Wow. I'm lame. It's been a few days since I thought to post anything on this sad little blogsitething. You know, it's not for lack of inspiration (or even "stuff") in this case, it's just been a lack of "time," really. I had pictures all ready that I was hoping to share on Friday and...Yeah, never got around to posting them for your collective visual enjoyment. I also have a video that depicts what happens when my parents come over to play Wii Sports (my mom has trouble figuring out the VCR, so imagine how she dealt with the Wiimote). Indeed, there were moments of hilarity and yes, I should have put that up for you kids to chuckle at, but I haven't. Yet. Again, it's a time thing. Maybe Thursday or Friday, howsabout that?

Anyhow, now that I've gotten that out of the way, I'd better get back to the workin'...Oh, wait...I do have one more thing...Yesterday, as you are all likely aware, was MLK day and, since I already had it written, I touched up my (old) entry about my having read the "I Have A Dream" speech when I was in elementary school and sent it into the Penn Jillette Show. I didn't expect much but damned if Penn didn't read the whole stinkin' thing (and it really was a long email) on the air. The podcast of yesterday's episode should be available soon so, if you've ever read my blog entries and thought "that's nice, but it'd be better if a big hulking juggler were reading this for me" (you know you have, don't lie), well...Then you're about to get your wish. I'll at least link the episode as soon as it becomes available. Until then, you crazy kids have a great Tuesday...

***Update - The episode is now available for download if you click here. It's the January 15, 2007 episode and my letter/story is read in the last break (with about 12 minutes to go).

Labels: audio, famous folk, lame stories, me roots, pointless shit, stagnation, tales of triumph

And so, while the sleeping giant that is the phrickin' photoblog continues to lie dormant, I shall thrill you kids with quite possibly the lamest of the Friday posts...That's right, I'm going to acknowledge a "tag" from another blogsitething...See, Mark Maynard (whom I've never really read) "tagged" our old buddy Collin (even though he linked him incorrectly when he did it) on this and, ever the dilligent little monkey, Collin tagged me. As you well know, I usually dismiss such "tags" with a disdainful wave of my (mighty) hand but...Well...Since I have nothing else for you today...Let's get this over with...
*ahem*
Derek Knight Presents: Five Things You Likely Do Not Know About Me

1. I love the smell of gasoline.
Now, don't start shouting to your significant other (or your 17 cats) "hey, that cheese boy is a gas huffer!" I am decidedly NOT a gas huffer, I simply find the smell of gasoline to be enjoyable if not (dare I say) comforting. It's hard to explain, really, I guess that my earliest recollection of enjoying the smell of gasoline was when I was maybe 3 or 4, sitting in the backseat of the family's 1969 Dodge Coronet while my mom filled up (likely at the Skelly station on Main street which is now...What is it, a Walgreens?). I think I even mentioned that I liked the smell that was emanating from the pump to my mom who, with a horrified look on her face, instructed me never to smell gas again...That clinched it, of course...The sultry smell of 85 octane was the forbidden fruit of my youth...

2. I worked at a strip joint.
But I was young and I needed the money. Seriously, when I was 19 (maybe 20) and working at a local radio station, one of the other DJs (a real dickhead named Randy) told me that he was picking up extra money DJing at a place called Jerry McNasty's. He then told me that they were short staffed and that I should go talk to "Chucker," who hired all the DJs there...Even though I was underage (I stopped getting carded when I was 17), I agreed to go talk to this "Chucker" and see about playing music while chicks that I likely went to high school with shook their c-section scars for immigrant construction workers on lunch break...Chucker turned out to be a shaky paraplegic radio-jock-turned-strip-club-DJ with a bad attitude. Despite all that, he hired me on the spot and, for one day (I just couldn't handle the crust of despair that was all over McNasty's) I was a strip club DJ. "Get your hands out of your pockets and your tip dollars ready, Gentlemen! Here comes long-legged, lovely ROCHELLE! No, really...Get them out of your pockets..."

3. I'm actually an only child.
My sister was adopted. Oh, sure, she'll refute this up and down (as will my parents) but don't listen to them. Sister. Adopted. All the way.

4. I have one of the worst speech impediments I've ever heard.
I'm not kidding about this. When I was 5 and first in school, I (like all the other students) was put through a battery of tests...Being the sharp little bastard that I am, I aced all of them with the exception of the speech test. My mom was told by the individual administering said speech test that I had a "click" in my speech and that I needed speech therapy which, of course, I took part in for at least 4 years during school. I never did get over this "click" that the school identified, mostly because I couldn't actually hear it and nobody would TELL me where my specific problem area was. After all this, I largely forgot about my speech problems until I was 18. While recording some off-the-cuff parody songs with a friend of mine, I heard on the playback (for the first time, mind you) that damn "click" that the school personnel had identified so many years earlier. When I heard it, I was devastated...I suddenly realized that I sounded idiotic, I couldn't say "ch" or "sh" sounds without mashing those sounds up into a spitty mess...For the first time in my life, it was terribly clear why the Speech lady at my elementary school had told my mom that I'd never EVER be able to participate in any form of public speaking...As you can imagine, I was horribly self conscious from that point on about my speech and, even after getting a job at a local radio station, I couldn't seem to shake my impediment...I tried to simply avoid saying things like "chubby checker" or "chuck berry" but it was no use. I tried every possible remedy I could think of to no avail until one day I realized that, if I substituted a "ts" sound for the "ch" sound and said it quickly, I suddenly sounded less idiotic if not damn near normal...In a single moment of clarity, I had identified the specific part of my mouth that caused my stupidly specific speech problem! I admit, It took a good long while to retrain myself, but now I speak with both clarity and confidence. Since "fixing" my speech impediment, I've not only worked on-air on (at least) 5 radio stations here in town but I voice commercials for radio and television which run in just about every media market in the country and I've been a public address announcer for a professional hockey team...Never going to be able to speak in public, my ass...

5. I tried, but failed, to get on Jeopardy®
A few years ago, I visited the Jeopardy website and saw that, at some point, they were going to hold contestant tryouts in Denver. Ever the eager nutcase, I registered for the chance to try out and then promptly forgot about it. A few months later, though, I got a call from the Jeopardy people telling me that I was randomly selected to participate in the big contestant search. Believe me, when I heard that, I was elated! I agreed to be at the Downtown Westin at whatever given time on whatever given day to be part of their testing. The deal is, you (and a hundred of your closest friends) first take a written test (of sorts). Those that pass said written test then go on to play a mock game of Jeopardy and THEN, those who succeed at that portion are placed into a "contestant pool" for whatever season is upcoming. I felt that it was a foregone conclusion that I'd succeed in all phases of the testing and, leading up to test day, I would play Jeopardy at home, tracking my correct answers and, essentially, continuing to feel confident. The day of the testing came and, even though I was absolutely sure that there were no possible scenarios wherein I could fail, after the written test when the chubby producer fellow called the names of those who would move on to phase two, mine was not among them. I have to say, even though I stayed calm and didn't show it, I hadn't felt so devastated since...Well, I don't even know when. I learned a valuable lesson from that day, though...Well, I learned a couple of things...First: don't get your hopes up. Second: READ CHARLES GODDAMN DICKENS! You never know when someone is going to ask you a STUPID Dickens question...SHIT! DAMMIT! AAAAAAAAAA. Er...Ah...Yeah. So that's it.

And yes, that really is it, 5 things that you didn't know about me. Likely, 5 things that you didn't care to know about me either but hey, it's Collin's fault for tagging me, right? I plan to NOT tag anyone for this little assignment, mostly because I love to watch things like this die. DIE A SLOW DEATH, 5 THINGS POST! So yeah, thanks for stopping by today...You kids have a great weekend now...

Labels: collin crap, Done Got Tagged, indignities, lame stories, me roots, pointless shit, radio stories, stuff mom's done, tales of triumph

Sometimes, when we're busy, we post things that we don't have any explanation for. Like this:

Seriously, though: tomorrow is Awesomecast day...So that shouldn't suck...Too bad...

Labels: Phun With Photoshop, pointless shit, stagnation

The Avs lost to Detroit...Colorado College lost to Minnesota...The Broncos lost to Pittsburgh...

Sometimes things just don't go the way you think they should. Embrace the blackness, the purple will return tomorrow... did I REALLY type that!? How lame. Look, I'm pissed off so I turned out the lights. Hopefully someone will trip and fall and I'll laugh and feel better.

damn...

Labels: misguided rantings, pointless shit, sports

You know, with the holiday season currently upon us like a pack of ravenous weasels tearing at the flesh of a carcass approaching swiftly, I had in mind to post a nice, reflective holiday piece which would chronicle the many wonderful Christmas seasons that I've shared with friends and family...

But I decided against it, 'cause that would just be "sappy"...

Nay, Instead of a heartfelt post today, I aim to share with you the fact that I just updated my Christmas list (hooray, fireworks, wailing, gnashing of teeth). It's linked on the sidebar there or, for those of you too lazy to move your mouse hand over that way, you can also get there by clicking here...

Of course, I realize that this is really a moot point since anyone who is actually going to buy me a gift this Christmas has either already done so, or isn't computer savvy enough to access my wish list without feeling a great deal of irrational anger...That notwithstanding, I did accomplish one wee little thing by typing this information up and posting it...

I filled space...So ha...Ha ha...

Oh yeah, you can also see what my wife wants by clicking here...Same rules apply, except for how people seem to like her more than they like me...Go figure...

Labels: holidays, misguided rantings, pointless shit

I am back. I had fun in Las Vegas. I ate way too much (really good) food. Updates (and things of that nature) cometh soon. For now? Dentist's appointment...

I hope you all had a happy Thanksgiving, except for our Canadian friends. To them, I say: "Happy random week in November."

Labels: get outta town, holidays, I eat food, pointless shit

Just a wee little post here to let all of you (fine) folks know that I will be "out of town" for the next 4 days. As such, expect no posting from me. In my absence, I encourage (and implore) you to go and participate in my most recent contest...

Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving holiday!..

Labels: get outta town, holidays, pointless shit

So, I know that it's been a good long while since I posted ANYTHING worth a damn here, but I am quite busy as of now. While I would love nothing more than to thrill you kids with some sort of overtly entertaining content, I really have to settle for giving you a crudely drawn representation of a pointing hunchback...

Now you all have a fine Tuesday now. And stay out of trouble, dammit...

Labels: cartoons n' stuff, pointless shit, random drawings, stagnation

I've often considered the neighborhood where I work as one to be regarded with "caution." Granted, we haven't had any shootings or vehicle break-ins that I can recall, but there happens to be a cluster of less-than-desirable housing units located just on the other side of the fence from the agency. It's kind of odd, considering that we're located up on top of a mesa with a great view of the city (prime real estate, by all accounts)...Just down the road to the west is a newer housing development with houses ranging into the high 300's (as the Realtor cats and kittens say). There are a number of businesses and a Montessori school up on the mesa with us as well but, when you toss in the mental health outpatient facility and the aforementioned cluster of shitbox apartments and duplexes and...well...You get some real "winners" walkin' around, if you catch my drift (and I think you do)...

Anyhow, over the weekend, I stopped in after my shift at the radio station to grab my MP3 player from my desk so I could troubleshoot my wife's MP3 player (her's was having trouble recognizing the new 512mb drive I bought for her). When I pulled up, This was what I saw: click to enlarge and all of that

I saw something which appeared to be a Ken doll sitting on the 1,600 lb. picnic table which has been redesignated as the smoking area here at the agency. My first thought was that some of them shitbox apartment kids had been playing with the doll and forgot about it. As I ventured closer, however, I see that Ken was most probably left intentionally as opposed to "simply forgotten"...you know, clicky...


He's...um...He's naked (save for his painted-on loafers). In addition, He appears to be holding something in his left hand there...What the Hell?...Let's take a closer look, shall we? click'em, uh huh


Oh dear Lord...He's...He's naked and...Well, since Ken is not anatomically complete, it appears that whomever left this doll on the table simply replaced his..."parts" with a twig...Of some sort...I'm...um...I'm certainly going to be scarred for life...

Now, you are too...Have a fine Tuesday.

Labels: Phrickin' Photoblogs, pointless shit

So, it's "Monday." not a whole lot happening today that would be worth mentioning except that I am quite pleased with the fact that the Broncos (soundly) defeated the Jaguars in Jacksonville. Also, because it helped me immensely in fantasy football ON TOP of the fact that I just flat out "hate them Chiefs," the Eagles embarrassing Kansas City at Arrowhead, coming all the way back from a significant deficit to win the game, gives me a warm feeling, deep down inside...

Anyhow, as is probably already apparent, I have unveiled my new header for the month of October (that thing at the top, there). Also, as you can see, I finally got around to figuring out that whole "web palette" of colors so shit matches now! Yay for me...

Well, kids, I'm gonna go and do...um...something...you all have a wonderful and productive Monday...

Labels: pointless shit, sports, stagnation

click it so that you can read it.

bonus points (and maybe a prize) to the first person who can translate it.

Labels: cartoons n' stuff, pointless shit, poor usage of foreign language, stagnation

In lieu of actual "content," I present to you (yet another) inexplicable poster. Enjoy!

Happy tuesday, everyone! Now just keep it down, will ya?

Labels: Phun With Photoshop, pointless shit, spoof posters, stagnation

You know, as much as I love to give you people actual content or, at the very least, crappy little stories about Wal*Mart, there are days (a lot of them, recently) wherein all I can give you are these weird-ass posters. Hell, it doesn't really matter...I know you love these things. Sure, they don't generate any comments or anything, but deep down, I know that THIS is why all four of you keep coming...back...

Anyway, here: click it, it gets bigger, ya sure you betcha


OK, there's that. You all have a fine Thursday and stay out of trouble. I mean it this time.

Labels: Phun With Photoshop, pointless shit, spoof posters, stagnation

I got a whole lot of "no post" goin' on today but, just so's you all don't feel so "cheated" when you come around, I am going to string some letters together, form a sentence or two and place it all right here. Ready? Here we go...
-----
With all of the furor over the NCAA banning any and all "native american" mascots, I figured that it was high time that I weighed in on the subject. Frankly, why should these schools drop everything and change mascots just to appease a handful of people who claim to be offended? I mean, really...What is it about these things that really pisses them off so much? Just think about it, mascots are chosen as symbols for athletic contest because they're either regal, noble, feared, fierce or all of the above. They're not chosen to poke fun at a particular ethnic group, on the contrary, they're chosen to honor them. As such, until these idiots grow up and stop claiming that everything that references native americans in any way is offensive, we here at Action Cheese News are adopting our own native american-themed mascot. Yes, kids, until further notice, this blog will be known as "the Son of Cheese: home of the (fightin') One-Sixteenth Cherokee."
-----
I saw a skunk the other day. I crossed the street to get away from it because, at the time, I was dressed in a manner that can only be described as "sharp" and didn't want to get sprayed because then people would be all like "yeah, he's a snappy dresser and all, but I don't like his cologne."
-----
Speaking of being "sharply dressed" (we were), my wife bought me two new pair of shoes over the weekend. This may not sound like much, but seeing as I've pretty much had the same pair of dress shoes for nearly 10 years, this really is a major event. It's not funny, or in any way entertaining, but it's worth sharing. Why? I don't know. It just is. Trust me.
-----
As you all know by now, my wife and I have a hand-me-down coffee maker which we received from my parents. Now, I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I think that the damn thing is "broken." I mean, I plugged it in and sat and waited, but it never "made" any coffee. I just hung around, waiting for it to spit out some of that ground-up coffee that I've seen at the store, but it never did. Of course, if it ever DID spit out some coffee, I'm not sure what I'd do with it...Should I have some water boiling just in case? Please advise.
-----
I like puddin'. Puddin' is "good.
-----
Collin and I installed one of them there "first-person shooter" type games on our computers so that, at lunch, we can engage in digitally deadly, head-to-head, commando-style "combat." You know, there's really very little that's more satisfying than putting a digital sniper bullet into the digital head of one of your co-workers and then gloating about it (digitally, of course). Granted, "Dogmeat" (Collin) has a score advantage on "Sgt. FuckNut" to this point, but believe me...Things will even out soon enough...
-----
I have it on good authority that Wilford Brimley is a "jerk." I don't know if that's relevant information or not, but I just thought that I'd pass that along.
-----

Labels: collin crap, misguided rantings, pointless shit, stagnation

gorsh...I wish I had real "content" to give you all. Sadly, all I can present today is this: (click, big, yeah.)

I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE TRUCKS TO ROUND THEM UP! THEY'LL SURELY BREAK THROUGH BEFORE THEN!

I'm scared...

Labels: Phun With Photoshop, pointless shit, spoof posters, stagnation

Except this...Click it, it gets all "big" and stuff.

Who says things have to make sense? Certainly not me...

Labels: Phun With Photoshop, pointless shit, stagnation

So, the last time that I was really REALLY strapped for content, I whipped out another half-assed Early Reader Cover that turned out to be disturbing to more than one of the four of you out there...Granted, the needles and stuff sticking out of the poor kid perhaps could be seen as a little disconcerting, but...Well...

Never mind...

What I'm getting at here is that I'm ready to "bust out" (as the kids say) another of those friggin' things...Here we go with Primer 6: That's Not Food! click, it gets bigger.

So there's that...Be on the lookout for the next one of these stupid things, surely to be brought out and put on display the next time that I'm completely desperate for content...Have a fine Thursday, kids!

Labels: Phun With Photoshop, pointless shit, stagnation

Labels: cartoons n' stuff, pointless shit, poor usage of foreign language, stagnation

And I don't have much more to say past that...See you all tomorrow, kids.

Labels: cartoons n' stuff, pointless shit, random drawings, stagnation

Today is one of those days when I'm just not feeling inspired...I COULD write about what happened over the weekend, but I don't want this to turn into a friggin' livejournal or anything...I'm still working on a few things, audio content included, but just saying that doesn't bring the sweet, sweet audio to your starving ears, now does it?

No...No it does not...

Since I'm sure you're (by now) feeling "short-changed" by this crappy entry, I present to you giant gorilla:

Remember, if you cannot move your product or service, try a giant, inflatable Gorilla. Frankly, that's kind of an unofficial motto of sales: Where all else fails, "Giant Gorilla" sells (insert any product here).

I like the look on my gorilla's face there...It's kind of a "hey, guys, guess where I found THIS" type look...And, no, I don't want to know where it was hiding.

Have a good Monday, kids. You've no doubt earned it by now.

Labels: cartoons n' stuff, pointless shit, stagnation