LOOK! WE HAVE A SPONSOR! Ok, kind of. The guy who owns it is a friend of the show (it's PAT ANGELLO) and he brought some down for us to sample and we loved it and we cursed up a storm and ate pizza with hot sauce and YOU WILL LOVE THIS EPISODE. So clicky to listen, goddammit!

Labels: awesomecasts, I eat food, podcasts

Japan is a weird place, right? and they eat all kinds of weird shit, right? Well, Justin had some of this weird shit sent to him by a fan and he's in the mood to share. THERE IS BE A VIDEO OF THIS PODCAST AVAILABLE HERE! For now, though, clicky, listen and enjoy:

Labels: audio, awesomecasts, I eat food, podcasts

Admit it, in a pinch, you're more likely to stop at Jack in The Box or Taco Bell than to whip up a homecooked meal. Hey, there's no shame, that's just the world we live in. And that's what this episode is all about, the fast food that we have deemed to be the best of the best. See if our opinions jibe with yours OR just make fun of us for being strange. Either way, you'll have to click to listen, so GET ON IT. Thanks...

Labels: audio, awesomecasts, I eat food, podcasts

In this episode, Jason endures a poorly put together whiskey flight for the good of the show and then Derek talks endlessly about his birthweek celebration including talk of massage, all you can eat meat and more...and hey, iPhones! and soda made with REAL SUGAR! I could go on and on, but you should just tell me to "shut up" so you can download and listen by clicking right here:

Labels: awesomecasts, I eat food, podcasts

Indeed, we (and by 'we,' I totally mean 'I' as in the 'Royal We' because hey, always look out for numero uno) made it through the Christmas holiday with no occurrences of bankruptcy, homicide, pre-term labor, mass flatulence or any sort of visit by first responders of any kind. I shall perhaps reveal as many facts about our holiday as I feel comfortable with right about now...Or now...

Ok, how about now...

United Airlines Can Suck Large Donkey Nutsack...No, Really, They Can...
So we had a small handful of house guests during the last week and all of them flew in on United Airlines. My mother-in-law made it in fine (she was flying into Denver) but, as per usual, my sister-in-law and her husband Al got the shaft. The weather was cold/snowy/windy on Friday the 21st and, as such, flights were having trouble reaching Colorado Springs due to delays in other larger and presumably more important cities. Shannon and Al ended up sitting at DIA for a long stretch of time waiting for what turned out to be the only flight which landed at our airport all night. Al has a big problem with being cold and with the temperature an unseasonably chilly 10° with a wind chill of like...Negative a billion...Suffice to say he was less than pleased. Anyhow, we'll cover that more later since THIS blurb is about what a pack of dickheads United collectively is. Anyhow, the day that Shannon and Al flew OUT of town just happened to be Christmas day. When we got to the Springs Airport, they were informed that the flight that was to ferry them up to Denver was "delayed." Delayed to the point that, by the time it got to Denver, their original flight home to Las Vegas would have already departed. As such, we piled into the wife's VUE and I set to the task of driving Shannon and Al up to Denver in an attempt to catch the connector which had suddenly become NOT so much a connector but whatever. Anyhow, long story short, the weather was shitty and the other drivers were panicky retards (collectively) and it took us two hours to get there but, hey, Shannon and Al made it through security in time to board their plane...Which sat on the runway for FOUR FUCKING HOURS waiting to be de-iced. So yeah, as it turned out, United pretty much shut down all of their flights out of "smaller" airports (like Colorado Springs) and even cancelled several flights in major airports. The reason? It was Christmas and United decided to "give some of their people time off" at the expense of large numbers of their customers. So yeah, Fuck United. They are dead to me...

By the way, Shannon and Al DID eventually get home. At like...11:30pm...See, United had crammed all 5 of their flights onto one baggage carousel at McCarran in Veags. Anyhow, at this point it's just beating a dead horse. United licks balls.

So Yeah, Al Hates The Cold...
Welcome to Colorado Springs, home of 250 days of sunshine! Indeed, that's usually the case as it pertains to the weather in town here. We are, though, in an unseasonably cold weather cycle and, as I mentioned before, when Shannon and Al got to town, it was positively miserable - Bitter cold and snow with fierce winds. Lucky for Al, though, he had picked up quite the heavy hunting coat and gloves and things during a recent trip to see his dad in Arkansas. A handy ensemble, to be sure, since it rarely left his person the whole time he was here. In addition, Al continued to utter small phrases like "brrrr" and "I'm never coming back here." Wuss.

The Eagle Has Landed...IN MY BELLY!..
And by "eagle," I mean Turducken of course. Now, if it weren't all illegal and shit I'd definitely cook up and eat the proud avian symbol of our great nation because, hey, meat is meat. Lucky for me that wacky ol' Benjamin Franklin didn't get his way so many years ago since the "Tur" part of "Turducken" is obviously Turkey. And lord knows that his second and third choices would've been duck and chicken. Anyhow, the eagle is our national bird and turkey ducks and chickens regularly make their way into my belly. This time, though, the trio made it in at the same time. I have to say, the Turducken was a taste treat, one which I'll definitely consider ordering again the next time I need to feed several people with wonderfully cajun bird conglomerations...

What'd You Get Yourself For Christmas?..
A couple of days ago, I went down to one of our local Saturn dealerships not so much to pick up a new vehicle, but to take a look at the new vehicle which my dad had just purchased. Or leased. Either way, dad had turned in his old VUE for a new VUE and, while he was finishing up the paperwork, I took it for a test drive. Now, I had planned to get a vehicle other than the small truck that I've had for 8 years before Max is born since he can't really ride in the front seat until he's older but I didn't plan on doing such things this soon. Maybe sometime in late February, but certainly not this last weekend. Sometimes, though, you just have to be ready for plans to change...See, because of some fine incentives and, of course, the fact that I'm eligible the GM Supplier price due to some job-related factors, I went ahead and leased me a 2008 Saturn VUE with a V6 engine and All-Wheel-Drive. It's "Sea Mist Green" and has several nice features like OnStar free for a year and 90 days of XM radio service(which I'm slowly falling in love with, mostly due to the "decades" category). I kept my little truck as opposed to trading it in since having it around to haul things seemed like the thing to do. Hell, it's paid off...So why not, right? Oh, by the way, I sent off my application for a personalized license plate today. If all goes well, I'll soon be the owner of one Colorado license tag which reads "I. R. SLO." Yeah, I thought it was funny too...I'll take pictures of everything soon...

No Awesomecasts In The Last Couple of Weeks. Anyone Notice?..
Things just haven't worked out for Collin and I to get synced up enough to record anything, let alone a podcast episode, over the course of the last two weeks. Indeed, on the top of the factor list was the whole "hosting Christmas dinner and having houseguests" thing. I'm hoping to get a good group together soon so we can chatter like crazy squirrels about whatever comes to mind...You kids stay tuned...

Hey, Happy New Year!..
So yeah, at the time I'm typing this up, I'm 20 short minutes away from 2008 in the mountain time zone. No big party action this year for the wife and I...We hung out with my parents for a while, watched the Avalanche lose to the Goddamned Coyotes in a shootout and played some euchre. we recently got home and I sampled some of the Pappy Van Winkle's 15 year old family reserve whiskey which I picked up today and now, hey, I'm typing an entry. Yeah, terrifyingly exciting, that's me...Hopefully you kids out there had a safe New Year's Eve...Also, here's to a great 2008. As always, thanks for stopping by...You kids have a great day off...

Labels: Baby max, holidays, I eat food, indignities, lame stories

So hey, yeah. Um. Sure. I really should put some words together and make one of them "posts" for you kids to come and read n' stuff. Yes, yes, I know that I promised to recap our recent Las Vegas trip but...Well...That was a whole month ago that we took that trip and, I'm sorry, but the details are getting a just a wee bit cloudy in my procrastination-hindered brain, so...Well...OK, fine:

5 Days and 5 Nights in Las Vegas Nevada in As Few Words As Possible...
Monday we ate lunch at the Burger Bar located in Mandalay Place, between Mandalay Bay and the Luxor. Mmm, mmm! I had me a rare American Kobe beef burger on ciabatta topped with bleu cheese and pan seared foie gras. My parents absolutely loved the place (it was their first time there). We had a waitress on her first day (I had to point out foie gras on the menu) and who was obviously foreign. We all guessed Scandinavia, turned out to be that she was from Brazil. Anyhow, from lunch at the Burger Bar, we went to a wonderful early dinner at Diego inside the MGM Grand. My dad, who had been bugging me since we got to Vegas to "use the valet parking" finally got his way at the MGM. At Diego, we met up with Bison Andy's wife Andrea. We all had a wonderful meal, I enjoyed tacos al carbon, dad had the seafood pot, mom had...some food, I'm sure of it and...well, trust me, food was enjoyed by all. The next stop from the MGM was the Rio to see Penn and Teller and, I have to say, seeing them from front row center made the tricks look even BETTER...Teller even did the needle trick, during which he tossed me his partially eaten apple. A nice souvenir? No, it was sticky, I left it in the cupholder of my chair. Following the show, Teller was nice enough to take a picture with my mom and answer questions about his overly awesome shoes. Penn laughed heartily at my "Hardcore Straight Christian/Penn will tolerate me" t-shirt and posed for (yet another) picture with me. Tuesday saw us enjoying the magic and comedy of Mac King in the early afternoon and splitting up later that evening so the ladies could take in Mamma Mia at Mandalay Bay while us guys saw the Amazing Johnathan perform at the Sahara. Mom, I'm told, had a great time and thoroughly enjoyed their show while my dad and Big Al, my brother-in-law, never seemed to stop laughing at A.J. On to Wednesday, now, July 4th, Independence Day here in the states. Not feeling in top shape, I slept most of the day away on Shannon and Aldie's couch while the others played games and enjoyed barbecue. Refreshed, though, from my likely-dehydrated passing out, I joined my dad for the 11:00pm poker tournament back at our hotel (Sam's Town, in case you missed that back when I said it in my FIRST Vegas recap post). I didn't fare as well as dad did, considering the fact that he was the chip leader for some time. After I busted out, I found my new favorite Las Vegas activity: playing in a poker cash game. Yes sir, I'll be doing more of that as soon as I have an opportunity to, taking real monies from people...Whoo, now THAT'S fun...Anyhow, having got the "feeling sick" and "needing to sleep" mostly out of my system the day prior, I was ready to rock on Thursday, a day where we enjoyed breakfast at the Hash House A-Go-Go (the parents loved their food, as did we all...Again, it was their first visit to this legendary restaurant). Later that evening, we went to Austin's Steakhouse in the Texas Station Casino to celebrate Shannon and Aldie's first wedding anniversary. Even though I didn't enjoy my meal so much, everyone else at the table enjoyed the fare at Austin's immensely. After the steakhousing, it was back to the poker room for more cash game shenanigans. Indeed, on Friday morning, we all loaded into the family truckster and headed home, the bright lights of Sin City a rapidly fading rear-view mirror memory. While our wallets were significantly lighter...um...our...oh, who am I kidding? We all lost monies...That's really what it's about there, though...So there you go, kids, my long-promised recap of our recent Vegas trip. Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed typing it. No, really...

As if THAT Weren't Enough, I Gots A Softball Story...
So, the coed softball team that the wife and I play on called the B52s has literally been tearing up the league which we're now playing in. Granted, we've enjoyed success in the past, consistently placing in the top three of nearly every league we've participated in, but that elusive "first place" plaque has always eluded us (as elusive things are, duh, wont to do). Starting with this past spring season, the team began playing in the silver coed league at Cottonwood Creek Park instead of the (significantly closer to OUR house) Skyview Sports Complex. Granted, both leagues are under the same, city-run Parks n' rec umbrella, but the other teams were WAY nicer up at the new place as compared to the old place. We did pretty well in Spring ball, even though we finished 2nd. So far though, in the summer league, we're on a roll. Heck, going into last Friday's game, we were undefeated, having already beaten the only other undefeated team in the league in relatively convincing fashion. The only thing left standing between us and that damn championship was a team called "Mountain Perks" who had amassed an impressive 7-1 record, their only loss coming at the hands of (surprise) the previously undefeated team that, as you already know, we beat. Anyhow, as Friday's game got underway, it was clear that the Perks would be no pushovers. Their defense was solid and they had some very good hitters on the team. In their half of the third inning, their center fielder earned a base hit and, in getting held to a single, made kind of a "come on, bring it" gesture at our short stop when he didn't try and "pick him off." I thought to myself when I saw him to this "God, I hope this guy isn't going to be a prick the whole night."

Sadly, it seemed that he was...

Later in the inning, this same guy was trucking toward 3rd base, my new position, as OUR center fielder relayed the ball into me in hopes that I could tag THEIR center fielder out. As I received the ball, the fuckin' guy GRABS me as if to prevent me from placing a tag on him. As I was a little off-balance at the time, I took exception to the contact and tried to separate from the guy. As I did, he yanked on my jersey, as if trying to throw me to the ground. being the low center of gravity (read: fat) guy that I am, I reacted to his attempt in the only manner which seemed appropriate at the time: I grabbed HIS jersey, pulled him nose to nose with me and informed him that, if he didn't let go of me, I planned to snap his neck.

THAT opened the flood gates, let me tell you...
Once I let him know that I wasn't impressed with his little act, the fucker started cussing at me like nobody's business. He told me to "fuck off," he informed me in a less-than-polite manner that my team was "going down" and that I am a "bitch." After he was done, I told him to play things a little safer and to grow up, a suggestion that was met with two more "fuck yous" and another under-his-breath "bitch," considering the fact that both umpires were now keenly curious as to what was transpiring. Long story short, this guy got our whole team fired up and, in true B52 fashion, we targeted him in the outfield in the inning which followed, burning him for a number of runs. Once we built our lead, we didn't really look back, beating the Perks 15 to 6. Of course, the prick did find himself on third in the final inning...Thinking he would be able to outrun Andy's arm at short, he took off during a play and got gunned down at the plate, despite his trying to run down Elizabeth, our catcher. I've never seen one guy look so pathetically sick to his stomach following that final play, having been bested NOT ONLY by the team which he proclaimed was "going down," but by the girl that he figured he could bowl over...It's no wonder he wouldn't look at any of us in the handshake line...

A Wee Bit On Freak Train and Then I'm Goin' To Bed...
Yes, kids, I'm fashioning this post which you've been reading after having driven home from this month's Freak Train at the Bug Theater in Denver. I did a little card magic in lieu of standup and, I have to say, it went over very well...I had a ton of fun doing it, even though I didn't get to the finish of my second trick. The real story of Freak Train, though, is Justin...Yes, Justin Carmical, he of the fever dream routine from so many months ago who's been promising to go to Freak Train since the beginning of the year...He FINALLY WENT! Oh dear lord, his routine was spot-on for the demographics of the room, too, he did so well, I was prouder than a very proud thing of how well he did. Much fun was had by all and videos (including a sad tale of what the act before me did to make my following her impossible) will be posted this coming Friday for all to see.

So that's that, a long-winded conglomerate post for your Tuesday readin' pleasures. As always, thanks for stopping by...You kids have a fine day (and whatnot).

Labels: Bad Stand-Up Comedy, Card Tricks, Freak Train, get outta town, I eat food, sports

Lo, it is Friday, the day set aside for the sharing of the visual images and somesuch and whatnot. Indeed, it hath been said to me by certain people that this is the lone day which they visit my humble little blogsitething, drawn solely by the prospect of pictures, yearning for photographical goodness...Seriously, I didn't realize. Shit, enough with my blabbering, how about I show you kids some pictures from our recent trip to Las Vegas which, if you're the regular readin' type, you already read a tiny bit about earlier in the week and, if you're the listenin' type (my favorite type, by the way), you heard about on this week's podcast...
clicky! They get so damn big you won't know what to do with them


So yes, we enjoyed food at the Hash House A-Go-Go while we were in Las Vegas. My dad especially wanted to try the place, seemingly in disbelief that their portions could be anywhere near as large as the legends state that they are...So unsuspecting...So carefree...They have no idea what kind of monster cuisine lurks just around the corner...


Myself, I'd been to Hash House once already, as had my wife. As you can see, I had already slipped into a fear-induced coma while my wife put her "brave face" on for one last snapshot before her French Toast arrived...Would it devour her or would it go down the other way 'round? (in reality, this was the first day in a few days that I was feeling good and had an appetite. Just before this picture was taken, I was admonished to "take a NICE picture." I smiled real nice and normal but, right after the first "redeye" flash but before the main flash, I did the whole eyes in the back of the head thing that you see here. I know, I'm proud too).


Seriously though, look at all of that Goddamned food! This was my entree, the sage fried chicken. That yellowish mound on the left are scrambled eggs. It was supposed to come with 2 eggs over easy but...Well, they fucked up. Additionally, observe the biscuit and it's imposing girth! It dwarfs even the water glass on the table (and tastes excellent, I should add). The huge mound underneath all of it are griddled mashed potatoes. There's a caramel-maple reduction drizzled over the whole mess. So yeah, if you're not hungry by NOW...


Here's the massive mofo of a pancake which my dad ordered. Yes, it takes up the whole platter and yes, it's the most fluffy (and delicious) pancake that I've ever had occasion to ingest. Just amazing...


Getting away from the subject of food portions so large they border on illegal, here's the an interior shot of the hotel we stayed in at night. Yes, I know it looks like the OUTSIDE but it's not. The hotel is set up to mimic a nice park on the inside. It's really quite cool, you should check it out sometime...


Here's a quick snapshot of Shannon and Aldie taken while we were enjoying dinner at Austin's inside Texas Station. You'd think the camera steals Al's soul or that he's in the witness protection program or something the way he turtles everytime someone wants his picture. On the bright side, Shannon looks normal. And happy.


So in the three times that I've seen Penn and Teller perform at the Rio in las Vegas, I've not had my picture taken with Teller. As you can see, this time out I sent my mom up to pose with him...Why do I avoid him? Oh Hell, I dunno. I just seem to be stuck holding whatever camera we have with us when we first exit the auditorium and *bam* Teller's right there. I did get a chance to ask him about his shoes (which were awesome and DAMMIT, why didn't I take a picture of them). They are, of course, custom made. Anyway, enough about Teller's shoes...


Here I am getting my picture taken with Penn Jillette, pretty much as I did this time last year. Of course, THIS time I'm sporting the shirt that I made specifically to wear as a gag to show to Penn and, hey, he laughed. You can hear about the whys and such surrounding the shirt if you listen to this week's awesomecast. No, seriously, I'm not going into any more detail. No. Shoo. Go listen.

So that's that, our trip to Vegas condensed into 8 tiny photographs. As always, thanks for stopping by. You kids have a fine weekend now...

Labels: famous folk, get outta town, I eat food, Phrickin' Photoblogs

So yes, I'm "back in town," as it were. Well, to be fair, I've been in town since late Friday night but I haven't had an opportunity to post any sort of chronicle regarding our recent excursion to Sin City, USA until right about now. Indeed, you may be wondering why we would even think to take a vacation to Las Vegas, NV (again) during the month of July (again) when it's hot enough there to parboil one's innards if one is foolish enough to be caught walking around out of doors...The answer is a simple one, fool! It's cheap! Additionally, it's one of the few times of the year that my wife can take a real vacation being that she's a schoolteacher and all...Anyhow, this time out, we went with my parents because, while they'd been to Las Vegas before, they had never been to Las Vegas with the wife and I...I shall fill you in on some details regarding said trip in this, the first of a number of posts which will surely total greater than one...Ready for all of that? Good...Here we go...

Thank God For Rewards Points Vouchers...
With my father's comfort and my mother's proclivity to overpack in mind, it was decided that we would rent a minivan and drive to Las Vegas as opposed to fly there on one of them jet plane things. My father had mentioned that, since they had amassed an ungodly number of rewards points on their credit card, we could use their rewards points to get the vehicle, thereby reducing the out-of-pocket costs and making everyone just a bit happier. As it turned out, the only rental car company affiliated with the rewards program which allowed the use of rewards points towards the rental of anything larger than a standard car was Avis, widely known as the most expensive rental car company ever. Seriously, you'd think that their vehicles were made of some precious metal or were able to perform specific unnatural acts when you look at their prices. Regardless, it was Avis or nothing and so, many thousands of rewards points later, we found ourselves the proud recipients of $500 worth of vouchers to use toward just about any Avis rental we pleased. We ended up with a shiny silver Dodge Grand Caravan with the Stow N' Go Seating which, as it turned out, was the best possible vehicle we could've hoped for...

Mom!..They're Pushing Me!..
Right before we were scheduled to depart on the big Vegas road trip, my father was diagnosed with a very serious infection in his foot. This infection meant that, in order for him to join us on the already mostly paid for vacation, he would have to stay off of the affected foot as much as possible (read: all the time). THIS development meant that a wheelchair had to be rented so we could push him all over Sin City. All things considered, the wheelchair wasn't a huge problem...It was surprisingly easy to push around and, once we collectively got the hang of it, easy to fold up and transport. Outside of the fact that 90% of the people wandering around casinos seem to be oblivious to what's going on around them and elevators are not always immediately conspicuous, we got dad around and didn't have to sacrifice any of the show tickets or dinner reservations...

First Night In Town: Eat Shitty Food, Lose At Poker...
Another something which we found out right before we left was that Brad, one of the guys who we play softball with, was taking a vacation in Las Vegas right around the same time as we were. It was decided that, since Brad and I both enjoy playing poker, we would get together and play in one of the daily tournaments at Sam's Town, where we just so happened to be staying...Well, that's where WE were staying...Brad was at the Monte Carlo...Not at Sam's Town...Where WE were...Yeah...Anyway, because of timing, we were only able to sign up and play in the 11:00pm tournament on the Sunday that the family and I arrived in town. Prior to the playing, since our wits would have to be razor sharp and our eyes keen, we figured that we could get some dinner at the mexican food establishment inside Sam's Town called Willy and Jose's. The place advertises itself as both "authentic" and a "Zagat Award Winner." It also happens to be a restaurant which I had enjoyed about 7 years ago on one of our first Vegas trips. Long story short, I don't know what the Hell happened between then and now and I seriously don't know what the fuck kind of Zagat award Willy and Jose's could've possibly won but the food was absolutely horrible. I'd even go so far as to say that it was the worst "mexican" food I'd ever had the misfortune to try. Apparently the Zagats hand out their little awards like two-for-one coupons...I'll never trust any of their ratings or recommendations again...Horrible...

But I digress...

As we finished "dinner" and made our way to the poker parlor, Brad wondered aloud why he had to come all the way to Las Vegas to play poker with me. I then reminded him that he's been "conveniently busy" every time I host a tournament at my home. As a nice coincidence, Brad and I started at the same table in the tournament but, as the game wore on, it was obvious who's night it was...Brad took down several good-sized pots, busting 4 players along the way and eventually getting moved to a "better" table. I languished in short-stackville for a while after that, tripling up after a couple of decent hands at one point but, in the long run, not having enough chips to survive...I busted out midway through the 2nd round and noticed (as I left, shamed) that Brad was still going strong. I still don't know yet how he finished but I do know that he, like I, had a hell of a lot of fun playing in the tournament...The poker parlor at Sam's Town is nice and small without feeling crowded and the folks who deal the poker and run the room were nice and friendly. If you want to get yelled at and have no room to move, go play at the Sahara or the Orleans. You want to while away time, having fun playing poker in a non-threatening environment? Sam's Town all the way, baby...

This, kids, is only the beginning! Hell, it only covers our first DAY...More Las Vegas style updates will follow, containing such descriptatory delights as our lunch at the Burger Bar, dinner at Diego (a REAL high-end Mexican food place, fuck YOU, Willy and Jose's) and tons more...Additionally, stay tuned for reviews of the shows which I had the occasion to witness this time out...As always, thanks for stopping by...You kids have a fine Tuesday now...

Labels: get outta town, I eat food, lame stories, poker

So one of the blogs which I read (see, they're on the left side, conveniently under the "I read 'em" header) on a regular basis (at least as much as she'll update) posted a little while back her responses to some interview questions which another blogger had come up with. This is not a new concept, of course, several of you out there have participated in this sort of thing in the past (including me) but, since I was feeling all "answery" and stuff, I responded to her request for interviewees. As such, here are my answers to Rayne's questions, which she actually sent to me like...Last week...She's quick, I'm slow but remember the motto over here: better late than never...Anyhow, ON WITH THE QUESTIONS!
queries are bold, answers are italicized

1. What is your most infamous hockey moment?
Ahh, yes, infamous hockey moments...While it would seem to people who really know me that the pool o' "infamous moments" should be too large to pick a clear winner from, I know the winning incident both well and from the front part of my brain...Back when I was playing inline hockey on a regular basis (we'll say that the year was 1997), there were regular pickup games at a place called Bosanova, which has since closed. These games were usually fun, even if they got a bit chippy. I would skate out (meaning not in goal) for the inline pickup with the "Widefield Line" which consisted of myself, Ryan, Darren (now deceased, sadly), and Justin. We would often skate against some of the better rink rats such as Shane and a guy named Dan Fulghum (who's brother, Luke, played at the University of Denver and, most recently, in the Maple Leafs farm system in the AHL). During one particularly hotly contested pickup game (I know, that sounds lame, but it's how it was), Dan lost his stick, probably due to my stealthy slashing prowess. Before he could pick up his stick, I knocked it up the floor, admittedly a violation of the rules, but what the heck, right? Anyhow, after I did this, Dan, in a misguided fit of rage, skated up behind me and punched me square in the back of my head in a vain attempt to knock me unconscious. While my helmet did fly off of my head and skitter up the floor, I wasn't even knocked down, let alone knocked out. Dan DID succeed in gaining my undivided attention with his fairy punch, however. Following his wee ambush, Dan quickly retreated and I followed, catching up to him in the sitting area. I then proceeded to knock him around some while he begged for the mercy and also while my then-girlfriend, now-wife tried her damnedest to intervene with little success. Following the incident, Dan and I were both told to leave the rink and not come back for two weeks.

2. You are an evil scientist. What incredibly fiendish experiment are you working on?
Yes! I AM an evil scientist! An evil scientist who (nearly) failed math class. As such, I'm currently working on a fiendishly capable calculator so that I can move on to my main experiment which is, of course, a genetically modified herd of (ferocious) unicorns which will do my bidding and no doubt destroy my enemies. Also, they'll be able to do light housecleaning, some chores in the backyard and possibly handle the grocery shopping. Have you ever tried to get around Wal*Mart on a frickin' weekend? Nearly impossible. UNICORN 17! Sharpen that horn, It's grocery shopping time!..

3. What is the one thing you have always wanted to do but haven't had a chance to do yet?
Gee. You know, that's a tough question. It's tough because I often just go out and do whatever it is that I want to do, with relative success...I guess that the only thing that I have yet to do which is also something that I would love to do is play in goal in a professional game. It doesn't have to be NHL, I'd take the UHL or the CHL, but I'd still like to appear in a professional game, just to see how I'd do. Since this is unlikely to happen, however, I should have a backup plan...So here: I'd like to design my own home and then have it built...Now you tell me, which is more attainable?

4. There's a tornado coming! What three things do you grab before diving for the basement and why?
A hardhat, blueprints and a backhoe because, surprise surprise, I ain't got no damn basement.

5. You have just been appointed America's new War Czar. Your first assignment: invade Canada. President Bush has decided they have just gotten too uppity lately what with all of that extra land, the picturesque moose running around and that weird habit they have of selling milk in bags. One catch, he wants to avoid the violent American image so no blood shed allowed. How do you do it?
They sell milk in bags? No way...That's FREAKY...

Anyway, invade and conquer America's hat without shedding a drop of blood? Hmmm...Well, I guess that we could threaten to return Celine Dion if they do not surrender peacefully...Them Canadians might give anything to keep that from happening...

Bonus Question:
6. Ducks - evolutionary triumph or good idea gone bad?
I have to go with 'good idea gone bad' for one reason: you'd think that they'd be good eatin' 'cause they're all feathery and such, but they're WAY greasy...What happened there? All I want is a nice Peking duck dinner and suddenly my rice is soaked in bird fat. You eat that shit, you're likely to sprout 3 or 4 pimples before the check comes. HEY, GOD! This bird is broken! I want my monies back!

So there you are, my answers to some obviously thoughtful questions courtesy of Rayne over at Crunchy Bits. As always, thanks for stopping by...You kids have a fine Monday now...

Labels: I eat food, indignities, lame stories

I know it sounds crazy, but I'm going to say it anyway...IT IS TOTALLY TUESDAY! No, it is! Hey, you can deny it all you want, but you'll simply appear as a FOOL fighting against the steady march of the calendar. Seriously, though, if you DO wish to try your hand at being a "Tuesday denier," try doing it like...Tomorrow. It'll really work well then...Anyhow, I'm not typing this entry up simply to fill space with utter nonsense (though it is mighty tempting). No, I'm typing this entry up so that the (big) Friday Four-Fer won't be the only thing up top here until Wednesday. As such, I should probably get on wif' 'de business...

It Was Bound To Happen Eventually...
Last night was the last Monday of April and, as such, was the night for Freak Train to happen at the Bug Theater in Denver. As per usual, I planned to get up there to perform. Ol' Justin, after months of promises, was also finally prepared to perform so I picked him up at his place of employment on the way out of town. There was, of course, a wee snag in the way of the signup sheet (which you would be well aware of had you listened to our awesomecast episode where we interviewed the host of Freak Train) in that Freak Train was devoting 7 of the 12 performance slots to the 365 project. Due to this, I was pretty sure that the remaining 5 slots would go pretty fast and that we should do our best to get to the theater early and get in line. Long story short, various factors conspired to make us a little bit late. The lateness cost us spots in line which, of course, cost us a chance to perform...That's right, kids, Justin's big stage debut of the skit(s) which he thought up in a fever dream will have to wait at least another month because Freak Train was full by the time we showed up. As the headline says up there, it was bound to happen eventually. Heck, we know what we're getting into, driving up from the Springs with no guarantees so I wasn't crushed by not getting to sign up. My only regret is that poor Justin didn't get to do his thing, considering how long it's been waiting to see the light of day.

The evening wasn't a total loss, however, as we took the opportunity of being not only hungry but also in Denver and enjoyed dinner at the Las Delicias on Kentucky Avenue. For those of you not in the know, Las Delicias is my personal favorite Mexican restaurant with 5 locations in the Denver metro area. I've enjoyed the food there ever since I was a destitute student at the Denver Institute of Technology in 1992. I am sad to report, though, while the food was just as good as ever, the service really does suffer at the Kentucky Avenue location. It took us way too long in my opinion for our order to be taken and our mostly absent server really didn't seem to care whether we were happy with our meal or not. Heck, I was never even offered a refill of my drink...BAD WAITRESS! BAD!

So that's really all that I can think of to post right now. As always, thanks for stopping by. You kids have a fine Tuesday now.

Labels: Freak Train, get outta town, I eat food, indignities

With the all-too-short weekend now behind us, I guess that I really have no choice other than to admit that it IS, in fact, "Back-to-Work Monday" "I'm-a-total-fucking-procrastinator-Tuesday." With this grim fact firmly ensconced in my fetid headmeats, It is my wont to hit you kids with a recap-style post (this one, that you're reading now, just in case there was any confusion), just to fill some space and also to make sure that Friday's post isn't the only stinkin' thing up until...say...Wednesday...Anyhow, you ready? Here we go...

At Least The Weather Was Nice...
As I mentioned sometime last week, the softball team that the wife and I play on has been missing out on playing the softball so far due to uncooperative weather. In a dramatic turn of events, though, this past Friday just so happened to be one of the nicest days that we've seen so far this year. Perhaps you've heard the expression, if you watch any sports at all, "knocking the rust off." Certainly, when the last softball game that was collectively played by your team was sometime last year, there's going to be some of this "rust" that is spoken of (in hushed tones). We had a double header to play on Friday night and, despite several errors both offensively and defensively, we were able to win our second game relatively convincingly. We won't speak of the first game, which is dead to me, since it didn't turn out quite as I'd hoped it would...Either way, we finally played...Yay for that...

Eating Food: One of my Specialties...
As my sister mostly outlined on her little blog yesterday, she and Collin had planned to take my parents out for dinner in honor of their anniversary and my mom's birthday, something which had to be put off until this past week 'cause we were all sick right around the time that these things were supposed to be celebrated. Whereas the wife and I took my parents out last Tuesday evening, Collin and Heather chose this past Saturday. Because we were in the neighboorhood, the wife and I joined in (but paid for ourselves). The chosen eatery was a little Italian restaurant called Brooklyn (the same one that I had to review in only a few words when I was vying unsuccessfully to be the food critic at our local paper). We've been to this place several times before but sadly, it seemed to be our server's first time. Gosh darn it, even though he tried his best, he failed at damn near everything including advising us against purchasing 3 10" round desserts and a couple orders of Cannoli (which he called calloni) for the table. Indeed, this massive dessert (dolcé Focaccia, as it was called) was tasty and dense and wonderful, but we sure as Hell didn't need 3 of them and Collin and Heather sure as Hell didn't need to pay almost $20 US for them.

Does A Bear Shit In The Woods? Apparently Not This Time of Year...
So after the dessert debacle, as it has come to be known, we all headed back to my parents' place to play games and stuff. During one of the games (probably "Pit," since it's the most likely game to spawn conversation about bears), my mom said "so how do bears do it? How does a bear live in hibernation?" I offered some bullshit about "living off of stored fat" and such and then she got a strange look on her face and said "but how do they go to the bathroom?" It seemed that she had read a little report about how bears will be cranky this time of year, so we should avoid them (not that I usually run right up to bears and playfully wrestle with them). See, they're all emerging from hibernation this time of year, according to the news report mom had read, and they're all trying to rid themselves of their butt plugs.

No, seriously...Their butt plugs...

I never gave much thought to the whole hibernation process, but it seems that bears' bodily processes, right before they go into hibernation, will form a butt plug which prevents them from pooing all over themselves and their bed as they slumber. In the spring, this plug must come out, followed by an entire winter's worth of digested fat n' stuff...I guess I'd be cranky too. Anyway, theories as to what comprises this "butt plug" ranged from unfortunate gophers to rocks to small children who wandered away from camp. Sadly, the truth isn't as exciting...The plug is comprised of hard-to-digest vegetation which the bear instinctively consumes prior to his big sleep...Either way, if you see a bear this time of year, offer it some kindness and maybe a little Preparation H. From as far away from the bear as you can get...

Hey You Kids! Get Off My Lawn!..
On Sunday night, right around 11:20 pm, someone (or some someones) went through our neighborhood egging houses. Our house, just through random chance, was one of the ones to be egged. Just by coincidence, I hadn't fallen asleep and heard the crack crack of what turned out to be eggs hitting near our bedroom window. By the time I was able to get dressed and get outside, there were no perpetrators in sight. I did call up the Sheriff's department and a deputy came out pretty quickly to take a report. While I was talking to the deputy on my front lawn, a car pulled up and stopped in front of us. The deputy, suddenly on alert, asked if I knew the driver. When I responded that I did not, in fact, know who was in the car, the deputy's hand went to his gun and I started looking around for cover...Thankfully, it just turned out to be a kid from up the street who had just come home and found that his house was all egged up as well...

Granted, as vandalism goes, egging is rather benign, but it still pisses me off. As such, I'm in the process of installing security cameras (we bought them 5 years ago when we had really shitty neighbors) and a motion light on the side of the house. If anything else like this happens, we'll surely get a really good look at it.

So that's that...Another awesomecast cometh tomorrow, as per usual, so until then...Have a fine Tuesday...

Labels: I eat food, indignities, sports

And yes, it's "Monday" again. For me, it's the dreaded "back to work after a week off" kind of Monday where I have to get back into a routine after 7 days of shunning all things...well..."routine." Add to that the fact that I'm even sicker now than when I started the vacation (despite having been proactive and all that jive and getting meds from the doctor, etc.), I'm not really feeling terribly industrious. All that aside, though, I think that it's time I should post...

The Earth Completed A Full Orbit 'Round The Sun Since My Last Birthday...
Indeed, on the 25th of March, 'round 4:45 in the AM, I became 33 years of age. To celebrate this milestone, my parents were nice enough to take me (along with my wife) out to the Peppertree, a swanky restaurant in a not-so-swanky part of town (literally just a couple hundred feet down the hill from where I work). Despite it's proximity to an outpatient mental health facility and some questionable apartments, the place is really quite upscale. The most important part of any restaurant, however, is the food and in that category, the Peppertree did not disappoint. The house specialty at the Peppertree is their Pepper Steak which is prepared tableside, finished with a brandy flambé and served with spicy mango chutney. I chose said pepper steak, as did my wife, and was extremely impressed. My mom chose the Veal Neil which was more than awesome and my dad had the bone-in Kansas City strip which he surmised was the best steak that he's had anywhere at anytime. Overall, if you're ever in Colorado Springs and looking to impress someone (like maybe me, perhaps) and you've also got some coin to blow, I'd definitely recommend the Peppertree. A all the way.

Get Outta Town!..
On Thursday of last week, myself, my wife, my mom and my dad all took a quick trip up to Estes Park, a small town in the mountains about and hour and a half outside Denver. Among other things, Estes Park is home to the Stanley Hotel which was, of course, the inspiration for the Overlook Hotel in the Stephen King novel "The Shining." The Stanley was actually used as the Overlook in the cheesy Television Miniseries adaptation of "The Shining" and, as you might expect, the gift shop there is simply maggoty with Shining memorabilia. The Stanley was our first stop as we got into town on Thursday and, as Collin mentioned on last week's podcast, it's pretty damn close to EVERYTHING in Estes Park. In the book, of course, the Overlook was completely isolated and impossible to access in the winter months. In real life however, the Stanley is within easy walking distance of the local Safeway and less than a mile from several restaurants, including McDonald's and the Egg and I. Maybe if Jack had just looked around a little...Anyhow, it was decided that we would have lunch at the Cascades restaurant inside the Stanley before checking into the condo which we had rented for the night. As we entered the restaurant, my wife recognized Grant Wilson from the Sci Fi Channel Ghost Hunters show and exclaimed "Hey, T.A.P.S.!" He looked back at us with an almost "I should know who you are" look as we were led to our table (conveniently, right next to his). Soon after, he was joined by someone who I later found out is Patrick Burns from Court TVs "Haunting Evidence" and some others who I figure I should've recognized but didn't. As we ate our lunch, it became increasingly obvious that, just by dumb luck, we had stumbled into the middle of a paranormal conference there at the Stanley. Because of this, everyone (and I do mean EVERYONE) except for us was there for said conference. As such, EVERYONE was staring at US trying to figure out who the Hell we were. As an aside, our waiter at the Cascades, assuming that we were there for the spooky shit, was trying his level best to be as "spooky" as he could be. Poor bastard. His whole spooky act was wasted on our table...The only one he scared was my wife, as he kept sneaking up on her...I will give him credit, though...He moved swiftly...

As an aside, it's always amazing to me exactly how small these TV personalities are in real life. I'm talking homunculi-type small. That Grant guy was a damn midget and the Pat Burns guy...Well...Let's just say that our table could've engulfed and devoured him if the whim struck us...Tiny, tiny individuals...

Another Place To Recommend: The Fawn Valley Inn...
Since it is almost a 3-hour drive up to Estes Park from the Springs, we figured it'd be a good idea to find a place to stay for the night as opposed to just turning right around and coming home. As such, in my search for lodging, one of the few places with a vacancy (Goddamn paranormal conference) was the Fawn Valley Inn, which specializes in condos for rent. Going for what seemed like a bargain as compared to the $500-per-night Stanley (it's still the "off-season" in Estes Park), I booked a deluxe hot tub condo at the Fawn Valley Inn. The website made the place sound top-notch, recently remodeled one bedroom, two bath condo on the second floor with a private 4-person hottub on the deck which overlooks the Fall River. For a mere $188 per night after taxes, how could I pass it up? All four of us could stay in one place comfortably for $47 per person...I have to say that, once we got there, we weren't disappointed...The place was great...Pictures will be posted on Friday...

Then Comes The Sickness...
And then we come to this past weekend...We had many plans which had to be forsaken (hockey, housewarming at the Angellos, dinner at the Melting Pot for my mom's birthday and my mom and dad's anniversary) because I fell ill with a nasty chest...thing...It's still with me today, I was able to get a prescription called in, so I should be better within the week, but it's just so damned inconvenient to be sick. THAT, I don't recommend to anyone...

As always, thanks for stopping by...You kids have a fine Monday now...

Labels: famous folk, get outta town, I eat food, spooky shit

Ahoy there, mateys! Arr, here there be a THURSDAY and, as per usual, a half-assed illustration in honor of Illustration Friday. This week's theme was "Total" and, without further ado, here be what I came up with:
click him, you can see him in larger, full on gorging action

I've always enjoyed Total® cereal. Perhaps I'm not as enthusiastic as this little fella' about eating it but, just like him, I enjoy my Total® with milk and honey. Hey, all of them vitamins and minerals and shit need a little help now and then...Honey is good shit, people...Anyhow, thanks for stopping by: you kids have a fine Thursday now...

Labels: cartoons n' stuff, I eat food, Illustrations

Since you're wondering (don't lie, you know you are), once the voting-related smoke had cleared, the field of nearly 40 individuals (myself included) vying for the position of Dining Critic at the local newspaper was whittled down to only three. I received an email last Thursday which let me know that I was not, in fact, one of the chosen few. As such, when you see me offer my opinions on food in the future, it will continue to be in a non-professional capacity for no compensation. The good news, I guess, would be that I'll still be able to utilize phrases such as "fuck yeah" and "that was horseshit" while I offer said opinions as opposed to having to "clean things up" for a wider, less accepting audience. Additionally, being an actual, no-kiddin' dining critic would've made my life even busier than it is...In that regard, not winning the "contest" might have been good for me...Either way, the dream, she is dead like so many mad cows at the slaughterhouse...Or Chickens at the...Um..."Place where chickens is killed."

On a totally unrelated note, I was dinkin' around with some of our many 1980s stock photos last week and was able to slap together a few "less than motivational" posters, one of which I shall share with you kids now...It's theme is "exclusion." Enjoy.
clicky! It gets BIG!

Labels: I eat food, indignities, Phun With Photoshop

So hey, with it being "Tuesday" all of a sudden, I got to thinkin' that I couldn't let the video of Wii Sports getting the best of my parents stay up for much longer. As such, I figure I'll quickly throw together some sentences and try and pass them off as a "blog post." Ready for the half-assin'? Rockin'. Here we go...

Nobody Likes To Be Called Stupid, Mr. Knight...
So I mentioned on last week's awesomecast episode that I joined the mob of "reviewers" (70-plus other "bloggers") across the way there at Bloglaughs . To be a reviewer at the site required no more qualifications than being able to send an email to the individual who runs it and once I had done that, I was suddenly "in." Sadly, the first blog which I had the opportunity to gang up on thoughtfully review was an "award-winning" blog that...well...Look, it was just horrible. I'm sure it appeals to someone (or many thousands of someones, to be exact) but it just didn't appeal to me...As such, even though I was as kind as I could be in my scoring and comments, my review turned out to be quite unkind. Now don't go getting the wrong idea, the review was not mine to do solo. Because of that, I figured that, just maybe, I could be alone in my abject repulsion for the blog in question (which I will not mention because I don't have time to be battling with the site's half-wit fans, I'm a busy man you see). When the review was unveiled on Monday, though, it was clear that the majority of the other reviewers (whom I do not know) felt mostly the same: the blog received one of the lowest scores of any of the sites reviewed by Bloglaughs so far. As soon as the review went up, the owner of the blog which was lampooned posted a link on her site so that her sheepy sheep minions could visit and call all of the reviewers "jealous fatties who hate pretty girls" in the comments. Now, we all know that I'm a fat motherfucker, I can't argue with that, but I'm not exactly sure where the jealous part comes in. That's neither here nor there, really...I can only imagine that if the review had come out as one of the "positive" variety, this chick would have likely either ignored it altogether or sent her minions to praise our collective and anonymous "coolness." Either way, it was a great way to start off with the Bloglaughs folks...I hope to God that future reviews won't be as painful to read as my first one...

Remember When I Said "I Don't Want Your Stupid Job Anyway?" Yeah, I Didn't Mean It...
Also last week, I mentioned that I had submitted a mock review for a contest which is designed to find the next food critic at our local paper. At press time (I love saying that), I guess I'm still in the running for said job, along with 24 or 25 other individuals. In phase one of the competition (the paper wanted to turn the process into a "reality show style competition"), all of the original submitters (about 50) were invited to an Italian restaurant not far from where Collin (and my parents, for that matter) live at 4pm this past Friday. As I've already revealed, about half of the original number of submitters showed (including myself). Upon arrival, we were all given a pair of those insipid Groucho glasses and instructed to "sit anywhere." At the appointed time, those of us that made it were given various foods to eat (including pizza) and instructed to write a short (75 words or less) synopsis of the restaurant. Even though it was a tall order for Captain Verbosity (that's me, by the way) to keep anything under 75 words, I done did it and even submitted my synopsis before the deadline. For now, I wait...I'll keep you kids posted as to how that all goes...At the very least, being involved in the process will allow me to compile some fun stories for later inclusion on this humble little blog-thing...

Yarr!..Do Ye Already Have A Life Insurance Policy, Matey?..
Hopefully you all had a chance to watch at least a little bit of the video of my parents playing that new-fangled Wii. This past Friday, after I was done with the eating of the foods and wearing of gag glasses, there was a "game night" held at my parents' place which my wife and I were happy to be part of. Luckily, we brought our video camera and set it up to record the hijinks which ensued during a spirited round of Curses, a 2002 Mensa Select game, which my mom recently picked up at some store in the mall. The game has you perform various tasks which sound simple enough (such as pretend to sell an insurance policy to the person sitting next to you) but the "curses" that befall you throughout the game are where the actual frivolity comes in. As an example, you may have to constantly speak in your best Irish accent or, if you were unlucky like me, bite the end of your tongue every time you speak (go ahead, try it, see how it feels and how you sound). Or slap yourself every time you draw a card. Or bow anytime someone claps. Regardless, it's a great game if you've got the right assemblage of bodies and, hopefully, it will have given me enough footage to pare down and post on some random Friday in the near future...

And Speaking of Collin...
...because we were, the little bastard "tagged" me for one of those "tell the world weird stuff about you" posts. Now, we all know of my near-legendary propensity to ignore "tags" (I know, I'm no fun at all) and I've already done a similar post so I'm not thinking I need to repeat it but...Well...We'll see...Don't forget, kids, tomorrow is awesomecast day so get them MP3 players primed and ready for another half-assed imitation of a radio show...As always, thanks for stopping by, you all have a fine Tuesday now...

Labels: collin crap, I eat food, lame stories

Hey, kids, it's almost Monday as I'm typing this and, just so's you know, I'm having trouble getting to sleep...This lack of sleep thing is most likely due to the fact that I may have included a little too much caffeine in my diet today or maybe it's that the standup routine that I wrote for tomorrow's Freak train keeps traipsing through my fetid headmeats, leaving it's muddy footprints everywhere and refusing to hang it's coat on a hanger, like a civilized set of thoughts would...At any rate, I figured that if said headmeats were going to refuse to shut down, I might as well put them to good (HA!) use and bang out one of them blog posts that the kids (whomever THEY may be) seem to love so much. Ready? Good, here come the sentences...

***Update*** The egg on the face, it tastes...Like egg! It seems that "Submission Reviewer" is NOT affiliated with our local paper. It also would seem that I'm still somehow in the running for the whole reviewer thing at this point, provided I can make it to a specific location at 4pm this Friday...So in the long run, "SR" was just trying to make people sad by leaving scathing comments. WTF am I talking about here? Read on and find out...
Your Words, They Cut Like The Knife...
One of the people that I work with who also happens to have a blog (other than Collin and the lady-who-remains-nameless-even-though-we-all-go-for-lunch-'cause-she's-our-surrogate-Kathy) had a post on his blog last week in regards to our local paper holding a contest of sorts in order to find themselves a new dining critic seeing as their current (and soon to be former, if'n he ain't already) dining critic was (and this is seriously what they said) "looking to devote more time to his day job." What they wanted was for the unwashed masses to submit their own dining reviews so that they may be considered for the (lofty) position of part-time food critic at the ol' newspaper. Once I found out about this, I decided that, since I had more than a few "restaurant reviews" kicking around on the ol' blogsitething here (seriously, check the archives, I have tons of posts wherein I type about food, no wonder I'm so fat), I figured that I'd just use one of those as my "entry," choosing (foolishly) to use my review of Famous Dave's BBQ from when I was in Las Vegas a couple of years back...I figured "all I have to do is show a sample of my writing style as it pertains to food and they'll love me."

It's ok, you can stop chuckling...I've been wrong before, it ain't the first time...

Word to the wise: never use a blog post as an entry into a contest where actual journalist-types are judges. This blatant faux-pas will be seen as "half-assing" your entry (which...duh...It is) and the resultant comments which your submission will generate will be...Um..."less than kind." I know, I know, I didn't do myself any favors by choosing an old review of a chain restaurant which happens to be out of town. I also failed to focus on the "total dining experience" (you know, hours, prices, what the waitresses wear, shit like that) but...Well, I didn't give that any thought at the time. Anyhow, with the deadline for submissions having been this past Friday, I checked on Sunday to see if there had been any comments left on my entry and lo-and-behold, there had been. Of course, one was from a "shill" of sorts (my wife) and her comment was vaguely positive, which I liked...The comment which followed my wife's wasn't unkind either (the commenter called my review a "fun read" and then brought up valid points about my not describing the menu in enough detail). The next comment, though, illustrated the main problem with using an old review: there now happens to be a Famous Dave's location right here in town...I'm sure this commenter was thinking "why didn't you simply review the one IN TOWN, doofus? I wouldn't blame him (or her) if they had, it's a valid concern, but one that you kids already KNOW the reason behind...The next comment (where things start to go South, just so you know) hated, to the point of wanting to "barf" even, my gross overuse of the ellipses (you know, this shit: ... ). I can't really say anything to that outside of "sorry, that's just how I do things." I never claimed to know how to write but 'de ellipses, last time I checked, are a thoroughly acceptable way to denote a pause and...Well...I "pause" a lot, as you can probably tell by now...Anyhow, moving on to the next comment which was left by (dun dun DUNNN) the Submission Reviewer or "SR" (as I'm sure he (or she) is known to his (or her) friends). As you can likely imagine, SR did NOT like my little blog entry restaurant review one Goddamn bit. Outside of the valid complaints (I didn't go in depth enough, restaurant location isn't local, blah blah blah) SR was able to put in one of those Journalists-hate-blog-entries jabs by saying that "the writing was Junior High at best." SR follows up this slight by ignoring what he (or she) said just a sentence or two earlier about my choice of location and snidely recommended other BBQ restaurants in Las Vegas, including Memphis Championship which, ironically, I did review in another one of my (insipid) blog posts about Vegas...I just didn't send it in for this contest...

Before I move on from this, though, I feel the need to revisit SR's complaint about my writing: "Junior High at best." Down to the brass tacks, his (or her) comment means that even on my BEST day, which are few and far between, I can still muster up no more informative and descriptive power with my typin's than your average 8th grader. I see this as a bit of a disappointment...I had more on the end of this paragraph, but have removed it for the time being because I'm a total sellout.

Anyhow, I guess it's safe to say at this point that I won't be doing any paid dining reviews anytime soon (or ever). Of course, it's probably for the best as I barely have enough time in my week to foist my sub-sophomoric storytelling on you poor bastards (and bastardettes), let alone eat out all the time and get paid to type about it. On top of that, if I WERE a dining critic, I'd probably have to change my byline to H. Fatty Obesenstein...

Which leads me to another topic...

They Say The Camera Adds Ten Pounds...How Many Damn Cameras Were On Me, Anyway!?
I know I've mentioned before that, in my not-so-copious spare time, I've been officiating high school and middle school (see, it's not even called "Junior High" anymore) wrestling. As such, this past week, I was scheduled to be the JV referee at a dual meet which just happened to be one of the "televised" variety...When these sorts of things are televised, the cameras are only trained on the varsity mat which meant that I wasn't supposed to be "on camera" for any of the matches that I was scheduled to officiate. Anyhow, long story short(er), following weigh-ins, it was apparent that, of a possible 14 matches, the JV squads were only going to be able to muster 3 measly little matches for me to work over on the (lowly) JV mat. Because of this (the great JV match drought of ot-seven), once my matches concluded, I wandered over to the varsity mat to assist the varsity official. Now, in addition to me assisting him, the varsity official talked the varsity coaches into allowing me to officiate one varsity match just for the sake of expanding my experience. Anyhow, all of this led to my fat self being highly visible on the television broadcast of the event, which I was able to watch on friday evening. Now, before I go into detail about how grossly enormous I appeared to be on screen, I should ask you kids a question...Have you ever felt like "ok, I know I've put on a few pounds, but I don't look TOO bad" and then you end up seeing a picture of yourself or (God forbid) a video of yourself? If you have, then you know just how disparate your self-image and the image on the screen can be which was exactly the case when I saw the broadcast...I looked...Well, I looked like Godzilla AFTER eating Tokyo...Just a fat blob in black-and-white stripes and, to tell the truth, I was dumbfounded that I was able to move, let alone move so fast, pudge rolls a-jigglin'. Hell, with all of the fat hanging off of the extra fat (which, of course, was nestled close to fat I didn't even know I had), it appeared that I stood upright only through the workings of a miracle. Christ, I'm a circus freak...You want to talk about a quick way to become depressed...I was even starting to wonder, watching Fatty Fatterson play the role of me on the TV, if I would ever be able to fit into human-sized clothing again...

So I'm going to go back on a weight-loss program...I'll let you kids know how that goes...

And Speaking of "Half-Assing" Things (Oh, We Were)...
Later today (much later, actually) is the January Freak Train at the Bug Theatre in Denver. I mentioned at the very beginning of this already way-too-long post that I have a stand-up routine which I plan to unveil at said Freak Train running through my headmeats and preventing me from attaining sweet, peaceful slumber...The reason for this standup routine's forceful takeover of my brain is a simple one: I just got around to writing it. To be fair, I had SOME of the jokes written a couple month ago and I plan on doing a live version of one of my many audio entries which used to grace the pages of this sad little blogsitething on a semi-regular basis, so that's not terribly hard to memorize but...Well, the meat of the routine is all new...This, of course, means that I'm currently caught in the Hell of knowing that I need sleep but also knowing that I may get up on stage Monday night and completely space out what I'm supposed to say...Of course as you've probably already discerned, I'm trying to reconcile all of the aforementioned stress by typing up a shockingly long and pointless blog entry (this one). Since that is the case, though, I should probably mention that Justin Carmical plans on catching a ride with me up to the Train so that he can try out a standup routine which, if I remember right, he wrote in a fever dream. Should be lots of fun. I promise (HA! Look at me promising) that I'll bring my trusty video camera along in order to capture the moment for posterity...

So that should be that, kids...As always, thanks for stopping by. You all have a fine Monday now...

Labels: Bad Stand-Up Comedy, get outta town, I eat food, lame stories, misguided rantings, sports

And so, in honor of the wife and I's 6th wedding anniversary this past weekend, my parents treated us to dinner at Elway's, a restaurant which is co-owned by the hall-of-fame Broncos quarterback John Elway and is located in the Cherry Creek neighborhood of the Denver Metropolitan Area. Outside of my parents telling me that it's an enjoyable place to eat (they had the opportunity to dine at Elway's some months back courtesy of my aunt and uncle), the reviews I sought out suggested that it's a casual type of steakhouse with a homey sort of feel. Once we arrived at Elway's, I found those assertions to be near complete bullshit (the place, in my opinion, is appointed rather lavishly with rich wood, large artsy light fixtures and some really attractive stone work). Outside of that outright lie, I did find that the service at Elway's was excellent, the menu (both food and drink) to be just diverse enough and the food (which is the most important part) to be top-notch. I'll break our recent Elway's experience down for you crazy kids...now:

Reservations are recommended (but surprisingly easy to make)...
Since we were dining on a Saturday evening, it was understood that we wouldn't be able to get a seat at Elway's without a reservation (actually, reservations are required every day of the week, I'm told). Luckily, straight from the restaurant's website, you have the option of making a reservation online (yes, I said ONLINE) at a neat little website called opentable.com. The process was quick and easy and, as we found out, reliable. The only reason that we had to wait any significant amount of time to be seated at Elway's was due to the fact that we showed up way early. The front-of-house staff at Elway's, in my opinion, is professional and courteous and did a fine job of sorting through the multitude of guests who were waiting in various places (including the bar, which was mostly packed and featured live entertainment) and getting said guests seated in a timely fashion.

Now, You Mentioned Something About The Menu Earlier...
Once we were seated (comfortably, in my opinion), we had a chance to take a look at the menu. I'd already glanced at it online prior to our arrival but it was still a bit challenging to select a meal. Now, I don't mean it was challenging in a "I don't like any of this stuff" way, I mean it more of a "crap, I want to try ALL of this stuff" way. Our table enjoyed two appetizers (just a tip from me to you: appetizers at Elway's are designed for 3 people. No more, no less. Three shall be the number of pieces on an appetizer plate at Elway's and the number of the appetizer items shall be three) since we numbered 4: Coconut shrimp (not bad) and lamb fondue (excellent). The coconut shrimp wasn't necessarily what you might expect (unless you've had the coconut shrimp appetizer at the Elephant Bar. In that case, it'd be exactly what you might expect). There were three large shrimp on bamboo skewers, battered in a coconut...um...batter and fried, served with a nicely spicy dipping sauce and accompanied by a half-coconut filled with some sort of fruity slaw. The lamb fondue consisted of three small sections of a lamb-rack, seasoned and cooked a a perfect rare and accompanied by seasoned croutons and roasted sweet potatoes, all of which were to be dipped into a warm green pepper cheese sauce which I found to be (frou-frou word alert) exquisite. Hell, I could've ordered a couple more lamb fondue appetizers and been set for the evening BUT...There was more to come...

When Everything is Ala Carte, WHY NOT Order Soup and Salad?..
And yes, before we go any further, everything on the menu at Elway's (keeping with the standard at your typical steakhouse) is ala carte. Faced with this, I decided to not order soup or a salad but, unbeknownst to my wife or myself, my parents slipped in their orders while ordering their meals (why the Hell not, they were paying). Dad ordered a house salad (which looked a little too "mixed greens" for my taste but he said that it was good) with bleu cheese and my mom ordered the chicken corn chowder which arrived impressively thick and (thankfully for me) a little too spicy for my mom's liking. Due to this development, I was allowed to eat most of the chicken corn chowder and found it to be quite enjoyable. Unlike most chowders featuring chicken, there were ample pieces of what tasted like mesquite roasted chicken leg meat, corn, potatoes and other chowdery things. If you're planning on making a trip to the Mile High City and have now penciled in "eating at Elway's" on your to-do list, DO NOT SKIP THE CHOWDER! Seriously, it was quite awesome...

Have I Mentioned that Elway's is, in fact, a Steakhouse?..
So following the appetizers and the salad and the chowder and the drinks (oh, I didn't mention drinks? Very nice bar list, to be sure), the logical next step would be our entrees and OH MY GOD, Elway's did not disappoint. I ordered the 22oz porterhouse cooked rare and while I won't go so far as to say it was the best steak I've ever had, it was very close to taking that title. Seasoned wonderfully and cooked to perfection, my steak was tender and flavorful. I had a twice-baked potato as my side which I found to be quite enjoyable. My dad also had the porterhouse while my wife and my mother both had the filet (and my mom did say that her steak was "the best steak she'd ever had.") Other sides at the table included the fries (significantly better than you'd think they'd be), asparagus (the wife complained that it wasn't quite cooked enough) and au gratin potatoes which myself, my mom and my wife all agreed were the best side at the table. Holding out for dessert, I didn't finish my steak or my potato but, after being boxed up by the staff, my potato (dun dun DUNNNN) mysteriously disappeared. In the future, I shall be more clear as to my potato-related intentions, to be sure...

And Speaking of Dessert...
The dessert menu at Elway's has some typical items and some which are not so typical including warm cookies with milk and assemble yourself s'mores. My dad chose the Key Lime Pie (which was actually a small individual pie, not a mere slice), mom chose the brownie lollipop (the smallest dessert I've ever seen) and the wife and I shared warm cookies and ice cream. Outside of the strangely small (*cough* RIPOFF) brownie lollipop, the desserts we sampled were very rich and flavorful, certainly a fine way to cap off such a memorable and enjoyable meal...

And Here's The Part About How We're Just Not Cut Out For Fancy Eatin' Joints...
Before we left, both my wife and my mother made a trip to the restroom. My wife arrived back at the table first and informed us that at Elway's, in addition to the unique sinks and the automatic faucets and soap dispensers, mouthwash was available to freshen your mostly foul breath. My mom, upon her return to the table, looked a bit embarrassed and said "you know, I'm just not cut out for these kinds of places."

"What, did you wash your hands with the mouthwash?" I asked, jokingly.

Turned out, she had. Her hands DID smell fresh and clean for the ride home, though...

So to sum up, if you're looking for an attractive and comfortable restaurant where you can simultaneously enjoy a great steak and impress your date with minty-fresh hands (and you happen to be in the Denver Metro Area), put Elway's at the top of your list...I doubt you'll be disappointed (unless you're just some jerk who doesn't like the Broncos and, in turn, doesn't like Johnny Elway 'cause he likely engineered a brilliant 4th quarter drive to beat your favorite team at some point...If this is the case, see if you can find a restaurant named "Kosar's" or "Favre's." Eat there, you losers). I give Elway's an enthusiastic "A" and definitely plan on enjoying their food again. Well, if they'll let my kind back into such a swanky joint, that is...

Labels: I eat food, lame stories, sports, stuff mom's done

So really, there's nothing like a weekend recap post that's so much a day late that it can include what I did on Monday...No, really. THERE'S NOTHING LIKE IT. of course, that's not to say that the "it" in question is any good. It's just mostly unique. Anyway, enough of my not making sense, let's get on wif' 'de bidness, shall we?

A PARTY!? I Never...Oh, wait...
So we got invited to ANOTHER Halloween party (suddenly, we's popular) by the CopyGodd which occured (I assume) this past Saturday. While I really appreciated the invite, sadly, we were not able to attend. The reason being was that my wife was playing in a women's hockey tournament with a team called the Pucking Witches and I, being the nice fella' that I am, was there to support her...Her team had to play 4 games in the span of about 27 hours so, needless to say, she was pretty well beat by Saturday night. Additionally, I have the dubious distinction of being the "official announcer" for this tournament's championship rounds so I was up early on Sunday to get things rockin' and rollin' at the rink (which, by the way, has HORRIBLE accoustics). I have to say, though, that this may be the last year which I find it feasible to associate myself with this particular tournament, but that's a story for another time...

Did I mention that I hate Phil Simms?..
So after I was done doing all of what I was doing at the Ice Hall, I came home with the intention of watching the Denver Broncos handle the Stinkin' Colts and send them home unceremoniously with a loss on their record. Sadly, partly due to a completely bullshit review and subsequent overturn by the officials, Indianapolis hung in the game and ended up winning on a last second field goal. Now, I can be pissed at Darrent Williams for not being able to cover shit, let alone Reggie Wayne. I can also be pissed at Peyton Manning for playing what my dad likes to call "pussy football" but really, my anger is mostly directed at whomever at CBS thinks that it's a good idea to put Phil Fucking Simms on Broncos broadcasts as a color analyst...Seriously, this guy is the least professional asshole ex-player of all the unprofessional ex-player asshole color analysts oout there. It's obvious that Simms hates Denver, so why the HELL is he allowed to be a part of the broadcast team that covers Broncos games? Fuck you, CBS and fuck you, Phil Simms. You! Go to Hell!..

Get On Board, Freaks...
So yesterday was the last Monday of the month and, of course, that means Freak Train happened last night at the Bug Theatre in Denver. Since it was so close to the Halloweens, I had planned to do a little song and dance act dressed in a sheet (officially called the Spooky Singing Ghost) and, I have to say, even though I was not alone in the idea of singing, it all went good. Big thanks to Pat Angello for being my "cape man," even though he left the cape on the stage and ran off, Pee Wee Herman style (video proof of this incident shall be posted here on Friday)...My wife and my parents even showed up to watch me get all stupid last night and it was really nice to have them in the audience. At Freak Train, though, there's what they call "the 13th Freak" which is just a randomly selected number person through the door who has to perform a skit with some direction in addition to the 12 performers who signed up. My wife had a premonition that she might be said 13th Freak and damned if that didn't come true...She was none too happy about having to do it but, I have to say, she did a good job. Sadly, I didn't have the video camera handy to capture her brief stint on stage for posterity but hey, she did it...Way to go, Squatchy!

Neil's dressed as a giant chicken...A giant chicken with succulent BREAST MEATS!..
So yeah, it's Halloween and there's a costume contest going to happen here at the agency in about 20 minutes. There's a good selection of pirates this year and one half zorro, half samurai and a couple of vampiresses and stuff but yeah: Neil is dressed as a chicken (and a pretty convincing chicken at that)...I myself will NOT be reprising my role as "vodeedoo" which won me "spookiest costume" at Jen's party a couple weeks ago (mostly 'cause I hate putting on the makeup) so I just brought in the sheet costume I wore last night at the Bug. I'm not counting on winning anything, but stranger things have happened...Regardless, there'll be food...Hell, I brought donuts ('cause I didn't have time to bake cookies). Anyhow, thanks for stopping by today, you all have a great Halloween now...

Labels: Freak Train, hockey stuff, holidays, I eat food, lame stories, sports, stagnation, tales of triumph

And welcome (officially) to Wednesday. For this week's awesomecast, myself, my wife and our old buddy Collin (via the telephone, of course. No need to leave your palatial estate when you gots one) are talking (briefly) about being fat, I then advocate Collin as the potential winner of a contest (of sorts) and then we talk about an article written by some nutty cult guy about how blogging is the Devil...Or something...Anyhow, here you go:

Labels: audio, awesomecasts, collin crap, I eat food, podcasts, religion

So hey, it's awesomecast day! Today's episode of the ol' Son of Cheese Half Hour Power Hour is really for those of you who were mostly unable to read yesterday's typed-up entry. That's right, I review the restaurants that we ate at in greater detail and, as a special bonus, we find out what's actually inside Easy Cheese®. You know you want to clicky and listen, so why not do that...now.

Labels: audio, awesomecasts, collin crap, get outta town, I eat food, podcasts