Electric Fences Make The Best Neighbors.
Hey, guess what? It's Thursday...Hey, guess also what? I had absolutely no intention of posting an illustration for this week's Illustration Friday theme word ("neighbor," by the by). As such, considering that I appear to be posting something for the theme word (I am, too), you kids may be asking yourself "what changed your mind, Derek?" Truthfully? Collin posted something. Damn him. As such, I'm posting too. It's quick, it's dirty and, best of all, it's right here:
clicky to see the bigger image

So there you go. As always, thanks for stopping by. You kids have a fine Thursday now...

Labels: Illustrations, random drawings

And so, we finally see the light of Thursday. Actually, 'round these parts, it's a particularly blinding light due to all of the snow and ice which the sun is able to reflect off of this morning. See, we had a nasty little snowstorm yesterday which means that today...Well, let's just say that it's slow going on the roads...All of that noise, though, won't stop me from providing you kids with (yet another) half-assed Illustration Friday effort...No way...In fact, this week's effort is SO half-assed, I didn't even take the time to do any finishing work...This week's theme was "communication" and this little fella' is doing just that...Communicatin'.
click him, he'll get much bigger

As always, thanks for stopping by...You kids have a fine Thursday now.

Labels: Illustrations, random drawings

You know, I want desperately to write something...ANYTHING that would be post-worthy today but it seems that my fetid headmeats refuse to cooperate with such an endeavor. I mean, I guess it wouldn't be the WORST thing in the world to leave the stupid video post from Friday up until tomorrow (when, of course, the newest Awesomecast installment would be posted) but...I guess that simply by posting what I even have so far of THIS pathetic little entry, I've negated that thought entirely. I could type about my weekend but...Frankly, there's not a whole lot to talk about outside of cleaning house, mowing lawns and doing laundry. I mean, sure, I watched some football and had a couple of fantasy football drafts but...I'd have to work a lot harder than I'm even capable of to turn that kind of crap into a post...

So no...I don't really have anything to say today. Yeah, I know, the Crocodile Hunter guy died just like we all thought he would, placing himself in harm's way and saying "crikey" and stuff but, now that it's actually happened, it suddenly doesn't seem as funny as I figured it would...

So I guess this will have to do for today...Ok, this AND a crude representation of the White Spy from the Prohais classic strip Spy Vs. Spy:

So there you go, kids, thanks for stopping by...You all have a fine Tuesday now...

Labels: lame stories, random drawings, sad stories, sports, stagnation

And yes, there was much food consumed. I have much to share with you fine folks but I'm not sure when I'll be able to organize it all. For now, though, perhaps you'll all be happy with a crude sketch of someone expressing "surprise."

See? He's "surprised," much as I was when my meal came out when we ate at Hash House A Go Go...Oh, you've never HEARD of that place?..

you will...

Labels: get outta town, I eat food, random drawings

Yep...Just like that fortune cookie says, NO PICTURES FOR YOU! Nope, no way...I'm done with the Photoblogging...Forever. Seriously, shoo! Go! Nothing to see here!..

Oh, ok, fine. You want the little pictures? I give you little pictures. Hell, I'll even give you a THEME! The theme: "People that I have worked with." Happy? Good...here we go.
click them and make them HUGE!


Aww, shit! It's a ToMo the Mofo sighting! Tony worked with us for a while and, as this here wanted poster suggests, for some reason, he took great pleasure in molesting the plush toys which I used to keep at my desk. No, I'm not kidding...MO-LEST-ED...Anyhow, after I posted this around the agency, the plushy attacks slowed down for the most part. They didn't STOP, mind you, but it sure slowed him down a bit...


This here is a caricature of that same Tony which I did for a card which everybody signed congratulating him for gettin' hitched...I kind of feel bad for the way I portrayed him in this cartoon: I shouldn't have been so flattering...Ah well, live and learn, right?..


Ah, here's someone that STILL works at the agency. As you can well imagine, this is "Surly Scott," who gets a bit cranky if he hasn't had his nap. Ok, fine: truth be told, I really don't know how I got lucky enough to snap this shot, the guy is usually smiling...You gotta act fast sometimes and, dammit, I did...


Ah, but you want to speak about SURLY...Unbridled anger, thy name is Nicole. Nicole worked with us in the art department for a while a couple years back...Hell, you could SO CONSISTENTLY count on her to be angry (and mean!) that before she left, I was able to record her "performing" her "stock epithets" and turn it into a (very angry) techno dance mix...What, you think I'm KIDDING about such things? You wanna LISTEN to that remix? Here you go:



Ah, but enough of the angry, surly employees...Here's a very placid Collin, possibly reminiscing about...Something...Or maybe he's just drifting off to sleep...The big, autographed Alan Jackson poster would do that to people..."You are under my country music spell...sleep...sleeeeeeep."


Ha HA! Of course, who can forget the time when Collin saved me from certain doom at the hands of random Japanese robots! Ah, good times...

Anyhow, there you go: yet another half-assed photoblog cobbled together with (digital) spit and (digital) baling wire. You all have a fine weekend and, as always, thanks for stopping by...

Labels: audio, cartoons n' stuff, collin crap, indignities, office supply aggression, Phrickin' Photoblogs, Phun With Photoshop, random drawings, stagnation

Holy smoke, it's FRIDAY (yay) and not just ANY Friday, but the Friday prior to the Memorial Day holiday here in the good ol' U.S. of A...As such, keeping with the grand tradition of folks loadin' up the Family Truckster and heading on vacation during this upcoming weekend (something which I am NOT doing, by the way), I'll be sharing some photos of myself during past vacations with you for today's Phrickin' Photoblog. I know you're all bloated with anticipation regarding said photos so I shall delay no longer! BRING ON THEM PHRIDAY PHOTOS!
When you click, they'll grow and your sad, fatigued eyeballs will have an easier time discerning "detail."


This here was from our trip to Niagara a few years back. That's me, there, pointing to the falls. Aren't they majestic? That was a fun day...Too bad we had such a low-end digital camera with us that day...


Ooh, this was a fun day! This was from our trip to Cleveland a few years back...There I am, excited as can be, 'cause we're about to go inside the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame! Again, I'm a little disappointed in the quality of the actual "photo," but...Well, just ignore that for now...


Ooh, yeah, this was later in the same vacation, when we were visiting Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio. Here I am, scared out of my mind, riding the Millennium Force, which is an amazingly tall coaster. Whew! THAT was a fun day, lemme tell ya...


...And speaking of "fun days," here I am visiting the Great Pyramids! Yeah, that was a hot and dry day...The sun, it was beating down MERCILESSLY...What's that? You don't think that this is an actual picture? Hey, shut up! I was THERE! I was SO THERE...Fine, moving on...


And here's a picture from when we visited the alternate universe, completely populated by overly aggressive cinnamon rolls and I had a hook for a hand! That vacation was...OK...Fine...So I forgot to scan some pictures for the big Photoblog Phriday and I tried to pass off some way half-assed scribbles as my pictures. So sue me...

Wait, no...On second thought, don't do that...

Anyhow, you all have a fine Memorial Day Weekend - Thanks for stopping by!

Labels: cartoons n' stuff, get outta town, Phrickin' Photoblogs, Phun With Photoshop, random drawings

And, kids, it is Friday. Yes, while I was unable to post up a photoblog for all of you to enjoy last week, I aim to post one THIS week (you know, like...today). Certainly, today will be the conclusion in the (now infamous) 3-part series wherein I present little kids' drawings of my wife, the teacher. I know that, by now, you're all on the collective edge of your seats so I shall make you wait no longer...THE DISTORTION BEGINS NOW!..
click 'em, they get bigger


Ahh...Yes...This one is...Um...Interesting...Big club foot, offset hips. small, innefectual t-rex arms (what the heck is that, like a folded over bean to represent her chest?)...Big thick neck and...well...A skull for a head...This kid's morbid...


AAAAAAA! DON'T LET IT GET ME! DON'T LET IT EAT ME! I think what I like most about this one, despite the fact that it represents my wife as extremely scary (also: menacing) is that it really captures her classic sucker technique "I want a hug." Indeed, this is usually the pose which my wife will strike JUST BEFORE she strikes. Like a damn Cobra. Watch your ass...


Ok, so...When EVERY OTHER KID in the class gets it right and gives my wife tiny, ineffectual t-rex arms, EXCEPT THIS KID, what's THAT say? Seriously, this looks like Cindy Lou Hoo meets the melty Toht from Raiders of the lost ark...Nice sweater, though...


Ooh! Ooh! I get THIS look ALL THE TIME! That, kids, is the classic "look of disdain" and, I have to say, this kid captured it in all it's insolent glory. Actually, now that I look at it, this drawing is pretty good. This kid has a future...Way to go, kid!


Ooh, spooky ghost teacher! Seriously, this looks like one of the cheap special effects on that Ghost Whisperer show...Gaze into her empty eye sockets! Observe her chiffon dress! Man, that's spooky...


Ooh, what long legs you have, teacher! And...um...Nice receding hairline...And such plentiful organs! Here we see how my wife stays healthy: SHE INGESTS THE ORGANS OF THE WEAKER ONES! Look, if I've learned NOTHING ELSE by watching cartoons, I have certainly learned that more organs equals more human. Still, this one's weird...


Finally, we wind up our tour o' kids' drawings with what may be the most disturbing one of all. Is it the fact that her right hand is not a hand, but a flower? Is it the fact that blood spatter (or is that "cast-off?") adorns the front of her smock there? Is it the menacing "evil scientist" type face? Regardless, this one may give me nightmares...

So that's that, kids...Thanks for stopping by, have a great weekend and we'll see you later...

Labels: indignities, Phrickin' Photoblogs, random drawings

Hey, hey - it's Friday! - and time for (yet another) Phrickin' Photoblog Phriday! I'm way on the side of busy today so I'll have to keep the intro and fanfare short. Today, we've got more of the teacher portraits as done by the students (like last week). Of course, in this case, the "teacher" in question is my wife and the students are of a very young age. LET'S GET ON WITH THE DEMENTED FUN!
click 'em for XL sized distortion


STARTING AT INSIDE LINEBACKER FOR TEAM "I LIKE YOU!" NUMBER 57! TEACHER LADY! Bulky bulky bulky! That's all I can say about this one. I imagine that she has no trouble keeping this particular kid in line...I'd obey her too if she were really that broad in the shoulder (also: narrow in the hip. Everyone knows you don't give no lip to Mrs. Squatchy).


Much like last week, here we see another portrait done by a child who obviously plays with those Bratz® dolls. My wife is depicted as a bit shorter in this drawing but with a choker-style necklace and three evil spirits inside her belly. I'm also very fond of that all-too-familiar "look of disdain" on her face. This kid NAILED that look...Nailed it...


I see "love" as a constant theme in the drawings, regardless of how much of a noseless monstrosity the students see my wife as...I guess that's good...


This one rocks hard...


When I first saw this one, I nearly lost control of all of my faculties because I was laughing so hard. After I calmed down, however, I realized that, despite the blocky, robotic, "I'M GONNA GET YOUUUUU" body, this kid really captured my wife's happy, smily face look. At least she's got a nose in this one...


This one is actually so dead on accurate (right down to the head proportion in comparison to the body) that I'm thinking about pulling this kid out of school and hiring him (or her) to do all of my projects here at work...Rock...and...Roll...

So there you go, kids: yet another round of the little kiddy drawings...I found out (lucky for you) that I still have enough to do EVEN MORE next Friday (I know you all collectively just peed yourselves in anticipation). Anyhow, you all have yourselves a fine weekend...

Labels: indignities, Phrickin' Photoblogs, random drawings

Holy crap, it's Friday already! Certainly, what with the mediocre crap that I've attempted to pawn off on you good people in the days previous, it really is high time that I put together a post which will make you all not regret wasting the 2 seconds (or so) that it took you to click through to my blogsitething. While today's Phrickin' Photoblog may not actually BE such a post, it won't be for lack of effort...

As you may or may not know, my wife makes her living as a schoolteacher, charged with the unenviable duty of shaping and molding very young minds. One of the projects which the students are assigned each year by the art teacher at this "school" where my wife works is to put together a drawing of their respective teacher and my wife's students are no exception. What follows in today's photoblog is part one of "portraits of Mrs. Squatchy."
Click them, they get much bigger. Also, before you feel compelled to email me and tell me that I'm ripping someone off, or whatever, I'm well aware of that Maddox clown's "I'm better than your kids" post-thing and no, this post is in no way a ripoff of that.


AAAAAAAAA! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, IT'S THE WATERMELON CREATURE! SAVE YOURSELVES! Oh, wait...That's supposed to be my wife in all her (watermelony) glory. Now, despite the hostility that she appears to exude in this student's drawing, I do like the minimalist color scheme (the other kids must've grabbed all the good crayons) and, actually, the head and face aren't TOO far off...


This one may well be my favorite, as it exposes my wife for the angry Tyrannosaurus Rex that she really is. Observe the deadly teeth, the cold, murderous glare and those tiny, ineffectual arms! (sung) Watch out boy, she'll chew you up!..SHE'S A MANEATER!..


Hey, it's the Mayor of Halloween from the Nightmare Before Christmas! I didn't realize that my wife has Tim Burton's kid in her class...I also didn't realize that she like...TOTALLY RULES over Halloween...That's so friggin' AWESOME...


Ah Yes...It appears, in this child's estimation at least, that I am married to a very tall Bratz® doll that sports a (tasteful) faux fur coat. The best part about this particular drawing, though, has to be the caption at the bottom: "I like (teacher) because she lets us eat food everyday." Indeed, the only reason ANYONE receives "food" is because my wife allows it to be so. DO NOT CROSS HER! Certainly, the only reason that I even woke up today is because she chose to spare my life while I slumbered...I really hope I get to "eat the food" today as well...I live in constant fear...


OH YEAH! It's (motherfucking) KOOL-AID MAN! Or...Woman...Either way, OH YEAH!


Sorry kid, as mucch as I'd like to give you high marks, I'm the one with the goatee, not my wife. Also, what's with the nasal cavity where the nose is supposed to be? Did she get her nose bitten off in a skirmish? A skirmish over "food," perhaps? Regardless, you can see from this drawing that she's full of "love." Indeed, she wears her heart on her sleeve...er...Chest...Right under her goatee there...Yep...All full of the love...


Mr. Cheese Boy Man? Yes, please come with us, there's been a horrible accident. Yes, we're sorry, it's your wife, at least we think so...It appears that she not only became tangled in some machinery of some kind, but we're afraid that she's sprouted a "penis." Just come with us, sir...We have to warn you, it's not pretty...

So there you go, a little taste of how my wife appears from the perspective of a very small, school-age child...Now, as long as my wife continues to allow me to live AND "eat food," I'll do my best to remember to share the rest of these drawings with you next Friday. Regardless, you all have a fine weekend, filled with "food" and "sunlight" and "being allowed to live" and stuff...

Labels: Phrickin' Photoblogs, random drawings

OK...So the lights are back on and everything's back to being "bright" and "cheerful." I'm probably not going to get around to posting anything of substance until tomorrow but, just to placate you all, I will give you a crudely drawn sketch of a skull (I know, so out of character)...

Enjoy the skull for today. Tomorrow: more with the audio...

Labels: cartoons n' stuff, random drawings, stagnation

And so, 2005 has packed up and left us like so many an estranged (insert synonym for "partner" here). While I'd love to sit here and wax poetic about the last year, I can't. Hell, I went back through some of the junk that I posted in 2005 with the intention of doing a "best-of" retrospective thing and (surprise) I realized that I didn't do much of anything worthwhile all of last year...

Yay me.

In light of my obvious deficiencies in the realm of entertainment, I shall present to you all a distraction in the form of a crude sketch (the first such cop-out of 2006!):

Hey, don't forget: postage goes up next week...Get them stamps used up (like, maybe by sending out "thank-you" notes to all of those people who thought of you 'round Christmastime. Unless you celebrate something else. um. Then you may just...well...) Anyhow, use up your stamps...Thank you.

Labels: cartoons n' stuff, holidays, random drawings, stagnation

More food-related updates are in the works for you fine folks. I'm not lying: it's just kind of slow in coming today. Until then, I give you: the Amazing Levi-Foot

Labels: cartoons n' stuff, random drawings, stagnation

So, I know that it's been a good long while since I posted ANYTHING worth a damn here, but I am quite busy as of now. While I would love nothing more than to thrill you kids with some sort of overtly entertaining content, I really have to settle for giving you a crudely drawn representation of a pointing hunchback...

Now you all have a fine Tuesday now. And stay out of trouble, dammit...

Labels: cartoons n' stuff, pointless shit, random drawings, stagnation

That's right: big time singin' and drinkin' at my place tonight. So, if you live here in town (and you know where I live), you're invited...Starts around 7pm...

I know, I know...It's not polite to talk about a party that not everyone is invited to...To ease the pain (and to serve as a distraction), I give you a (poorly drawn) depiction of some sort of cannibal headhunter guy...

So there's that...Enjoy your Thursday, kids!..

Labels: cartoons n' stuff, random drawings, Singing Off-Key