Ok, do me a quick favor, kids: look around your area and make sure that everything's neat and tidy and that you're ready for the MOTHERFUCKING APOCALYPSE! AAAAAAAAAAA! SACKCLOTH! ASHES! WAILING! GNASHING OF TEETH! MASS PANIC IN THE STREETS! BILLY RAY CYRUS ALBUMS ON AN ENDLESS LOOP! DOGS AND CATS LIVING TOGETHER! FIRE! BRIMSTONE! SAUERKRAUT! THE REMAKE OF THE MOVIE "THE OMEN!"

Oh, the humanity...

Yeah, so it just so happens that TODAY is Tuesday, the 6th of June, 2006. "So fucking what?" you are likely asking, while brushing bagel crumbs off of your newly stained shirt and wiping cream cheese off of your (this one's just for the ladies) slovenly, unshaven face. certainly, if you are an astute reader of this stupid little blog (and who isn't, right?), you would know that I already made mention LAST week of the fact that there are a number of theologians who now believe that the number six hundred sixty six being given the (dubious) distinction as the "number of the (motherfucking) beast" was nothing more than a mathematical error. That's right, kids, a couple thousand years later and these guys are JUST NOW getting around to checking the math. Anyhow, yeah: 666 is right out and now, the REALLY REAL number which the beast calls his (or her) own is REALLY (for the reals) "six hundred sixteen."

Well now...THAT'S anticlimactic...

616. six-one-six. "Number of the beast light: 50 fewer singles than the original number of the beast." Yep, kids, everything you thought you knew about the DEVIL is flat out WRONG: six hundred sixteen is the new number of the beast (and the new number of the beast is 616)...See, for the past TWO THOUSAND YEARS (give or take thirty), it seems that we've been collectively fearful of the WRONG FUCKING NUMBER. Oh, how silly we have been...What's next? Friday the 13th was REALLY SUPPOSED to be Friday the 15th but it fell on a Sunday that year and just wasn't convenient and oh, what the Hell, 13 sounds cooler? DAMMIT! GET YOUR SHIT STRAIGHT, PEOPLE WHO INTEND TO SCARE US ALL! Anyway, this recent development pretty much means that all of the hype surrounding this day which your friendly neighborhood death metal bands, satan worshippers and Hollywood execs have been waiting impatiently for like so many demented kids at Christmas with all of it's spooky, devilish potential is nothing but a load of horseshit. By this logic, the REAL day which we should have been all screwy about would've been the FIRST of June, 2006.'

Newsflash: That day has come and gone...

Yeah, so the "day of the beast," if you believe the NEW number came and went sans fanfare last Thursday. Think back to last Thursday with me, kids...Where were you? What were you doing? Did anything spooky and unexplainable happen last Thursday? Probably not, right? For me, personally, It was a normal day...I went to work, played hockey and went to bed without any apocalypticness. Of course, if you REALLY think about it, if ol' satan were gonna REALLY get us, don't ya think that the bastard would be sneaky enough NOT TO DO IT WHEN WE'RE COLLECTIVELY EXPECTING IT? of course he would! He'd nail us all on some RANDOM damn day, like...August 12th. Nobody expects shit to go down on August 12th! So anyway, if you ARE all skeered 'cause today's 06/06/06, well...Snap the Hell out of it, would ya? Get out and enjoy a beautiful late Spring day...have a picnic, feed some ducks, hold up a 7-11, poke fun at some panhandlers, put burning bags of dog crap on the porch of the local crackhouse, ring the doorbell and run, whatever makes you happy because after all, kids...

Today is just another day...

Labels: holidays, lame stories, misguided rantings, religion