our discussion, but she kept on keepin' on. I disconnected her abruptly and offered this succinct explanation right before going to commercial: "She made me sick talking like that...I have to say right now that if you ARE a white supremacist, then you sure as Hell aint a Christian."

There's also this church in Kansas that is nothing but a vile abomination and truly very anti-christian in my opinion. I mean, if you REALLY get down to the brass tacks of what Christ's message was, whatever it is they do at this church, it really aint it. Their website makes me ill, but it's their 'public appearances' that really make my blood boil. These damned redneck bigot bastards travel in filthy packs by bus to anything they believe to be wrong, such as funerals of gay individuals (including that of Matthew Shepherd a few years back) and have the absolute gall to protest with signs like "God hates fags" and "he's in Hell." It's enough to make me go insane. WHO DO THESE ASSHOLES THINK THEY ARE!? Haven't the relatives of these poor people suffered enough without a rabid gaggle of self righteous idiots parading around with offensive signage? It's morons like these that make actual Christians look bad. (postscript...I just checked their site and it makes me dislike them even more. You'll see if you follow the link)

Of course, the issue of homosexuality HAS long been a point of contention among religious types. I'll offer my theory on this very quickly. Yes, it's true,
Homosexuality IS condemned in the bible, even upon pain of death. Of course, this is in the Old Testament (Leviticus). In the New Testament, Jesus implores us to love all equally, especially sinners. Is homosexuality a sin? yes. So is heterosexuality outside of marriage. It's the 'sexuality' part that's the sin, folks...So what are we to do? Nothing, that's what...Just hang out. Just be yourself. If you know any sinners (and you do, believe me) love them like you would yourself. it's in the Bible, Jesus spoke about "who needs a doctor more, a sick person, or a well person?" Who needs Jesus more? A sinner does. It's not Christians' responsibility to stamp out "sin" or to force people to change into whatever it is they believe to be the ideal. Of course, there are enough jerks out there that think along those lines, but it shouldn't be the case. We (meaning Christians) should simply live our lives, using our gifts and talents and hope in doing so that we reflect the light and love of Jesus. If the people around us don't think like we do, so be it. We still have to love everyone. It seems hard, but it's not. It's REALLY called 'live and let live.' Or as Joel always put it "I'm just tryin' to live my life."

And yeah, I can hear it now. "You hypocritical bastard, you have no convictions if you say things like that, live and let live." I'd reply with "you're dead wrong." Why should I criticize other people's choices? If my goals are loving all people equally, existing in the company of 'sinners' and 'believers' alike, not giving preference to either and acting in a forgiving manner, then I'm doing EXACTLY what I believe in. Do I always meet these expectations? Of course not, I'm just as much a sinner as anyone else. We're ALL SINNERS after all, that's another little tidbit you can get from the bible (if you're inclined to read it, that is). The real trick is admitting this fact and then turning all of that anger and pain and such over to God. Sounds simple because it is, it's supposed to be. I'm not sure why so many people want it to be so complicated. You know, all sin is sin, there's no ranking system. "The wages of sin are death" and we all will eventually die. There isn't a single solitary one of us out there who has lived a life completely devoid of sin. Humans are hard wired for it, it's built in. (Built-in sin...I like that, I'll have to work that in somewhere else...)

I got to thinkin' about halfway through this entry that yeah, this entry really only applies to Christians, but that's what I am. I'm not looking to offend anyone. I'm not lookin' for props or dittos or kudos or flames, I just felt like ranting. If you're of another belief system than me, more power to ya, as long as you sincerely follow what you believe, then I'd say you're on the right track. Heck, when it comes right down to it, as long as your beliefs show you a way of life that isn't destructive and makes you a better person, what's the harm? If it makes the world around us better, whatever "it" may be, "it" can't be all bad. Frankly, I don't want to debate the finer points of one religion's advantage over another with anybody, that kind of stuff makes my head hurt. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm doing and where I'm going, but I will say that I like the path I've chosen. Just like Chuck Berry said in the song "My Ding-A-Ling": "this is a free country, live like you wanna live, baby!..."

Just play nice with each other, okay?

Labels: misguided rantings, radio stories, religion

I'm not a Catholic, but I play one on TV.

OK, so I don't. I was, however, accidentally Catholic for a while. It all happened when I accepted communion at my Aunt and Uncle's (Catholic) wedding, mostly because it seemed like the thing to do. (Everybody else lined up for a snack and I didn't want to be left out.) Later that day, when I admitted my transgression, I was informed that "taking communion means you're Catholic now." I was shocked! I asked about a possible 'statute of limitations' on my newly acquired condition, when would something like that wear off? "4 years" I was told. I don't know if I was just being jerked around, but at the time, I was a bit concerned. I was 10 or 11 years old. I'd be Catholic until....Dang...15...I even attended mass (once). What a workout that turned out to be...

Fast-Forward to 2002.
Andy, who had worked at the Agency for a short while, was all set to marry his fiancee, Andrea, in September...They're both from Pennsylvania, but had planned a Colorado wedding since Andy WAS working here. They were, in fact, planning on LIVING here, but Andy eventually got the axe in the only round of layoffs we've ever had. After a fruitless employment search, he moved back to Pennsylvania. Planning for their blessed event was so far along already that the Colorado wedding couldn't be canceled. The show, as they say, must go on.

The wedding was held in a beautiful stone chapel in Cascade, which is in the mountains outside of Colorado Springs. There was a string quartet playing wonderful music, the day was beautiful, the ceremony was beautiful. Everyone genuflected and transubstatiated and responded and stuff exactly when they were supposed to during the Catholic ceremony. Everyone, that is, except for me. I had been selected, due to a cancellation, to perform a reading at the wedding. "Pinch hitting," as it were. (I'm told that responsorials and readings are quite common at Catholic weddings). My particular job this day was to perform a tight little number that had to do with Jesus and marriage and such. I was pretty well prepared, I even knew my cue to take the podium. When the ceremony started, however, I couldn't help but notice that everyone who went up in front of the church made a little bow toward the image of the crucified Jesus on the back wall. I was told that THIS, indeed, was genuflecting. Everyone was doing it, I figured I should as well. When it was my turn, I rose from my pew-seat, walked toward the front and attempted to 'genuflect.'

I failed.

My show of respect for our saviour ended up coming off as more of a 'hey, howareya' point and nod. I may as well have given our living God a wink, a smile and a thumbs up.

"Hang in there, buddy..."

Overall, this was bad, I'm fully aware of this. Luckily for me, it wasn't AS bad as what the best man had done during the rehearsal the day prior...

Brent, Andy's best man, is a pretty funny guy. He and Andy are rockers from way back and can be found headbanging and quoting metal lyrics as often as not. Brent is personable and as instantly likeable as Andy. Collin and I got a pretty good insight into his personality during a trip up to Denver to eat at the Hard Rock Cafe a few days before the wedding. Music is the order of the day for both of them, it's never TOO far from the top of their minds...

The rehearsal was held at the chapel the day before the ceremony...The Priest ran through all of the pertinent details with us, we got to practice all of our cues and kneelings and such. (In retrospect, I really should've asked for a genuflection coach. Maybe next time). After the rehearsal, Andy and the Priest headed to the grotto for a confession session and most everyone else headed outside to chat. Brent and I were at the front of the chapel, chatting about whatever, when he noticed the microphone on the podium. "Think it's on?" he asked. "Nah." I replied. Armed with my assurance that the mic was nowhere near live, Brent leaned toward it and shrieked

"FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK!"

Contrary to my earlier assumption, the mic WAS, in fact, on. Brent's spontaneous homage to the Devil's music echoed loud and proud through the little chapel, reverberating majestically off of every individual stone in the walls...Brent jerked back from the microphone, white as a sheet...He quickly looked around and ran up the stairs, out of the chapel, like a frightened rabbit. I was left standing all alone, next to the microphone, with AC/DC lyrics still echoing in the distance. I, too, ran. I wasn't gonna take the fall for such blasphemy, even if I did think it was one of the most awesome things ever.

Postscript: Some friends of ours baptized their little Catholic baby here a few months ago and we were invited. We didn't quite realize that we'd be sitting through an entire mass for that, but it turned out as such...I'm not sure why, but I was compelled to once again join the line for communion, just to see what would happen. Apparently, much like a dog sensing fear, the priest in this case could sense my non-catholicness. He initially balked at handing over my wafer, but acquiesced when it became obvious that everyone was watching...I'm 'back in the fold' as it were.

At least for 4 more very special years...

Labels: indignities, lame stories, me roots, religion

Just another reason that I may end up in Hell...
Nothing too in-depth today, just a spoof spot I did a while back for "Rosary Ford." In it, I'm playing the role of Bishop O'Halloran and Father Mike is played by (little) Joel, who used to be a freelancer here at the agency but who is now a youth pastor. I'm not kidding, he's like...ACTUALLY a man of God. Before we get started, as a sidenote, If you're Catholic, and this offends you, I'm not sorry. Now, if it offends you and you're NOT Catholic, you don't have a leg to stand on. You're just lookin' for a fight...Bully...

Anyhow, here it is:



so there's that. Enjoy!

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, religion, spoof commercials