Holy DOGSHIT...There were times when I thought this dumb little podcast would never even come close to 100 episodes...We have, however made it to that magical round number that everyone seems to celebrate. In honor of this achievement, I've put together a tiny retrospective that highlights some of the funnier and/or prouder moments from the show...Certainly not a comprehensive tribute to our mediocre effort, but it's something to listen to nonetheless. SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR! Click that purple banner and GETS TO LISTENIN'!

Labels: audio, awesomecasts, collin crap, dad's stories, lame stories, podcasts, tales of triumph

It is with a marked lack of fanfare that I have let this blog die. Additionally, despite going out on a celebrity interview high note, it would seem that I have unconsciously chosen to put the ol' awesomecasts to bed as well. To be honest, my indifference to taking time out of my day to write about my day began long before I was laid off in January. Hell, it'd been more than a year since I treated this site with enough respect to update it regularly. I simply have more important things to do than "blog." And yet, here I am. Blogging.

So how have you been? Myself, I've been alright. You see, it's almost June and June will mark 6 months that I have been without gainful employment. If anyone would have told me in January that I'd still be without full-time employment at this stage of the game, I'd have likely shat myself out of sheer, brain-melting worry. I never expected that unemployment would drag on this long, but I guess I also never could have forseen the definite indifference that potential employers have shown towards me. There was a time when I considered myself talented, even useful. I'm sad to say it, but that time has faded into memory. It's a cruel thing, being unemployed in a town that collectively seeks to devalue not only your industry but your wealth of experience in said industry. Days blend into weeks which blend into months and 5 months pass you by as you sit, day after day, slowly becoming an even more unemployable pile of whiskers and blubber. Just. Let. It. End. For God's sake, just let it end.

So anyhow, it's baseball season once again and I find myself part of the MSBL Colorado Springs Cardinals, a slightly souped-up version of last year's Cubs with a healthy chunk of the dead weight jettisoned and some great new additions in place. We had a great turnout for our first game, a game that we won rather convincingly given the zeitgeist of the team...Everyone was excited, everyone was on top of their game, the pitchers pitched, the fielders fielded, the batters batted. Oh, what a sight that was for sore eyes. And then...Well, since then we haven't exactly been able to recapture that same magic. In fact, in the three games which have followed that first game, the Cards have literally had their asses handed to them. Or us. Or whatever. Short story: we have yet to win a game other than that first one. But it's still fun. Except my batting average sucks a big one compared to last year. Need to hit the cages some more...Anyone have some spare change?

So my on again off again relationship with the ol' Pub Quiz seems to be back on. Oh, right, I never mentioned that the Oscar's quiz was given over to another Quizmaster after a month. Jesus, I should update this thing more often...Anyhow, despite this setback, it looks like I'll be taking over the quiz duties at Porky's Beach Bar indefinitely. The quiz is on Thursdays, come see me. The burgers really are great at Porky's and holy crap, you could win prizes.

Max is growing exponentially and learning new things everyday. And he talks with his hands. HE'S ALSO THE CUTEST BABY EVER:


Hey! Look! A truck MADE OF HAM:


Anyway...I can't think of much else to post here, especially given the low number of warm bodies who will actually set eyes on it. Freak Train is coming up very soon. I should have stunning video of it as long as key people don't flake out on me. Anyhow, enough of this...It's time for bed. As always, thanks for stopping by...You kids have a phenomenal 3rd quarter now...

OH YEAH, I forgot to mention that I did something both handy and manly over the weekend. I built and installed a new gate. Seems the old post had rotted away and the old gate was kind of crap so I built a new one. That went off with only one instance of mild electrocution (I blame the age of the circular saw). I then set to the task of removing the old post (anchored by 3 feet of concrete that I had to dig up). As was my suspicion, the post was weak. So weak, in fact, that it snapped off in my meaty hands well before I had enough concrete exposed. While trying to loosen said concrete, I inadvertantly drove two rusty nails into my calf. It bled. I had to get a tetanus shot. Kudos to the wife, too, she suggested I use my truck to pull the concrete out and it frickin' worked. Anyhow, yeah. I built something. And it's level. And I only almost killed myself. That is all.

Labels: indignities, lame stories

So there are a couple of you (you know who you are) who continue to berate me for not posting things here on the ol' blog (specifically that podcast that we've had in the can for a couple months). I admire your tenacity and futile belief in me, especially since this thing has all the appearance of having been completely abandoned like the remnants of some uninhabitable irradiated town that you might find if you looked hard enough in the desert right before you dropped from heat exhaustion (and radiation poisoning, dummy). True, you could revel in your über-awesome detective skills while the buzzards circled overhead for 20, maybe 30 minutes if you're a particularly hardy soul, but what then? Huh? Fine work, Encyclopedia fuckin' Brown, NOW who's fixin' to die? Wait, what the fuck were we talking about here? I got off track...Anyhow, yeah, I guess I should start trying to make up for my glaring shortcomings by giving you kids something which you didn't specifically ask for...A random update-filled post...

I'm Still An Unemployed Bum, But At Least I'm Workin'...
It's true, I have yet to find gainful, full-time employment in any of the career fields in which I claim to excel, but I HAVE been picking up just enough freelance work (including working a couple half-days a week at the agency that laid me off) to fuck up my unemployment check eek by on the bills and things. Don't get the wrong impression, though, ain't no one gonna start puttin' in bids on my house and possessions just yet...Things haven't reached that level of "dire" at this point, but I'd SO rather find some manner of full time work so I can return to my former lifestyle of luxury and excess...You know, the lifestyle where I don't have to stock my freezer with Totino's Pizzas and/or the wife and I can go out to eat without nagging thoughts about the mortgage payment ruining the evening. Truth is, jobs are few and far between for everyone and I'm not the only "creative professional" out of work in this area. I'm thinking that freelancing full time may be my future. Anyone need a website? How about a logo. can I interest you in a direct mail campaign? No? How about a replica Rolex?

I Have A Couple of New Websites to Visit...Give 'em a Look!..
www.derekknightcreative.com
www.derekknightisfunnygoddammit.com

What The Fuck Good is LinkedIn When It Never Loads?..
Seriously, it never loads up for me. What the Hell is wrong with that site?

All Things Being Equal, I Prefer To Vanquish Strangers...
So, given that I have a newfound amount of time on my hands and that I'm also "open to new challenges," everyone's old buddy Collin sent me some info about a month ago about an organization called Geeks Who Drink looking for Quizmasters to run their Pub Quizzes in various locations INCLUDING Colorado Springs. The requirements were pretty simple...Quizmasters need to be able to speak clearly on a mic in a bar, deal with being harassed by drunken PhD candidates and also own a laptop and digital camera (you know, so you can blog about all that crap afterwards). The info noted that the gig pays just enough (including a bar tab) to make doing it worthwhile (did I mention the bar tab?). I consider all of the aforementioned (including using up a bar tab) within my specific skill set, so I sent in an "application." I didn't think much of it until last Monday when I got a call out of the blue from the Geek in charge. Seems he was running a bit behind in contacting people, but he wanted to know if I could audition later that evening at Jack Quinn's. After a bit of hemming and hawing, I agreed to be at Quinn's at the appointed time to show off my skills in front of a crowd. When I told Collin about it, he said "oh yeah? Justin has an audition tonight too!" personally, I thought that this was a wonderful break! Having a friend at the bar in the same boat would take some of my crowd-and-stranger-hating trepidation away! I called Justin and told him of the news and, strangely, he didn't share my enthusiasm right away. "You...You're the other guy?" he asked, right before shouting expletives. Justin explained to me that he got the call last week about auditions and was told that it would be him and "one other guy." Apparently, Justin (unemployed just like me) had been feeling confident enough to buy a laptop leading up to audition evening whereas I was given so little notice, I didn't have time to be too terribly anything. Eventually Justin agreed that it'd be fun having such friendly competition and that we could stick around and play the quiz together (which we did) I thought Justin did pretty well during his audition and he thought the same about me. I really wanted Justin to get the gig, but I wanted the gig too...As it turns out, I was the one hired on to be Quizmaster on Sundays at Oscar's and Justin wasn't. I was simultaneously excited for myself and sincerely sorry for Justin when I got the call telling me that I was chosen...Hey, in every kind of contest I enter, I love to win. I prepare to win. I play to win. This is a new thing for me, though...When winning comes at the expense of someone I actually like, I feel kind of weird about it, know what I mean?

Anyhow, weirdness aside, I went through quite the abbreviated training schedule with the other two Colorado Springs Quizmasters, observing on Wednesday and performing the quiz on Thursday...On Sunday, it was my first crack at full-blown, solo quizmastering since the old days of "Noon Name That Tune" at Graham...All things considered, the quiz went pretty well. It's a new venue for the quiz on a night not typically set aside for drunken brain olympics, but I think it'll catch on. Overall, given the whole "bar tab" aspect of my new part-time employment, I couldn't be happier about the placement. After all, Oscar's serves things like crawfish ettoufée...CRAWFISH, BITCHES! Fuck YES! So come out and play the pub quiz on Sundays at 7:00pm...No cost to play and your team of up to 6 diversely knowledgeable people can win gift certificates...On top of that, it's totally in vogue to go to work on Monday with a hangover and smelling like fried shrimp. Seriously, you could look it up, but why waste the effort when I've already told you how cool it is. You want to be cool, right? RIGHT!? Yeah, that's what I THOUGHT...

Sometimes, Even When You Don't Want To, You Have To Spend Money...
So this whole freelancing thing has forced me to use the desk in our back room a whole lot more. As you may imagine, things like this go hand in hand with sitting in a desk chair. As some of you know, I'm a notoriously cheap bastard and there are just some things I don't like dropping a lot of money on. A desk chair for home use has been in that category...The first desk chair we bought was one of those 40 or 50 dollar Wal-Mart jobs: About as sturdy as a plastic crate and probably just as comfortable. It lasted a year, maybe, before it started to list like the Andrea Doria...Finally, it went into the trash and a dining room chair was repurposed as the desk chair. None of this mattered much, at least to me, because I spent very little time at the desk. Eventually, I was able to rescue an old conference room chair from meeting a dumpstery fate at the agency I used to work at...Granted, the chair was thickly upholstered (in hindsight, I may have been singularly blinded by that), but it was definitely in disrepair...It was missing the cylinder with which you could change the height of the chair which meant that it had very limited stability...Again, not a big deal to me, because I only really sat in the stupid thing for awesomecasts (and we all know that I hadn't done much of that recently)...Now, though, with the aforementioned salvage chair receiving daily use, sometimes for hours on end and always by someone of my considerable girth, it's lack of structural integrity was causing me legitimate concern...At any moment, I believed that the whole thing could collapse, sending my fat ass through either the glass top desk or the sliding glass door next to the glass top desk...Both scenarios had me thinking "severed artery" at the very least and, to be honest, my copious assmeats were becoming increasingly sore from the marathon balancing sessions. "No more," I thought. It was time to buy a chair...I first looked at Sam's Club, since you're led to believe that things are so cheap there. Sadly, I found the chairs ol' dead Sam Walton offers to be "not quite comfortable enough" for the price. I then set my sights on an office furniture store on the north end of town that was going out of business and "taking all reasonable offers" in a vain effort to clear out their overpriced shit. After trying to ditch the salesleech that crawled onto my back as soon as I entered the joint by sitting way too long in every chair on the floor and leaning precariously far back in most of them, I found a chair I liked. I offered $110 big American dollars for a reasonably comfortable blue chair with adjustable arms. Leechboy was visibly offended by my price estimate and told me to "try tripling that." After announcing that only a 'tard would pay 300 (US) for a fabric-upholstered medium-back desk chair, I walked out. My chair options dwindling, it was decided that American Furniture Warehouse would be the place to buy...Historically, while their selection and prices are hard to beat, I've avoided going in because it was inhabited by the most predatory of sales people. Why, back in the day, you'd consider yourself lucky if you made it 12 feet without being accosted by some member of the sales staff with apparently little else to focus on but YOU. Times have changed, however, and it was like pulling teeth to get someone to take my money on our most recent visit. Finally, though, some skinny bitch stopped hiding in the bathroom long enough to let me buy the reasonably comfortable leather chair that I'm sitting in now. I didn't really think the process of buying a damn chair would be this hard, and I was hoping to not have to put the thing together myself ('cause I suck at that kind of thing) but it's done. I spent money without a job and my ass thanks me for it.

So I guess that's about it for now...I really should get to bed so I can enjoy another day home with my son tomorrow...You kids have a fine rest of the week...As always, thanks for stopping by.

Labels: indignities, lame stories, tales of triumph

Ok, yeah. I know that Wednesday is supposed to be reserved for the podcastings. Look, it's almost midnight, alright? I JUST got the videos from last night's Freak Train chopped up and uploaded. I am NOT staying up to edit down the podcast. I'll get it done later. No rush. Nobody's going to go into shock that I didn't get something done. Anyway, here's a look at what I did last night. 3 jokes, people. That's what I had. 3. I guess that's all I needed...



And, as a point of reference, Justin:



So there you are. You kids have a fine Wednesday now. Also: Find me a job. That is all.

Labels: Bad Stand-Up Comedy, Freak Train, lame stories, spoof commercials

Hey! Hey! Look! Monday is a day off for some people! It's MLK day! Because I'm too lazy to write anything new pertaining to this holiday, I shall post a reworking, of sorts, of a post which first appeared on this blog way back in 2004. This very reworking was read almost word-for-word by Penn Jillette on his now defunct radio program. The actual text for your readin' pleasure follows, but for those of you who would prefer to be read to, you can hear Mr. Jillette's interpretation right here:

---
When I was in elementary school, leading up to the inaugural Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King Junior holiday, all us school kids got some heavy book learnin' in about segregation, civil rights and many other facts (also: minutia) in regards to the life of Dr. King. In addition, in honor of the impending FIRST EVER official celebration of Dr. King's life and work, our school was to hold an assembly presentation, with us 6th graders doin' the bulk of the presentin' in question. Now, if you've never experienced an all-school assembly first hand, here's some quick background...All of the children who attended the school, along with all of the faculty and staff, would gather in the gymnasium/cafeteria and watch the "chosen ones" (in this case, us) put on whatever little show they (we) were supposed to...well..."put on." After that, there would usually be a "second performance" in the evening for all of the parents. This particular production was no exception. We all rehearsed songs and skits that, presumably, were designed to help us sixth-grade crackers give all of the younger crackers some insight into the life, death and accomplishments of Dr. King. The highlight of our little show was the closing which, it was decided, should be a live reading of Dr. King's (wildly popular) "I Have A Dream" speech.

Just so's you know, I'm really very "white." In fact, I bypass "milk bottle" and head straight for "total cracker," I'll readily admit that. This does not mean, however, that my schooling was void of diversity. On the contrary, I had a very "diverse" group of classmates, racially AND socio-economically. The community where I grew up is not far from a number of military bases and, as such, many different kids sporting many different backgrounds came and went while I was in school. There were numerous children of every imaginable ethnic heritage at the elementary school I attended. Getting down to brass tacks here, there were children at the school, in the same grade, of African-American descent available to read such a speech. Why am I telling you all of this? Well, it's simple, really...

In what can only be described as a stroke of (ignorant) brilliance, on what was supposed to be one of the most racially unifying days in American History, the teachers involved in putting the MLK Day assembly together tapped ME to read Dr. King's famous speech...

I am not kidding...

Obviously, I was flattered to have been chosen for such a responsibilty-laden assignment, but I couldn't help but be confused..."Why not John Parmalee or Edward? Why me?" I inquired. I was then told that, after much thought and consideration, I was chosen because I had the ability to (and I quote) "do all of those funny voices."

No shit..."Funny voices."

Let's put this into perspective, shall we? One of the most brilliant orators of the 20th century delivers an empassioned speech dealing with deep issues such as civil rights, equality and hope during a very tumultuous time in our history at great personal and professional risk to himself and I'm supposed to re-enact it on the FIRST EVER day officially set aside by our country to recognize his accomplishments because I can do "funny voices?" Apparently, I'm supposed to approach the "I Have A Dream" speech as if Dr. King were a cartoon character, how frickin' wrong is THAT? Regardless of the circumstances, the assignment was mine and "no" was not going to be accepted as an answer, so I took on the task of learning Dr. King's famous speech as best I could. During the assembly, I was to break into the speech directly following a song, performed by other members of my class. I was told by the music teacher that, if I missed my cue, there was potential to be drowned out by applause, so I HAD TO BE ALERT!...I COULD NOT MISS MY CUE!..

"Hell yeah," I thought, "I DAMN WELL better be alert"...It's not bad enough that some chubby little blond afro-headed kid was set to mimic the greatest civil rights leader in history, but what if, all of a sudden, people could be led to believe that I was merely hanging out at the front of the gym muttering to myself and disrupting the celebration?..The potential for disaster, I estimated, was very, very real. I rehearsed my part until I was sure that I had it down and then, just 'cause I was mortified, I rehearsed some more. I was going to be READY, dammit, regardless of how odd the whole thing seemed. Soon enough, the day of the assembly arrived. At the appointed hour, all of us whiteys took our respective places at the front of the cafeteria and set to the task of celebrating the life of Dr. King via skits and songs. While all of this was going on, there I stood at the front of the gym, paper in hand, ready to orate to the masses. I was dressed in my best slacks, a green polo shirt and my black "Members Only®" knockoff jacket, my hair having been recently and neatly "picked" into a wonderfully round yellowish cloud. Just as the song, the end of which was to be my cue, "ended" and before our audience could "applaud," I spoke, using the most authoritative tone that my 11 year old throat could muster...

"I HAVE A DREAM TODAY..."

As I delivered my adolescent version of one of the greatest speeches of all time, I was pleasantly surprised to find that all of my preparation had not been in vain. The words flowed from my mouth with passion and inflection, in fact, I barely had to look at the words on the paper which I had been clenching so nervously in my hand the whole time. As I finished the speech, I felt very calm and very relieved. The other students clapped and cheered and it seemed that the whole assembly had been quite the success, as elementary school assemblies go...I now realize what an honor it was to have been chosen to read the speech, even if it was an obviously screwy thing to begin with. I had a job to do and I did it. As long as I live, I'll never forget that I had the privilege of being "King for a day."

Labels: audio, lame stories, me roots, tales of triumph

Hey, Merry Christmas! Look, I'd go about wishing everybody a happy whatever they celebrate but...Look, I don't have much time here. To sum up: hope you had a great time. And got what you wanted (or at least what you deserved). Today is my son Max's first Christmas EVER and, since he's currently sleeping off some of the excitement, I figured I should at least TRY and post something. So here goes.

Up until I became a parent, I was always incredulous as to why anyone would want to have their little baby sit on Santa's lap. These situations, I estimated, never ended well and simply served to tie up the jolly fat elf when he could be devoting those precious seconds to an older child who could AT THE VERY LEAST articulate what they might want under their tree (or in their stocking) come Christmas morning. Best case scenario? You get a once-in-a-lifetime photo such as the one Pat Angello was lucky to capture last Christmas. Worst case scenario? You end up with this:

See, the agency that I work for has, since 1985, celebrated Christmas for the kids of the employees in a very generous manner. There's a Santa and a present from Santa and games and activities. For obvious reasons, I've not participated in said party until this year. To tell the truth, I wasn't planning on participating this year because I figured that Max was too young to appreciate it. I acquiesced to the pressure to bring the little guy, though and was hopeful that we'd have the same results as Pat. Not so much, as you can tell.

Hey, remember when I braved sub-zero temperatures and pushy, booger-nosed chicks on Black Friday to score a washer-dryer set for next to nothing? Remember that? Yeah? Good, remind me about it come March when I've likely forgot all about it because THAT'S WHEN THE GODDAMN THINGS ARE SCHEDULED TO SHIP. That's right, kids, I chose to purchase the washer and dryer that ALL OF AMERICA (and probably half of Mexico) chose as well, which has put the factory so far behind that our big Christmas gift will end up feeling like a nice birthday gift right before Spring. Oh well, at least we still have a working washer and dryer. Not like the poor bastard behind me in line who needed one THAT DAY 'cause his washer had "taken a crap" as he so eloquently put it. He's probably still making regular trips to the laundromat. Sucker.

Hey, you know what? I've actually been asked by TWO SEPARATE PEOPLE (count 'em! Two!) to get some more podcasts online. Far be it from me to ignore the clatter of the clamoring masses, so...Yeah, We'll get to that eventually. Stay tuned.

Hey, my wife won the last poker tournament that I had. Way to go, Squee.

Holy shit, Meme! I completely ripped this thing off from Diana. It's long. It fills space. Here it comes...
Rules: Simply bold the stuff that you've done. Adding stuff is my bonus gift to you.

1.Started your own blog Duh. How else would one post this stupid thing?
2. Slept under the stars - oh...no. I mean, I've slept (fitfully) in tents in the past, but never outside with nothing above me but the stars. That's just irresponsible. You could get rained on.
3. Played in a band because playing trombone in the school band in 5th grade totally counts.
4. Visited Hawaii - the owner of the agency I work at intimated one time that I was "no kind of man" because I had never been to Hawaii. I still have yet to reclaim my manhood, based on that standard. The way things are going, it may take a while...
5. Watched a meteor shower Leonids! 1998!
6. Given more than you can afford to charity - no. Simply put: no.
7. Been to Disneyland in 1980. I've also been to Disneyworld
8. Climbed a mountain - I don't think so. I mean, not on foot, at least.
9. Held a praying mantis - nope.
10. Sang a solo karaoke and/or Freak Train totally counts.
11. Bungee jumping
12. Visited Paris Paris on the Platte, a stupid little coffee house in Denver. That's as close to Paris as I'll get in THIS lifetime.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea - this sounds very cool. I should endeavor to make this happen someday.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch cartooning.
15. Adopted a child.
16. Had food poisoning can't even count the number of times.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables when I was a kid, my sister and I had a little garden. I grew carrots. They tasted like dirt.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked only as a joke while cleaning up a stretch of highway as part of the Adopt-A-Highway thing in high school.
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill just once, but it wasn't like "calling in well," it was something to do with Max.
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb not a live one. And not a whole one. Piece by delicious piece as I put them into my belly. God, I love lamb.
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse OF THE HEART! heh. No, of the sun. And the moon. A couple times.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run both the inside and outside the park variety.
32. Been on a cruise a wee riverboat excursion on the Mississippi while visiting St. Louis. So kind of, not really.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person and up close via the Maid of the Mist. It was awesome, in the literal sense of the word.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors - I would love to. Haven't got that far yet.
35. Seen an Amish community we visited Amish country in Pennsylvania in the summer of 2007. It was kind of quaint.
36. Taught yourself a new language I now speak LOLcat. And shut up, that totally counts.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied I'm not sure what the person who wrote this question had in mind, but just being able to do something fun if I choose to qualifies in my mind. So sure.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing sort of, in 6th grade.
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke can't even count the number of times.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant - I had to think about this. I thought that I had, but come to find out, I haven't.
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight - only during the day.
46. Been transported in an ambulance - not yet.
47. Had your portrait painted - only done in marker, not paint.
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkelling
52. Kissed in the rain - if I have, it wasn't terribly memorable.
53. Played in the mud I'm sure I did. I don't remember doing it, but I'm sure I did.
54. Gone to a drive-in theater as recently as the late 1990s.
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business we'll be talking more about this in the near future.
58.Taken a martial arts class
59.Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check ah, yes. I was wondering if I'd get to say "yes" again and then here comes an example of completely irresponsible behavior. In my defense, I had overdraft protection, but the bank was still all pissed off.
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy just about a week ago, even. I didn't have the heart to throw away my Popeye's Dyanamite Music machine.
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial - skipped this while we were in D.C.
71. Eaten caviar first time was when I was about 8. I remember that it tasted salty.
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job just the telemarketing thing.
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone mine or someone else's? Either way: yes.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle it was probably speeding, 'cause the speed limit was only 20.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person from an airplane.
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car it was a truck, actually.
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Qur’an
86. Visited the White House - SO FRICKIN' CLOSE! We were supposed to get a tour in the summer of 2007, but stuff fell through. Oh well, maybe next time.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating - you'd think that I would've done this, but somehow this experience has escaped me to this point.
88. Had chickenpox sadly, over Spring Break. GYP!
89. Saved someone’s life - not to my knowledge.
90. Sat on a jury - I haven't, but have always wanted to. I haven't even been summonsed for jury service. EVER!
91. Met someone famous more than a few times.
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one haven't we all?
94. Had a baby I didn't do the hard part, but he's mine, nonetheless
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit and I was none too pleased about it, let me tell you.
98. Owned a cell phone a few of them, actually.
99. Been stung by a bee - never. And it's not like I haven't put myself in harm's way, I used to wade into bee clouds and slap at them. How have I never been stung? Divine providence, perhaps or could just be dumb luck.
100. Read an entire book in one day NFHS wrestling rules. I had to cram!

So there you go, an entry. Hot shit. Until next time, you kids behave. And have a happy holiday season.

Labels: holidays, I'm A Consumer Whore, indignities, lame stories

Given all the stupid crap that I will do (and have done) at a moment's notice without giving a serious thought to consequence, it may come as a surprise that there are a great many things that I do not or will not do. Well, to be fair, there are a damn lot of things that I'm simply not fond of doing and I find that avoidance is just as good as any method when it comes time to deal with the aforementioned "such things." Case in point: I harbor an intense dislike of crowds of people, especially crowds of people that seem focused on a singular goal. Soccer fans, concertgoers, China...You get the idea. Anyhow, because of this, I do NOT camp out to buy things (like some of you fuckers have done in the past for sweet, sweet Wiiness. You know who you are) and I do NOT go "shopping" on Black Friday (Or Schwarz Frietag, as it's fondly referred to by our Aryan brothers and sisters). I say it every year, I would be hard pressed to participate in the madness, lining up in the freezing cold even before the sun rises, following the other sheep into the store at 5 o'clock in the Goddamn morning, pushing, shoving and jockeying for position to make sure that I can procure the latest gadget so as to elicit the undying devotion of whomever I deem worthy to bestow it upon. No way, not this fat kid. I like to sleep way more than I like communing with the unwashed masses, or the inherent thrill that only the perception of somehow saving money by shredding my dignity to dive in and become a consumer whore the day after Thanksgiving can bring.

Until now, that is...There's a first time for everything...

You see, a couple of weeks ago, I decided that I would get a new clothes dryer as a Christmas gift to myself and the wife. It's not that the dryer we currently have does a poor job, it's just that, true to form, I went cheap when I purchased the thing (along with it's special sibling "the washer") back in 2001. Because of my miserly ways, and while the dryer's capacity may be great, it's features are limited. Case it point, there is no "low" heat setting. There's "high" and "medium" but no "low," which I'm convinced is causing some of my clothing (especially the ones labeled "tumble dry low") to shrink up gradually and look "all funny."

And no, It couldn't possibly be because I'm fat...No no, it's the fault of the major appliance in the back room. Keep up, will you?

Anyhow, Yeah. A new dryer. I had done some research on dryers and was all set to spend as much as 700 or 800 American dollars on a significantly more functional model when the wife pointed out a television commercial touting the oh-so-wonderful and mindblowing deals which Sears (and his dead homie Roebuck) planned to offer on Friday, November 28. Stores open at 5:00 AM! Quantities Limited! Hurry in For Best Selection! Washer and Dryer Combo for only $599 American Dollars!

Wait, what!? six-hundred bucks for a dryer AND a washer? And it doesn't suck? It dries clothes on low? The washer is one of them-there new fangled FRONT LOADER models!? Holy SHIT! You say all I have to do is be at my local Sears store when the doors open at 5:00 AM!? I'M IN!

And despite my history, I WAS in. Begrudgingly in, but "in" nonetheless. Following a wonderful thanksgiving meal at my parents house on Thursday (and a rousing session of the Game of Things with several members of my family) the wife and I went home and made sure I set my alarm for somewhere around 4:00 IN THE AM this morning. In an impressive display of steely resolve, I only hit snooze one time. One trucker's shower and a pair of sweatpants later, I had enough time to go outside and warm up my truck while I knocked freshly fallen snow off of it. I was confident that I would not come home from the hunt empty handed! I would BUY that washer-dryer pair! I would drive around back for pickup! I would have the greasy guy with the hand truck load the spoils of victory in the back of my tiny truck! I would drive home oozing pride, twin cardboard-clad monuments to my shopping prowess announcing to the rest of the motorists that I was, in fact, their better in every imaginable way!..

Of course, the appliances being currently "back-ordered" kind of foiled all of THAT noise...Still, though, I was able to buy what I came for. I was handed a receipt for what I lost at least 4 hours of sleep for. I was given a not-so-solid timeframe as to when the items I braved truly frigid temperatures for would be back in stock...

But hey, a win is a win.

As an aside, very near where I was in line, waiting my turn with the other sheep like so many snot-nosed kids waiting to burden a mall Santa with their extensive lists of holiday needs, except our goal was to get a precious minute or two with the poor appliance guy that was ringing up one backordered appliance after another, there was some fat lady and her husband trying desperately to purchase a large television with what turned out to be an expired Sears card. Predictably, she demanded to see a manager when the transaction didn't go through and, when the manager explained that he couldn't simply "swipe the card again," she became irate and started making a scene. "I'VE...WE'VE BEEN HERE SINCE TWO THIS MORNING AND IF I DON'T GET WHAT I CAME FOR, THERE'S GOING TO BE TROUBLE" she shouted. I turned, looked at her and half-shouted "you got a big fuckin' booger on the end of your nose!"

You know...'Cause she SO did. Hey, the manager laughed. When I left, receipt in hand, she was still there, trying to open a new line of credit (at 5 in the morning) and yes, the booger hadn't budged.

Labels: holidays, I'm A Consumer Whore, lame stories

Ask any parent worth a damn and I would wager that they would agree with me: one of the best parts about having a little baby rolling around the house is the sound of gleeful, infantile laughter. The wife and I are quite fortunate that Max is a happy baby and, as such, he doesn't skimp on the giggles when something tickles his fancy. We've had occasion to roll film, as it were, on a few of his "episodes" and, since I'm in a posty mood, am prepared to share a short clip with you kids...Being that we're so close to Halloween, our home is playing host to a handful of spirits which trickle in as they rise from the grave. Not the least of this spectral briagde is the ghost of Dumbo, a long dead Disney character. Max and ghost Dumbo enjoy the roughhousing, as you'll see when you press play on that embedded video right there:

You (the viewer) are instructed to pay no attention to the fat humanesque arm that appears to be attached to ghost Dumbo's back...These phantom classic cartoon characters are quite adept at possessing humans and willing them to do their bidding, up to and including placing bets at the dogtrack, running to the 7-11 for smokes and beer and, you guessed it, attacking little 7-month-old babies.

I Hear That Train A-Comin'...
So since Max crawled out of my wife to join us in the material world (late February, for those who like keeping track of such things), I've not been up to Denver to enjoy the fun and insanity of Freak Train. I do miss it more than a little bit, but just haven't found it feasible to go, what with all the other things going on...I do, though, plan to go up for this month's show on the 27th since the past two October Trains have seen the Spooky Singing Ghost return from the grave and a tradition like that, well, far be it from me to break it. Last year, I was fortunate enough to have had the assistance of guitar virtuoso "Scary" Terry Gonzalez. In an earlier entry, I mentioned that Terry was diagnosed with lung cancer in May. To update things, Terry's through Chemo and is thankfully doing better. despite the progress, I can't imagine asking him to accompany me to do a goofy little stage show which is so trivial by comparison to the challenges he's facing. As such, I've not decided exactly whether I'll be the spooky singing ghost (replete with specially mixed backing track) or the spooky standup ghost this year...Methinks, though, that a comedian the caliber of the Spooky Standup Ghost needs a seltzer bottle and an armoload of cream pies. Or jokes. Anyone itching to write jokes?

Anyhow...

I do have Freak Train-related Good news, though...Fresh off of his inaugural gig as a kids' birthday party magician, our old buddy Justin plans to make the trek up to Denver with me...Perhaps he'll bust out some big-time stage magic for us...I'll have my video camera at the ready just in case...

So How Many of You Fuckers Are on Facebook?..
Unlike MySpace , which I arbitrarily capped at 54 friends as an homage to the most perfect number in all the land, I'm not limiting Facebook acquaintances. See, I call them "acquaintances" because "friend" sounds so presumptive. After all, the majority don't write, they don't call...Anyways, this whole spiel means that, if you're reading this AND you have a Facebook account AND we're not ALREADY friends on Facebook, you should add me. Like I tell people on LInkedIn: My friends network has pie. Who doesn't love pie? You love pie. Hell, you love it carnally when nobody's watching. Admit it: you're a clandestine pie humper.

Wait, where was I?

Oh yeah, Facebook. Add me.

So that's enough for now. As always, thanks for stopping by. You kids have a great Tuesday now...

Labels: Baby max, Freak Train, lame stories, vaunted videoblogs

Sure, this will be another post about why I never post. I guess you write about what you know and all I know is that I never seem to have enough time to sit and write. Or read. Or several other things which I may or may not have done before Max came along. don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that my boy has ruined anything for me, quite the opposite, really. Having a rapidly growing little baby of my own design in the house has simply served to reorganize my priorities (which is just a nice way of saying "the baby takes up x-amount of time, outside of which there is precious little left over for anything non-baby related). Speaking of the baby, here are some recent pictures of him for you to peruse and ooh-and-aww at:


The boy is now currently pushing 8 months, but this photo was taken the day he turned 7 months. As you can see, Max simply cannot believe he is that old. This, in my opinion, is a good visual representation of what the originators of the interrobang had in mind.


Apparently overals and a red shirt can turn even the surliest of infants into little bundles of joy. This is not to say that Max is surly. Not all the time, at least and certainly not while wearing overalls (and a red shirt).


Not that I have any doubts, but this would be exhibit A if I ever had to prove paternity of the boy. Just for reference, exhibit B, C, D and, of course, E.


Here you see that, even when I'm talking to my buddy Andy about his fucked-up job situation, the boy will patiently hang with me. He's so good at sitting up on his own now...


Max has the (only slightly annoying) habit of completely ignoring whomever happens to be holding him while appearing to find everyone else in the room utterly fascinating. In fact, the rule is that if you want Max to smile at you, give him to someone else.


No, Max hasn't been rootin' around in poopy, he'd been eating (and obviously enjoying) the "garden vegetable" variety of mushed-up baby foods. Overall, Max is a real good eater. He's just kind of messy.


Well hello. How are you? I'm just killing time and chilling on the floor. Care to join me?


this is one of those "best pictures ever." I think I have three so far. All of the "best of" collection will be hung on to and then blown up and displayed proudly when he brings home his first date or something.

So there you are. Some pictures of the kid. Let me check to see if there's anything I need to follow up on and update from the last time I actually posted...

Baseball: It's Over Until Next Year For Me...
So the Cubs (the 28 and older MSBL team which I was proud to have played on this past season) finished with only the one win, an anomolous 1-run victory against the Twins early in the season. Due to some strange circumstances, the worst team in the league (us, in case you weren't paying attention earlier) made the playoffs by default. We ended up facing those same Twins in said playoff game. This time, though, the one-run victory went their way. Overall, I'm extremely pleased with the way the season went for me. I batted right around .350 for the season, was hit by just about every pitcher in the league and logged a significant amount of time playing both catcher and first base...Not at all bad for a fat guy who hadn't played real baseball since he was 13. I'm looking forward to next year...

All-Hallow's Eve Is Coming...
In fact, tonight was the night of the Farnes' big annual Halloween party which we traditionally attend. We had every intention of doing so this year, debuting Max as a little bee, but Max had other ideas. Contrary to form for the last few days, Max went down for a marathon nap right around 6:30 that ended up lasting almost 3 hours, after which he had to be changed and fed and generally wrangled. This process placed us at a point on the clock where it was no longer feasible to attend the party. Perhaps you've heard the term "point of diminishing returns?" We would've had to get everyone dressed and loaded in the car and drive for 40 minutes and would've had maybe an hour before the boy got fussy and crabby again and put to bed.

Since the actual Halloween falls on a weekday this year, each department at the agency I work at drew decades (except for accounting, who drew "the future") and are expected to dress up in a manner which reflects whichever chunk of time was drawn. While the drawing was going on, I was fortunate enough to do the honors for the art department. I instantly thought about trying to fake something which would make it look like I drew the 1950s, but was on the spot and couldn't muster up any trickery. Instead, I played it straight and, wonder of wonders, drew the 1950s anyway. I'm trying to think, though...I may be one of only 2 who will take it seriously and actually dress completely in 50s garb in my department. It's all good though, as the kids say, because I picked up some rockin' new threads from Daddy O's for the occasion, including two sweet hats from Village Hat Shop which I will be able to wear outside of Halloween. There's also going to be a potluck lunch (which I will not participate in due to my odd neuroses of people in costumes making me nauseous) and decade-specific karaoke which I really should volunteer to run. It's a little bit of extra effort, but I'm very well equipped to do a good job with it as opposed to one of the VPs who "has a machine." I guess I'll volunteer for such things on Monday.

When It's All Said and Done, it IS Just a Game...
I've mentioned before that, in my oh-so-copious spare time, I officiate high school and middle school football and wrestling. It sure does seem that the mere act of wearing a striped shirt seems to bring out the worst in people. One constant that I've figured out without much effort to this point is that the fans, in general, have a very shaky understanding of the rules AT BEST. This problem can lead to problems, the likes of which I've learned to laugh off. I've definitely heard or been called just about everything so far, usually by misguided, overly-emotional fans (almost always of the losing team...Go figure). This past Friday night, however, these "fans" at the game I was working got so worked up that the crew I was part of needed a police escort to get safely off school grounds. if nothing else, it'll make for a fun story to recount, especially to future new officials making their first trip to this particular school...

Awesomecasts...Yeah...Haven't Forgot...
I still have a couple of podcasts in the can and need to find time to produce and post them. That's all I have to say about that...And, now that I think about it, I'm pretty much done typing this wee post. As always, thanks for stopping by...You kids have a fine couple of months now...

Labels: Baby max, indignities, lame stories, Phrickin' Photoblogs, sports

Yeah. So. Um. It's been quite a while since I showed any sort of initiative and posted on this blog. Look, it's not for lack of wanting to...It's simply for lack of time. Indeed, when you have a little baby at home, your former spare time gets reallocated pretty damn quick. Anyhow, things have been going on since I last posted (which was back in June, in case you're keeping track and, hey, why wouldn't you be? You're here, after all) so I shall try and fill you in on the things now...

Max Is Growing Like Crazy...
As children are wont to do, Max continues to eat, poop and grow. Saturday will mark the start of his 5th month outside his mother's belly. We sure have a lot of babyproofing to do to our house as the little boy is getting very close to being mobile. Oh sure, as it stands his only form of locomotion can best be described as "rolling and wiggling," but that shall give way to crawling and walking before I know it. As a bonus, here's a handful of recent-ish pictures featuring our little Max.
click 'em, they get a little bit bigger

This weekend, Max is going to meet one of his great-grandmothers for the first time, though she's not aware of it yet. Everybody loves surprises, right?

Baseball: Still Hard. Getting Hit by a Baseball: Not Hard at All...
So yeah, I mentioned that I'm playing in a 28 and older baseball league. Things have gotten better for me as far as playing time since that writing (I'm not only playing more, but I'm playing more at first base which is much nicer than right field). We've still won only the one game and we're getting our collective asses handed to us score-wise every time out, but it's still fun. And I get exercise. Additionally, I have to imagine (not that I've done any research to back up this claim) that I'm leading the league in HBP (hit by pitch). I've been hit at least once in each of the last 4 games and was plunked a couple of times earlier in the season. I'm not going to charge the mound over it, but I do have to wonder: why me so much? One of the pitchers who hit me in the last game told me I get hit because I crowd the plate. Fair enough, but my sneaking suspicion is that I'm getting hit because I'm fat...Too large and inviting of a target to resist...

Softball: Not Hard at All, Especially After The Big Move...
Last season, the co-ed softball team that the wife and I play on went undefeated for the first time ever and won the championship. Because of this, we kind of assumed that we'd just continue our winning ways this season, since we were still playing silver co-ed, like last year...

Or so I thought...

Apparently, the Park and Rec folks have started separating each level (gold, silver and bronze) into different "upper" and "lower" divisions. Apparently, while we were ripping through all those other teams like a hot knife through butter last season, we were playing "lower" silver. We started this season in "upper" silver and lost our first 3 games. Granted, we only lost 2 of the games by 1 run, but following our uncharacteristically poor opening, them genius Park and Rec folks moved us back to "lower" silver. Since the move, we're beating teams handily without having to try which, frankly, just isn't any fun and isn't fair to the teams who could and should contend in that division. I would've much rather stayed in the upper division, had a poor season, used the experience to get better and come back strong next year. Instead, we get sent back down to beat on patsies and foster bad playing and hitting habits because the games aren't close. Feh...

Awesomecasts Are On The Way...No, Seriously...
I heard tell through Collin that my sister was all pissed at me for not having posted any new podcast episodes since the middle of June...Apparently, her question was something like "why do we bother to record them if he (I) won't post them?" The answer is simple, really...BECAUSE, FOOL!

Actually, it's because it takes a couple of hours to properly produce a half-hour podcast episode once the recording is in the can. It's true, I do have about 4 episodes in the can just waiting for me to sit and get them all dolled up...The problem is that I simply haven't had the time to do such things. I do hope that I can rectify the situation soon, though, so be on the lookout for more new episodes of the ol' awesomecast...In fact, keep watch in shifts. You know, one person keeps an eye peeled while the others sleep...Just like in Stand By Me or Disorganized Crime. Anyway, yeah...Podcasts coming soon...

I'd Forgotten Just How Fun Singing Karaoke in a Bar Could be...
So the Sharks had a game last night against the Ice Hawks which just so happened to be Don's last game playing with us. He's...What? Who's Don you ask? Don is one of the guys from the hockey team I play on. Yeah, he's originally from somewhere on the East Coast. Uh huh, yeah. He's the loud one. Right, now that we have THAT established, Don is leaving to take a job in Alabama. As such, after the game, a handful of us followed Don over to the Hatchcover for beer and wings and things. I have to preface things by saying that, some years ago, I used to go to the "down the Hatch lounge," the bar above the Hatchcover, on a regular basis for karaoke. At this time (and we're talking 10-plus years ago), the lounge was kind of a cozy, classy place above a medium to high end restaurant. Fast-forward to 2008, though, and the whole place has the vibe of a low class pool hall and dive bar. Oh sure, the same couches and stuff are in the upstairs as 10 years ago, but they look old and worn. Hell, I didn't even recognize the place and I used to be a regular there...Anyhow, it just so happened that it was karaoke night and, being that I'm never easily embarrassed, I sang a few. I haven't actually sung karaoke anywhere but in my own home for about 4 or 5 years. This was mostly due to my loathing of cigarette smoke, loud and obnoxious karaoke hosts and people in general. I built a smokin' sound system based around some of the equipment I already had from years of mobile DJ work and have amassed a decent karaoke library...Whatever, yeah. I'm a hermit. Last night, though, I got to put all that aside and sing in a bar which, since the anti-smoking laws passed, is a lot more enjoyable than it used to be for me. I coudn't have predicted the reaction, though, when I sang the Digital Underground classic "the Humpty Dance." Those fuckin' people in that dive bar went totally nuts. One lady even begged me to stick around and sing some more, something people have never done to me. Frankly, though, despite how fun it was and how sincerely I appreciated the flattery, I missed my wife and my boy so I chose to head on home...

I think that's about it for now...As always, thanks for stopping by, kids...You all have a fine month/year/decade now...

Labels: Baby max, lame stories, Phrickin' Photoblogs, sports

I don't know if you noticed (and judging by the dearth of comments, you havent...but then again, judging by the number of daily hits, somebody MAY have) but I completely missed the month of April. Well, not in "real" life, but here in the world of the ol' blogsitething, April '08 came and went with no fanfare. Or blog postings. Or anything. Anyhow, it's May now and I'm taking advantage of the fact that the boy is feeding off of his mom to type up a potentially lengthy update-style post which, if executed correctly, will hip you kids to what sorts of things have been happening over Maison De Chevalier way...

Yeah, Max...He's Still Around...
Max is now a couple of months old and is a fat little baby. He can see objects and people at greater distance now and is smiling and laughing quite a bit. It's funny to think that when he was at his lowest weight it just never seemed like he'd grow at all and now he's simply massive by comparison. People still say "oh, he's a little one" (among other phrases) when they see him, but these would be people with no basis for comparison. Max is getting bigger everyday and is quite healthy. So there ye be - a Max update to fill that tiny baby shaped hole in your heart.

Max's Grandpa Is Doing Well Too...
I don't know if I mentioned this already on the ol' blogsitething, but my dad had gastric bypass surgery on Halloween of last year and is doing very well. To this point, he's lost somewhere around 125 pounds and is quickly closing in on being less fat than I am. The weight loss has helped bring his diabetes under control and has given him more energy and a sunnier disposition. So there's that...

Work's Going Fine, Thanks...
Nothing much to report there...Just busy...

Baseball: Harder Than You remember...
The last time I played baseball in a competitive manner, I was like...12 years old. I know I mentioned in passing that I was (am) playing in a men's baseball league on a team called the Cubs. Now, don't get me wrong, I love baseball. Not as much as hockey, but I still love baseball. I have yet to decide, though, whether I'm playing baseball at age 34 just to prove that I can or because I actually want to. Hell, sometimes I wonder if I can find the line separating those two reasons in everything that I do...Anyhow, baseball...We've played 3 games to this point (including a double header this past sunday) with one win and 2 losses and I'm doing OK so far. I have a .300 batting average with a small handful of RBI and even got to catch a couple of innings at the end of the last game. I've spent most of my (limited) playing time so far way out in right field which, since I haven't played outfield since...Well...Ever is a bit of a challenge. Don't get me wrong, I can play in the outfield...I've never had a problem tracking fly balls, it's the running that sucks. My biggest problem with the scenario? I'm an infielder. Most specifically, I'm a first baseman, a position which I doubt I will be allowed to play this season. I guess it's my own damn fault, I had this crazy notion that because I'm a fair-to-midland hockey goalie, I might be able to play catcher. As such, since I expressed interest in the position/bought the equipment, I'm kind of locked into being the "backup" catcher - warming up the starting pitchers and playing a couple of innings here and there in the outfield while I wait to see if the starting catcher gets hurt or tired. Now, I don't want to come off as a whiny little bitch about all this...I'm definitely the 2nd best catcher (out of 2) on the roster and I still get to hit even when I'm not playing in the field (so far, at least) 'cause that's something I can do but...Eh...There's always Summer softball coming up...At least Jason isn't afraid to put me somewhere that I can make a difference...

And Speaking Of Hockey...
I hate the Detroit Redwings.

Oh Yeah, The Podcast...
Sure...That thing...I'd love to get that thing back up and running, but I'd have to find the time to sit down and record even one. I know that Collin and I (and our cast of...2 or 3) could find tons of things to talk about...It's just finding the time. Little babies tend to monopolize one's time in a given week, free or otherwise. I promise, though, it is not dead...It shall come back and I will have Max Moments™ where Max makes random noises during the show...Heck, I might just try and do whole shows with him hanging out with me...Anyway, that's all moot until I can get us all back together to record...Stay tuned...

That's Enough Good-ish News...Let's Get To The Bad...
My grandmother Marjorie, who's health has been steadily failing since my grandfather died, was moved into a care facility this last week. Her kidneys are failing (among other things) and has to be on dialysis. True to her O'Dell blood, though, she's as stubborn as ever and had been refusing help and/or care leading up to all of this...Please think a good thought/say a prayer for my grandma. Thank you.

I've Never Been A Fan Of Cancer...
But hey, who is? You never hear anyone rooting for cancer. "Go, Cancer! Go!" No, you just don't hear that...Anyhow, some years ago, I lost a friend of mine named Gus to cancer. Gus and I had played hockey together on a couple of teams here in town. During that time, Gus had hosted a couple of team parties out at his house. Hanging out off the ice, we all got to know him as a generous and genuinely nice person with a warm heart. It was very hard to sit through his funeral knowing that I would never again be able to talk with him or hear him say something witty or inspiring...At Gus' funeral, though, cards were passed out with an inspirational message that, basically, sayed "don't quit." I carry that card with me in my wallet and refer to it at times when I feel overwhelmed or just plain tired. I only mention this because about a week ago, I received some sad news...A person who I consider a friend told me that he was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer. I'd like to ask anyone who reads this little site to say a prayer for my friend. He's going to have to undergo chemotherapy which can't be pleasant. I'll post vague details as events warrant and I have one request...Don't quit...

Labels: Baby max, lame stories, sad stories, sports

So as you may or may not have already astutely guessed, having a newborn around severely limits the amount of time that one can spend on self-gratifying pursuits such as podcasting and/or updating a stupid blog (like this one, if you were trying to think of an example). Indeed, even though my wife is able to take off until August to be with the little fella', he's taking up a big chunk of time for both of us. I had high hopes that my silly little blogsitething here would never turn into a vast, unupdated wasteland or (far worse, in my opinion) a "daddy blog." Sadly, it seems that both fates may befall my creative endeavors from here on out. After all, if I'm going to try to write about what's happening in my life, it would seem that I'd be restricted to writing most about the thing which is consuming most of my available time (that is if I can find time to write anything at all). Due to this, it seems that I have no choice. For a while at least, sonofcheese.com will either be dormant or a "daddy blog" with sporadic updates about how our little Maximus Thor is doing...

Anyhow, speaking of Max, how about some new pictures? Here's one to get things started:


This, kids, is what "tired" looks like. This was taken probably late in the first or early in the 2nd day of our hospital stay. I was beat down from lack of sleep and, seriously, I remember thinking that I was smiling when this picture was taken. I guess that was all the enthusiasm I could muster...

Anyhow, so yeah. What is going on in my life right now...Well, I still go to work Monday through Friday. I get real anxious to come home 'round quittin' time now, though. This is not to say that I wasn't excited to come home and see my wife before, but coming home to see your wife and kid, it's...Well...It's just different. I'm still playing hockey once a week and soon, once Max is about a month old, he can get bundled up and come watch me suck play. Not that he'll know what's going on, but at least I won't have to leave Max and his mom at home when I go...Aside from that, I'll be playing in the MSBL for the first time this year. MSBL stands for "Men's Senior Baseball League" and has me pretty excited. I mean, softball is fun, but playing real baseball...That's going to be a blast. Games are once a week and start at the end of April...It looks like I'll be floating between Catcher and First Base mostly on my new team (which finished dead last in every season so far). So yeah, that should be fun...

Outside of that, this is what has been keeping me from posting anything at all:

The boy has the Laser Eyes, just like his dad and has been melting household items (like our hearts) with his piercing gaze.

Wow, that was cheesy. Anyway...More pictures, yeah?

I took this picture with my cellphone. I believe it to be the best picture of Max that there ever could be. It's the one I plan to blow up and have framed, hanging right inside the door when Max has his first date some years down the line...


Finally, here's Baby Max giving his dad the hairy eyeball. Actually, he probably can't even see that far yet. Well, to be fair, he can't focus that far yet. He is starting to look around a lot more and he will stop and stare at certain things which seem to be within his (very limited) focal range. Overall, he's a good boy. I guess that it won't be the worst thing in the world, writing mostly about him for a while. Heck, if he keeps peeing on his mom while she's trying to change him, I'll have all manner of things to type about in the future. Anyhow, thanks for stopping by. You kids have a fine...um...Stretch of days now...

Labels: Baby max, indignities, lame stories, Phrickin' Photoblogs

Hey! You! You know that former big-time DJ that I have a penchant for interviewing multiple times? Yeah, M. Dung. That guy. Well, he's been nominated as a candidate for the Bay Area Radio Hall of Fame. Look, it's not the radio hall of fame or the rock n' roll hall of fame, but it's a start...Anyhow, here's the deal, I'd like to do this Chicago style if we can. If you're reading this, go vote for Dung early and often...Thank you.

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On the Baby Max front, no news to report. Still waiting for him to crawl out of my wife and join the world. At her last appointment (this past Tuesday, to be exact) she was told that she's currently 3-4 centimeters and the ol' cervix is 70% effaced. This combined with ambiguous contractions that just aren't close enough mean that while we are on high alert (the Max Level is at Orange), it's a waiting game that I'm becoming slightly impatient with. She's considered "term" so he could be born at any time and the doctors won't consider him premature but, even though we've thought it was damn near time more than once, it ain't been time. Officially the due date is March 6. Unofficially, people at work are rooting for February 29. Selfishly, I'd just like the stubborn little fella' to get it over with.

---

I can't recall if I mentioned that the State of Colorado officially approved my vanity license plate. Anyway, the state approved my vanity license plate. According to their production estimate, "I.R. SLO" should be affixed to my vehicle sometime in late March or Early April. While I wait for Johnny Convict to stamp 'em out, though, I have some nonsensical "standard-issue" plates which currently reside in my glove compartment...Oh, I'd go to the trouble and put them on my vehicle but I have until the 26th to do so and I'm hoping against hope that the good ones come in sooner than expected and I never have to have the standard ones. I'm running out of time on that one, thoguh...I'm such a loser...

Labels: lame stories

Oh. Hi there. How are you? I'm...Um...Fine...I...Uh...Yeah. Welcome to my blog. Such as it is. I wish I'd have known you'd be here, I would've tidied up a bit. Or baked cookies. Or not have farted. Isn't that just how it is, really? You can sit at your desk all friggin' day, nobody wants to have anything to do with you, everyone leaves you alone and goes about your business until you emit a relatively silent but still malodorous cloud of gas and suddenly, everyone in the Goddamn building needs to speak with you. It's like these people have some twisted poot radar...A beacon that flashes whenever someone in the building is encased in a swirling cloud of methane. Like moths to the flame, one by one, everyone will parade by, inhaling your vile fumes but not saying anything because they're nothing if not polite. You know they know, though. How could they NOT know? IT STINKS OVER HERE. For Christ's sake, DON'T COME ANYWHERE NEAR ME.

Anyway...

Here's a look at my new vehicle - it's a 2008 Saturn VUE AWD...
cleeck on eet, eet weel geet BEEEG

yes it's in my garage in this shot, yes it's like...A dull teal (Sea Mist Green, Saturn calls it), yes it's next to an '05 VUE (the wife's) and yes, it is much sleeker. I like it, it's the nicest vehicle I've ever owned to this point in my life. I mentioned that fact to Collin earlier today and followed it up with "I can only do better from here," meaning that the new vehicle might spoil me and, if I were to get another one somewhere down the line, I wouldn't want to step backward. Collin thought for a second or two and said "no, you'll only be able to do worse from here. This is the pinnacle, you can't possibly do any better."

I think it's his positive outlook I like most about him...

Hey, as if this post couldn't get any more random, how about a short excerpt from a bit of a failed chat prank? Huh? You KNOW you love the chat pranks. You know you do, you love them like the fat kid loves cake and like Popeye loved Olive Oyl - gingerly and always with protection...

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Loserguy2008 (11:40:15 PM): hi
DarkBookGrrl (11:40:20 PM): hi
Loserguy2008 (11:40:47 PM): need a money slave
in hindsight, it isn't immediately obvious whether that was a question or demand. At the time, it seemed simple - did I need one...
DarkBookGrrl (11:41:06 PM): nope, all full up on those.
DarkBookGrrl (11:41:22 PM): had to donate a couple to Goodwill last week as a matter of fact.
The attended donation center was closed, but I dropped 'em off anyway. I know, I know, it says not to, but when you gots to dump, you gots to dump
DarkBookGrrl (11:41:28 PM): up to my ears, even.
Loserguy2008 (11:41:52 PM): will u use me for money?
ok, confused a bit now...
DarkBookGrrl (11:42:32 PM): what, like I pay you and then use you or you give me monies and I...um...use you?
Loserguy2008 (11:42:55 PM): no---i send you money wkly
I suddenly feel so Nigerian. No WONDER they send out those scam spams! It feels GREAT when someone wants to hand over their cash via the internets!
DarkBookGrrl (11:43:19 PM): and I do what to deserve such a windfall?
Loserguy2008 (11:43:54 PM): im very submissive--love being used
"used" to me usually means when I help people move and they don't buy pizza. "I feel so USED" I shout to myself as I drive home, sans pizza or dignity...
DarkBookGrrl (11:44:19 PM): used like what? like a toilet? please to explain.
Loserguy2008 (11:44:58 PM): used as your toilet and for money
He won't let that money thing go. Ok, fine. I'll bite...
DarkBookGrrl (11:45:34 PM): real american folding monies? how much we talkin' here?
Loserguy2008 (11:46:20 PM): you will tell me each wk what to send
DarkBookGrrl (11:47:06 PM): walkin' around money, that's what I need. Money for booze and hookers!
DarkBookGrrl (11:47:22 PM): also: crack cocaine. This is because I'm a big, fat, pimply crack whore.
DarkBookGrrl (11:47:57 PM): which, of course, would be a contradiction in terms. Crack whores, while they might be 'pimply,' would have to work pretty damned hard to stay "fat."
Loserguy2008 (11:48:14 PM): pic
That was cavemanesque if it was anything. I suddenly picture cromagnon man, beating his monitor with a club screaming OG WANT PIC! SELF SHOT! NO FAKES!
DarkBookGrrl (11:48:31 PM): where? did you send me one?
Of course, he's done with me 'cause I'm a pimply crackwhore. I feel so used.
DarkBookGrrl (11:54:04 PM): was it the "crack whore" or the "fat" comment that stymied you?
Alas, we'll never know, now...
---

So the other day my wife and I were hanging out with my mom and dad and I asked what exactly Jesus' middle name was. I received a couple of funny looks and so I explained: "I hear this 'Jesus H. Christ' stuff all the time, WHAT DOES THE 'H' STAND FOR?" My wife was the big winner, ultimately. Her suggestion? "Jesus Hollaback Christ...

So on Thursday after work I had some time to kill while the wife was at her prenatal water aerobics class and I had a gift card to Best Buy burning a small hole in my pocket. Just so you know, the Best Buy locations here aren't located even remotely near where I live, which is why the aforementioned gift card was the lingerer from our (heaping) Christmas bounty, it's fallen bretheren long spent at more conveniently located stores in other, better parts of town. Anyhow, as you can guess, I sucked it up and drove out to one of these places and, while at that large, gleaming and confusingly laid out monument to entertainment (and appliances) on the east side of town, I found a DVD set which I simply could not live without. Now, I'm not one who sees DVDs and simply HAS to have them, but...Well...This time I guess I was. What I found was the Addam's Family - the complete series, mind you - on DVD. Now, You cats and kittens can keep the Munsters and shit...For my money, that Addam's Family is one of the best shows to ever be shown on television. simply put, I LOVE the show. So, duh, I bought the set. On Friday, when I got into work, I told Collin about it and he showed me that the same set was available for exactly half the price I paid at Best Buy at Amazon.com. So yeah, I ordered one from Amazon and made ANOTHER trip out to Best Buy to return the one I bought there. Thank God I hadn't torn straight into it and watched them all on Thursday...

Well, kids, that's about all the random rambling I has for you at this point. Please to stop by again when it's convenient and I'll do my best to fill a few minutes with a handful of words. Until then, you all have a fine weekend...

Labels: chat pranks, I'm A Consumer Whore, indignities, lame stories, Phrickin' Photoblogs, watchin' teevees

Indeed, we (and by 'we,' I totally mean 'I' as in the 'Royal We' because hey, always look out for numero uno) made it through the Christmas holiday with no occurrences of bankruptcy, homicide, pre-term labor, mass flatulence or any sort of visit by first responders of any kind. I shall perhaps reveal as many facts about our holiday as I feel comfortable with right about now...Or now...

Ok, how about now...

United Airlines Can Suck Large Donkey Nutsack...No, Really, They Can...
So we had a small handful of house guests during the last week and all of them flew in on United Airlines. My mother-in-law made it in fine (she was flying into Denver) but, as per usual, my sister-in-law and her husband Al got the shaft. The weather was cold/snowy/windy on Friday the 21st and, as such, flights were having trouble reaching Colorado Springs due to delays in other larger and presumably more important cities. Shannon and Al ended up sitting at DIA for a long stretch of time waiting for what turned out to be the only flight which landed at our airport all night. Al has a big problem with being cold and with the temperature an unseasonably chilly 10° with a wind chill of like...Negative a billion...Suffice to say he was less than pleased. Anyhow, we'll cover that more later since THIS blurb is about what a pack of dickheads United collectively is. Anyhow, the day that Shannon and Al flew OUT of town just happened to be Christmas day. When we got to the Springs Airport, they were informed that the flight that was to ferry them up to Denver was "delayed." Delayed to the point that, by the time it got to Denver, their original flight home to Las Vegas would have already departed. As such, we piled into the wife's VUE and I set to the task of driving Shannon and Al up to Denver in an attempt to catch the connector which had suddenly become NOT so much a connector but whatever. Anyhow, long story short, the weather was shitty and the other drivers were panicky retards (collectively) and it took us two hours to get there but, hey, Shannon and Al made it through security in time to board their plane...Which sat on the runway for FOUR FUCKING HOURS waiting to be de-iced. So yeah, as it turned out, United pretty much shut down all of their flights out of "smaller" airports (like Colorado Springs) and even cancelled several flights in major airports. The reason? It was Christmas and United decided to "give some of their people time off" at the expense of large numbers of their customers. So yeah, Fuck United. They are dead to me...

By the way, Shannon and Al DID eventually get home. At like...11:30pm...See, United had crammed all 5 of their flights onto one baggage carousel at McCarran in Veags. Anyhow, at this point it's just beating a dead horse. United licks balls.

So Yeah, Al Hates The Cold...
Welcome to Colorado Springs, home of 250 days of sunshine! Indeed, that's usually the case as it pertains to the weather in town here. We are, though, in an unseasonably cold weather cycle and, as I mentioned before, when Shannon and Al got to town, it was positively miserable - Bitter cold and snow with fierce winds. Lucky for Al, though, he had picked up quite the heavy hunting coat and gloves and things during a recent trip to see his dad in Arkansas. A handy ensemble, to be sure, since it rarely left his person the whole time he was here. In addition, Al continued to utter small phrases like "brrrr" and "I'm never coming back here." Wuss.

The Eagle Has Landed...IN MY BELLY!..
And by "eagle," I mean Turducken of course. Now, if it weren't all illegal and shit I'd definitely cook up and eat the proud avian symbol of our great nation because, hey, meat is meat. Lucky for me that wacky ol' Benjamin Franklin didn't get his way so many years ago since the "Tur" part of "Turducken" is obviously Turkey. And lord knows that his second and third choices would've been duck and chicken. Anyhow, the eagle is our national bird and turkey ducks and chickens regularly make their way into my belly. This time, though, the trio made it in at the same time. I have to say, the Turducken was a taste treat, one which I'll definitely consider ordering again the next time I need to feed several people with wonderfully cajun bird conglomerations...

What'd You Get Yourself For Christmas?..
A couple of days ago, I went down to one of our local Saturn dealerships not so much to pick up a new vehicle, but to take a look at the new vehicle which my dad had just purchased. Or leased. Either way, dad had turned in his old VUE for a new VUE and, while he was finishing up the paperwork, I took it for a test drive. Now, I had planned to get a vehicle other than the small truck that I've had for 8 years before Max is born since he can't really ride in the front seat until he's older but I didn't plan on doing such things this soon. Maybe sometime in late February, but certainly not this last weekend. Sometimes, though, you just have to be ready for plans to change...See, because of some fine incentives and, of course, the fact that I'm eligible the GM Supplier price due to some job-related factors, I went ahead and leased me a 2008 Saturn VUE with a V6 engine and All-Wheel-Drive. It's "Sea Mist Green" and has several nice features like OnStar free for a year and 90 days of XM radio service(which I'm slowly falling in love with, mostly due to the "decades" category). I kept my little truck as opposed to trading it in since having it around to haul things seemed like the thing to do. Hell, it's paid off...So why not, right? Oh, by the way, I sent off my application for a personalized license plate today. If all goes well, I'll soon be the owner of one Colorado license tag which reads "I. R. SLO." Yeah, I thought it was funny too...I'll take pictures of everything soon...

No Awesomecasts In The Last Couple of Weeks. Anyone Notice?..
Things just haven't worked out for Collin and I to get synced up enough to record anything, let alone a podcast episode, over the course of the last two weeks. Indeed, on the top of the factor list was the whole "hosting Christmas dinner and having houseguests" thing. I'm hoping to get a good group together soon so we can chatter like crazy squirrels about whatever comes to mind...You kids stay tuned...

Hey, Happy New Year!..
So yeah, at the time I'm typing this up, I'm 20 short minutes away from 2008 in the mountain time zone. No big party action this year for the wife and I...We hung out with my parents for a while, watched the Avalanche lose to the Goddamned Coyotes in a shootout and played some euchre. we recently got home and I sampled some of the Pappy Van Winkle's 15 year old family reserve whiskey which I picked up today and now, hey, I'm typing an entry. Yeah, terrifyingly exciting, that's me...Hopefully you kids out there had a safe New Year's Eve...Also, here's to a great 2008. As always, thanks for stopping by...You kids have a great day off...

Labels: Baby max, holidays, I eat food, indignities, lame stories

So hey, kids, how are you all anyway? Indeed, it's been a whole Goddamn long time since I posted anything of substance other than Awesomecasts on this stupid little blogsitething and, if you do a wee bit of research, you'll find that's just about how every one of my non-podcast posts have started for like...The last year. Or so. Yeah. I'm quite lame. No shock there. We've covered it. Let's move on.

Likely No Awesomecast This Week...
What with all manner of things to do leading up to the Christmas holiday, I'm just going to have to pass on recording a new episode this week. After all, as Collin said earlier today when we were talking about whether or not to record tonight, "it's your show," which is not entirely accurate but whatever. Anyway, I'm going to get around to making sense eventually, but for now, well. yeah. So no show this week, the towel is safe for another week at least and I can't verbally offend anyone by slighting their religion, sports team or other icon which they seem to hold dear. I'll get back to all that craps later on...

And Speaking of Christmas (Because We So Were)...
We're hosting Christmas this year at our house for the first time. We hosted Thanksgiving a couple of years ago and, if memory serves, it was a pretty packed house. We've got a lot of things to get done before people arrive (specifically, my mother-in-law is coming in from Florida and Shannon and Al are flying in from Las vegas) up to and including finishing decorations around the house, cleaning up various rooms and completing daunting tasks such as laundry which I've been inexplicably putting off for a week or two. I also have to go shopping specifically for the groceries to finish the holiday menu as well as for a handful of ancillary gifts. People are driving like complete retards around here and every store is packed to capacity (something that I'm sure is not exclusive to my part of the country) which is making these normally routine tasks seem arduous and draining. I can't even think of any way to make fun of it, it just plain sucks at times...

The Bird Is In The Air...
...and lands tomorrow. Or today, depending upon when you're reading this post. Anyhow, the bird (or birds, actually) I speak of just happens to be the legendary turducken, an unholy marriage of chicken, duck and turkey, smaller bird crammed into the cavity of the other and stuffed with wonderful creole-style stuffing. I learned of the magical turducken some years ago and vowed that someday I'd make one of the damn things appear at a holiday meal. This year, since I had already made mention of the triple threat to some key attendees, I checked into all of the available turducken avenues (up to and including deboning and assembling the birds myself) and finally settled on purchasing the thing from CajunGrocer.com, likely the place which knows more about them than anywhere else. As I mentioned earlier, the bird in it's protctive cryopack should arrive on Wednesday to the collective delight of myself and most of the people who will be joining us for Christmas Eve dinner. Collin mentioned to his giant son that we're having turducken and he proclaimed it to be an "atrocity." My response: more for me.

I'm Thinking About Cramming More Animals Inside Animals...
To supplement the turducken, I'm thinking about procuring a cornish game hen, quail and whole rabbit from a local meat market and constructing a RabUailEn. I'm salivating just thinking about it. Mmmmmm....

Ever Tried To Break In New Goalie Pads?..
Not likely, but it's possible. I recently purchased myself a new pair of Simmons 993 SuperFlex leg pads to replace my 8-year old pair of Boddam Air Elites. When I picked up the Elites, they were top-of-the-line butterfly-style pads. "A Goalie's Dream" the manufacturer said. I arbitrarily assigned them a 5-year life span when I first got them and, after several stitch and repair jobs and a handful of replaced straps, I was able to squeeze 8 good years out of them. My new pads came from the same manufacturer, but man, I never could've guessed how different they'd be. Many of the new features are great as far as safety go but they make skating quite a challenge, especially during the first few uses. Despite the awkwardness and goofiness, I've been able to eek out a couple of wins while wearing them, which has a shitload more to do with the fact that the team I play on is quite good than my playing well. I am getting more and more comfortable in the stinkin' things each time out which is important considering that I spent around $800 US on them and, at that price, I'm thinking that they'll likely be the last pair I buy...

And Finally, Have A Happy Holiday Season!..
Indeed, especially since I've been quite the poor blogger over this past year, I want to thank everybody who comes around on even a semi-regular basis. Granted, I'm getting a lot of search hits from God-knows-where looking for some of the strangest and stupidest things (hey, use enough words paired with enough curse words, people can find you by searching for just about any damn thing) and those are cool too, but it's the small handful of regular readers (you know who you are) that I appreciate. Indeed, I hope you have yourself a fine holiday, regardless of what you're celebrating this time of year. Here's hoping 2008 brings big fun and loads of "whatnot" to you all...

Labels: holidays, indignities, lame stories, misguided rantings

So hey, kids, how are you all anyway? I'm fine, if not just a little busy. Indeed, it's been a rough week or so to find what we commonly call "the free time," what with Freak Train being on Monday and my truck crapping out and not wanting to start and then having to have my wife come pick me up and her getting into a traffic accident right outside the place I work.

Don't worry, it was minor, thank God...

But yeah, there's no 'cast this week. Shocker, I know. I will do my best to get the videos from Monday's Freak Train (Justin did another Mario Monologue and I did some standup from the top of my headmeats) up by Friday. Surely that'll keep you kids (who aren't merely getting here via Google image searches for "fart") coming back for more. Or not, hey, who knows.

I will let you all in on a wee project I started earlier today, though, by actually RESPONDING to one of them there spam emails which appear in all of our inboxes. I'll let you know how the back-and-forth with this numbnuts goes. Unless, of course, there turns out to be no back-and-forth, or there is and it's uneventful and lame, in which case I WON'T let you know. Either way, you'll figure it out.

So hey, as always and even though it was just to read this pathetic little electronic missive, I thank you kids for stopping by...You all have a fine Thursday now...

Labels: indignities, lame stories