So...We got some snow here on Saturday and Sunday...Thank God for that, or the retards clever kids profiled in the following entry might have gotten away with their evil deeds...

Like the last time I posted something like this, I pulled the info from the Colorado Springs Police Blotter. When I checked the blotter today, this was the top entry:

Cut directly from the blotter, my modifications and comments are in red.

Incident Date January 30, 2005 Time 7:41:00 AM Division Stetson Hills Shift I

Title Burglary Location cut just 'cause

Summary 1/30/05 at 7:41 AM Officers Paul Patton and Joseph Schneider were dispatched to location regarding suspicious circumstances which was found to be a burglary of a motor vehicle. Shortly after this Officer John Kessler was dispatched to second location regarding a BMV. Officers from both locations found shoe prints in the snow and began to follow them. ...Nothing like good, old-fashioned cop work...It was determined that the same print was observed at both scenes. Officer Gavin Montoya also became involved in the track after finding another BMV in the neighborhood. The officers followed the shoe prints in the snow for over three hours for approximately two miles and located 10 additional victims. The officers found that the shoe prints lead up to the residence at suspect home. Upon contacting the resident’s one of the 14 year old boys in the home made the res gestae statement “you are here because we broke into all those vehicles.” obviously the ring leader of the criminal MASTERMINDS which pulled off this feat of daring...Officers stated “thank you” and arrested the three young males at the residence. The Officers also retrieved from the parents the two sets of shoes that left the shoe prints in the snow. Later at Stetson Hills with their parents present the suspects admitted to committing over 30 burglaries of motor vehicles.

Now...For those of you who may not be aware, snow here generally will melt away after a reasonably short period of time. Had they just waited for a while...They may have gotten away with it...In fact, I assume that the only reason that these little hoodlum bastards absolutely COULDN'T WAIT to perpetrate their crime was that they'd have to be in school today...

Except that school was closed today in their district...All the snow, you see...

Labels: 'round town, misguided rantings

As much as I don't like filling space on my blog with goony little quizzes, I was "called out," so to speak, by my sister. As such, and considering that my answers to this "quiz" WILL, in fact, "fill space"...Here goes:

Random 10
1. Stay - Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories
2. Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana
3. Chain Gang - Sam Cooke
4. Traffic Jam - "Weird Al" Yankovic
5. Hey Tomorrow - Jim Croce
6. Fooled Around & Fell In Love - Elvin Bishop
7. Hound Dogs - ICP w/Twiztid & Blaze (ya dead homie)
8. Smiles - Mr. Goon
9. Running Bear - Johnny Preston
10. The Martian Boogie - Brownsville Station
I didn't quite understand what I was supposed to put on the "random 10," so I let ITunes pick for me. Randomly.


Total number of music files on computer:
I'm at work, so the total is 3,183. That is equivalent to 6.5 days (or 8.54 GB) of sound.

Last CD you bought:
DK Karaoke CG+G 1108 - Singin' from the soul. At least that's what showed up on the bottom of my last invoice. Last non-karaoke CD would be a Primus DVD/CD combo. I haven't had time to listen to (or watch) it quite yet...


Last song you listened to before this post:
I can't say for sure. It was a challenging drive into work this morning and I wasn't paying much attention to the radio. I was, however, listening to my home station of KSPZ, mostly because I'm tired of the CDs I have in my truck. I should remedy that soon...


Name five songs you often listen to or mean a lot to you:
1. Just LIke A Fool - The Robins
2. You Are So Beautiful - Joe Cocker
3. Life Is A Highway - Tom Cochrane
4. Everything I Do (I do it for you) - Bryan Adams
5. Sleepwalk - Santo & Johnny

My 3 Victims.....
Hasn't everyone done this yet? Just askin'.

Labels: Done Got Tagged, pointless shit

I wish I had more time to put together an entry for today but, in truth, I do not. As an alternative, I offer up yet another crude sketch, sure to please your eyes as much as it would please your palate (if it were made of chocolate and rice crunchies, which it's not so let's not dwell on that, lest we all become depressed)...

Have a fine weekend, kids!

Labels: random drawings, stagnation

So you may have noticed by now, if you're inclined to look at such things, that I change my blog subhead on a regular basis. Most of the time I'll just place some goofy, obscure quote in that space and call it "good." There are times, however, when I feel compelled to use the darn thing to do nothing more than generate search engine hits, which is the purpose of the current subhead (slamming "Abe's of Maine). Don't get me wrong, I'm not vain enough to think that I can make a huge difference with the few Google hits I get here, but, in doing some quick "Googling" this past weekend, I discovered something very interesting. Perhaps because my blog is updated on a regular basis, or perhaps because I've simply just used so many different words to this point, the damn thing is climbing higher and higher in the rankings on various searches. In fact, just to see how ironic some of this crap can get, check this out...

Take that, Denver Post!..Heh...

Anyway, all of this Googlin' and findin' and such helped me to realize that, even though I don't have a whole lot of real effective recourse when I'm treated poorly by a business, I DO have this blog. It's MY outlet, MY forum, MY dominion which I can rule with an iron fist if I am so inclined. In addition to all of THAT (crunchy) goodness, the whole stupid thing is available, in theory, to EVERYONE ON PLANET EARTH...I can post crap here and I don't have to apologize for nor explain ANYTHING if I don't feel like it...You want an example of such AWESOME POWER!? I GIVE YOU THIS:

NO EXPLANATION FOR THAT! DON'T NEED ONE EITHER! YEAH!

Anyway...Back to the issue at hand...

Here recently, I decided to order a few components for my mobile DJ rig, hoping to not only make the whole setup more efficient, but to also afford myself the ability to run either a traditionally DJ'd show (like a wedding reception, or a sock hop) OR a karaoke show from the same "rig," which is something that I have wanted (very badly) to do for some time. I did my fair share of product research online and mapped out a final rack setup numerous times before I came to a decision as to what I needed to buy. I ultimately decided that I needed a few new rack components, some cables and a second rack to store all of the junk in. I searched to find the best prices for each of the items on my "wish list" and finally settled on the particular "online storefronts" which I would be giving my business to. One of these establishments is one which I am very comfortable with. I purchase various items from them many times a year and, with one exception from a few years ago, their selection, prices, shipping time and communication is top notch. The other stores I was getting ready to throw my money at, though, I had no experience with whatsoever...

Well, ok...That's not ENTIRELY accurate...One of the stores, a DJ supply company in Chicago, is a place which I had TRIED to do business with once before. A couple years back I ordered a specific light which their website said was in stock, but received a call from a sales rep later that day saying that "the item is long gone, but we have this similar, more expensive model you might like." I don't like bait and switch, so I didn't buy the stupid light. Based on that experience, I was a bit wary of purchasing from them this time, but they were the ONLY stinkin' place which had the rack I needed at the price I liked, so I placed the order. One of the other places had the dual CD+G player I had my eye on for a ridiculously low price. The other place I ordered from, referred through a "Price Grabber" search, or something like that, is called "Abe's of Maine."

Their price on the item which I wanted to complete my setup was so INSANELY LOW that, even though they charged strangely exorbitant shipping fees, the total was still at least $20 less than anywhere else. Motivated by price, I placed my order through their website without checking out any "customer reviews" for the store...I'll never do THAT again...Heck, I should've known not to order from them as soon as I placed the item in my "cart" on their website. Right along side of it, suddenly, there appeared a $4,000 flat screen television...I deleted that item and got to thinking that it was no accident. To confirm my suspicions, I tried a few more random items and found that, deceptive mofos that Abe's of Maine are, their system automatically adds another, albeit related, EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE item right along with whatever you place into your cart. Now, that shit's not only deceptive, it's downright ILLEGAL in my opinion. Bottom line, I didn't appreciate it so much...Still, cheap-ass that I am, I went with them based on their price...

Before I get into that, though, I'd like to share that there are a lot of things which I like love about ordering products online...The convenience of it all, the fact that I can "look around" without being bothered by "salespeople" or "other customers" and (in general) the ability to check and track my order are just a few. The items which I ordered from the store I was familiar with arrived, as they usually do, in 2 days. I knew they would, too because the store had EMAILED ME A CONFIRMATION! WITH A TRACKING NUMBER again, like they always do. The next day, much to my delight (and surprise), the dual CD+G player came in. That store, too, had communicated well and provided me a confirmation email containing a tracking number. The other two stores hadn't emailed me tracking numbers, or confirmations, but the Chicago store HAD called to verify what I wanted and to tell me that it was going to be shipped right out to me...Abe's of Maine hadn't so much as confirmed my order, which I didn't like one stinkin' little bit...

When I order ANYTHING online, no matter what the shipping method, I have the items shipped to where I work. This allows me to avoid the "note on the door, sorry we missed you" bullcrap. UPS, FedEx, USPS, DHL and various Chinese and Vietnamese restaurants deliver here every business day, and we have a dedicated "shipping and receiving" department so there's always SOMEONE to sign for the packages. This past week, after I had received the first couple of packages, I was showing them off to Ray who subsequently asked me if I was expecting any more stuff. I told him that I was, including one item which I ordered from Abe's of Maine. When I said that, however, his expression changed dramatically...

"You ordered from THEM?" he asked, implying that I had done something extremely and painfully stupid...

As Ray waxed ominously about all of the "horror stories" that he had heard about Abe's of Maine, and how they're notorious for charging your credit card and simply not shipping whatever item you ordered, I became increasingly worried that I HAD done something stupid. At that point, Abe's HAD, in fact, charged my credit card. In addition to that, I had been unable to glean any info about my order via their website. After hearing Ray rattle on for some time about how I was probably going to be ripped off, I decided it was time to give ol' Abe a call...

Y'know, you really shouldn't trust any company that has "of Maine" in their title and is actually located in Brooklyn, NY. It's like Boston Market, which is based in Golden, Colorado...It just ain't right! Just a tip from me to you, kids...Now, back to our feature story...

So, greatly worried, I placed a call to Abe's of Maine...After a significant hold time, I was connected to a "customer service" rep. I asked this "person" if my order had shipped and gave her my order number. She hesitated a bit and said that it had, but that she had to put me on hold, supposedly so she could go find a tracking number for my package. When she came back to the phone, she told me that I'd have to "call back on Sunday" to get my tracking number. Even though that sounded quite suspicious to me, I agreed to do so...

I can only imagine the hilarity which ensued at Abe's pit of Hell of Maine after that bitch nice lady hung up after speaking with me...While howling with (demonic) laughter, she was probably telling the other vermin and child molesters she works alongside that she "just gave some guy in Colorado the 'call back Sunday' line!" The other terrorists and criminals in the call center would give her high fives and smile a knowing smile just before returning to their work, overcharging for shipping and sending out incorrect or inoperable items, all the while kicking puppies and baby seals with metal cleats and alternately setting fire to the American flag and putting out the flames with their own putrid urine...

Ok, so maybe it wasn't as festive as all THAT but, long story short, Abe's is closed on Sundays. The lady that told me to "call back on Sunday" knows that and, after I checked further on the website, I knew it too. Just to be sure, though, I called up on Sunday...Of course, I merely met with a message that said Abe's was, in fact, closed...

After that, I was livid, to say the least...

I quickly searched for ratings, or customer reviews, for Abe's of Maine and found that I wasn't alone. Apparently, rudeness and lies are standard company policy when a customer calls in for info. The not-so-glowing reviews for the store I found on BizRate (mine's on there now, by the way) made me even more angry. I was really beginning to think that I had been ripped off...Luckily for me, and for the jackasses at Abe's, I DID eventually receive what I ordered. This doesn't change the fact, however, that I was intentionally LIED TO by a member of their staff. I cannot forgive that sort of thing and, even though it may seem a petty thing to concern myself with, I want everyone to know about their deceptive business practices and their seemingly utter disdain for their customers. If you EVER come across Abe's of Maine and subsequently decide that it may be a "good idea" to order from them, just don't do it. Back away slowly...There are enough companies on the web that you CAN trust, you don't have to waste your time with dirty, deceptive jerks like the ones at Abe's of Maine...

"editor's" note: When I do business with a company online and they impress me greatly, usually through a combination of competitive price, good customer service and selection, I link them in my sidebar. Granted, most of you will probably never need to shop for some of the things I shop for, but if you ever find yourself in a position where you DO, my recommendations are there for the clicking...

Labels: indignities, lame stories, misguided rantings, random drawings

Today is my sister's birthday. She'll be...(doing math)...34 years old young this afternoon. You will all stop by her site and wish her a happy birthday! (Yes, whether you are inclined to do so or not. This is because it's a nice thing to do. You all want to be NICE, right?..I thought so.)

Quick birthday trivia: When Heather and I were kids, for some reason, we were made to wait until the hour of our birth to celebrate and to open our birthday presents. An odd custom, to be sure, especially since I was born at 4:45 am and she was born...oh, around 4 in the afternoon. Whereas I could no more than roll out of bed and have my birthday, Foot had to wait all of those agonizing "awake hours" until it was officially time for presents and cake and crap...Heh...

Labels: holidays, lame stories, me roots

Whether it be based upon concerns regarding weather, or real estate availability, or grounds maintenance costs or what have you, it seems that there are a lot of "indoor" facilities cropping up lately. of course, this whole "indoor" thing is far from a recent concept. Going all the way back to the Colosseum in Rome which, it is speculated, had a wooden roof that could be removed if the weather was nice and affixed if the weather were to be poor, it's obvious that mankind craves a place where sport and contest can be showcased year-round like a cat naturally craves beef. Since the 1960s, "domed" stadiums have continued to spring up around the united states in some of the likeliest , and unlikeliest places. Heck, a large number of sports teams, if not ALL professional sports teams which play "outside" types of sports have an indoor facility where they can practice their craft if Mofo Nature becomes unruly. In addition, most major "outdoor" sports have their (bastard child) "indoor" equivalent, such as Major Indoor Lacrosse and Arena Football...What am I getting at, you ask? Well, simply put kids, I think that someone has finally taken the concept of "indoor sport" a wee bit too far...

Yesterday evening, for the first time, I played "indoor softball."

It's no secret that I live in Colorado and, unlike SOME parts of the country, we have very definite "seasons." Unfortunately, despite the fact that it's 60 and sunny today, winter here CAN be quite cold. As such, there aren't a lot of opportunities to play softball this time of year. Of course, there are those that will try , but over the long haul, it's just not feasible. I look at it this way: when the grass turns brown, it's just nature's way of telling you to hang the cleats up and...Oh, I dunno, play hockey. Or something. Anyway, a friend of mine with whom I play softball (during the months where that sort of thing is acceptable) got hooked up with a team in an indoor softball league. I didn't play with this team for their first go 'round but, when told about it, I was interested in the concept. When a new league started this time around, due to my now having Sundays free, I agreed to join the team...

I knew that those indoor soccer shoes would come in handy eventually...

This "league" is played at an establishment called "Play at the Bullpen," which is a really nice baseball and softball training facility. part of this facility includes a smallish area, roughly shaped like a baseball field, replete with "bases and stuff." I would assume that, when it was constructed, fielding practice was what was in mind for it's purpose. This area, though, is where these indoor softball league games take place. Don't get me wrong, I love to get out and play some ball, but I have to say that this area, in all it's smallish, indoor glory, doesn't make me think "great place to play a real game." The obvious reasoning for that is, well, there's a CEILING. And walls. And netting. And artificial turf. And everything is so close together that you have to use a "special" ball. Not only is this game like softball ONLY in the most basic sense but, if you haven't played before, there is really NOTHING that can prepare you for the speed and strangeness of the "gameplay." Everything about indoor softball is really very "wrong" as compared to traditional (outdoor) softball. Also, yeah, things happen pretty darn fast...

Certain modifications have been made to accommodate the smallish size of the play area such as the aforementioned "special" ball. I really don't mean special as in "unique," I mean it more like in "rides the short bus." This ball is significantly lighter than a normal ball and it's laces are roughly twice the size. It's not only hard to handle and challenging to throw, but it makes odd hops and turns on the artificial turf. The pitcher is afforded an "L screen" to stand behind, presumably so they don't get walloped by a batted ball. In theory, this is good. As it turned out, though, it doesn't always work as designed...The pitcher we faced last night had a habit of standing in the opening of the screen after he pitched and I, on my 3rd or 4th at bat, sent a (solid) line drive right back into his chest which ricocheted all the way up to the ceiling. I actually made it on base right around the time that the pitcher started to "de-fib" and, since you're wondering (and you know you are), the "smacky" sound of the impact reverberated around inside the facility for a while. I was quite proud of this, especially since my other "at-bats" to that point had been an exercise in utter futility. A lesson in "what not to do," if you will...

Oh, c'mon. I'm kidding! The pitcher was FINE...I think...Anyway...

I blame this "futility" on the stuff I mentioned earlier...The "walls" and also the "ceiling," things you don't normally have to contend with when playing REAL softball...

In addition to giving the pitcher a sound drubbing though, in an earlier at-bat, I was fortunate enough to embed a ball into the ceiling. This occured because I went after a ball that was PROBABLY a bit low, but I wasn't about to NOT swing at it. "Why," you may ask? Well...Because...You only get ONE strike per at-bat in this game. ONE...stinkin'...strike. If you happen to watch a pitch go over the plate, and it's ruled a strike, you get to walk back to the hole in the wall "dugout" feeling "shame." If you swing and don't make contact, you're (shamefully) out as well. Even if you HIT the (special ed) ball, though, you're probably going to be out, especially if you're a slow, chubby white boy like myself. Players can catch the ball off of the ceiling and off of the walls and, since everything in this facility is just too close together, if you hit a grounder, you'll probably be thrown out at first...No matter where you hit it The only thing you can really do is try and line the ball into a gap (if you can find one) and run like the cops are chasin' you JUST TO GET A SINGLE. Oh yeah, by the way, if you DO happen to get on base, you're probably going to be thrown out at second if the player batting behind you hits the ball. It's just plain screwy...Despite all this screwiness, however, I'm going to stick with it and have fun. The whole thing should not only FORCE me to lose weight, with all of it's "running," but it should make me a better hitter come Springtime. After all, it could be worse...

It could be indoor soccer...

Labels: indignities, lame stories, sports

In the immortal words of El Sid, "Enigmatic posts generate the most comments." It would seem that she was correct, as my pathetic post from two days ago, featuring a poorly drawn spirit, generated nearly 20 comments (including my replies, but hey, you gotta have that "interaction" stuff). It seems that, if I were to post a whole lot of "nothing" followed by a wee "drawing," folks would come and comment (in "droves," no less).

Or maybe not. That would get old...Anyway...

So, yesterday here at work, we were about as "busy" as we've ever been. I would even go so far as to say that we were "Gazette busy" and, for those of you who know what that means, I'm being serious. Yesterday's "busy" was bound to happen, though, because I basically cursed myself the night prior...

Collin has been off all week. As such, we're one artist short and that one (Collin) does turn out a good chunk of work. Up until yesterday, though, the workload in his absence had been "manageable." On Wednesday night, I saw Collin over at my sister's place where we were gathered for a "birthday party" of sorts for Collin's youngest kid. Collin asked how work had been going this week and I replied that it'd been ok, we hadn't been terribly busy...Nothing too "unmanageable."

I should've kept my stupid mouth shut...

Yesterday, we were literally inundated with projects that, not only needed to be done, they needed to be completed IMMEDIATELY. Everyone was scrambling to keep up and finish everything by it's deadline. Most of the projects were completed on time and all ended up being finished close enough to deadline that things didn't explode in a giant, gooey ball of sadness and/or despair. I think that it might be the first time in my 5+ years of working here that I had to shift into "Gazette gear," which was the "gear" that burned me out at the Gazette in the first place. Luckily, days like that are few and far between here. Case in point: today, I'm blogging...About work...heh.

As such, I should get back to doing that stuff called "work," Lest I end up like these poor bastards...Have a good weekend, kids!

Labels: collin crap, indignities, lame stories

I have nothing. No, no, I have LESS than nothing. My brain is as uncooperative as it's ever been. I even tried to put together a quick Monkeyesque entry just now so I could at least fill space and couldn't even do that...

I'm...um...Here's a SPOOKY GHOST! (oooweeooo)

Labels: random drawings, stagnation

Ich bin heute recht leer. Nichts zu teilen. Nichts reales aufregendes weitergehen.

OH-, Wartezeit! Ich erhielt mehr karaokescheiben in der Post! So, daß das ist.

Um. Dank für vorbei stoppen.

Labels: poor usage of foreign language, stagnation

in honor of MLK Day, I am re-posting a post which I posted in August. As you'll see, the post has "stuff" in it related with MLK day. Happy MLK day, kids...

_____


If you were to classify me based solely upon my age, you would have no choice other than to include me as a member of that "elite caste" that is commonly called "generation x." This little tidbit of information isn't something that I'll readily offer up, mostly because I simply DON'T FIT the popularly perpetuated persona (say THAT three times fast...) that "Xers" are thought (by the media and other misinformed assholes) to exude. Regardless, being that I AM an "Xer," if only by timing, I am afforded the unique opportunity to be acutely aware of the circumstances surrounding the creation of the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday. The first year that we, as a nation (sans Arizona), officially celebrated said holiday was the same year that I was in 6th grade at Widefield Elementary School.

As a "school kid," myself, and the other little "Xer" bastards, had historical facts drilled into our collective brains on a fairly regular basis, especially when such facts could be tied into an upcoming holiday. The prevailing wisdom there was that, if us kids were gonna have a day off from learnin', well then by God WE'D KNOW WHY! (Go ahead, go outside and NOT LEARN, but you'd better THINK about why you get to play...) I'm sure this isn't too much different from any generation who came before or after us, you're all probably well aware of the procedure...Leading up to Columbus Day, we learned about the Niña, the Pinta and the Santa Frickin' Maria (I hear that, if the Pinta were to be rear-ended by the Niña, it would've exploded). Leading up to President's day, we learned about Big George and Honest Abe (The Chrry tree thing: fiction. Emancipation Proclamation: fact). Leading up to Christmas, we would learn that our Lord and Saviour JESUS CHRIST died on the cross for OUR SINS, so when you're opening up those packages full of socks and underwear on Christmas day, YOU'D BETTER APPRECIATE IT, YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE ASSHOLES!..

Ok, I'm kidding. I went to a public school so we weren't allowed to learn about such inflammatory subjects (like "Christopher Columbus")...Anyhoo...

As you'd suspect, leading up to the inaugural Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King Junior holiday, all us kids got some heavy book learnin' in about segregation, civil rights and many other facts (also: minutia) in regards to the life of Dr. King. In addition, in honor of the FIRST EVER official celebration of Dr. King's life and work, our school was to plan an assembly presentation, with us 6th graders doin' the bulk of the "presentin'." Now, if you've never experienced an all-school assembly first hand, here's some quick background for ya...All of the children who attended the school, along with all of the faculty and staff, would gather in the gymnasium/cafeteria and watch the "chosen ones" (in this case, us) put on whatever little show they (we) were supposed to...well..."put on." After that, there would usually be a "second performance" in the evening for all of the parents. This particular production was no exception. We all rehearsed songs and skits that, presumably, were designed to help us sixth-grade crackers give all of the younger crackers some insight into the life, death and accomplishments of Dr. King. The highlight of our little "show" was the "closing" which, it was decided upon, should be a live reading of Dr. King's (wildly popular) "I Have A Dream" speech.

Now, I've said in the past that I'm really very "white," and I am. In fact, I bypass "milk bottle" and head straight for "total cracker," I'll readily admit that. This does not mean, however, that my schooling was void of diversity. On the contrary, I had a very "diverse" group of classmates, racially AND socio-economically. The community where I grew up is not far from a number of military bases and, as such, many different kids sporting many different backgrounds came and went. There were numerous children of every imaginable ethnic heritage at Widefield Elementary while I was in attendance. Getting down to brass tacks here, there were children at the school, in the same grade, of African-American descent available for such a speech. Why am I telling you all of this? Well, it's simple, really...

In what can only be described as a "stroke of (ignorant) brilliance," on what was supposed to be one of the most racially unifying days in American History, the staff members involved in putting the MLK Day assembly together tapped ME to read the famous speech...

I am not kidding...

Obviously, I was flattered to have been chosen for such a responsibilty-laden assignment, but I couldn't help but be confused..."Why not John Parmalee or Edward? Why me?" I inquired. I was then told that, after much thought and consideration, I was chosen because I had the ability to (and I quote) "do all of those funny voices."

No shit..."Funny voices."

Let's put this into perspective, shall we? One of the most brilliant orators of the 20th century delivers an empassioned speech dealing with deep issues such as civil rights, equality and hope during a very tumultuous time in our history at great personal and professional risk to himself and I'm supposed to re-enact it on the FIRST EVER day officially set aside by our country to recognize his accomplishments because I can do "funny voices?" Apparently, I'm supposed to approach the "I Have A Dream" speech as if I'm doing an impression of Groucho Marx, how frickin' wrong is THAT? Regardless of the circumstances, the assignment was mine, so I took on the task of learning Dr. King's famous speech as best I could. During the assembly, I was to break into the speech directly following a song, performed by other members of my class. I was told by the music teacher that, if I missed my cue, there was potential to be drowned out by applause, so I HAD TO BE ALERT!...I COULD NOT MISS MY CUE!..

"Hell yeah," I thought, "I DAMN WELL better be alert"...It's not bad enough that some chubby little blond afro-headed kid was set to mimic the greatest civil rights leader in history, but what if, all of a sudden, people could be led to believe that I was merely hanging out at the front of the gym muttering to myself and disrupting the celebration?..The potential for disaster, I estimated, was very, very real. I rehearsed my part until I was sure that I had it down and then, just 'cause I was mortified, I rehearsed some more. I was going to be READY, dammit, regardless of how odd the whole thing seemed. Soon enough, the day of the assembly arrived. At the appointed hour, all of us whiteys took our respective places at the front of the cafeteria and set to the task of celebrating the life of Dr. King via skits and songs. While all of this was going on, there I stood at the front of the gym, paper in hand, ready to orate to the masses. I was dressed in my best slacks, a green polo shirt and my black "Members Only®" knockoff jacket, my hair having been recently and neatly "picked" into a wonderfully round yellowish cloud. Just as the song, the end of which was to be my cue, "ended" and before our audience could "applaud," I spoke, using the most authoritative tone that my 11 year old throat could muster...

"I HAVE A DREAM TODAY..."

As I delivered my adolescent version of one of the greatest speeches of all time, I was pleasantly surprised to find that all of my preparation had not been in vain. The words flowed from my mouth with passion and inflection, in fact, I barely had to look at the words on the paper which I had been clenching so nervously in my hand the whole time. As I finished the speech, I felt very calm and very relieved. The other students clapped and cheered and it seemed that the whole assembly had been quite the success, as elementary school assemblies go...I now realize what an honor it was to have been chosen to read the speech, even if it was an obviously screwy thing to begin with. I had a job to do and I did it. As long as I live, I'll never forget that I had the privilege of being "King for a day."

Labels: all those funny voices, holidays, indignities, lame stories, me roots, tales of triumph

It seems that you can't swing a dead cat in blogland this week without hitting this "three-fer" quiz thing. Somewhere along the line, my seester got ahold of it and requested...Nay, DEMANDED that I be one of the next to take it. As such, and since I admittedly have nothing else to post, here it is (in all it's quizzical threesomeesque "glory.")

3 names you go by:
Derek
Asshole
D.C.

3 screen names you've had:
dknight818
dknight054
darkbookgrrl

3 things you hate/dislike about yourself.
My Weight
Hair...It's leaving me.
I'm so LAZY!

3 parts of your heritage:
Swedish
Irish
Dutch

3 things that scare you:
I don't like "Spiders" much
Pumpernickle Bread is kind of weird
Ghosts is all scary and such

3 of your everyday essentials:
Powerade
Diet Mountain Dew
Screwin' Around. (I already said I was lazy)

3 things you're wearing right now:
Shirt
Pants
My "host body"

3 of your favorite bands/artists:
The Coasters
Jim Croce
The Insane Clown Posse

3 of your favorite songs at present:
Katmandu - Bob Seger
Young Blood - Coasters
5 Short Minutes - Jim Croce

3 of your favorite songs EVER:
See above.

3 new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
Infiltrating the CIA
Infiltrating the FBI
Infiltrating the YMCA

3 things you want in a relationship (love is a given):
Things
Stuff
That other stuff

2 truths and a lie:(no particular order to keep ya guessing)
I played on a professional hockey team
I skated against a professional hockey team
I worked for a professional hockey team

3 Physical things about a love interest that appeal:
physical? oh, now, I'm a sensitive guy! It's all about personality! wink wink (tatas)

3 things you just can't do:
Long Division
Tell the "truth"
Finish this lame quiz

3 of your favorite hobbies:
Did you know that when you die, under the right circumstances, your body fat turns to "soap?" Yeah, it's true, it's called soponification! Eerie...Wait, where were we?

3 things you want to do really badly right now:
Ooh, ooh, name this movie:
"there's these people in my parents' house and they...AND THEY'RE EATING ALL THEIR FOOD!"

3 careers you're considering:
EARLY ON, WHEN...oops...Early on, when I started this "blog" thing, I had visions and dreams of posting meaningful content EVERY DAY. I think that went by the wayside on day...2...If I got that far even...

3 places you want to go on vacation:
LALLALALALALALALALALALALALA! CAN'T HEAR YOU! LA LALA LALA LALA!

3 kids names (either boy or girl):
Pookie
Shitbird
Collin Travis

3 things you want to do before you die:
I'd like this damn "quiz" to END! Holy Hell, how long IS it?

3 people who have to take this quiz now:
Mr. America
Mrs. America
All of the Ships at Sea

Labels: Done Got Tagged, me roots, pointless shit

Since these sorts of things tend to come in chunks (the past dictates it. Do not try and avoid "tradition," if you do it will hunt you down and...Do something), I present another fake advertisement. In doing so, I honor "tradition." Also, I have access to an (almost) endless array of really lousy photos that I feel obligated to use and, seriously, c'mon...I have nothing else to post today...That having been said, let's get right to it, shall we?

I've shown off an ad for "Handy Bastard" before. In fact, if people were so inclined, they could even go so far as to purchase Handy Bastard hats and shirts at my cafepress shop. To sum it up kids, this isn't the Handy Bastard's first trip to the rodeo, so to speak...Besides, he's good with tools AND a tinch burly. Do not agitate Handy Bastard...

Anyway...

I figure you'll get the idea behind the ad when you read it. I wish I could've received such clear directives (or useful ideas) from the advertising which I grew up with. I'd have been able to afford that damned "Power Wheels" thing in no time...




Again, when you click on it, it'll get all "big" and "readable" and stuff. It'll be "better" like that, trust me...

Labels: false advertising, Phun With Photoshop

I am a large fan of the Stranger Than Fiction column which runs, in my area, in the weekly liberal rag. Among other strange occurrences, this column often chronicles the actions of some of the sharper (read: dumber) criminals across the globe. In reading such accounts of criminal mastermindery, I am often reminded that people who are involved with larger crimes are routinely "caught" through their participation in the silliest of offenses. The story that follows is no exception...

By the way, I pulled this from the Colorado Springs Police Blotter, which I try and check every day. It's great readin' and it's "fun" keeping tabs on what crimes are happening and where. When I checked the blotter today, this was the top entry:

Cut directly from the blotter, my modifications and comments are in red.

Incident Date January 11, 2005 Time 2:30:00 AM Division Stetson Hills Shift III

Title Other Location N Chelton Road and Sturgis Road

Summary On 01/11/05, at approx 0230AM, Stetson Hills officers were dispatched to contact a milk delivery driver reference a suspicious silver in color cadillac, occupied 4 times. 4 different times? Or was it that the Cadillac was full, "dipped low with hard-core bruthas?" The driver indicated that he had been followed, while he was making deliveries. The (suspect) vehicle was stopped at Logan and Constitution where 6 gallons of milk at an estimated street value of $18.00, as well as assorted frozen foods were recovered. Seriously. I mean, I know that everything has VALUE...But...This is MILK, dude. "Estimated street value" indeed. Imagine a "milk pusher" comin' up to you: "yo, man, you wanna glass of milk?" is it cold? "Sho', sho' it cold. It's WHOLE milk, baby!" Gee, I dunno...All that milkfat... "What, you skeered? c'mon, man, first one's free!" During the contact it was found that the suspects were related to a call at (street address), where Sand Creek officers were investigating a Motor Vehicle Theft. Through suspect interviews as well as a reporting parties cooperation a Search Waiver was obtained, for (street address) and over 5 grams of suspected marijuana was seized. heh. Two juveniles were served and released for theft and two adult males were also arrested; one charged with Offenses Related to Marijuana-Distribution. See, to me it's obvious that the only people that they were DISTRIBUTING to was THEMSELVES...After all, they had the munchies so bad that they had to follow the Schwan's man around...Or maybe it was the Farm Crest guy. Still, they went and stole MILK... At the time of this report it is unknown how many victims woke up with no milk in their box. But would they KNOW that they'd been victimized? Seriously, some folks might not even notice...

Labels: 'round town, misguided rantings

I have, in the past, filled space on this "blog" with hastily constructed chunks of content in lieu of actual "stuff." Everyone's doin' it, why not me, right?..Of course, it seems that's all I've been doing for the past year...Hell, I dunno...

I'm not sure why, but my tiny brain has been incapable of "settling down" over the course of the last few days. I have many things that I want to accomplish, and many things knockin' around up there, including blog entries, but that damn brain thing of mine won't allow me to complete any of them, at least not to my satisfaction. As such, while my grey matter and I are at odds, I will throw a hastily constructed "fake ad" at you (and you know who you are)...I'd like to say that I've had the idea for this fake ad bumping around upstairs for quite some time, but I'd be lying. I didn't even come up with the tagline until right before I added it to the ad...I have, however, used the featured photograph for evil more than once, and knew that eventually, I'd have to use it for a fake ad. As such, I've done just that...First, the background on the idea...

Imagine if you will that there would be companies which exist only to serve the "darker sides" of things (like holidays). In this case, according to Christmas tradition, when you are a bad little boy or girl, you are to be presented (by Santa Claus, a vengeful God to be sure) with gifts of "coal." Now, imagine a scenario where said little boy or girl has been EXTREMELY bad, like "future serial killer" or "aspiring litigator" bad...Well, then, that's where specialty shopping websites such as "Peebay®" would come into play! These outfits would fill the holiday wishlists of bad little boys and girls with the exact opposite of what they wanted, surely the cruelest form of yuletide punishment...I present a "print ad" for "Peebay®" right the Hell now:




Go ahead, click on it. When you do, a larger version will appear. Then you can READ the smaller text and (hopefully) "get it" and (potentially) laugh and/or chuckle. I'd appreciate it if you chuckled. It'd make me (and my evil little brain) happy.

Labels: false advertising, lame stories, Phun With Photoshop, stagnation

Because I am the consummate "cheap-ass" and have yet to replace my old, crappy digital camera, I have for you all "scans" (yes, actual REAL PHOTOS from a PHOTOMAT! And they've been scanned on this thing called a SCANNER!) from our recent holiday trip to Las Vegas. All of the nutty, photo-related fun starts...now.

By the way, you can click on any of the pictures to see a larger version. This is because "larger" equals "better," at least that's what I'm told...



This is a photo of my wife and I taken by my wife's sister. I'm not sure if my wife had recently woken up or was simply on drugs. What I DO know is that she'll probably smack me good after she reads this...heh...Also, yes, I'm wearing a jersey that says "ladies hockey." It belongs to my wife, but admit it. It looks good on me...



Here's my wife's sister with her boyfriend Aldie. Aldie doesn't like the camera much it seems, this is why he's attempting to squirm out of the shot. This is also why, when you want to take a picture of Aldie, you have to surprise him...



...As is represented in THIS shot which was taken while we were enjoying breakfast (Vegas style) at an exotic restaurant called "Denny's"...



...or this shot, snapped while we were gamblin' at the Orleans. Note the look of "consternation" (Vegas style) on Al's face and the fact that he's wearing a jacket indoors. Aldie gets cold (Vegas style) quite often. As a bonus, if you click to look at the enlarged version of THIS photo, you can just make out what appears to be the ghost of Captain Hook in the background to Aldie's left...



And now, it's time to display photos of myself, after all I AM quite the looker (Vegas style) (wink wink)...Here I am, lounging on the bed (Vegas style) in our hotel room after being ousted from the poker tournament I played in...Note the "bee" in the background. That darn bee followed us everywhere (Vegas style) and wouldn't leave, even when we gave him money. We eventually took him in and named him "peanut." He's since found a job and is working on his G.E.D (Vegas style)...We're so proud...



Ah, yes, here I am in the hallway outside the room. You know what the MOST disturbing part of this (very disturbing) photo is? I hadn't even been drinking (Vegas style) yet...



Here I am on Christmas Eve eve, opening a present (Vegas style) at my in-laws home. I was instructed by my wife's stepmom to open this particular present "last," and it turned out it was worth the wait...They got me more of the Time Life Doo-Wop DVDs...I didn't even KNOW that there were MORE!...By the way, the DVDs? They rock AND roll (Vegas style) ...



And here we are, on the rental car shuttle bus back to the airport on Christmas Eve. I know that this shot doesn't look like much, but when you click (Vegas style), you'll get a close up view of the sign which shows who was driving us (Vegas style) to the airport that particular day...I personally took it as a good omen. I guess the fact that we arrived home (Vegas style) was good enough...

And, that's it. Well, to be truthful there ARE more photos from the trip, but the ones you see up there are all that I feel like sharing/have the time to scan. Perhaps more pictures will follow (Vegas style) at a later date. Of course, if you applied the same logic, it's also possible that I will win millions of dollars via the lotto. Either way, there you go...Enjoy!

Labels: get outta town, Phrickin' Photoblogs

I got to looking at my sidebar (It's that "thing" to the left there) while "clicking through" to other "blogs" (and stuff) and realized that I was overdue for a wee bit of "housekeeping." As such, I rearranged some linky things a bit, denoted which blog links are retired (or broken) and tidied up the Hockey Whoopass Jamboree section (it's way at the bottom). in doing the last operation mentioned, I realized that I had been "remiss," which is not something that I should be "proud" of. Now, I'm not fully convinced that anyone's actually PAYING ATTENTION to the whole whoopass jamboree thing, but I am a man of my word, contrary to what some dirty Chiefs fans think...As such, I shall now display the logos of the teams which took the (mighty) Hershey Bears to the proverbial "woodshed" over the last month (or so)...Ready? Here we go:



On December 4, 2004, the Portly Pirates of Portland (Maine, I assume) edged the formidable Bears 4 to 3. As such, I owe "Nic" the above logo...



On December 12, 2004, The Lowly Lock Monsters of Lowell smacked the living crapola out of the Chocolatey Bear Cubs, winning 4 to absolutely nothing. As such, the above display of logo-related bliss is owed to "Kin."



On December 15, 2004, The Sullen Sound Tigers of Bridgeport made Ursa Major go out back and cut his own switch, as it were. They then proceeded to beat him as if he were a redheaded stepbear. Final tally: 4 to 1. The result of THAT game means that I owe the above logo to "Tuning Spork."



Finally, so that certain people will cease to believe that I am a nefarious schemer who will not keep his word (even when he doesn't remember giving it), I display the (classic) Kansas City logo above. As thoroughly "awesome" as it is, It would certainly be more appropriate (if not totally awesome) if the Injun fella' were carrying a set of golf clubs. After all, 2 teams from the AFC West made the playoffs aaaaand...Them Chiefs weren't one of 'em.

Did I mention that Brian Leifker kicked my ass, and the collective ass of everyone who competed in "Monkey Ball," which was a fantasy football league that I was "commissioner" of? The whole thing is disturbing, really...Still, way to go, Brian. We'll make you suffer next season...I swear it.

Well, kids, now that I have all of THAT out of the way, I should get some of the work which I get paid to do...done...Or something...Adios for now, Muchachos!

Labels: hockey stuff, indignities, sports, stagnation

I'm not feeling well today. I am "sick." Are you "sick," too? Did you pass along whatever you have and make me "sick?"

If you did, I will hunt you down...

Anyhow, I hope that everyone had a splendid New Year celebration. Mine was fun,...My wife, my sister, Collin, Collin's Brother and I all got together for New Year's Eve at my parents' place to play some poker and other games, including "Rock and Roll Triviologies," which is an enjoyable game, albeit rather challenging. There wasn't much drinking, at least not on my part, as my New Year's header would've suggested, I just didn't feel up to it...

The night before, on Thursday, I actually saw a movie (in a "theater," no less). My wife and I joined Collin and my sister for Napoleon Dynamite which, once you get past the first 15 minutes or so, is certainly worth witnessing. It's a hard film to describe, just suffice to say that, if you don't laugh at SOMETHING when you're watching it, check your pulse. You might be dead.

I had to work at the radio station on Friday and, for the first time in 10 years (or so), I was in charge of the "noon request hour." I have to say that it was a lot of fun, especially when my sister called in to request her favorite song and I just threw out my stock answer "We'll see what we can do for ya" and hung up...

I DID eventually play her song, but apparently she had stopped listening by then. Ah, cruel fate.

I set up the karaoke equipment on Saturday night so that my wife and I could sing some. I took it upon myself to record some of the things that we sang, but I doubt that any of them will end up on the ol' blog. You find out real quick that, when you playback the recording, no matter how good you thought you might be singing, you're no American Idol...

Sometime after the singing, and before waking up on Sunday, I became "ill." Most of yesterday I was pretty useless and I'm still feeling poorly today, as I already mentioned. Watching the Broncos beat the Indianapolis second-teamers into oblivion made me feel a little better, but having to play hockey later on (it was a playoff game) didn't serve me very well. We lost, but it's just as well. I'm finally done with the Chapel Hills Mall ice rink and, after 8 years, I'm done with the team that I played on there.

I should probably at least attempt to do some work today. Wish me luck. Happy new year to you all.

Labels: collin crap, holidays, lame stories, radio stories, Singing Off-Key