So for this next spirited episode, I come out sounding like more of a retard than normal as I constantly contradict myself on the topics of holidays and medicinal marijuana. Look, I was tired, eh? Gimme a break and just click to listen:

Labels: audio, awesomecasts, holidays, podcasts

Who doesn't love Christmas music, right? Hell, you can hear it year round if you look hard enough and you've definitely been inundated with it since AT LEAST the day following Thanksgiving. In this episode, we share our own personal holiday favorites for your listening displeasure. Why not just click and listen and hear for yourself?

Labels: audio, awesomecasts, holidays, podcasts

The newest episode of the awesomecast is here! Ever have a crappy holiday? Yep, most of us have too AND WE TALK ABOUT IT 'cause...well, that's the kind of shit we do. You know you want to share in our misery, so clicky to listen right now:

Labels: audio, awesomecasts, holidays, podcasts

Hey, it's the Holiday season, which means that people are pushier and driving more like crap than usual AND we're in the holiday spirit which pretty much means avoiding retail outlets and hiding in the studio recording podcasts. Speaking of, here is an episode wherein we chat about our personal holiday traditions! you know you'd rather listen to me ramble than read me ramble, so go ahead, clicky, listen and enjoy!

Labels: audio, awesomecasts, holidays, podcasts

Hey, Merry Christmas! Look, I'd go about wishing everybody a happy whatever they celebrate but...Look, I don't have much time here. To sum up: hope you had a great time. And got what you wanted (or at least what you deserved). Today is my son Max's first Christmas EVER and, since he's currently sleeping off some of the excitement, I figured I should at least TRY and post something. So here goes.

Up until I became a parent, I was always incredulous as to why anyone would want to have their little baby sit on Santa's lap. These situations, I estimated, never ended well and simply served to tie up the jolly fat elf when he could be devoting those precious seconds to an older child who could AT THE VERY LEAST articulate what they might want under their tree (or in their stocking) come Christmas morning. Best case scenario? You get a once-in-a-lifetime photo such as the one Pat Angello was lucky to capture last Christmas. Worst case scenario? You end up with this:

See, the agency that I work for has, since 1985, celebrated Christmas for the kids of the employees in a very generous manner. There's a Santa and a present from Santa and games and activities. For obvious reasons, I've not participated in said party until this year. To tell the truth, I wasn't planning on participating this year because I figured that Max was too young to appreciate it. I acquiesced to the pressure to bring the little guy, though and was hopeful that we'd have the same results as Pat. Not so much, as you can tell.

Hey, remember when I braved sub-zero temperatures and pushy, booger-nosed chicks on Black Friday to score a washer-dryer set for next to nothing? Remember that? Yeah? Good, remind me about it come March when I've likely forgot all about it because THAT'S WHEN THE GODDAMN THINGS ARE SCHEDULED TO SHIP. That's right, kids, I chose to purchase the washer and dryer that ALL OF AMERICA (and probably half of Mexico) chose as well, which has put the factory so far behind that our big Christmas gift will end up feeling like a nice birthday gift right before Spring. Oh well, at least we still have a working washer and dryer. Not like the poor bastard behind me in line who needed one THAT DAY 'cause his washer had "taken a crap" as he so eloquently put it. He's probably still making regular trips to the laundromat. Sucker.

Hey, you know what? I've actually been asked by TWO SEPARATE PEOPLE (count 'em! Two!) to get some more podcasts online. Far be it from me to ignore the clatter of the clamoring masses, so...Yeah, We'll get to that eventually. Stay tuned.

Hey, my wife won the last poker tournament that I had. Way to go, Squee.

Holy shit, Meme! I completely ripped this thing off from Diana. It's long. It fills space. Here it comes...
Rules: Simply bold the stuff that you've done. Adding stuff is my bonus gift to you.

1.Started your own blog Duh. How else would one post this stupid thing?
2. Slept under the stars - oh...no. I mean, I've slept (fitfully) in tents in the past, but never outside with nothing above me but the stars. That's just irresponsible. You could get rained on.
3. Played in a band because playing trombone in the school band in 5th grade totally counts.
4. Visited Hawaii - the owner of the agency I work at intimated one time that I was "no kind of man" because I had never been to Hawaii. I still have yet to reclaim my manhood, based on that standard. The way things are going, it may take a while...
5. Watched a meteor shower Leonids! 1998!
6. Given more than you can afford to charity - no. Simply put: no.
7. Been to Disneyland in 1980. I've also been to Disneyworld
8. Climbed a mountain - I don't think so. I mean, not on foot, at least.
9. Held a praying mantis - nope.
10. Sang a solo karaoke and/or Freak Train totally counts.
11. Bungee jumping
12. Visited Paris Paris on the Platte, a stupid little coffee house in Denver. That's as close to Paris as I'll get in THIS lifetime.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea - this sounds very cool. I should endeavor to make this happen someday.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch cartooning.
15. Adopted a child.
16. Had food poisoning can't even count the number of times.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables when I was a kid, my sister and I had a little garden. I grew carrots. They tasted like dirt.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked only as a joke while cleaning up a stretch of highway as part of the Adopt-A-Highway thing in high school.
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill just once, but it wasn't like "calling in well," it was something to do with Max.
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb not a live one. And not a whole one. Piece by delicious piece as I put them into my belly. God, I love lamb.
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse OF THE HEART! heh. No, of the sun. And the moon. A couple times.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run both the inside and outside the park variety.
32. Been on a cruise a wee riverboat excursion on the Mississippi while visiting St. Louis. So kind of, not really.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person and up close via the Maid of the Mist. It was awesome, in the literal sense of the word.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors - I would love to. Haven't got that far yet.
35. Seen an Amish community we visited Amish country in Pennsylvania in the summer of 2007. It was kind of quaint.
36. Taught yourself a new language I now speak LOLcat. And shut up, that totally counts.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied I'm not sure what the person who wrote this question had in mind, but just being able to do something fun if I choose to qualifies in my mind. So sure.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing sort of, in 6th grade.
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke can't even count the number of times.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant - I had to think about this. I thought that I had, but come to find out, I haven't.
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight - only during the day.
46. Been transported in an ambulance - not yet.
47. Had your portrait painted - only done in marker, not paint.
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkelling
52. Kissed in the rain - if I have, it wasn't terribly memorable.
53. Played in the mud I'm sure I did. I don't remember doing it, but I'm sure I did.
54. Gone to a drive-in theater as recently as the late 1990s.
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business we'll be talking more about this in the near future.
58.Taken a martial arts class
59.Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check ah, yes. I was wondering if I'd get to say "yes" again and then here comes an example of completely irresponsible behavior. In my defense, I had overdraft protection, but the bank was still all pissed off.
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy just about a week ago, even. I didn't have the heart to throw away my Popeye's Dyanamite Music machine.
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial - skipped this while we were in D.C.
71. Eaten caviar first time was when I was about 8. I remember that it tasted salty.
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job just the telemarketing thing.
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone mine or someone else's? Either way: yes.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle it was probably speeding, 'cause the speed limit was only 20.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person from an airplane.
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car it was a truck, actually.
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Qur’an
86. Visited the White House - SO FRICKIN' CLOSE! We were supposed to get a tour in the summer of 2007, but stuff fell through. Oh well, maybe next time.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating - you'd think that I would've done this, but somehow this experience has escaped me to this point.
88. Had chickenpox sadly, over Spring Break. GYP!
89. Saved someone’s life - not to my knowledge.
90. Sat on a jury - I haven't, but have always wanted to. I haven't even been summonsed for jury service. EVER!
91. Met someone famous more than a few times.
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one haven't we all?
94. Had a baby I didn't do the hard part, but he's mine, nonetheless
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit and I was none too pleased about it, let me tell you.
98. Owned a cell phone a few of them, actually.
99. Been stung by a bee - never. And it's not like I haven't put myself in harm's way, I used to wade into bee clouds and slap at them. How have I never been stung? Divine providence, perhaps or could just be dumb luck.
100. Read an entire book in one day NFHS wrestling rules. I had to cram!

So there you go, an entry. Hot shit. Until next time, you kids behave. And have a happy holiday season.

Labels: holidays, I'm A Consumer Whore, indignities, lame stories

Given all the stupid crap that I will do (and have done) at a moment's notice without giving a serious thought to consequence, it may come as a surprise that there are a great many things that I do not or will not do. Well, to be fair, there are a damn lot of things that I'm simply not fond of doing and I find that avoidance is just as good as any method when it comes time to deal with the aforementioned "such things." Case in point: I harbor an intense dislike of crowds of people, especially crowds of people that seem focused on a singular goal. Soccer fans, concertgoers, China...You get the idea. Anyhow, because of this, I do NOT camp out to buy things (like some of you fuckers have done in the past for sweet, sweet Wiiness. You know who you are) and I do NOT go "shopping" on Black Friday (Or Schwarz Frietag, as it's fondly referred to by our Aryan brothers and sisters). I say it every year, I would be hard pressed to participate in the madness, lining up in the freezing cold even before the sun rises, following the other sheep into the store at 5 o'clock in the Goddamn morning, pushing, shoving and jockeying for position to make sure that I can procure the latest gadget so as to elicit the undying devotion of whomever I deem worthy to bestow it upon. No way, not this fat kid. I like to sleep way more than I like communing with the unwashed masses, or the inherent thrill that only the perception of somehow saving money by shredding my dignity to dive in and become a consumer whore the day after Thanksgiving can bring.

Until now, that is...There's a first time for everything...

You see, a couple of weeks ago, I decided that I would get a new clothes dryer as a Christmas gift to myself and the wife. It's not that the dryer we currently have does a poor job, it's just that, true to form, I went cheap when I purchased the thing (along with it's special sibling "the washer") back in 2001. Because of my miserly ways, and while the dryer's capacity may be great, it's features are limited. Case it point, there is no "low" heat setting. There's "high" and "medium" but no "low," which I'm convinced is causing some of my clothing (especially the ones labeled "tumble dry low") to shrink up gradually and look "all funny."

And no, It couldn't possibly be because I'm fat...No no, it's the fault of the major appliance in the back room. Keep up, will you?

Anyhow, Yeah. A new dryer. I had done some research on dryers and was all set to spend as much as 700 or 800 American dollars on a significantly more functional model when the wife pointed out a television commercial touting the oh-so-wonderful and mindblowing deals which Sears (and his dead homie Roebuck) planned to offer on Friday, November 28. Stores open at 5:00 AM! Quantities Limited! Hurry in For Best Selection! Washer and Dryer Combo for only $599 American Dollars!

Wait, what!? six-hundred bucks for a dryer AND a washer? And it doesn't suck? It dries clothes on low? The washer is one of them-there new fangled FRONT LOADER models!? Holy SHIT! You say all I have to do is be at my local Sears store when the doors open at 5:00 AM!? I'M IN!

And despite my history, I WAS in. Begrudgingly in, but "in" nonetheless. Following a wonderful thanksgiving meal at my parents house on Thursday (and a rousing session of the Game of Things with several members of my family) the wife and I went home and made sure I set my alarm for somewhere around 4:00 IN THE AM this morning. In an impressive display of steely resolve, I only hit snooze one time. One trucker's shower and a pair of sweatpants later, I had enough time to go outside and warm up my truck while I knocked freshly fallen snow off of it. I was confident that I would not come home from the hunt empty handed! I would BUY that washer-dryer pair! I would drive around back for pickup! I would have the greasy guy with the hand truck load the spoils of victory in the back of my tiny truck! I would drive home oozing pride, twin cardboard-clad monuments to my shopping prowess announcing to the rest of the motorists that I was, in fact, their better in every imaginable way!..

Of course, the appliances being currently "back-ordered" kind of foiled all of THAT noise...Still, though, I was able to buy what I came for. I was handed a receipt for what I lost at least 4 hours of sleep for. I was given a not-so-solid timeframe as to when the items I braved truly frigid temperatures for would be back in stock...

But hey, a win is a win.

As an aside, very near where I was in line, waiting my turn with the other sheep like so many snot-nosed kids waiting to burden a mall Santa with their extensive lists of holiday needs, except our goal was to get a precious minute or two with the poor appliance guy that was ringing up one backordered appliance after another, there was some fat lady and her husband trying desperately to purchase a large television with what turned out to be an expired Sears card. Predictably, she demanded to see a manager when the transaction didn't go through and, when the manager explained that he couldn't simply "swipe the card again," she became irate and started making a scene. "I'VE...WE'VE BEEN HERE SINCE TWO THIS MORNING AND IF I DON'T GET WHAT I CAME FOR, THERE'S GOING TO BE TROUBLE" she shouted. I turned, looked at her and half-shouted "you got a big fuckin' booger on the end of your nose!"

You know...'Cause she SO did. Hey, the manager laughed. When I left, receipt in hand, she was still there, trying to open a new line of credit (at 5 in the morning) and yes, the booger hadn't budged.

Labels: holidays, I'm A Consumer Whore, lame stories

Indeed, we (and by 'we,' I totally mean 'I' as in the 'Royal We' because hey, always look out for numero uno) made it through the Christmas holiday with no occurrences of bankruptcy, homicide, pre-term labor, mass flatulence or any sort of visit by first responders of any kind. I shall perhaps reveal as many facts about our holiday as I feel comfortable with right about now...Or now...

Ok, how about now...

United Airlines Can Suck Large Donkey Nutsack...No, Really, They Can...
So we had a small handful of house guests during the last week and all of them flew in on United Airlines. My mother-in-law made it in fine (she was flying into Denver) but, as per usual, my sister-in-law and her husband Al got the shaft. The weather was cold/snowy/windy on Friday the 21st and, as such, flights were having trouble reaching Colorado Springs due to delays in other larger and presumably more important cities. Shannon and Al ended up sitting at DIA for a long stretch of time waiting for what turned out to be the only flight which landed at our airport all night. Al has a big problem with being cold and with the temperature an unseasonably chilly 10° with a wind chill of like...Negative a billion...Suffice to say he was less than pleased. Anyhow, we'll cover that more later since THIS blurb is about what a pack of dickheads United collectively is. Anyhow, the day that Shannon and Al flew OUT of town just happened to be Christmas day. When we got to the Springs Airport, they were informed that the flight that was to ferry them up to Denver was "delayed." Delayed to the point that, by the time it got to Denver, their original flight home to Las Vegas would have already departed. As such, we piled into the wife's VUE and I set to the task of driving Shannon and Al up to Denver in an attempt to catch the connector which had suddenly become NOT so much a connector but whatever. Anyhow, long story short, the weather was shitty and the other drivers were panicky retards (collectively) and it took us two hours to get there but, hey, Shannon and Al made it through security in time to board their plane...Which sat on the runway for FOUR FUCKING HOURS waiting to be de-iced. So yeah, as it turned out, United pretty much shut down all of their flights out of "smaller" airports (like Colorado Springs) and even cancelled several flights in major airports. The reason? It was Christmas and United decided to "give some of their people time off" at the expense of large numbers of their customers. So yeah, Fuck United. They are dead to me...

By the way, Shannon and Al DID eventually get home. At like...11:30pm...See, United had crammed all 5 of their flights onto one baggage carousel at McCarran in Veags. Anyhow, at this point it's just beating a dead horse. United licks balls.

So Yeah, Al Hates The Cold...
Welcome to Colorado Springs, home of 250 days of sunshine! Indeed, that's usually the case as it pertains to the weather in town here. We are, though, in an unseasonably cold weather cycle and, as I mentioned before, when Shannon and Al got to town, it was positively miserable - Bitter cold and snow with fierce winds. Lucky for Al, though, he had picked up quite the heavy hunting coat and gloves and things during a recent trip to see his dad in Arkansas. A handy ensemble, to be sure, since it rarely left his person the whole time he was here. In addition, Al continued to utter small phrases like "brrrr" and "I'm never coming back here." Wuss.

The Eagle Has Landed...IN MY BELLY!..
And by "eagle," I mean Turducken of course. Now, if it weren't all illegal and shit I'd definitely cook up and eat the proud avian symbol of our great nation because, hey, meat is meat. Lucky for me that wacky ol' Benjamin Franklin didn't get his way so many years ago since the "Tur" part of "Turducken" is obviously Turkey. And lord knows that his second and third choices would've been duck and chicken. Anyhow, the eagle is our national bird and turkey ducks and chickens regularly make their way into my belly. This time, though, the trio made it in at the same time. I have to say, the Turducken was a taste treat, one which I'll definitely consider ordering again the next time I need to feed several people with wonderfully cajun bird conglomerations...

What'd You Get Yourself For Christmas?..
A couple of days ago, I went down to one of our local Saturn dealerships not so much to pick up a new vehicle, but to take a look at the new vehicle which my dad had just purchased. Or leased. Either way, dad had turned in his old VUE for a new VUE and, while he was finishing up the paperwork, I took it for a test drive. Now, I had planned to get a vehicle other than the small truck that I've had for 8 years before Max is born since he can't really ride in the front seat until he's older but I didn't plan on doing such things this soon. Maybe sometime in late February, but certainly not this last weekend. Sometimes, though, you just have to be ready for plans to change...See, because of some fine incentives and, of course, the fact that I'm eligible the GM Supplier price due to some job-related factors, I went ahead and leased me a 2008 Saturn VUE with a V6 engine and All-Wheel-Drive. It's "Sea Mist Green" and has several nice features like OnStar free for a year and 90 days of XM radio service(which I'm slowly falling in love with, mostly due to the "decades" category). I kept my little truck as opposed to trading it in since having it around to haul things seemed like the thing to do. Hell, it's paid off...So why not, right? Oh, by the way, I sent off my application for a personalized license plate today. If all goes well, I'll soon be the owner of one Colorado license tag which reads "I. R. SLO." Yeah, I thought it was funny too...I'll take pictures of everything soon...

No Awesomecasts In The Last Couple of Weeks. Anyone Notice?..
Things just haven't worked out for Collin and I to get synced up enough to record anything, let alone a podcast episode, over the course of the last two weeks. Indeed, on the top of the factor list was the whole "hosting Christmas dinner and having houseguests" thing. I'm hoping to get a good group together soon so we can chatter like crazy squirrels about whatever comes to mind...You kids stay tuned...

Hey, Happy New Year!..
So yeah, at the time I'm typing this up, I'm 20 short minutes away from 2008 in the mountain time zone. No big party action this year for the wife and I...We hung out with my parents for a while, watched the Avalanche lose to the Goddamned Coyotes in a shootout and played some euchre. we recently got home and I sampled some of the Pappy Van Winkle's 15 year old family reserve whiskey which I picked up today and now, hey, I'm typing an entry. Yeah, terrifyingly exciting, that's me...Hopefully you kids out there had a safe New Year's Eve...Also, here's to a great 2008. As always, thanks for stopping by...You kids have a great day off...

Labels: Baby max, holidays, I eat food, indignities, lame stories

So hey, kids, how are you all anyway? Indeed, it's been a whole Goddamn long time since I posted anything of substance other than Awesomecasts on this stupid little blogsitething and, if you do a wee bit of research, you'll find that's just about how every one of my non-podcast posts have started for like...The last year. Or so. Yeah. I'm quite lame. No shock there. We've covered it. Let's move on.

Likely No Awesomecast This Week...
What with all manner of things to do leading up to the Christmas holiday, I'm just going to have to pass on recording a new episode this week. After all, as Collin said earlier today when we were talking about whether or not to record tonight, "it's your show," which is not entirely accurate but whatever. Anyway, I'm going to get around to making sense eventually, but for now, well. yeah. So no show this week, the towel is safe for another week at least and I can't verbally offend anyone by slighting their religion, sports team or other icon which they seem to hold dear. I'll get back to all that craps later on...

And Speaking of Christmas (Because We So Were)...
We're hosting Christmas this year at our house for the first time. We hosted Thanksgiving a couple of years ago and, if memory serves, it was a pretty packed house. We've got a lot of things to get done before people arrive (specifically, my mother-in-law is coming in from Florida and Shannon and Al are flying in from Las vegas) up to and including finishing decorations around the house, cleaning up various rooms and completing daunting tasks such as laundry which I've been inexplicably putting off for a week or two. I also have to go shopping specifically for the groceries to finish the holiday menu as well as for a handful of ancillary gifts. People are driving like complete retards around here and every store is packed to capacity (something that I'm sure is not exclusive to my part of the country) which is making these normally routine tasks seem arduous and draining. I can't even think of any way to make fun of it, it just plain sucks at times...

The Bird Is In The Air...
...and lands tomorrow. Or today, depending upon when you're reading this post. Anyhow, the bird (or birds, actually) I speak of just happens to be the legendary turducken, an unholy marriage of chicken, duck and turkey, smaller bird crammed into the cavity of the other and stuffed with wonderful creole-style stuffing. I learned of the magical turducken some years ago and vowed that someday I'd make one of the damn things appear at a holiday meal. This year, since I had already made mention of the triple threat to some key attendees, I checked into all of the available turducken avenues (up to and including deboning and assembling the birds myself) and finally settled on purchasing the thing from CajunGrocer.com, likely the place which knows more about them than anywhere else. As I mentioned earlier, the bird in it's protctive cryopack should arrive on Wednesday to the collective delight of myself and most of the people who will be joining us for Christmas Eve dinner. Collin mentioned to his giant son that we're having turducken and he proclaimed it to be an "atrocity." My response: more for me.

I'm Thinking About Cramming More Animals Inside Animals...
To supplement the turducken, I'm thinking about procuring a cornish game hen, quail and whole rabbit from a local meat market and constructing a RabUailEn. I'm salivating just thinking about it. Mmmmmm....

Ever Tried To Break In New Goalie Pads?..
Not likely, but it's possible. I recently purchased myself a new pair of Simmons 993 SuperFlex leg pads to replace my 8-year old pair of Boddam Air Elites. When I picked up the Elites, they were top-of-the-line butterfly-style pads. "A Goalie's Dream" the manufacturer said. I arbitrarily assigned them a 5-year life span when I first got them and, after several stitch and repair jobs and a handful of replaced straps, I was able to squeeze 8 good years out of them. My new pads came from the same manufacturer, but man, I never could've guessed how different they'd be. Many of the new features are great as far as safety go but they make skating quite a challenge, especially during the first few uses. Despite the awkwardness and goofiness, I've been able to eek out a couple of wins while wearing them, which has a shitload more to do with the fact that the team I play on is quite good than my playing well. I am getting more and more comfortable in the stinkin' things each time out which is important considering that I spent around $800 US on them and, at that price, I'm thinking that they'll likely be the last pair I buy...

And Finally, Have A Happy Holiday Season!..
Indeed, especially since I've been quite the poor blogger over this past year, I want to thank everybody who comes around on even a semi-regular basis. Granted, I'm getting a lot of search hits from God-knows-where looking for some of the strangest and stupidest things (hey, use enough words paired with enough curse words, people can find you by searching for just about any damn thing) and those are cool too, but it's the small handful of regular readers (you know who you are) that I appreciate. Indeed, I hope you have yourself a fine holiday, regardless of what you're celebrating this time of year. Here's hoping 2008 brings big fun and loads of "whatnot" to you all...

Labels: holidays, indignities, lame stories, misguided rantings

Behold! Lo, we have reached the day called "Friday" and it is good. What's also good is that, even though I was way too busy to even attempt this week's Illustration Friday topic, I still found time to present you crazy kids with (yet another) Phrickin' Photoblog. Of course, it's the middle of February and, as you'll soon see, I'm just getting around to sharing pictures of our Christmas Day festivities at my aunt and uncle's place with you...Er...Anyway, compulsive procrastination aside, here thar be PICTURES! ARRRR!
Just click the damn things, they'll get much bigger. It saves strain on your little eyes. Yes it does.


Here you can see the bounty of appetizery goodness which met us when we arrived. Well...Some of it, anyway...And no, them little pigs-in-a-blanket things are not cooked. They were eventually cooked, though, along with the potato mixture you can see my cousin's arm helping my dad's hand with. Additionally, the two items which resemble Pop-Tarts are peppermint bark, the Easter egg-looking things are almonds and the things in the larger tub were cheesecake lollipops, an overly ambitious endeavor which turned out to be pretty much an abject failure. The good news? I just found the remote.


Here's a scene from our upcoming feature film "Catzilla 8: Catzilla (passively, and when he's damn good and ready) Takes Jerusalem." Ok, you got me...It's just my aunt and uncle's cat hanging out in the nativity scene, hoping to score an audience with Baby Jesus. Of course, all of the waiting will be in vain for the poor cat since my mother completely obliterated Baby Jesus from this particular nativity scene a few years back...Apparently HER Baby Jesus was fused to his manger...My aunt and uncle's? Not so much. My mom? Just wanting to see if theirs was. Baby Jesus? One million pieces on the floor. It was a sad...HEY! IS THAT AN INDIAN IN THE NATIVITY SCENE?..


...Holy crap, it IS! What the...What in the Heck is a little indian doing in a nativity scene?


And...HEY! What the Hell!? That looks like Johnny Goddamn Appleseed! What kind of nativity is this, anyway?


Anyway, ceramic shenanigans aside, let's get back to the Christmassy, gifty openy portion of the day...Here I am proudly displaying the fine gift of booze which my aunt and uncle were thoughtful enough to bring me back from the mythical land of Mexico: IS DON RAMON TEQUILA! Just look at that fancy bottle!


Here's my uncle Ray proudly displaying his...HEY! is he MOCKING me!?


And here's a shot of my wife, modeling the fashionable earrings which she had just received. At least SHE'S not mocking me...At least, I THINK that she's not mocking me...Not right now, anyways...


Hey, kids! Does YOUR family have any Christmas traditions? (Look, if you're Jewish or Muslim or anything, just bear with me, ok?) My family doesn't have many, really...In fact, we barely have any at all. One proud tradition that we DO have, though, is that my aunt Mary Beth receives the ugliest possible shirt we can find. Without fail, every year, poor Mary Beth has to add yet another horrendous blouse to her closet just so we can have a little chuckle. She's a good sport about it all, though...In fact, if you click the image, you'll get a larger image of Mary Beth bravely modeling the shirt (which was picked up THIS year from the dollar bin at a Big Lots in Las Vegas).

So there's that, kids. As always, thanks for stopping by: you all have a fine weekend, now...

Labels: holidays, Phrickin' Photoblogs, religion

Hey, crap! It's Monday and I haven't posted any-damn-thing since this past Wednesday...What a slack-ass I've become, no illustrations, no Photoblogs...Wow, how bad do I suck, huh? As you can tell, though, I'm going to do my best to make up for my absence with what is commonly called a "post" in the world of blogsitethings. GIRD YOUR LOINS! Yonder lies posty doom!..

Every Company Needs A Holiday Party...
...and ours happened this past Friday...Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy working where I work and doing what I do but our holiday parties have fallen into a horrible rut in recent years...There was a time (a time when the company wasn't doing so well, truth be told) when we had our holiday party here at the agency in our big on-site studio and we had food and drinks and karaoke and you know what? It was a Hell of a time...This past party though, and the three parties prior to this past one, have been held at an older golf course here in town. No, smartass, we're not out on the 9th green getting soaked by sprinklers and dying of the hypothermia or anything, they have a particularly well-appointed clubhouse where we can get our "shwerve" on, but it's always the same crap...The same bartender tending the same portable bar with the same painfully limited mixers and the same dry-ass chicken saltimbocca and the same asparagus and the same prime rib (which, so I don't sound like a total whiner, was pretty tasty this time) and the same rice pilaf and the food always makes everyone ill a day or two later (several people are out sick today) and it's always the same cramped dance floor and it's...Well, it's lame. We did have a piano player for our entertainment pleasure this year. The guy plays regularly at piano bars in Denver and Boulder and while I didn't care so much for his overly rehearsed and canned brand of insult comedy (nothing new or original, mind you), he was a very talented musician. Still, his rockin' on the 88s couldn't salvage what the night was and that, my friends, was "typical." Typically boring, sad to say...

To Wii or not to Wii...That's a stupid question...
On Saturday, while the snow piled up outside, a number of us crazy kids recorded podcasts for future postings inside my humble abode. As a welcome addition to the recording session, Justin C. brought over his Nintendo Wii (which he and Collin's brother camped out for the night before it's initial release). Now, I've never done any drugs and I'm only slightly addicted to alcohol, so I really don't have any basis for comparison, but HOLY CRAP, the Wii is like Crack! Man, is it addictive...it's so damned interactive and fun and...And...Wow...Justin let us know that Target was going to have more in stock the next morning and so, like goofy little kids at Christmas, my wife and I got up early that next morning (yesterday morning, if you're keeping score) to go and gets ourselves the elusive Wii but...Well, suffice to say that enough other people got up even earlier that we were "shut out"...No Wii for me, at least not yet...Still, if you want ideas of what to get me for Christmas (and you know you do) I'll take one Wii with extra nunchuck controller and Wiimote, please...And some Wii games! and...and...

But if It Ain't One Thing, It's Another...
So due to the geekery (also: fortitude) of others, I didn't spend my day yesterday playing my non-existant new Wii with utter (non-existant) abandon. Nay, due to bad timing, I did spend my day buying a new garage door opener at Sears (and a stepladder from Home Depot) 'cause, as we were on our way out to try and fail at buying a Wii, the Garage door opener at Maison De Chevalier "crapped out." What I found out later (you know, the later that included being Wii-less) was that the opener system that has probably been in our garage for 10 or 15 years has what are commonly called "moving parts" inside it. Just so you all are aware, there's a "motor." That motor thing, when you press a button, drives a "gear" which turns a "screw-type apparatus" which turns a "large nylon gear" which rotates a "sprocket" at the "top" of the "unit" (what, too many quotes?) that, when everything is working properly, moves a bike chain-type thing that ultimately (you guessed it by now) opens and closes my damn garage door. Sadly, over time, that screw-thing shredded the nylon gear-thing which meant that it wouldn't turn the sprocket and the chain wouldn't move and...and...well...All of that forced me to put up another opener unit when it was somewhere around 8° outside. Despite such factors (and despite my very limited ability to be "handy") I was able to successfully complete the task before nightfall. Looking on the bright side, though, I now have a wonderful new stepladder and, since you can't buy the opener unit just by it's lonesome, I have a whole slew of replacement parts in case anything else related to the damn opener goes to shit...I have no Wii at this time, I feel the need to reiterate that fact, but I DO have a spare bike chain...And some rails...And some other stuff...So "yay me."

So there's that...As always, thanks for stopping by - you kids have a great Monday now...

Labels: geekery, holidays, indignities, lame stories, office supply aggression, stagnation

Holy Crap, it's been nearly a week since I saw fit to post anything on this wee little blogsitething of mine. Sure, I could blame the recent Thanksgiving holiday (and it's resultant "days off") for such lapses in activity, but that would be...Well...No, actually, that's a great idea...Screw off, Thanksgiving! It's all your fault! Anyhow, how was your holiday? Mine was fine, thanks for asking...

...But was it the "best Thanksgiving ever?..
So this past Thursday we loaded up the Family Truckster (LIES! We loaded up our Saturn VUE) with goodies (LIES! We brought mostly food and a long table) and drove over the river (also: through the woods which are LIES! We drove up powers and then took a left on Constitution) to get to Grandma's house (MORE LIES! We went to Collin's house) where we all enjoyed many and varied dishes prepared with love by Collin and my sister Heather (LIES! While they provided the gathering space, the food was prepared by...well...Others). I have to say though, without lying, that the meal was quite good, Collin and Heather's place was comfortable and spacious enough to accommodate the numerous guests and if the Goddamned Broncos could've beat them stupid Chiefs, the day would've been damn near perfect. Thanks, Collin and Heather and dad and mom and Collin's mom and everyone else who brought food and/or did stuff...Happy Thanksgiving!

You People Go Ahead And Camp Out, I'm Going To Get Some Sleep...
So, as per usual, I didn't throw my hat into the proverbial "strengthen the national economy" ring on "Black Friday." Nay, instead of risking life and limb to attempt and snag phenomenal loss-leader bargains on the day after Thanksgiving, I stayed in bed, strengthening nothing more than my resolve to...well, stay in bed...Friday was actually a pretty unremarkable day filled with much laziness, television watching and, later on in the day, the playing of cards over at my parents' place. You'll be happy to know (no, you WILL) that my mom and I beat my wife and my dad at Euchre 2 to 1. Yay me!..

As A Matter of Fact, I DO Want "Some Of That," Thank You...
I think I've mentioned before that the wife and I believe that we have pretty good neighbors. Granted, the couple to the one side of us are terrible drivers, but they've never been anything but helpful and kind. The same, sadly, cannot be said for some of the people whom they have over sometimes. Case in point, this past Saturday, the wife and I were watching television in our front room trying to build up enough initiative to go and clean out our garage when we heard some dogs barking. "They sound like they're right out front," the wife remarked as she headed to the window. "Ok, they are," she informed me once she peeked outside. After hearing that, I myself stood up to get a look, hoping that said dogs weren't actually running about on my lawn. Thankfully they were merely sitting in the bed of a fairly large truck which was parked out front of our house. I'd seen this truck before and always assumed that it belonged to some relative of our neighbors. While I was looking at the dogs, a young man (presumably the owner of the truck) came out of our neighbor's house along with some other individuals whom I don't remember seeing before Saturday. While the kid got into his truck, the others (a couple who appeared to be in their 50s) got into a Jeep Wrangler parked near the truck in front of our neighbor's house. I continued to observe just in case the dogs did something amazingly stupid and, to my surprise, the couple in the Jeep DROVE ONTO MY FRONT LAWN so that the guy driving it could talk with the kid in the truck. Upon seeing this, I came out of my house and told the guy (in not the nicest tone) to "get the fuck off of my lawn." He grudgingly complied while his wife appeared panicked, making me wonder if he's done this sort of thing before, say when I wasn't home or paying as close of attention...Anyhow, with a parting shot of "are you retarded?" towards the guy, I went back into my house. Once inside, I continued to observe the two vehicles and, after a minute or so, the guy in the Jeep made some sort of gesture toward me (I was apparently visible from behind my screen door). He then stepped out of his vehicle, smacked his chest with both palms and screamed at me from the street "YOU WANT SOME OF THIS!?" Shocked (and slightly amused), I stepped out onto my porch and told him to get back in his vehicle. He insisted that he said that he was sorry and that I was an asshole for continuing to stare at him like I were stupid (his words). I asked him how he could be so inconsiderate as to drive up onto someone's front lawn to which he replied...some nonsense, I can't remember exactly...I continued to inform him that the best scenario for him would be to get back into his vehicle and stop looking to get knocked around. Finally, after much bluster and people telling him to shut up, he squeaked a final "fuck you" at me and got back into his Jeep. The kid in the truck, not really wanting to have to back up whomever this guy was, told me softly "we don't want any trouble." I reassured him by saying "I know, you're ok, he's the one with the problem." Soon after, the whole lot (including our neighbors, who had been quite alarmed by their friend's sudden outburst) piled into the two vehicles and sped off...Neither of them have come over to talk about it to this point and I doubt they will...

Something tells me we won't be exchanging Christmas cards this year...

Labels: collin crap, holidays, lame stories, sports, stagnation, tales of triumph

Hey, kids! One more day until Thanksgiving (here in the good ol' U.S. of A., that is) which means that, on this week's episode, we'll be rambling on MOSTLY about thanksgivings past (and even present) Collin joins us via the telephone again and my wife stops by to recount her tales of horror regarding wisdom tooth surgery combined with the "best Thanksgiving ever." Clicky to listen:

Labels: audio, awesomecasts, collin crap, holidays, podcasts

It's Friday (Woohoo) and, sadly, I'm very much on the side of busy which means that all I have time to post is something quick (also: dirty). Indeed, no phrickin' photoblog today but how about the next best thing? No, seriously...It is...Anyway, I'm going to break my own rules and participate in Illustration Friday ON A FRIDAY! How 'bout that, huh? The newly announced topic is, shockingly, "Thanksgiving." In honor of such things, I present two (count 'em! TWO!) drawin's which I had lying around (presumably for Thanksgiving-themed sales events of yore, but one can never be too sure).
click them! They get big!





So there ye be. As always, thanks for stopping by...You kids have a fine weekend now.

Labels: cartoons n' stuff, holidays, Illustrations

So really, there's nothing like a weekend recap post that's so much a day late that it can include what I did on Monday...No, really. THERE'S NOTHING LIKE IT. of course, that's not to say that the "it" in question is any good. It's just mostly unique. Anyway, enough of my not making sense, let's get on wif' 'de bidness, shall we?

A PARTY!? I Never...Oh, wait...
So we got invited to ANOTHER Halloween party (suddenly, we's popular) by the CopyGodd which occured (I assume) this past Saturday. While I really appreciated the invite, sadly, we were not able to attend. The reason being was that my wife was playing in a women's hockey tournament with a team called the Pucking Witches and I, being the nice fella' that I am, was there to support her...Her team had to play 4 games in the span of about 27 hours so, needless to say, she was pretty well beat by Saturday night. Additionally, I have the dubious distinction of being the "official announcer" for this tournament's championship rounds so I was up early on Sunday to get things rockin' and rollin' at the rink (which, by the way, has HORRIBLE accoustics). I have to say, though, that this may be the last year which I find it feasible to associate myself with this particular tournament, but that's a story for another time...

Did I mention that I hate Phil Simms?..
So after I was done doing all of what I was doing at the Ice Hall, I came home with the intention of watching the Denver Broncos handle the Stinkin' Colts and send them home unceremoniously with a loss on their record. Sadly, partly due to a completely bullshit review and subsequent overturn by the officials, Indianapolis hung in the game and ended up winning on a last second field goal. Now, I can be pissed at Darrent Williams for not being able to cover shit, let alone Reggie Wayne. I can also be pissed at Peyton Manning for playing what my dad likes to call "pussy football" but really, my anger is mostly directed at whomever at CBS thinks that it's a good idea to put Phil Fucking Simms on Broncos broadcasts as a color analyst...Seriously, this guy is the least professional asshole ex-player of all the unprofessional ex-player asshole color analysts oout there. It's obvious that Simms hates Denver, so why the HELL is he allowed to be a part of the broadcast team that covers Broncos games? Fuck you, CBS and fuck you, Phil Simms. You! Go to Hell!..

Get On Board, Freaks...
So yesterday was the last Monday of the month and, of course, that means Freak Train happened last night at the Bug Theatre in Denver. Since it was so close to the Halloweens, I had planned to do a little song and dance act dressed in a sheet (officially called the Spooky Singing Ghost) and, I have to say, even though I was not alone in the idea of singing, it all went good. Big thanks to Pat Angello for being my "cape man," even though he left the cape on the stage and ran off, Pee Wee Herman style (video proof of this incident shall be posted here on Friday)...My wife and my parents even showed up to watch me get all stupid last night and it was really nice to have them in the audience. At Freak Train, though, there's what they call "the 13th Freak" which is just a randomly selected number person through the door who has to perform a skit with some direction in addition to the 12 performers who signed up. My wife had a premonition that she might be said 13th Freak and damned if that didn't come true...She was none too happy about having to do it but, I have to say, she did a good job. Sadly, I didn't have the video camera handy to capture her brief stint on stage for posterity but hey, she did it...Way to go, Squatchy!

Neil's dressed as a giant chicken...A giant chicken with succulent BREAST MEATS!..
So yeah, it's Halloween and there's a costume contest going to happen here at the agency in about 20 minutes. There's a good selection of pirates this year and one half zorro, half samurai and a couple of vampiresses and stuff but yeah: Neil is dressed as a chicken (and a pretty convincing chicken at that)...I myself will NOT be reprising my role as "vodeedoo" which won me "spookiest costume" at Jen's party a couple weeks ago (mostly 'cause I hate putting on the makeup) so I just brought in the sheet costume I wore last night at the Bug. I'm not counting on winning anything, but stranger things have happened...Regardless, there'll be food...Hell, I brought donuts ('cause I didn't have time to bake cookies). Anyhow, thanks for stopping by today, you all have a great Halloween now...

Labels: Freak Train, hockey stuff, holidays, I eat food, lame stories, sports, stagnation, tales of triumph

You've heard the rumors. You've caught wind of a legendary display of pictures which happens only once per week. You've been told stories of a magical land on the internets where you are treated to displays of photographic goodness SO RANDOM that you can barely maintain control over your faculties. You've also probably scoffed at said stories, not believing them for lack of "evidence." WELL SCOFF NO MORE, YOU DIRTY SKEPTICS! THE PHRICKIN' PHOTOBLOG IS BACK (and, oh by the way, it's bad).

In honor of the impending All Hallow's Eve Holiday, I'm going to show you crazy kids the photographic record of that party that I mentioned earlier in the week. You are no doubt salivating in anticipation by now, so I shall delay no longer. ON WITH THE PHOTOS!
click on 'em. No, really, go ahead. They like it when you click on them, they swell with excitement, even...


So here's my wife, posing prior to going to the party. She's trying to duplicate the pose of the model on the package that her costume came in. I think she should have looked a bit more "in distress" to pull it off, but in the end it was really no matter...Everyone thought she was Judy Jetson...


And here I am, the spooky voodedoo/undead magician guy/person in makeup and a cape being all menacing...In his kitchen. Yep, nothing spooky about being in the kitchen. However, the skull walking stick...not sure if you can see that, but that's pretty awesome...


And here is PROOF of exactly how menacing (also: spooky) I am. That, kids, is a MAJOR AWARD! That's the ribbon which was bestowed upon yours truly for being the spookiest person in costume at that party we went to. Neat, huh?


And speaking of the party (we were), here's the hostess of the party who's name (Jen) shall remain unsaid (no, really: it's Jen). Hostess girl (Jen) and her husband (Jen's husband) put on quite the party and had their house decorated up all spooky n' shit. Case in point, see the dead blue boy there on the wall behind the hostess (Jen)? It was cool.


And speaking of the hostess' (Jen's) husband (oh, we were), here he is (dressed as a pretty convincing Captain Jack Sparrow) um..."Feeling up" the dirty old man while Billy Graham turns a blind eye to such obvious displays of sin (also: latent homosexuality).


There's my wife on the left and my sister, dressed as an actual punkin, on the right. Not much else to say, really...Just two pumpkins plotting world domination and drinking cheap booze. Yep. Nothing much else to say...


So that's Jessica on the left and Jeannie on the right. Jessica is dressed as (surprise) a witch and Jeannie is "dirty laundry." It's not obvious from this picture, but Jeannie had a laundry basket around her midsection full of...stuff. Sadly, one of those things was NOT a stuffed lion, or these two could've been the lion, the witch and the wardrobe.


Here's our old buddy Collin with my sister. Like I said earlier in the week, Collin BARELY dressed for the occasion with a smarmy t-shirt. The glittery horns? Not part of a costume, they're just normally hidden by Collin's unruly mop of hair.


And finally, here we see the unlikely meeting between dead golfer Walter Hagan and (currently living) Korean dictator Kim Jong Il. Hagan seems quite amused by Kim Jong's glasses and surly disposition while the dictator really wasn't amused at all. by anything. I guess we're just lucky that he didn't "launch his missle" at the party, we'd all have been a little screwed...

So there you all are, a peek into the big Halloween party which I was actually invited to and actually attended last weekend. As always, thanks for stopping by...You all have a fine weekend now...

Labels: holidays, Phrickin' Photoblogs, spooky shit, tales of triumph

Welcome back. It's wonderful to be here on a Monday morning, quickly typing up an entry so that the half-assed cartoon I posted on Thursday won't be the last thing that's up on my sad little site. I know, I have been lax in my "duties" recently re: the whole updating of the blog but SOON people, soon you shall all witness more with the postings! Seriously, just keep comin' around. You three or four people know who you are...Anyhow...

A PARTY!? I NEVER Get Invited to PARTIES!..
So yeah, the wife and I were invited to a Halloween party which happened this past weekend. To be fair, we were invited to the same party last year, we just didn't go. Why? Oh, I dunno...Busy probably...Anyhow, yeah, one of the ladies who works at the agency throws quite the Halloween party every year and THIS YEAR, we attended. I have to say, it was an excellent party - the house was all decorated up, there was good food, much booze and some of the costumes were really well put together. Specifically, the lady's husband made quite the convincing Captain Jack Sparrow (up to and including the swaying and stuff. He had certainly practiced for his role). I actually won a prize for "scariest costume" which is pretty cool considering the fact that the real "scary" part of my whole costume was simply MY DAMN FACE. Indeed, I have the mystic ability to make such menacing expressions that people will turn away in horror at the mere sight of my soulless eyes and, it would seem, subsequently vote for me as "scary." Of course, people often turn away in horror even when I'm not trying to be menacing...or when I'm smiling...Or, now that I think of it, most any time at all...Hmmm...

Anyhow, a good time was had by all, even Collin, who barely dressed for the occasion. Oh, by the way, photos of the event WILL BE FEATURED this coming Friday...Count on it...

So Much For The Party Being A Surprise...
So as you may or may not know, I've been officiating football for the past few months. Certainly I've had my fair share of run-ins with fans and coaches during the past season but that's not what I'm going to be typing about right here...No, instead I'm going to relate a quick tale of how NOT to best utilize a mass email...See, this past weekend, I received a mass email regarding a surprise birthday party for one of the other officials in the organization. This person's wife, I assume, had emailed the information for said "surprise" party to "George," the official who is, I guess, in charge of our association. The wife had requested that "George" send the info along to the other officials in case they would want to participate since she didn't have all of the emails. "George" complied, sending the information out to everyone on the association email list...

Including the guy who the surprise party is going to be for...

So yeah...It's no longer a surprise...But what the heck, at least the guy's getting a party, right?..SURPRISE!

Coming Up Wednesday On The Ol' BlogSiteThing...
What with the All Hallow's Eve holiday coming up, we're taking a break from talking about nothing on the ol' awesomecast and are planning on busting out two (count 'em: TWO) Halloween tribute shows, with the first one available this coming Wednesday, wherein we (and you'll find out who all that encompasses come Hump Day) relate many of our family's tales of the supernatural. If'n you're goofy for ghost stories, the next two weeks of the Son of Cheese Half Hour Power Hour should make you quite happy...I know I'm excited...I hope you all feel the same...

So that's about all I have for now...You kids have a great Monday and thanks for stopping by...

Labels: holidays, lame stories, sports, stagnation, tales of triumph

So instead of taking my customary lunchtime walk today (my right knee is fucking sprained anyhow), I went "shopping" (if you can call it that) at a couple of thrift stores not far from where I work. Now, I'm not a total germophobe, nor am I obsessive-compulsive (too much) about cleanliness but stepping inside the Salvation Army store or my local Goodwill with the intention of actually buying something is really not my favorite activity. "Oh, but you should always support those less fortunate than yourself" you may cry. Of course, if you did cry that, you'd really be wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. H. Wrongy Wrongenstein, you dirty hippy and here's why: if nothing else, the overwhelming aroma of these thrift shops simply screams "musty death n' shit" while the merchandise and clientele of these places both exhibit a level of "used up" which I find to be more than just a bit disturbing. Nevertheless, today I was on the hunt for a plain white sheet which I can subsequently turn into a "ghost" costume for my planned day-before-Halloween Freak Train performace so I mustered up all of my available courage (I lent some out last week and haven't got it back yet) and drove down to West Colorado Avenue which has a Salvation Army store and a motherfuckin' Goodwill within one block of each other.

I started out my substandard shopping today at the Salvation Army store (mostly because it comes up first when you're driving in from East to West) and, as is typical, I didn't find what I needed at this particular musty shithole. I was, though, unpleasantly surprised at the seemingly insanely high prices which the Salvation Army store had tagged it's "merchandise" with. I was so surprised in fact that, upon seeing the price tag on a beat-to-shit octagonal wooden poker table in the back of the store, I had to do a double-take. I looked around to make sure that I was still standing in a shitty thrift store (the smell immediately confirmed it) as opposed to an antiques boutique. Them crazy assholes wanted $225 american dollars for this table which looked as if it had spent the last few years of it's existence out in someone's shed being leaked on and chewed up by squirrels. Just to confirm the fact that this item was NOT, in fact, a "good deal," I checked when I got back to work and confirmed that you can, in fact, purchase a BRAND NEW oak poker table from the FIRST SITE I CHECKED for a mere $194.99. Granted, shipping would kill you if you purchased the item online, but c'mon: A few bills for a brand new oak poker table (including shipping) or ACTUAL FOLDING MONIES in the amount of TWO HUNDRED TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS (US) for a (really) used one which I would swear had been scratched up and shit on by monkeys. I wonder if the Salvation Army store ever actually sells anything.

If they do, they probably laugh their ass off once the vict...er...BUYER leaves the store...Remember, they could sell everything in the store for 5 bucks and they'd STILL make $5.00 pure profit on every sale, yet they mark everything in the store with an unrealistically high price. I guess they figure one big sale is the score that will set them up for life...

So anyway, yeah...The Salvation Army store, for all of the overpriced and stinky shit they had on hand and were attempting to peddle, was lacking a single white sheet so, ever the intrepid shopper, I moved up the street to the Goodwill (which smelled so much like the Salvation Army, I had to take yet another double take). Once I made my way back to the "linens" section (and successfully fought off a lesbian couple shopping for a comforter), I finally found what I had been looking for: a single white sheet that didn't have any weird stains on it or anything. Hell, I was so happy when I found it, I started singing to myself "what kind of ghost will I be, wearing the sheets of the dead?" So yeah, 2 whole bucks later, I'm now the proud owner of a white (well, mostly white) bedsheet that's God-knows-how-old and is now destined (following a thorough laundering, of course) to be the base for my ghostly Halloween costume come the end of the month...You will want to see the sheet in action...Oh, yes...You will want to see it...

As a postscript, as I was leaving the Goodwill, there was one of them homeless types outside who, as soon as I exited, started talking to me...These people always want something and Initially I thought that ol' toofless was asking me for a ride somewhere (a request which I would've refused vehemently) but, after asking the guy to repeat himself, it became clear that he was looking for a light. How clear was it, you ask? Well, he asked me for "fire" and was waving a freshly rolled joint around in his left hand at the same time...Telling the truth (for once), I politely informed this gentleman that I do not carry "fire" with me (I really don't) and departed, smelly sheet in hand...

Lucky for his dumb ass I ain't no cop or nothin'...

Labels: holidays, indignities, lame stories, spooky shit

And it IS Tuesday, September 19, 2006 which, if'n you're inclined to pay attention to such things, is international Talk Like A Pirate Day. Not being one to let such things pass sans fanfare, I am prepared to offer to you crazy kids two (count 'em - TWO) examples of your humble bloghost (that would be me) talking like a pirate under legitimate circumstances. The first is a bit cut from my short-lived stint as a DJ at a classic rock station here in town. This was from January of 2003, the day that the Oakland Raiders were set to take on the eventual Super Bowl Champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers - An all-pirate superbowl! It's not radio gold by any stretch of the imagination but I do get to have a conversation with myself on the air. Go ahead and take a listen:


Additionally, as if that weren't good enough, here I have an example of a commercial that I ACTUALLY GOT PAID TO DO for an ACTUAL car dealer...The sales event was called the "Pirates of the Car-I'd-Be-In." Sadly, on the day that the spot had to be cut, I had a bit of a sinus infection so I wasn't in full piratey glory but...it's passable. I like the parrot at the end, personally. Regardless, here that is:


So there you go...Don't forget to talk like a scurvy pirate for the rest of today! YARR!

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, holidays, radio stories, sports

So anyway...Yesterday, being "big awesomecast Wednesday," can only mean that today is "Big Illustration Thursday." Since I didn't participate last Thursday due to "the lack of time," I figured that I should AT LEAST make a half-assed effort to put up SOMETHING today. The word this week was "farm" and so, in honor of such things, I now present to you a crude sketch of a proud farmer and his prize winning cow. At the county fair. Right here.
click for extra big bovinity

So there's that. You all enjoy your Thursday now and don't forget that tomorrow marks Mexican Independence Day. So...Um...Way to go, mexicans!..

Labels: cartoons n' stuff, holidays, Illustrations

Oh man...Is it Thursday Already? Wow. Damn. I totally didn't have the time this week to even bang out a quick, crappy sketch for Illustration Friday (big time theme word "clean"). Not one to be totally left out, though, I was able to pull a couple (that's right, kids, you get a rare "two-fer" from me today) of "old" things which fit the theme and that I am prepared to share. We'll start with a little image that depicts the aftermath, if you will, of a special Halloween header I whipped up a couple of years ago. Hell, there was "blood" everywhere and this (very special) header thing (which was likely viewable only on All Saints Day) depicts the "cleanup" from that...
click to see it bigger

And, secondly (that IS a word, by the way) we have a page full of "janitors" which I had drawn for a "clean sweep" or "Spring cleaning" campaign (I can't really remember which). Here you can see that, out of the 5 sweeper fellas which I saw fit to sketch out, only one "made the cut" and got all "finished" and was subsequently used in whatever ad I was doing at the time...
again, click it, it grows.

So there you have it...As always, thanks for stopping by, you all have fine Thursdays (collectively)...

Labels: cartoons n' stuff, holidays, Illustrations