Hey, Merry Christmas! Look, I'd go about wishing everybody a happy whatever they celebrate but...Look, I don't have much time here. To sum up: hope you had a great time. And got what you wanted (or at least what you deserved). Today is my son Max's first Christmas EVER and, since he's currently sleeping off some of the excitement, I figured I should at least TRY and post something. So here goes.

Up until I became a parent, I was always incredulous as to why anyone would want to have their little baby sit on Santa's lap. These situations, I estimated, never ended well and simply served to tie up the jolly fat elf when he could be devoting those precious seconds to an older child who could AT THE VERY LEAST articulate what they might want under their tree (or in their stocking) come Christmas morning. Best case scenario? You get a once-in-a-lifetime photo such as the one Pat Angello was lucky to capture last Christmas. Worst case scenario? You end up with this:

See, the agency that I work for has, since 1985, celebrated Christmas for the kids of the employees in a very generous manner. There's a Santa and a present from Santa and games and activities. For obvious reasons, I've not participated in said party until this year. To tell the truth, I wasn't planning on participating this year because I figured that Max was too young to appreciate it. I acquiesced to the pressure to bring the little guy, though and was hopeful that we'd have the same results as Pat. Not so much, as you can tell.

Hey, remember when I braved sub-zero temperatures and pushy, booger-nosed chicks on Black Friday to score a washer-dryer set for next to nothing? Remember that? Yeah? Good, remind me about it come March when I've likely forgot all about it because THAT'S WHEN THE GODDAMN THINGS ARE SCHEDULED TO SHIP. That's right, kids, I chose to purchase the washer and dryer that ALL OF AMERICA (and probably half of Mexico) chose as well, which has put the factory so far behind that our big Christmas gift will end up feeling like a nice birthday gift right before Spring. Oh well, at least we still have a working washer and dryer. Not like the poor bastard behind me in line who needed one THAT DAY 'cause his washer had "taken a crap" as he so eloquently put it. He's probably still making regular trips to the laundromat. Sucker.

Hey, you know what? I've actually been asked by TWO SEPARATE PEOPLE (count 'em! Two!) to get some more podcasts online. Far be it from me to ignore the clatter of the clamoring masses, so...Yeah, We'll get to that eventually. Stay tuned.

Hey, my wife won the last poker tournament that I had. Way to go, Squee.

Holy shit, Meme! I completely ripped this thing off from Diana. It's long. It fills space. Here it comes...
Rules: Simply bold the stuff that you've done. Adding stuff is my bonus gift to you.

1.Started your own blog Duh. How else would one post this stupid thing?
2. Slept under the stars - oh...no. I mean, I've slept (fitfully) in tents in the past, but never outside with nothing above me but the stars. That's just irresponsible. You could get rained on.
3. Played in a band because playing trombone in the school band in 5th grade totally counts.
4. Visited Hawaii - the owner of the agency I work at intimated one time that I was "no kind of man" because I had never been to Hawaii. I still have yet to reclaim my manhood, based on that standard. The way things are going, it may take a while...
5. Watched a meteor shower Leonids! 1998!
6. Given more than you can afford to charity - no. Simply put: no.
7. Been to Disneyland in 1980. I've also been to Disneyworld
8. Climbed a mountain - I don't think so. I mean, not on foot, at least.
9. Held a praying mantis - nope.
10. Sang a solo karaoke and/or Freak Train totally counts.
11. Bungee jumping
12. Visited Paris Paris on the Platte, a stupid little coffee house in Denver. That's as close to Paris as I'll get in THIS lifetime.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea - this sounds very cool. I should endeavor to make this happen someday.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch cartooning.
15. Adopted a child.
16. Had food poisoning can't even count the number of times.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables when I was a kid, my sister and I had a little garden. I grew carrots. They tasted like dirt.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked only as a joke while cleaning up a stretch of highway as part of the Adopt-A-Highway thing in high school.
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill just once, but it wasn't like "calling in well," it was something to do with Max.
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb not a live one. And not a whole one. Piece by delicious piece as I put them into my belly. God, I love lamb.
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse OF THE HEART! heh. No, of the sun. And the moon. A couple times.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run both the inside and outside the park variety.
32. Been on a cruise a wee riverboat excursion on the Mississippi while visiting St. Louis. So kind of, not really.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person and up close via the Maid of the Mist. It was awesome, in the literal sense of the word.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors - I would love to. Haven't got that far yet.
35. Seen an Amish community we visited Amish country in Pennsylvania in the summer of 2007. It was kind of quaint.
36. Taught yourself a new language I now speak LOLcat. And shut up, that totally counts.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied I'm not sure what the person who wrote this question had in mind, but just being able to do something fun if I choose to qualifies in my mind. So sure.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing sort of, in 6th grade.
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke can't even count the number of times.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant - I had to think about this. I thought that I had, but come to find out, I haven't.
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight - only during the day.
46. Been transported in an ambulance - not yet.
47. Had your portrait painted - only done in marker, not paint.
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkelling
52. Kissed in the rain - if I have, it wasn't terribly memorable.
53. Played in the mud I'm sure I did. I don't remember doing it, but I'm sure I did.
54. Gone to a drive-in theater as recently as the late 1990s.
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business we'll be talking more about this in the near future.
58.Taken a martial arts class
59.Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check ah, yes. I was wondering if I'd get to say "yes" again and then here comes an example of completely irresponsible behavior. In my defense, I had overdraft protection, but the bank was still all pissed off.
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy just about a week ago, even. I didn't have the heart to throw away my Popeye's Dyanamite Music machine.
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial - skipped this while we were in D.C.
71. Eaten caviar first time was when I was about 8. I remember that it tasted salty.
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job just the telemarketing thing.
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone mine or someone else's? Either way: yes.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle it was probably speeding, 'cause the speed limit was only 20.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person from an airplane.
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car it was a truck, actually.
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Qur’an
86. Visited the White House - SO FRICKIN' CLOSE! We were supposed to get a tour in the summer of 2007, but stuff fell through. Oh well, maybe next time.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating - you'd think that I would've done this, but somehow this experience has escaped me to this point.
88. Had chickenpox sadly, over Spring Break. GYP!
89. Saved someone’s life - not to my knowledge.
90. Sat on a jury - I haven't, but have always wanted to. I haven't even been summonsed for jury service. EVER!
91. Met someone famous more than a few times.
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one haven't we all?
94. Had a baby I didn't do the hard part, but he's mine, nonetheless
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit and I was none too pleased about it, let me tell you.
98. Owned a cell phone a few of them, actually.
99. Been stung by a bee - never. And it's not like I haven't put myself in harm's way, I used to wade into bee clouds and slap at them. How have I never been stung? Divine providence, perhaps or could just be dumb luck.
100. Read an entire book in one day NFHS wrestling rules. I had to cram!

So there you go, an entry. Hot shit. Until next time, you kids behave. And have a happy holiday season.

Labels: holidays, I'm A Consumer Whore, indignities, lame stories