Friday, November 28, 2008


Given all the stupid crap that I will do (and have done) at a moment's notice without giving a serious thought to consequence, it may come as a surprise that there are a great many things that I do not or will not do. Well, to be fair, there are a damn lot of things that I'm simply not fond of doing and I find that avoidance is just as good as any method when it comes time to deal with the aforementioned "such things." Case in point: I harbor an intense dislike of crowds of people, especially crowds of people that seem focused on a singular goal. Soccer fans, concertgoers, China...You get the idea. Anyhow, because of this, I do NOT camp out to buy things (like some of you fuckers have done in the past for sweet, sweet Wiiness. You know who you are) and I do NOT go "shopping" on Black Friday (Or Schwarz Frietag, as it's fondly referred to by our Aryan brothers and sisters). I say it every year, I would be hard pressed to participate in the madness, lining up in the freezing cold even before the sun rises, following the other sheep into the store at 5 o'clock in the Goddamn morning, pushing, shoving and jockeying for position to make sure that I can procure the latest gadget so as to elicit the undying devotion of whomever I deem worthy to bestow it upon. No way, not this fat kid. I like to sleep way more than I like communing with the unwashed masses, or the inherent thrill that only the perception of somehow saving money by shredding my dignity to dive in and become a consumer whore the day after Thanksgiving can bring.

Until now, that is...There's a first time for everything...

You see, a couple of weeks ago, I decided that I would get a new clothes dryer as a Christmas gift to myself and the wife. It's not that the dryer we currently have does a poor job, it's just that, true to form, I went cheap when I purchased the thing (along with it's special sibling "the washer") back in 2001. Because of my miserly ways, and while the dryer's capacity may be great, it's features are limited. Case it point, there is no "low" heat setting. There's "high" and "medium" but no "low," which I'm convinced is causing some of my clothing (especially the ones labeled "tumble dry low") to shrink up gradually and look "all funny."

And no, It couldn't possibly be because I'm fat...No no, it's the fault of the major appliance in the back room. Keep up, will you?

Anyhow, Yeah. A new dryer. I had done some research on dryers and was all set to spend as much as 700 or 800 American dollars on a significantly more functional model when the wife pointed out a television commercial touting the oh-so-wonderful and mindblowing deals which Sears (and his dead homie Roebuck) planned to offer on Friday, November 28. Stores open at 5:00 AM! Quantities Limited! Hurry in For Best Selection! Washer and Dryer Combo for only $599 American Dollars!

Wait, what!? six-hundred bucks for a dryer AND a washer? And it doesn't suck? It dries clothes on low? The washer is one of them-there new fangled FRONT LOADER models!? Holy SHIT! You say all I have to do is be at my local Sears store when the doors open at 5:00 AM!? I'M IN!

And despite my history, I WAS in. Begrudgingly in, but "in" nonetheless. Following a wonderful thanksgiving meal at my parents house on Thursday (and a rousing session of the Game of Things with several members of my family) the wife and I went home and made sure I set my alarm for somewhere around 4:00 IN THE AM this morning. In an impressive display of steely resolve, I only hit snooze one time. One trucker's shower and a pair of sweatpants later, I had enough time to go outside and warm up my truck while I knocked freshly fallen snow off of it. I was confident that I would not come home from the hunt empty handed! I would BUY that washer-dryer pair! I would drive around back for pickup! I would have the greasy guy with the hand truck load the spoils of victory in the back of my tiny truck! I would drive home oozing pride, twin cardboard-clad monuments to my shopping prowess announcing to the rest of the motorists that I was, in fact, their better in every imaginable way!..

Of course, the appliances being currently "back-ordered" kind of foiled all of THAT noise...Still, though, I was able to buy what I came for. I was handed a receipt for what I lost at least 4 hours of sleep for. I was given a not-so-solid timeframe as to when the items I braved truly frigid temperatures for would be back in stock...

But hey, a win is a win.

As an aside, very near where I was in line, waiting my turn with the other sheep like so many snot-nosed kids waiting to burden a mall Santa with their extensive lists of holiday needs, except our goal was to get a precious minute or two with the poor appliance guy that was ringing up one backordered appliance after another, there was some fat lady and her husband trying desperately to purchase a large television with what turned out to be an expired Sears card. Predictably, she demanded to see a manager when the transaction didn't go through and, when the manager explained that he couldn't simply "swipe the card again," she became irate and started making a scene. "I'VE...WE'VE BEEN HERE SINCE TWO THIS MORNING AND IF I DON'T GET WHAT I CAME FOR, THERE'S GOING TO BE TROUBLE" she shouted. I turned, looked at her and half-shouted "you got a big fuckin' booger on the end of your nose!"

You know...'Cause she SO did. Hey, the manager laughed. When I left, receipt in hand, she was still there, trying to open a new line of credit (at 5 in the morning) and yes, the booger hadn't budged.

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