So, I know that I said (in my post from yesterday) that I was above all of that "best of my blog in 2005" shit (mostly because my posts continued their grand tradition of "sucking" all of last year) but then I got to thinkin'...When have I ever let mediocrity (or even abject failure) stop me from putting up a massively long-winded post, chock full of "the nothin'?" THE ANSWER IS "NEVER," KIDS! As such, you are about to bear witness to the spectacle what will surely come to be known as "Wednesday's lame post," but that will be spoken about in hushed tones in certain circles as "the year-in-review post thing that sucked worse than the entirety of last year's post things and that has made me HATE that Cheese boy, HATE HIM!"

With that in mind, why should we dawdle and delay impending hatred any longer? We begin NOW:

Starting off in the logical locale (which would be "January") we find that, since I have a disturbing habit of saying the word "yes" a little too often, I experienced the horror that is Indoor Softball in the early days of 2005. Since we're talking "suck" here today, let me tell you (again for the first time): Playing indoor softball may as well be the earthly manifestation of "suck" in all of it's miserable, unGodly manifestationness...In fact, it was so draining, it seemed to have prevented me from posting ANYTHING worth even a small damn for the rest of January...

Luckily, though, in early February, I shook that shit off like so many pond leeches and whipped out a post about a Completely Gay Skeleton who lives alone, somewhere in the desert. I know that it sounds a little on the side of "not so good," but I really did receive some good feedback regarding that post...Of course, when I say "good feedback," I mean that not less than 3 whole people told me that it was "stupid" and like...2 awesome motherfuckers FUCKING LOVED IT (the more curse words you use, the cooler the sentence is, I'm told)...And speaking of "early February" (we were), that period of time was also the setting for my second Dark Minion Club (fake) ad which, if one were inclined to spend their hard-earned money on frivolous crap, is available on a mousepad from my CafePress shop...Staying with February, since it proved to be a mildly productive month here at Action Cheese Studios despite it's stigma as the shortest month of the year (it probably gets all of that spam email about elongating it's self), we find that I was able to churn out a (now rare) audio entry for the (purely fictional) pooper scooter 2000, a mobility AND incontinence solution for the elderly...Not long after, I celebrated my first "blogiversary" and then got SILLY wif' 'de theme songs (for a short while), mixing one up for not only MY blog, but my sister's blog, Collin's blog and the blog of HappyFunBall as well...Strangely, my motivation to keep slapping those theme song things together like so many low-income track houses exited me as quickly as it came around, leaving nothing but scorched corneas and a half-eaten sammich in it's brutal wake...

Red, itchy eyes and moldy egg salad aside, it was March's turn to grasp the proverbial wheel and, mostly because filling space is one of my main priorities, I started doing that Phrickin' Photoblog Phriday all regular-like...Additionally, I allowed myself to be interviewed, so to speak, by some of you good people who happened to be paying attention long enough to leave me questions in the comments box...On a sad note, as it most likely shall be for many years, around the end of March I I still missed my departed friend...I did, however, close out March on an "up note" with a nice, non-offensive little audio entry titled Big Ass Hotdog which, I'm told, has become a big hit with a small segment of the brave men and women which are serving in Iraq...

Come April, a severe lack of inspiration led to re-doing pulp covers becoming the order of the day (easy to do AND they "filled space"). Additionally, I found some time (like 3 or 4 minutes, tops) to make fun of the whole Wendy's trailer-park-scamstress-finding-a-finger-in-her-chili debacle with a fake ad for KFC featuring the recently animated Colonel doing one of those hip, young-peoples' dance routines...

Once May arrived we find that, while I still lacked inspiration to create really readable content, the whole "makin' fun of folk Jones" which I had the month prior had yet to fade. As such, I took a stab at making fun of the Mastercard "Priceless" ads and that Runaway Bride chick at the same time. Not long after, I gave you all some details behind my getting kicked out of (yet another) hockey league...JGIAP...

June was a slow month for content (Even slower than April and May, as if that were even possible...Must've been the warm weather) but I did manage to sneak in a story about how I found out what my uncle wants done with his earthly remains after he "shuffles off this mortal coil," so to speak...A disturbing scenario, to say the least...

Perhaps continuing that whole "warm weather distraction" theme, or maybe because I just plain suck at this, the only thing which July would yield along the lines of "blog content" was a (heartwarming) story which chronicled how I was able to utilize the motivation that is "revenge" to win my first (and only) game while playiing in the "advanced" hockey league at the Chapel Hills Mall...

Some fools say that "Spring" is the time for "renewal," but I disagree: "renewal," thy name must be "August!" You see, I was as productive as I've ever been regarding content for this stupid blogsitething in the 8th month of 2005...Some highlights of said contentual endeavors include the (gripping) tale of how Hot Dog Man made it all the way to Santa Fe, my tips for what to do in a crisis (a parody of a brochure originally produced by the Red Cross), some quick makin' fun of Russians (not once, but (at least) twice) through the (magic) of crappily re-doing old crappy posters and, of course, who can forget the (beloved) tale of the time that I was able to track down (and purchase) the elusive "Jalabañero pepper"...

Come September, it seems that I was merely content to "rest upon my laurels" (or my "fat ass," whichever comes first) because highlights of super posty action (now with less action!) were hard to come by. I did, however, celebrate National Talk-Like-a-Pirate Day (because everyone should) and, as if that weren't enough (because it's not), I went to Pueblo and blew out my stupid left knee, something which I remember as "not unlike the explosion of a bloated whale carcass," except without all of those pesky eskimos hanging around, waiting to harvest my sweet, sweet blubber...

I seemed to "pick up the (content) pace," so to speak, for the month of October (conceivably since I was a mostly immobile slug following that "knee-go-boom" thing)...Some of the highlights of said "content explosion" includes me filling you good people in on why I had to change dentists, how I was totally better than all of you (for at least a day) when Pat Angello decreed me a BIG WINNER, how I preyed upon the young and the clueless late one (fateful) evening with some more of that (ever enjoyable) chat prankin' (hey, that GIR chick digs the chat pranks: I aim to please) and how, for whatever reason, I had the misfortune to come across a perverted and naked ken doll where I work, documenting said (gruesome) event via the magic of "flash photography"...

Continuing with the "ebb and flow" theory of blog-tides, November wasn't terribly eventful if you're talkin' "posts n' stuff." On the bright side, though, I WAS like...TOTALLY FAMOUS for a WHOLE DAY thanks to AOL linking up to a post which I had written about Terrell Owens and the Eagles and stuff...Of course, I also went to Las Vegas and ate myself silly in the latter part of November, mostly because that's what all the cool kids were doin' at the time...

Finally, closing out such an eventful year full of "the suck," in December I decided to begin participating in Illustration Friday all regular-like and, despite concern for my own well being, I succumbed to temptation and played me some of that "hockey" for the first time since that whole "exploding left knee" incident...Thankfully, it went surprisingly well...

So that's it, kids...2005 is not only OFFICIALLY in the books, but the memories took up INSANE amounts of space today! Still, it's all "over" and stuff, so not only do I have to start writing "2006" on all of my checks, I also get to feel just that much older (like...a year) and also marvel at "how long ago" things seem to have happened (again, adding a year to the total). Regardless of all of that, I really do mean this next letter-string sincerely: no matter WHY you stop by this weird little blogsitething of mine, I appreciate you stopping by...Now get out there and have a great 2006!

Labels: audio, get outta town, indignities, lame stories, me roots, sports, tales of triumph