Ok, yeah. I know that Wednesday is supposed to be reserved for the podcastings. Look, it's almost midnight, alright? I JUST got the videos from last night's Freak Train chopped up and uploaded. I am NOT staying up to edit down the podcast. I'll get it done later. No rush. Nobody's going to go into shock that I didn't get something done. Anyway, here's a look at what I did last night. 3 jokes, people. That's what I had. 3. I guess that's all I needed...



And, as a point of reference, Justin:



So there you are. You kids have a fine Wednesday now. Also: Find me a job. That is all.

Labels: Bad Stand-Up Comedy, Freak Train, lame stories, spoof commercials

And yet again, we find ourselves staring Wednesday dead in the face. Surely I'm about to hit you folks with yet another episode of the ol' awesomecast. What with Collin on vacation, however, I'm flying solo for this week's 'cast and, since I'm painfully uncompelling on my own, this episode is really just a showcase of some of the audio entries which used to grace the pages of my blog and, of course, predated this podcast here. Anyhow, right here is where you clicky to listen:

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, awesomecasts, podcasts, spoof commercials

*Psst*...Don't tell anyone, but it's like...ACTUALLY Wednesday today and I'm ACTUALLY hitting you kids with a "big audio Wednesday" audio entry for the SECOND WEEK IN A ROW! WHOO! Ok, so yeah, maybe that doesn't warrant praise being heaped upon me and your undying adulation and/or laaaaaaaarge sums of cash but you know what? it DOES show that I care...

That's right, dammit! I CARE!..Heh...Anyhow...

Unless you've been in a coma for a while or you REALLY hate "news" in general, you're probably aware that this thing called "meth" is sweeping the country like a smelly plague, with meth labs getting busted (or simply exploding) all across this great land, most of the time in the places which you WOULD suspect them to be, but sometimes not...Sometimes meth labs are being discovered where you would LEAST suspect them to be. Regardless, there's this "meth" stuff and it's volatile and illegal and people make it and sell it and that's why I can only buy like ONE cold tablet at a time when my allergies are REALLY REALLY bad and that sucks. In case you're wondering where I'm going with this, that's what today's audio entry is all about, makin' light of harmful, illegal activity, specifically "meth cooks" and things...and stuff...So yeah...Here that is:

So there you go: the workaday duties of your average meth cook just got a whole lot easier (and safer!). Regardless, I Hope you enjoyed it...have a fine Wednesday, kids!..

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, spoof commercials

Holy CRAP! I actually did up an audio entry for you kids to (maybe) enjoy here on Big Audio Wednesday! This is living proof, kids, that if you really put your mind to something, you can accomplish whatever you want in life...

Ok, I lie. THIS is simply proof that, if you feel compelled to bang out a script in 3 or 4 minutes and record something real quick-like before you go to bed, you can accomplish having some half-assed sequel to some other half-assed audio entry available to post the following day. Regardless, before we get too far into this, those of you who are relatively new to the ol' blogsitething here may want to check out the original Pooper Scooter 2000 audio entry. If you do that, today's audio entry might make sense. Hell, it may even make you chuckle, if only slightly. You go ahead, check that out...I'll wait right here...

(muzak version of Symphony of Destruction)...

Ah, good, you're back! Ok, now that you've (hopefully) learned all about space-age polymers, dual-purpose navigation thrones and assless chaps, it's time for you kids to hear the next installment in the Zipco Pooper Scooter family of fake commercials...Hot damn, here comes the Pooper Scooter 2001!

So there's that...As per usual, I handled all of the male voices in the spot but, as a gesture of goodwill, I asked my wife to tackle both of the female voices. Anyhow, you all have a fine Wednesday!

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, spoof commercials

Ooh, it's Wednesday! Ash Wednesday, to be exact, the day that all you good Catholics go to get "stuff" smeared on your forehead. I'd like to say that today's audio entry is, in some way, in honor of this grand Catholic tradition, but it's not. No, today's audio entry is simply the audio entry which I had completed and ready to go for today and in no way reflects the day's serious religious significance. I should've done a follow-up to Rosary Ford or somethin'...

Oh well...

Anyway, today I have for you good people the second (of two, so far) in the Big Ass Hotdog franchise of audio entries. Admittedly, today's entry was just an excuse for me to do a couple of half-assed celebrity impressions...Regardless, here it comes:

So there you go...Enjoy the rest of your Wednesday, wallowing in all the wonderful things that only giant, weinery bliss can bring...

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, religion, spoof commercials

And so, we find ourselves at "Wednesday," the day which promises that my garbage will be carted off by those guys and their "big truck" and also that I'll toss a substandard audio entry towards you good people...You know, I'd love nothing more than to present something so friggin' awesome today that it'd MORE THAN make up for me being a weak-ass slacker and not having anything to share last week but, sadly, last week's "non-audio entry" may turn out to be better than what I do have for you today...

Regardless, lets get to it, shall we?

Today's entry is an advertisement for a fictional institution which can help you "fail your way to the top" as so many top level executives seem to be doing these days. Granted, lying on one's resume is nothing new - it's seems to be a widespread and time-honored practice - but most companies don't take too kindly once they figure out the ruse...Anyhow, enough of that crap...Just take a listen:

So there's that...In all fairness, today's entry was just as much an excuse to record myself doing a half-assed British accent as anything. Regardless, you all have a fine hump day, filled with the joy that only productive failure and massive severance packages could bring...

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, misguided rantings, spoof commercials

Ahh, for the simplicity of "the good old days" back when gas was cheap, the air smelled good and people could actually be classified and/or certified as an "idiot." Granted, I can't actually REMEMBER these "old days," but I have heard tell of old-timey scales of intelligence that actually featured measurable and assignable "levels o' smartness" which included "moron," "idiot" and "imbecile." So see? If your great-grandfather perhaps uttered the phrase "you can't marry that boy: he's an idiot" to your grandmother, he may have actually had paperwork to support his assertion...

Anyhow...

One of the reasons that I bring this up is that my sister, for the past few years, has been absolutely silly with the genealogy stuff. A couple of weeks ago, when we went to see the Avalanche play the Stars, she brought up that she had found some early-part-of-the-century census forms and, even though the idiot wasn't in OUR family tree (God forbid) there were actual "idiots" listed in that particular county's census. While this fact gave her motivation to try and ferret out the idiots in OUR family tree, it gave me an idea for an audio entry which, because it IS "big audio Wednesday," I will share with you all...now:

So there's that...You all have a fine and productive Wednesday which should be easy as long as all of those "imbeciles" you work with could leave you alone and let you get some "stuff" done for once...Heh...

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, me roots, spoof commercials

So I was reading a news report about some pack of ghoulish nutcases in New Jersey who have been doing what is commonly called "body harvesting" in that they've been hacking apart old and/or diseased corpses which have had the misfortune to come in to their respective network of funeral homes for "preparation" and, subsequently, have been selling off said "hacked-up" parts to be used in transplantation, passing off these substandard hunks o' human as "young" and/or "fresh" when they are usually anything but...Seriously, I dig cash money just as much as the next guy but c'mon: things don't get much more sick and twisted than that...Anyhow, like most things "sick and twisted," I was hoping that I could make a fun audio entry emerge out of all of the aforementioned gruesomeness (also: sorrow)...I really wasn't able to make it all come together, though, until last week while on IM with the (now legendary) Pat Angello...For reasons that are now lost to history (and my poor short-term memory), Mr. And-Jello utilized the "pig-latin" for the word "burn" (urn-bay) which, when I read it, made everything come together for me...As such, I have for you good people (yet another) Corpus Crispy Crematorium-themed fake radio advertisement...After all, why shouldn't everyone's favorite fictional funeral home cash in on the whole "pieces and parts for fun and profit" scene?..I now present (with fanfare, no less) the world premiere of urnbay.com:

So that's that...You all have a fine Wednesday now, free from body harvesters, crooked funeral directors and anyone else who would want to defile your sweet, sweet innards...

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, lame stories, spoof commercials, spooky shit

Ok, kids, it's "Wednesday" and you know what that means...

No, Not THAT...Sicko...It means that I've got (yet another) audio entry for your ear's pleasure...Indeed, today's entry is actually kind of a rip-off of a "real-life" spot which I had the pleasure of voicing for an actual dealer a couple of Halloweens ago...Of course, THAT (real) spot wasn't quite as fun as today's because, simply, I don't get to write or produce those "real-life" ones. but for you, kids: nothing but the best...

Hey, stop laughing...IS TRUE!..

Anyhow, today's spot is for the very fictional Vlad Dracul Hyundai...Imagine if the count...or prince...or whatever decided that sucking the blood of virgins JUST WASN'T ENOUGH and decided to sell inexpensive imports to the unwashed masses...Such a scenario might sound a bit like this:

so there you go...Have a great Wednesday, kids...

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, spoof commercials, spooky shit

Way back when I started this weird little blogsitething, among the first things which I posted was a pair of audio entries for a fictional funeral home called Corpus Crispy Crematorium. These were based on a post that Collin had written which, to make a short story long, came about as part of a patented Collin "witty comment" which was uttered during a conversation here at work...

Anyhow, since last Wednesday featured the continuation of the (vaunted) ValuHo series, and since everything old is new again, I invite you to take a listen to the newest Corpus Crispy Crematorium fictional advertisment:



As per usual, I'm both of the voices in the spot. Just as a sidenote, I really like shouting the word "CLOWNS!" Try it yourself, it just might brighten up your day...Go ahead...Nobody's watching...

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, collin crap, spoof commercials, spooky shit

So I got to thinkin', as I was putting together my recent weak-ass year in review post that I have been exceptionally lax as it pertains to audio entries recently...I mean, when I first started doing this stupid blogsitething, I was cranking out audio entries like so many rabbit babies would be cranked out by even a mildly promiscuous rabbit mommy and daddy...Regardless of my own post-related promiscuity, I have for you all today (finally)...An audio entry...



Of course, this is not only a continuation of my (vaunted) ValuHo audio entry series, but also the next step, if you will, in the saga of Big Al's Pike's Peek (Gentlemen's club and plumbing supply). Granted, the real Big Al doesn't talk with an east coast accent, but I thought that such things might bring more to the table...As usual, I am both of the voices in today's entry...I hope you all enjoyed it.

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, spoof commercials

I got to thinkin' here recently that it's been SO LONG since I produced and posted an audio entry on this blogsite thing (the last time was in late June) that some of you might not even realize that I do ANY audio stuff.

Seriously...I do audio stuff...

If'n you haven't up to this point, I'd encourage you to check out some of the old ones at the audio archive (it's linked in the sidebar). Before you do THAT, though, I'd like you stick around and listen to my most recent one...It's nothing special, but what the Hell...

You've no doubt seen the commercials for those career institute-type places which promise to get you all learned up on a new career just by taking courses by mail or now via the fabled "internets." I've always been mildly amused at the claims and the testimonials which these advertisements feature and it got me thinkin' one day that, if there's a market for places that can train you in a new, and seemingly above-board, career, why can't there be one that trains you to do stuff that can earn you significantly more money AND, at the same time, attention from the authorities? An example of a commercial for just such an establishment can be heard right here:

Admittedly, it's not very slickly produced, but that was kind of the point: A fly-by-night type of deal where you may, or may not, learn enough to make some quick cash...Hope you enjoyed it...

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, spoof commercials

You've no doubt seen the commercials on television, late-night or otherwise, for those "Invention Submission" places which promise that, if you'll merely send them information about YOUR idea or invention, they'll "help you market" said idea. Now, I've personally always been more than a little leery of companies like this. It seems to me that you'd have to be really friggin' desperate, extremely naive, or "both" to want to share the particulars of an invention that YOU came up with that could potentially make YOU rich with someone whom you only just met by watching a television commercial when you really should've just been in bed...That said, I've ever actually had the occasion to "invent" anything, I'm just sayin' that, if I did, I doubt that my first call would be to a bunch of hacks who are only allowed to advertise during the Late, Late Show...

Well, ok...They advertise during the daylight hours as well...But c'mon...

While I was recently in Las Vegas, I witnessed possibly a "metric shitload" of commercials for these inventor's idea submission outfits...In fact, it seemed that every third commercial had something to do with "patenting your invention" or "submitting your idea to industry." Of course, personal injury lawyers, bail bondsmen and seedy slot and keno joints were the main subjects of most of the OTHER advertising I remember seeing on television there...Comparatively, it didn't make the invention folks seem so bad...All of this, I assume, has to do with the "percentage of desperate people" in the las Vegas area...

After all, you have to know your audience...

Anyhow, at one point, Big Al asked me if I had given thought to making fun of the whole "invention submission" idea. My answer was a decisive "not yet," although, in truth, I hadn't really given any thought to the subject as a whole until he said something. After being immersed for a few days in the advertising for these seemingly benevolent corporations, though, I felt that I had no choice but to try with the "making fun." There is a "tweest," however, to my spoofing today...The "tweest" is, in fact, that I decided to do the spoof all "old timey" and stuff...Allow me to "set the stage"...The year: 1912...The scam: Ye Olde Inventor's Clearing House...The inventions: old...The people: Dead by now...You: implored to listen and (hopefully) enjoy...

Now, c'mon...Is that crap the "bee's knees" or what? You all have a fine Thursday now...

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, spoof commercials

I don't think that there's been any sort of entry on my blog yet that was "awaited." The spoof radio commercial for Big Ass Hotdog, though, seems to be the exception to the rule. Perhaps it's all the buildup, or simply the fact that I'm actually tying together a fake print ad with a fake radio ad. No matter the reason for the (minor) clamoring to hear the Big Ass Hotdog radio spot, the wait is over. I now present to you, the fake radio commercial for the (just as fake) Big Ass Hotdog grand opening:

I was able to utilize Kathy, a freelancer at the agency I work at AND one of the original ValuHos, for the first female voice part and my wife, making her spoof audio debut, as the second. I am the other voices in the spot. Hope you enjoy it!

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, spoof commercials

I'm sure that, at some point in time, you've seen the commercials which air on cable TV for outfits such as the Scooter Store...These are the places which target the elderly with their "mobility products," claiming to get your grammy or grampy "up and about" at no cost to them (no doubt by overcharging SOMEONE'S insurance somewhere). I've often wondered, though, when these shysters would try and "kill two birds with one stone," so to speak, and try and grab the market share from other "elderly targeted" products. I have for you all today, my version of the "mini-infomercial" for just such a miracle product. A product which would solve mobility AND incontinence issues for the elderly...The Pooper Scooter 2000...

it's made of "space age polymers!" And...Um...Assless Chaps...

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, spoof commercials

Ok, so yeah. I've done this before, but NOW it's even better! Seriously, before it was there, and that was fine, but now there are all of these curse words and better effects and production and I HAD TO SHARE IT WITH YOU BECAUSE...well, just because. Here you go, friends and neighbors...The new, improved Wingity Ding Dong...



Like the image at the top says, there are explicit lyrics. Like, 20 or 30 "f-words" just as a start. NO BLEEPS OR CENSORING! All raw and uncut for you. Kind of like "Wingy gone wild."

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, spoof commercials

The last couple of days, the DSL connection at work has been down. It's painfully sad, that when there is no access to the internet or to email, how helpless we all become. Most of our communications, personal and professional, happen via email. We also email and FTP files to newspapers and clients and this has allowed us to work RIGHT UP TO DEADLINE...Without the luxury of a connection, though, we're thrown into the dark ages, so to speak. It's very strange. Anyhoo, our connection is back (whew) and so I get to share with you an audio entry that I hastily constructed as an inaugural project with some new audio editing software that I downloaded. First, some background:

Johnny, who I work with at the radio station, was telling me that I needed to record and produce a spoof spot called "Al Qaida Ford." This suggestion stuck around in the back of my mind, not really causing me any great inspirational flashes until a couple days ago when I needed to write SOMETHING just to give some of the filters and things in this new program a test drive. As such, Al Qaida Ford is not my finest work. It is, however, an audio entry and I will share it with you now.



I also recut the "Wingity Ding Dong" spot that I did a while back. For the re-do, I left it in an uncensored state (all 200 or so curse words audible) and will probably share that with you soon. The quality of the production is markedly better...Anyway, it's great to be back online. HOW I'VE MISSED IT SO! I can actually pay some bills...Whoo!

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, spoof commercials

Man, it's been a LONG DAMN TIME since my last one of these, but I finally came through. That's right, people, it's time for another AUDIO ENTRY! (holy crapoli!)

I will admit that I, like a lot of people, enjoy chicken wings. I've often sat and wondered, however, how many chickens there could possibly be in the world. Will we ever run out? I mean, I ASSUME that these places that serve ONLY wings cut some sort of distribution deal with the chicken people. Think about it, 40 wings represents the dissection of 20 chickens. The rest of the meat has to go SOMEWHERE. (Breasts go to Wendys®, Livers and Hearts go to Safeway®, Thighs go in my refrigerator, the Gizzards go into my belly, etc...) It's such a strangely specialized market, chicken wings...

I'm also amused by restaurants that use, in their logo or otherwise, the likeness of whatever animal they serve (pigs at a BBQ restaurant, steers at a steakhouse, old crotchety men at KFC, etc.) as if these animals are TOTALLY PSYCHED to be eaten by you. (Come on in and enjoy my family roasted up nice!) With this premise in mind, I present to you a commercial for "Wingity Ding Dong." This piece of fiction has been rolling around in my brain for some time now and I'm quite relieved that it found it's way out...Finally...Anyway, here it is:


Unfortunately for you, I do all of the voices (even the lousy singing) in this one. Still, hope you all enjoy it.

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, spoof commercials