So instead of taking my customary lunchtime walk today (my right knee is fucking sprained anyhow), I went "shopping" (if you can call it that) at a couple of thrift stores not far from where I work. Now, I'm not a total germophobe, nor am I obsessive-compulsive (too much) about cleanliness but stepping inside the Salvation Army store or my local Goodwill with the intention of actually buying something is really not my favorite activity. "Oh, but you should always support those less fortunate than yourself" you may cry. Of course, if you did cry that, you'd really be wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. H. Wrongy Wrongenstein, you dirty hippy and here's why: if nothing else, the overwhelming aroma of these thrift shops simply screams "musty death n' shit" while the merchandise and clientele of these places both exhibit a level of "used up" which I find to be more than just a bit disturbing. Nevertheless, today I was on the hunt for a plain white sheet which I can subsequently turn into a "ghost" costume for my planned day-before-Halloween Freak Train performace so I mustered up all of my available courage (I lent some out last week and haven't got it back yet) and drove down to West Colorado Avenue which has a Salvation Army store and a motherfuckin' Goodwill within one block of each other.

I started out my substandard shopping today at the Salvation Army store (mostly because it comes up first when you're driving in from East to West) and, as is typical, I didn't find what I needed at this particular musty shithole. I was, though, unpleasantly surprised at the seemingly insanely high prices which the Salvation Army store had tagged it's "merchandise" with. I was so surprised in fact that, upon seeing the price tag on a beat-to-shit octagonal wooden poker table in the back of the store, I had to do a double-take. I looked around to make sure that I was still standing in a shitty thrift store (the smell immediately confirmed it) as opposed to an antiques boutique. Them crazy assholes wanted $225 american dollars for this table which looked as if it had spent the last few years of it's existence out in someone's shed being leaked on and chewed up by squirrels. Just to confirm the fact that this item was NOT, in fact, a "good deal," I checked when I got back to work and confirmed that you can, in fact, purchase a BRAND NEW oak poker table from the FIRST SITE I CHECKED for a mere $194.99. Granted, shipping would kill you if you purchased the item online, but c'mon: A few bills for a brand new oak poker table (including shipping) or ACTUAL FOLDING MONIES in the amount of TWO HUNDRED TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS (US) for a (really) used one which I would swear had been scratched up and shit on by monkeys. I wonder if the Salvation Army store ever actually sells anything.

If they do, they probably laugh their ass off once the vict...er...BUYER leaves the store...Remember, they could sell everything in the store for 5 bucks and they'd STILL make $5.00 pure profit on every sale, yet they mark everything in the store with an unrealistically high price. I guess they figure one big sale is the score that will set them up for life...

So anyway, yeah...The Salvation Army store, for all of the overpriced and stinky shit they had on hand and were attempting to peddle, was lacking a single white sheet so, ever the intrepid shopper, I moved up the street to the Goodwill (which smelled so much like the Salvation Army, I had to take yet another double take). Once I made my way back to the "linens" section (and successfully fought off a lesbian couple shopping for a comforter), I finally found what I had been looking for: a single white sheet that didn't have any weird stains on it or anything. Hell, I was so happy when I found it, I started singing to myself "what kind of ghost will I be, wearing the sheets of the dead?" So yeah, 2 whole bucks later, I'm now the proud owner of a white (well, mostly white) bedsheet that's God-knows-how-old and is now destined (following a thorough laundering, of course) to be the base for my ghostly Halloween costume come the end of the month...You will want to see the sheet in action...Oh, yes...You will want to see it...

As a postscript, as I was leaving the Goodwill, there was one of them homeless types outside who, as soon as I exited, started talking to me...These people always want something and Initially I thought that ol' toofless was asking me for a ride somewhere (a request which I would've refused vehemently) but, after asking the guy to repeat himself, it became clear that he was looking for a light. How clear was it, you ask? Well, he asked me for "fire" and was waving a freshly rolled joint around in his left hand at the same time...Telling the truth (for once), I politely informed this gentleman that I do not carry "fire" with me (I really don't) and departed, smelly sheet in hand...

Lucky for his dumb ass I ain't no cop or nothin'...

Labels: holidays, indignities, lame stories, spooky shit