Terry lost his battle with cancer in early March, 2010. At Freak Train, I take the opportunity to eulogize my friend and then do the bullet catch trick that he helped design one last time. Not shown in the video, at the end of the night, the host called for a moment of silence...and the theatre stayed reverently quiet for almost a minute. Terry touched many lives and will be missed by more people than he would've ever imagined.

Labels: Freak Train, sad stories

Ok, yeah. I know that Wednesday is supposed to be reserved for the podcastings. Look, it's almost midnight, alright? I JUST got the videos from last night's Freak Train chopped up and uploaded. I am NOT staying up to edit down the podcast. I'll get it done later. No rush. Nobody's going to go into shock that I didn't get something done. Anyway, here's a look at what I did last night. 3 jokes, people. That's what I had. 3. I guess that's all I needed...



And, as a point of reference, Justin:



So there you are. You kids have a fine Wednesday now. Also: Find me a job. That is all.

Labels: Bad Stand-Up Comedy, Freak Train, lame stories, spoof commercials

Ask any parent worth a damn and I would wager that they would agree with me: one of the best parts about having a little baby rolling around the house is the sound of gleeful, infantile laughter. The wife and I are quite fortunate that Max is a happy baby and, as such, he doesn't skimp on the giggles when something tickles his fancy. We've had occasion to roll film, as it were, on a few of his "episodes" and, since I'm in a posty mood, am prepared to share a short clip with you kids...Being that we're so close to Halloween, our home is playing host to a handful of spirits which trickle in as they rise from the grave. Not the least of this spectral briagde is the ghost of Dumbo, a long dead Disney character. Max and ghost Dumbo enjoy the roughhousing, as you'll see when you press play on that embedded video right there:

You (the viewer) are instructed to pay no attention to the fat humanesque arm that appears to be attached to ghost Dumbo's back...These phantom classic cartoon characters are quite adept at possessing humans and willing them to do their bidding, up to and including placing bets at the dogtrack, running to the 7-11 for smokes and beer and, you guessed it, attacking little 7-month-old babies.

I Hear That Train A-Comin'...
So since Max crawled out of my wife to join us in the material world (late February, for those who like keeping track of such things), I've not been up to Denver to enjoy the fun and insanity of Freak Train. I do miss it more than a little bit, but just haven't found it feasible to go, what with all the other things going on...I do, though, plan to go up for this month's show on the 27th since the past two October Trains have seen the Spooky Singing Ghost return from the grave and a tradition like that, well, far be it from me to break it. Last year, I was fortunate enough to have had the assistance of guitar virtuoso "Scary" Terry Gonzalez. In an earlier entry, I mentioned that Terry was diagnosed with lung cancer in May. To update things, Terry's through Chemo and is thankfully doing better. despite the progress, I can't imagine asking him to accompany me to do a goofy little stage show which is so trivial by comparison to the challenges he's facing. As such, I've not decided exactly whether I'll be the spooky singing ghost (replete with specially mixed backing track) or the spooky standup ghost this year...Methinks, though, that a comedian the caliber of the Spooky Standup Ghost needs a seltzer bottle and an armoload of cream pies. Or jokes. Anyone itching to write jokes?

Anyhow...

I do have Freak Train-related Good news, though...Fresh off of his inaugural gig as a kids' birthday party magician, our old buddy Justin plans to make the trek up to Denver with me...Perhaps he'll bust out some big-time stage magic for us...I'll have my video camera at the ready just in case...

So How Many of You Fuckers Are on Facebook?..
Unlike MySpace , which I arbitrarily capped at 54 friends as an homage to the most perfect number in all the land, I'm not limiting Facebook acquaintances. See, I call them "acquaintances" because "friend" sounds so presumptive. After all, the majority don't write, they don't call...Anyways, this whole spiel means that, if you're reading this AND you have a Facebook account AND we're not ALREADY friends on Facebook, you should add me. Like I tell people on LInkedIn: My friends network has pie. Who doesn't love pie? You love pie. Hell, you love it carnally when nobody's watching. Admit it: you're a clandestine pie humper.

Wait, where was I?

Oh yeah, Facebook. Add me.

So that's enough for now. As always, thanks for stopping by. You kids have a great Tuesday now...

Labels: Baby max, Freak Train, lame stories, vaunted videoblogs

Hey, look! It's Friday! Seriously, I'm pretty sure I could say anything in the lead-in to today's display of Freak Train video goodness because let's face it - nobody's going to expect anything to be here...Oh well, it looks like I'll be wasting that golden opportunity and just saying "hey, look! Videos from his month's Freak Train!"

Starting off with Justin, it's the 3rd in his "Mario Monologue" series...


And then it's on to me and some standup which I didn't particularly write or rehearse and yeah, you get out of it what you put into it...


So there you are, kids. As always, thanks for stopping by - you kids have a fine weekend now...

Labels: Bad Stand-Up Comedy, Freak Train, vaunted videoblogs

Oh, yeah, look at that, it's Friday. That WOULD mean, if I had my collective "shit" together, that I would be posting some manner of visual item for your eyes to enjoy (alternately: gaze upon). Lucky me, though, due to the fact that I stayed up last night after playing a late hockey game, I have such treats for your weary corneas in the form of the videos we shot at the most recent Freak Train this past Monday. We'll start with Justin and his second Mario Monologue, for which he has a new theme song courtesy of GameJew...Heck, why don't you just watch it, that way I can stop typing...And stuff...



Next up we have...well...me. I was going to do some standup comedy and had intended to write some but, due to the whole "being busy" thing, I never really got around to that so here I am, just kind of rolling off the top of my head, with "jokes" that either never made the cut before or that I never got around to using. As a quick side note, Jesus Christ, I'm fat...



So there you go. As always, thanks for stopping by. You kids have a fine Weekend now...

Labels: Bad Stand-Up Comedy, Freak Train, vaunted videoblogs

Hi kids. How are you all anyway? I'm doing fine myself, although I feel as if I've been severely neglecting by wee blogsitething here over the course of the last couple of months. Truth is that I've been quite busy with some things and, since the ability to post entries from work has been taken away from both Collin and I, I find myself often forgetting/being way too lazy/being way too ready to go to bed most of the time to get anything posted from home. It's not that I haven't written (or started and never finished writing) posts which could fill precious space here in between photoblog phriday and Awesomecast Wednesday (and whatnot). No no, I have done some (near) writings...I just haven't had the gumption (as some of my older relatives may say) to get my shit together (as likely none of my older relatives would say) and give you people some reason to continue coming around. Hopefully I can find some time to do such things (like, you know, right now) and get my fat ass back on track...

So Yeah, There's "News" to Share...
Some weeks back, during one of the podcast episodes, I succumbed to pressure from Collin to reveal some "big news." I then remembered that our friend Kathy regularly listens to said podcast (thanks, Kath!) and, since the wife and I were going to wait to give her and her husband the "big news" until we were out in their neck of the woods during our vacation at the beginning of last month, I scrambled (ok, not "scrambled" so much as "turned backwards") the "news" so she would be all in suspense and such. Of course, our buddy Justin Carmical unreversed what I had said (using, of course, the same inexpensively free software that I use to edit my 'casts) and was quite congratulatory. Others knew as well although I still have yet to tell too many people at work. This news which I speak of is that my wife is pregnant with our first (and likely only) child. I say "likely only" because the trouble and worry that we've gone through in the last few weeks has really worn on me. I won't go into too much detail other than to say that perhaps there are too many tests and such available to us in this day and age, giving doctors way too many reasons to (needlessly) worry us to death. Anyhow, due date is sometime in March. I'm accepting submissions for names starting now...

And Speaking of Submissions...
Collin and I have been participating in the "Shirt Derby" at shirt.woot on a semi-regular basis since it started up some weeks ago. See, it's a design competition based around a weekly theme where the voters are anyone who has purchased a woot (regular woot.com, wine.woot or shirt.woot) ever and the winning design (actually the top 3 designs now) get printed and sold and the winning designer(s) receive(s) $200 for their efforts. Kind of like Illustration Friday with prizes. Anyhow, to this point, Collin has been able to work a zombie theme into his derby submissions with relative success and I've just been throwing up whatever spews from my fetid headmeats, drawing on not only my questionable sense of humor but my years of t-shirt design and production experience. Sadly, though (and I know I'm going to sound like a whiny little bitch here) the unwashed voting masses of shirt.woot seem to be fucking retard 1337 geeks a little hard to figure out as they vote for often the most retarded and poorly executed dogshit things in an unpredictable manner. Collin has done better than I have overall (even though my lone design beat his designs' collective ASS last week) but neither of us will ever likely win. This is ok to a point but when he and I are submitting the best design executions each week (no, seriously, we are), it gets a little frustrating to get outvoted by some hunk of shit pixelated crap design that won't even print right. Either way, I'm thinking that this week will likely be my last week giving any of my time over to the shirt derby. My concepts were strong for the theme (fictional sports teams) and my execution was fine. Despite that, I'm receiving next to no votes. Time to pack it in. I'm done giving Woot the rights to something I produce entirely from start to finish for 60 days, I'm just gonna take my things straight to Cafe Press (where they can languish in anonymity as well, but at least they'd belong to only me).

And Yeah, The Officiating. It's Football Season Again...
High school and middle school football is upon us once again all across this great nation of ours. This is my second year officiating football at this level and, unlike last season (my first), I feel as if I'm completely unprepared. Yes, this feeling has a lot to do with the somesuch whatnot which has been keeping me from posting on this here blog recently and, to add to all of that, my new crew chief (a highly respected official who also just happens to be head of the state association of football officials) wants be to learn the position of back judge. That, my friends, is not a problem. Back judge may be the least stressful officiating position on the football field from a mental standpoint. From a physical standpoint, though, it will prove to be quite a challenge. I'm sure I've mentioned this before but what the heck, I'll go over it again. I am 5'9" tall. I weigh in the neighborhood of 255 pounds. I could compare my physical stature to that of a brick on end or a fire hydrant. I do not enjoy running in the slightest. Since tearing my MCL joint in my left knee during a hockey game in September, 2005, I've had problems with both knees. Additionally, my achilles tendons are perhaps in questionable shape. Why do I say all of this? Well, it's simple. The back judge has to RUN. Yesterday afternoon was my first varsity game at back judge and Dear Sweet Lord, I had to run. Granted, I was beating the ball carrier to the goal line on most plays and I'm not going to ever give up (which is probably why I have so many joint problems) but it was a challenge. The midday heat caused several players to cramp up and drop during the second half, a period of time which also saw both of my calves cramp up during a long run up the right side. I still kept up and grabbed the dead ball spot but DAMMIT. I can only hope the games I back judge from here on out are in the cool of the evening. I'm still having trouble walking this morning...

But Speaking of "Walking"...
My buddy Ray and I have been playing the golf quite regularly this summer. Some weeks back, we "graduated" from playing par 3 or executive length courses to playing full size regulation courses. This may not sound like much to you but if anyone were to tell me, even a year ago, that this would be the case, I would have laughed them off. Golf, though, is like a mind virus. When it gets hold of you, it gets you good. My dad was a PGA class "A" professional golfer when I was growing up. I, on the other hand, was the worst golfer you would have ever cared to see. He even deemed me "unteachable" at one point and, I have to say, that was probably a fair assessment. Now that I'm knee deep into loving golf, it's nice to have his advice at my disposal. I'm improving every week and, when I hit a snag, I can always ask him what the problem is and he'll have advice to share. The only thing that will be better is when he gets back on his feet and can come out and play a round with us. I can't wait for that.

Get On Board, Freaks!..
So this past Monday was Freak Train at the Bug Theater in Denver. Justin and I went up with the intention of performing and Collin tagged along to watch said performing. Pat Angello was there too (even though it took a little persuasion). Being August, it was the anniversary show (8th, I think) with special video presentations and such. Additionally, people were picked from a hat to be guest co-hosts througout the night. I was lucky enough to be one of them, although I ended up introducing Justin and then Pat and then having to run back stage to prepare for my slot. I did more card magic this time and, even though I got through both tricks (and they worked, of course, because I'm a spooky magical motherfucker), I'm never going to do magic at Freak Train again. 5 minutes is just not enough time. Hell, with patter and stuff, I could spend a whole half hour on one or two tricks. I hate rushing things, even if the trick works. I just don't like it. Of course, the vibe at the Bug that night was kind of in the toilet. I hate to say it, but this past Monday was the worst Freak Train I've ever been to. The crowd was sparse and hard to entertain. I tell you what, I'm glad it wasn't like that the first time I went or I likely never would have gone back...Anyhow, that's done. Time to think about next month...

So that's probably enough babblin' for right now. As always, thanks for stopping by...You kids have yourself a fine Labor Day Weekend now...

Labels: Freak Train, lame stories, misguided rantings

So hey, yeah. Um. Sure. I really should put some words together and make one of them "posts" for you kids to come and read n' stuff. Yes, yes, I know that I promised to recap our recent Las Vegas trip but...Well...That was a whole month ago that we took that trip and, I'm sorry, but the details are getting a just a wee bit cloudy in my procrastination-hindered brain, so...Well...OK, fine:

5 Days and 5 Nights in Las Vegas Nevada in As Few Words As Possible...
Monday we ate lunch at the Burger Bar located in Mandalay Place, between Mandalay Bay and the Luxor. Mmm, mmm! I had me a rare American Kobe beef burger on ciabatta topped with bleu cheese and pan seared foie gras. My parents absolutely loved the place (it was their first time there). We had a waitress on her first day (I had to point out foie gras on the menu) and who was obviously foreign. We all guessed Scandinavia, turned out to be that she was from Brazil. Anyhow, from lunch at the Burger Bar, we went to a wonderful early dinner at Diego inside the MGM Grand. My dad, who had been bugging me since we got to Vegas to "use the valet parking" finally got his way at the MGM. At Diego, we met up with Bison Andy's wife Andrea. We all had a wonderful meal, I enjoyed tacos al carbon, dad had the seafood pot, mom had...some food, I'm sure of it and...well, trust me, food was enjoyed by all. The next stop from the MGM was the Rio to see Penn and Teller and, I have to say, seeing them from front row center made the tricks look even BETTER...Teller even did the needle trick, during which he tossed me his partially eaten apple. A nice souvenir? No, it was sticky, I left it in the cupholder of my chair. Following the show, Teller was nice enough to take a picture with my mom and answer questions about his overly awesome shoes. Penn laughed heartily at my "Hardcore Straight Christian/Penn will tolerate me" t-shirt and posed for (yet another) picture with me. Tuesday saw us enjoying the magic and comedy of Mac King in the early afternoon and splitting up later that evening so the ladies could take in Mamma Mia at Mandalay Bay while us guys saw the Amazing Johnathan perform at the Sahara. Mom, I'm told, had a great time and thoroughly enjoyed their show while my dad and Big Al, my brother-in-law, never seemed to stop laughing at A.J. On to Wednesday, now, July 4th, Independence Day here in the states. Not feeling in top shape, I slept most of the day away on Shannon and Aldie's couch while the others played games and enjoyed barbecue. Refreshed, though, from my likely-dehydrated passing out, I joined my dad for the 11:00pm poker tournament back at our hotel (Sam's Town, in case you missed that back when I said it in my FIRST Vegas recap post). I didn't fare as well as dad did, considering the fact that he was the chip leader for some time. After I busted out, I found my new favorite Las Vegas activity: playing in a poker cash game. Yes sir, I'll be doing more of that as soon as I have an opportunity to, taking real monies from people...Whoo, now THAT'S fun...Anyhow, having got the "feeling sick" and "needing to sleep" mostly out of my system the day prior, I was ready to rock on Thursday, a day where we enjoyed breakfast at the Hash House A-Go-Go (the parents loved their food, as did we all...Again, it was their first visit to this legendary restaurant). Later that evening, we went to Austin's Steakhouse in the Texas Station Casino to celebrate Shannon and Aldie's first wedding anniversary. Even though I didn't enjoy my meal so much, everyone else at the table enjoyed the fare at Austin's immensely. After the steakhousing, it was back to the poker room for more cash game shenanigans. Indeed, on Friday morning, we all loaded into the family truckster and headed home, the bright lights of Sin City a rapidly fading rear-view mirror memory. While our wallets were significantly lighter...um...our...oh, who am I kidding? We all lost monies...That's really what it's about there, though...So there you go, kids, my long-promised recap of our recent Vegas trip. Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed typing it. No, really...

As if THAT Weren't Enough, I Gots A Softball Story...
So, the coed softball team that the wife and I play on called the B52s has literally been tearing up the league which we're now playing in. Granted, we've enjoyed success in the past, consistently placing in the top three of nearly every league we've participated in, but that elusive "first place" plaque has always eluded us (as elusive things are, duh, wont to do). Starting with this past spring season, the team began playing in the silver coed league at Cottonwood Creek Park instead of the (significantly closer to OUR house) Skyview Sports Complex. Granted, both leagues are under the same, city-run Parks n' rec umbrella, but the other teams were WAY nicer up at the new place as compared to the old place. We did pretty well in Spring ball, even though we finished 2nd. So far though, in the summer league, we're on a roll. Heck, going into last Friday's game, we were undefeated, having already beaten the only other undefeated team in the league in relatively convincing fashion. The only thing left standing between us and that damn championship was a team called "Mountain Perks" who had amassed an impressive 7-1 record, their only loss coming at the hands of (surprise) the previously undefeated team that, as you already know, we beat. Anyhow, as Friday's game got underway, it was clear that the Perks would be no pushovers. Their defense was solid and they had some very good hitters on the team. In their half of the third inning, their center fielder earned a base hit and, in getting held to a single, made kind of a "come on, bring it" gesture at our short stop when he didn't try and "pick him off." I thought to myself when I saw him to this "God, I hope this guy isn't going to be a prick the whole night."

Sadly, it seemed that he was...

Later in the inning, this same guy was trucking toward 3rd base, my new position, as OUR center fielder relayed the ball into me in hopes that I could tag THEIR center fielder out. As I received the ball, the fuckin' guy GRABS me as if to prevent me from placing a tag on him. As I was a little off-balance at the time, I took exception to the contact and tried to separate from the guy. As I did, he yanked on my jersey, as if trying to throw me to the ground. being the low center of gravity (read: fat) guy that I am, I reacted to his attempt in the only manner which seemed appropriate at the time: I grabbed HIS jersey, pulled him nose to nose with me and informed him that, if he didn't let go of me, I planned to snap his neck.

THAT opened the flood gates, let me tell you...
Once I let him know that I wasn't impressed with his little act, the fucker started cussing at me like nobody's business. He told me to "fuck off," he informed me in a less-than-polite manner that my team was "going down" and that I am a "bitch." After he was done, I told him to play things a little safer and to grow up, a suggestion that was met with two more "fuck yous" and another under-his-breath "bitch," considering the fact that both umpires were now keenly curious as to what was transpiring. Long story short, this guy got our whole team fired up and, in true B52 fashion, we targeted him in the outfield in the inning which followed, burning him for a number of runs. Once we built our lead, we didn't really look back, beating the Perks 15 to 6. Of course, the prick did find himself on third in the final inning...Thinking he would be able to outrun Andy's arm at short, he took off during a play and got gunned down at the plate, despite his trying to run down Elizabeth, our catcher. I've never seen one guy look so pathetically sick to his stomach following that final play, having been bested NOT ONLY by the team which he proclaimed was "going down," but by the girl that he figured he could bowl over...It's no wonder he wouldn't look at any of us in the handshake line...

A Wee Bit On Freak Train and Then I'm Goin' To Bed...
Yes, kids, I'm fashioning this post which you've been reading after having driven home from this month's Freak Train at the Bug Theater in Denver. I did a little card magic in lieu of standup and, I have to say, it went over very well...I had a ton of fun doing it, even though I didn't get to the finish of my second trick. The real story of Freak Train, though, is Justin...Yes, Justin Carmical, he of the fever dream routine from so many months ago who's been promising to go to Freak Train since the beginning of the year...He FINALLY WENT! Oh dear lord, his routine was spot-on for the demographics of the room, too, he did so well, I was prouder than a very proud thing of how well he did. Much fun was had by all and videos (including a sad tale of what the act before me did to make my following her impossible) will be posted this coming Friday for all to see.

So that's that, a long-winded conglomerate post for your Tuesday readin' pleasures. As always, thanks for stopping by...You kids have a fine day (and whatnot).

Labels: Bad Stand-Up Comedy, Card Tricks, Freak Train, get outta town, I eat food, sports

I know it sounds crazy, but I'm going to say it anyway...IT IS TOTALLY TUESDAY! No, it is! Hey, you can deny it all you want, but you'll simply appear as a FOOL fighting against the steady march of the calendar. Seriously, though, if you DO wish to try your hand at being a "Tuesday denier," try doing it like...Tomorrow. It'll really work well then...Anyhow, I'm not typing this entry up simply to fill space with utter nonsense (though it is mighty tempting). No, I'm typing this entry up so that the (big) Friday Four-Fer won't be the only thing up top here until Wednesday. As such, I should probably get on wif' 'de business...

It Was Bound To Happen Eventually...
Last night was the last Monday of April and, as such, was the night for Freak Train to happen at the Bug Theater in Denver. As per usual, I planned to get up there to perform. Ol' Justin, after months of promises, was also finally prepared to perform so I picked him up at his place of employment on the way out of town. There was, of course, a wee snag in the way of the signup sheet (which you would be well aware of had you listened to our awesomecast episode where we interviewed the host of Freak Train) in that Freak Train was devoting 7 of the 12 performance slots to the 365 project. Due to this, I was pretty sure that the remaining 5 slots would go pretty fast and that we should do our best to get to the theater early and get in line. Long story short, various factors conspired to make us a little bit late. The lateness cost us spots in line which, of course, cost us a chance to perform...That's right, kids, Justin's big stage debut of the skit(s) which he thought up in a fever dream will have to wait at least another month because Freak Train was full by the time we showed up. As the headline says up there, it was bound to happen eventually. Heck, we know what we're getting into, driving up from the Springs with no guarantees so I wasn't crushed by not getting to sign up. My only regret is that poor Justin didn't get to do his thing, considering how long it's been waiting to see the light of day.

The evening wasn't a total loss, however, as we took the opportunity of being not only hungry but also in Denver and enjoyed dinner at the Las Delicias on Kentucky Avenue. For those of you not in the know, Las Delicias is my personal favorite Mexican restaurant with 5 locations in the Denver metro area. I've enjoyed the food there ever since I was a destitute student at the Denver Institute of Technology in 1992. I am sad to report, though, while the food was just as good as ever, the service really does suffer at the Kentucky Avenue location. It took us way too long in my opinion for our order to be taken and our mostly absent server really didn't seem to care whether we were happy with our meal or not. Heck, I was never even offered a refill of my drink...BAD WAITRESS! BAD!

So that's really all that I can think of to post right now. As always, thanks for stopping by. You kids have a fine Tuesday now.

Labels: Freak Train, get outta town, I eat food, indignities

Hey, kids! It's Wednesday! This random fact means, of course, that I'm about to provide you kids with another episode of the (big) Son of Cheese Half Hour Power Hour! In this week's episode, Collin and I are joined by Justin Carmical and are fortunate enough to be able to interview (via the magics of the telephone) the host of Freak Train, GerRee Hinshaw. GerRee fills us in on some of the history behind Freak Train and also talks about the Train's participation in the 365 Days/365 Plays project...You knkow you wish to listen, so clicky! Clicky here and do just that!..

Labels: audio, awesomecasts, Freak Train, podcasts

Hey, kids! I'm up in Estes Park right now enjoying a deluxe hot tub suite right on the Fall river (you know, just for the Hell of it) and figured that I'd better get this thing posted while the extremely tempermental wireless eeenternet here at the condo/hotel is cooperating. This, of course, is the video of my most recent Freak Train performance from this past Monday. I may not be funny, but I have pyrotechnics, dammit...Enjoy:

As always, thanks for stopping by...You kids have a fine weekend now.

Labels: Bad Stand-Up Comedy, Freak Train, vaunted videoblogs

So hey, even though I'm "on vacation" this week, I'm still displaying quite the dedication to posting goony little podcasts for the handful of you who may listen to such things. This week, the theme du jour continues to be Collin and his inaugural Freak Train performance. Hear all the sordid details of how insanely afraid he was to get up on stage when you click to listen:

Labels: audio, awesomecasts, Freak Train, podcasts

Hey, holy crap, it's Tuesday already...it's amazing how time can get away from you when you have no structure to your day...Indeed, I have this week off from work (since the wife has it off as well...Spring Break, you see) and it's really altering my sense of time (and responsibility). I'm hoping that I can remember to return to work when the time that I am required to do so rolls around. Hell, I was really quite lucky to have remembered to make it up to Freak Train at the Bug Theater in denver last night...

And SPEAKING of Freak Train...

Last night was quite the milestone as everyone's old buddy Collin was able to overcome palpable stage fright (and substandard Italian food) and actually PERFORM! Live on the stage! I know, I know, you kids are probably all like "no way, fool, we don't believe this! That Collin fella' would NEVER perform!" To that I say "Watch this, bitches:"
headphones...That's all I'm sayin'...


Wasn't that awesome!? I'm so proud of Collin...Way to go...

Of course I performed last night as did Pat, but since I usually reserve the video of my own performance for display on Friday, I'll just finish this entry up with the (slightly disturbing) footage of Pat's performace...



So there's that...As always, thanks for stopping by...You kids have a fine Tuesday now...

Labels: Bad Stand-Up Comedy, collin crap, Freak Train, vaunted videoblogs

Hey, kids! It's FRIDAY! Well, in truth, I'm kind of posting this on Thursday night...But what the heck, right? What's a few minutes here and there between friends? Anyhow, I'm posting the video of my standup comedy performance from Freak Train this past Monday. Is it funny? You decide...
the audio is easier to understand when you use headphones. I'm just sayin'...

so there's that...Big thanks to Pat Angello for operating the camera (and also for posting this same video on HIS blog like...On Tuesday). As always, thanks for stopping by...You kids have a great weekend...

Labels: Bad Stand-Up Comedy, Freak Train, vaunted videoblogs

Hey, it's Tuesday! Crap! I didn't see THIS coming...

You think I'm kidding? I'm not. When my wife woke me up to tell me goodbye this morning, I asked her why the Hell she was going to work on a Sunday...Apparently my brain is operating in reverse at this point. Anyhow, my mental deficiencies (even more prevalent than normal) are likely due to the fact that I was up a wee bit late last night. See, for the first time since October, I attended the big Freak Train show last night at the Bug Theatre in Denver. Of course, Pat Angello was also there and, in addition to doing my own standup routine, I assisted him in his five-minute skit by playing the part of myself. Not my best role but, at the very least, one I don't have to do much research for...Things went quite well last night, I was able to use a lot of the material which I had written for LAST month's Freak Train which, of course, I didn't attend due to the whole "being ill" thing. My parents came along last night and, even though I think that they may be a wee bit biased, they told me that I had done a "good job" and that I was "very funny." At the very least, people laughed. Pat was kind enough to tape my performance which means that, come Friday, you kids can be the final judge as to the humor contained in my act.

For those of you who are having trouble recollecting my past descriptions of Freak Train, I'll take a few minutes here to explain the concept a bit further. See, on the last Monday of every month (the only exception being December), the Freak Train pulls into the Bug Theatre located at 37th and Navajo in the heart of a decidedly crappy neighborhood in Denver, CO. Everyone hands over actual folding monies in the amount of five U.S. Dollars to enter, even the performers. The concept is this: there are 12 slots open for performers. Sign-up is first come, first served. Performers are allowed 30 seconds to set up (if they need it) and 5 minutes on stage. As long as the performers do not pose a danger to themselves, the audience or the facility, anything goes. It is truly the living embodiment of an amateur night if there ever was one. You never know what you're going to get...Acts range from semi-professional musicians performing in order to pimp upcoming shows (such as the Bluebird Equation who sang a tight little number last night titled "Whiskey in my Sippy Cup") to absolutely drugged out hippies in chicken suits (I'm not kidding about this) simply "winging it," if you'll pardon the pun. There is also one regular in particular who has taken to reading misguided political rants in his five-minute set. Since the crowd is heavily liberal (read: heavily ignorant), his rants are quite the hit at the Train. Somewhere in the middle of all of that, you get me: a fat white kid shouting things like "HOLY LAWDY, WHO WANTS SOME CANDY!?" It really is a great time.

In other news, I'd like to thank everyone who has submitted their queries for our impending "Ask A Canadian" segments which will be featured on future episodes of the ol' awesomecast. I would like to encourage my 3 or 4 readers to keep up the sending in of questions and, seriously...Andy? Look, the segment is not titled "Berate A Canadian." I don't know if I can even ask your questions. I mean, Canadian Bacon is SO way more than ham...Heh...

And speaking of the podcasts (we were), I'll also have another extra-special segment debuting soon called "sexy but not so sexy books on tape" as read by a books on tape AND Iraq conflict veteran named Sergeant Hoeppel. I guarantee you'll love it or...Well...Look, you'll like it. Anyhow, I needs to get back to the whole "stuff I need to get done" so you kids have a great Tuesday...Thanks for stopping by.

Labels: Freak Train, lame stories

And WOAH, Holy CRAP! It's Friday all of a sudden! Well, kids, you know what THAT means! It's Videoblog day! No, really. It IS. Look, it can't be Photoblog Phriday EVERY Friday now, can it? Anyhow, I'd like you to all turn your attention to the video below which captures for posterity my performance at Freak Train this past Monday (October 30). Who's the Spooky Singing Ghost? I am...
I recommend wearing headphones, otherwise it'll be all "hard to understand" and stuff.

And if you want to catch Pat Angello doing a spot-on Pee-Wee Herman interpretive dance, you can check that out right here.
So there's that. As always, thanks for stopping by. You kids have a great weekend now.

Labels: Freak Train, Singing Off-Key, spooky shit, vaunted videoblogs

So really, there's nothing like a weekend recap post that's so much a day late that it can include what I did on Monday...No, really. THERE'S NOTHING LIKE IT. of course, that's not to say that the "it" in question is any good. It's just mostly unique. Anyway, enough of my not making sense, let's get on wif' 'de bidness, shall we?

A PARTY!? I Never...Oh, wait...
So we got invited to ANOTHER Halloween party (suddenly, we's popular) by the CopyGodd which occured (I assume) this past Saturday. While I really appreciated the invite, sadly, we were not able to attend. The reason being was that my wife was playing in a women's hockey tournament with a team called the Pucking Witches and I, being the nice fella' that I am, was there to support her...Her team had to play 4 games in the span of about 27 hours so, needless to say, she was pretty well beat by Saturday night. Additionally, I have the dubious distinction of being the "official announcer" for this tournament's championship rounds so I was up early on Sunday to get things rockin' and rollin' at the rink (which, by the way, has HORRIBLE accoustics). I have to say, though, that this may be the last year which I find it feasible to associate myself with this particular tournament, but that's a story for another time...

Did I mention that I hate Phil Simms?..
So after I was done doing all of what I was doing at the Ice Hall, I came home with the intention of watching the Denver Broncos handle the Stinkin' Colts and send them home unceremoniously with a loss on their record. Sadly, partly due to a completely bullshit review and subsequent overturn by the officials, Indianapolis hung in the game and ended up winning on a last second field goal. Now, I can be pissed at Darrent Williams for not being able to cover shit, let alone Reggie Wayne. I can also be pissed at Peyton Manning for playing what my dad likes to call "pussy football" but really, my anger is mostly directed at whomever at CBS thinks that it's a good idea to put Phil Fucking Simms on Broncos broadcasts as a color analyst...Seriously, this guy is the least professional asshole ex-player of all the unprofessional ex-player asshole color analysts oout there. It's obvious that Simms hates Denver, so why the HELL is he allowed to be a part of the broadcast team that covers Broncos games? Fuck you, CBS and fuck you, Phil Simms. You! Go to Hell!..

Get On Board, Freaks...
So yesterday was the last Monday of the month and, of course, that means Freak Train happened last night at the Bug Theatre in Denver. Since it was so close to the Halloweens, I had planned to do a little song and dance act dressed in a sheet (officially called the Spooky Singing Ghost) and, I have to say, even though I was not alone in the idea of singing, it all went good. Big thanks to Pat Angello for being my "cape man," even though he left the cape on the stage and ran off, Pee Wee Herman style (video proof of this incident shall be posted here on Friday)...My wife and my parents even showed up to watch me get all stupid last night and it was really nice to have them in the audience. At Freak Train, though, there's what they call "the 13th Freak" which is just a randomly selected number person through the door who has to perform a skit with some direction in addition to the 12 performers who signed up. My wife had a premonition that she might be said 13th Freak and damned if that didn't come true...She was none too happy about having to do it but, I have to say, she did a good job. Sadly, I didn't have the video camera handy to capture her brief stint on stage for posterity but hey, she did it...Way to go, Squatchy!

Neil's dressed as a giant chicken...A giant chicken with succulent BREAST MEATS!..
So yeah, it's Halloween and there's a costume contest going to happen here at the agency in about 20 minutes. There's a good selection of pirates this year and one half zorro, half samurai and a couple of vampiresses and stuff but yeah: Neil is dressed as a chicken (and a pretty convincing chicken at that)...I myself will NOT be reprising my role as "vodeedoo" which won me "spookiest costume" at Jen's party a couple weeks ago (mostly 'cause I hate putting on the makeup) so I just brought in the sheet costume I wore last night at the Bug. I'm not counting on winning anything, but stranger things have happened...Regardless, there'll be food...Hell, I brought donuts ('cause I didn't have time to bake cookies). Anyhow, thanks for stopping by today, you all have a great Halloween now...

Labels: Freak Train, hockey stuff, holidays, I eat food, lame stories, sports, stagnation, tales of triumph

Hey, welcome to Friday! I know that I've been lax in my duties lately as far as the ol' Phrickin' Photoblog is concerned and, SURPRISE, today is really no different. Oh, sure, I could easily show you kids a whole new batch of pictures of me playing hockey (only slightly less interesting than dogs playing poker) but today is not the day for such things. Nay, today IS the day for me to show you the video record of my most recent Freak Train appearance, which happened this past Monday (the 25th) up at the Bug Theatre in Denver, CO. I'm not promising that you'll be entertained if you choose to view said video or that you'll even be able to hear what I'm saying (headphones work best, just a tip from me to you). I'm not particularly proud of this here standup routine (specifically because I screwed up and forgot a really good segment in the later portion). Regardless, since we all know that I possess no shame whatsoever, here is that video:

Big thanks go to Pat Angello for operating the camera. One of the reasons that I mostly sucked while doing THIS month's routine was that I was spending too much time rehearsing for NEXT month's (Halloween-themed) routine...So hopefully that turns out a lot better. Regardless, thanks for stopping by: you all have a great weekend!..

Labels: Bad Stand-Up Comedy, Freak Train, religion, vaunted videoblogs

Indeed, I have a smallish favor to ask those of you who may come around here on a regular basis. See, utilizing that fledgling stand-up comedy video which I posted here for your collective shocked amazement not too long ago, I entered a "contest" of sorts on the MySpace.

Yes, one of the spaces on MySpace is mine. No, I'm not stalking your 14 year old.

Anyhow, right about here is where that "favor" comes in. See, I'm not one to have delusions of grandeur and I'm not one to ask too much of people BUT if it's not too much trouble, why don't you go here and vote for me by sending a message to that particular MySpace profile and saying that I'm, you know..."funny." Of course, if you find me painfully unfunny, I can accept that. Just don't tell Bruce Bruce that, deal?

Of course, to do any telling of anything in this situation, you'd have to be on the MySpace like I am. So if you're not, and it's not too much trouble, set up a MySpace account for yourself. I promise that, if you do, I won't stalk your 14 year old if you don't stalk mine...Thank you...

Labels: Bad Stand-Up Comedy, Freak Train

Lo, it is Friday and all is good. Ooh, also: it's the beginning of one of those "holiday" weekends, what with that "Labor Day" thing happening on Monday. Anyhow, just as I promised earlier in the week, I shall now display to you my fledgling effort at being "funny" on stage...It's not the whole act but...Well, I cut some out because I said some things that certain people might not be able to understand as "jokes" (and I don't mean I was racist, I called some people "assholes") but the rest...well, it's in there. I'd apologize for the first two minutes of the video, but I think the final two should more than make up for them. Anyhow, enjoy:
Hey: if you're like "under 18" or you're like..."my mom," don't watch the video. I "curse" AND "swear" in it. Thank you.

So there's that. I hope you all have a fine weekend now...Oh, and if you're wondering what the whole Pat Angello in a dress thing is about, go here and scroll down a few and find the one that says he's in a dress.

Labels: all those funny voices, Bad Stand-Up Comedy, Freak Train, religion, vaunted videoblogs

So yeah...Everyone should have a list of things that they have to do before they die. This doesn't have to be any sort of standard list, it should be tailored to your individual desires. In fact, this imaginary "list" should push you outside of your personal "comfort zone" now and then, otherwise what's the point, right? Among the items which I have on my list was "try doing standup comedy." Notice that I said was there. See, last night at the Bug Theatre in Denver, I participated in what is called Freak Train and did, in fact, do some standup comedy...

The best part is: people laughed.

Granted, Freak Train is pretty much the ultimate amateur hour. It happens at the Bug on the last Monday of every month and there's really no prerequisite to sign up for one of the 12 five-minute performer slots outside of being just nutty enough to do it (and be willing to part with five bucks). Due to this, the audience might be a bit more forgiving than, say, the audience at a comedy club but that also makes Freak Train the best possible place to give something new a shot. I'd known about the Train for some time now since our old buddy Pat Angello is a regular performer and had been encouraging both Collin and myself to give it a try. Long story short, as you now know, I finally did try it...

And now, I LOVE Freak Train!..

Just as a sidenote, my "performance" was recorded via the magics that are my new video camera so I will most likely post some (if not all) of my 5 minutes of fame right here come Friday morning...

Labels: Freak Train, get outta town, lame stories, tales of triumph