It's that time, once again. When the treetops alight in fiery hues and there hangs a crisp chill in the air, it is understood that Derek can't get his "shit" together and come up with anything worth a damn to post on this "blog." As such, I'm reverting back to that thing which I promised I would "whip out" once posting became strained: The big-time comic strip dialogue contest thing (where you can win prizes)...Heck, you all know the drill by now, right? Good. Here's that comic:
click it, it swells up

So there is it, kids! Fill those vacant spaces with thrilling dialogue (or, at the very least, strings of letters) and, if judged to be the best by a jury of your peers, you too can be like our past winners and experience the glowing pride (and ever-expanding cranium) which only winners know...

Labels: cartoons n' stuff, stagnation, Stupid Contests

Aaaand...

Time...Voting is now closed. Please file out of the gymnasium in an orderly fashion and enjoy the array of refreshments that the PTA has provided for you.

Seriously, thanks to everyone who voted in the big contest (even to those who are operating under the misconception that I cannot stop them). It is now time to reveal the individual who will claim the title of MONARCH OF ALL DIALOGUE or, at the very least, the person who can say, without a doubt, that they received the most votes, coerced or not...Anyhow, I shall not keep you all in suspense any longer...The participant who's comic strip dialogue garnered the most praise was none other than...

(dun dun da dunnnn):

Pat Angello.

Now, to all of you (and you know who you are) who did their best to load the little kid up with votes, a fine effort, but you came up one vote shy. The final score was: Team Angello: 8, Team Jordyn: 7. The rest of the voting results are as follows: my sister came in 3rd with (appropriately enough) 3 (big) votes and my wife "Squee," Andy K. and Celti all tied for 4th with one leetle vote apiece. Again, big thanks to everyone who submitted an entry!..Keep your eyes open, I'll surely whip this contesty-type thing out again before you know it...Perhaps you too can join the ranks of HappyFunBall and now that Pat Angello guy as big winners...

You know you want to...Anyhow, you all have a fine Thursday...

Attention Patrick Angello! You are now the winner of a (super-fabulous) mystery prize! We here at Action Cheese Prize Clearing House merely need to know where to send it! You may inform us of your undislosed location by utilizing the "send me email" link in the upper left corner of this webpage...

Labels: Stupid Contests, tales of triumph

Aaaaaaand....

Time. Please close your workbooks and set your pencils aside...I'll be coming by to pick...I SAID PUT YOUR PENCILS DOWN!..Thank you...

A large "Thank you" goes out to those of you who saw fit to participate in the Big-Time October WriteDialogueForTheComic thing. Now that all of the entries have been received (oh, they have), it's time to display the results and solicit votes from the unwashed masses (that's you and I, by the way). Ready? Hells yeah, you are! LET'S DO IT!..Do I even have to tell you about clicking and making them bigger?


Properly starting things off is the effort of the first individual to take a swing at the comic. Yes, it's Andy K., whom you all know from comment-box fame. I like how Andy used the dialogue to NOT ONLY make '80s rock AND weight problem references, but to berate me for deviating from staid and traditional imagery at the same time...Duly noted! Moving on...


The 2nd person to enter the (big time) competition was ol' Sylvana (herself). I made only a couple of wee small revisions to her dialogue entry and especially enjoyed the "how do you expect me to work with this relic" exchange in the final panel...Fine work!


Collin was the next to step up to the proverbial writin' plate...Before taking a cut at the whole thing, Collin DID warn me (and you, for that matter) that he wasn't feeling terribly inspired. I did like his "tip of the cap," if you will, towards Shaun of the Dead in the last panel there...


The next entry came, ironically enough, from Collin's daughter, Jordyn. Jordyn's just starting kindergarten this year, but her dialogue made about a hair more sense that her dad's did...I'm quite fond of what appears to be an advertisement for a relatively drastic acne treatment in the last panel. Clear you up, indeed!..


The next in the line o' entries in our contest is my sister who decided to get all Shakespearean on us...um...So there's that...No rewrites here!..No siree...


Continuing the parade of completed comic strips, my wife took a stab at writin' dialogue and, despite changing her mind about the last panel, she churned out a respectable effort. I do have bad news for the ghost in panel two, though: It ain't the glow makin' you look fat...


Up next, it's everyone's favorite Celt...um..."Celti" bringing NOT ONLY an obligatory Christopher Walken reference to the fight, but the word "boner" nicely worked in as well...Heh...You said "boner."


Finishing things up today, we have ourselves a Pat Angello sighting! (he's always the last one in on these things) This time, out the door are the homoerotic references from last time and in comes "big time funny" (at least I thought so). The last panel is my favorite...Surely...

Wait a tic...Is Neil Armstrong dead?..

Anyhow, there they are, kids. Now, all that's left is to VOTE on which one is YOUR favorite! The comment box awaits and some sort of "prize" is at stake so MAKE YOUR VOTE COUNT (anyone can vote)...Best of luck to all who entered...

Labels: cartoons n' stuff, Stupid Contests

I am SO not a bundle of blog postin's today. I have to admit, I have a lot of crap rollin' around upstairs today, but it's like I have that "ADHD" stuff or somethin'...I just can't translate any of these "thoughts" into a readable post.

With that said, I'm going to open up October with another of the "write the dialogue for the comic strip" contest things (yes, right on the heels of the inaugural one). Now, because it IS October, and because Columbus Day just isn't as cool of a holiday as "All Hallows Eve," the comic strip, like the rest of the site, is sporting a (spooky) Halloween theme...See? (click for "extra large and spooky" version)
,
Look, it's also in "the color" this time! Anyway, you know the drill...Turn this random chunk of crap into comedy GOLD that will make people spit their morning drink-of-choice all over their monitor and/or piss themselves involuntarily (no pressure). I await your collective creative GENIUS with the "baited breath"...Remember: You could win a "prize," so get on it...I'll be right over here...You know...Waiting to rewrite your stuff...

Labels: cartoons n' stuff, stagnation, Stupid Contests

And so, with the big contest all done and finished and the votes tallied and despite her benevolence in casting one vote for everyone but herself, the (venerable) Happy Fun Ball ended up the big winner of the super double-secret prize thing in my recent (small) "write the dialogue for the random comic strip contest thing (now with twice the fiber!)."

So...Way to go...Yeah...

Others receiving actual "votes," not just booze-fueled pity votes from our winner, include Tuning Spork and everyone's favorite Caucasian Asian, Justin Carmical (shukka shukka doo). Big thanks to everyone who participated in the "contest" and, to those of you who didn't participate: C'MON! WHADDAYA DOIN'!?

Anyhow...

I'm sure that I'll find myself in a position to "fill space" with another of these contest-type thingies before too long so "stay tuned," as they say, there is more to come.

for Happyfunball: congratulations! You have been selected as the winner of a very prestigious contest! Your "prize" is ready to be mailed, we here at Action Cheese News just need to know where to send it...Up in the upper left corner of the page (no, farther up. Yeah, there) is a box that says "send me email." um...so, send me some email. And way to go.

Happy Thursday, kids!..

Labels: Stupid Contests, tales of triumph

warning: this post is LOOOOONG and has a lot of images.
First off, I'd like to thank those of you who participated in the "fill the balloon" comic strip contest thing from last week. There were some efforts put forth which I would consider "admirable," bordering even on "awesome." Some of you, though, have unhealthy obsessions with certain areas of the body which we'll probably need to talk with a counselor about after class. You know who you are. Anyhow, It's now time to unveil the entries and, since I'm a nice guy (sorta) and not necessarily the "iron fist dictator guy" that I COULD be, I'm gonna let you folks VOTE (that's right, the ol' democratic process) on which comic turned out the best...Before I get on wit' 'de bidness of displayin' the (now wordy) comics, a small disclaimer:

this is, after all, my blog/site/thing and I have sole discretion, when interpreting your so-called "script" for the oddly random comic, to re-write any dialogue as I see fit. In fact, I did re-write MOST of the dialogue, either to condense it or simply because I didn't like it. This is not a personal assault on whomever's dialogue I re-wrote, it's merely because I could. Also: click on the things, they'll get bigger. Hang on, here we go...

The first person to "enter the contest," so to speak, was Jessica from New Jersey. I did a little re-writin' on her dialogue, but the spirit, I believe, remained intact. Here is Jessica's entry...We'll call it "Entry #1":


The second individual to toss his (or her) "hat into the ring," so to speak, was our old buddy Collin who warned me (AFTER I read his stuff, mind you) that he "wasn't very funny" on the day that he did this. I think I re-wrote some of his. Either way, here it is:


Up next, the always funny, but insanely wordy HappyFunBall. As you will see, because of all of the dialogue which ol' FunBall typed up, I had to change the format of the "balloons." Still, I think this was the only one that I didn't edit or re-write in any way...Enjoy:


And the next individual to "give it a go" was HonestyRain who, forgive me, but I keep reading as "Honey Strain." Anyhow, she (or he, I don't know. I should really get around to reading more blogs) seems to have an unhealthy obsession with cramming things into the "piewagon" area of the body. It's ok, though, 'cause the contest was all about...um...Words...and stuff...Anyhow, here's HonestyRain's entry:


Next up, in our epic battle of comic strip head-to-head-tohead-to...Anyway, the next person to comment was that Evil Science Chick herself...um...Evil Science Chick. She was the second person to make a soylent green reference in her dialogue. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, what with the fearful reaction of the character in the first panel. Anyhow, here's how ol' ESC fared:


Next up was my sister who fell victim to the trap of knowing whom I patterned the homeless-looking fellow in the second panel after. After a bit of a re-write, her sharp little entry is right here:


The next individual to comment was my friend Diana. She didn't write any dialogue, but was quizzical as to what the title (OMGWTFLOLLOL) of the strip meant. To answer your question: WTF does NOT mean "way too funny."

next up, my wife (Heather or "Squee") gave the whole "writin' dialogue" thing a whack. I think that she was a little perturbed when I told her that I may have re-wrote her entry a slight bit. Either way, here it is in all of it's glory:


Next up...(look, I know that this is a lot of stuff, but just bear with me, only a few more to go. SIT DOWN! No, you can't take a bathroom break...Where was I?) Yes, next up is the Rocket Man of MuNu himself, Ted or Rocket Jones as he's known to his contemporaries. Ted had himself an artistic vision, something about mimes. Anyway, ignoring that, I did this one just for him:

Ted DID add a post to his blog directing people to come to MY blog and enter THIS contest. So for that, I say "thanks."

Next up, Professor Kakyouin himself, Justin Carmical tried his hand at fillin' the ol' comic strip balloons with "words" and things. His entry is here:


The next fine fellow to throw a few words the way of the blank strip was the only one garnered from Rocket's plea for entries, the Tuning Spork. I have to say, I liked the Spork's idea of carrying a theme through the strip. Check it out, it's right here:


And finally, we come to the last entry. In fact, it was SO MUCH the last entry, that it came in while I was creating the finished strips yesterday. That's right, the vaunted Pat Angello took time away from maintaining his fan club and writing freak train stuff to type up a little comic strip dialogue for us. Here that is right here in all of it's oddly homo-erotic "glory":


So there you have it. You know, if you've made it this far and actually LOOKED at all of the strip entries, you should probably be commended, that shows effort and commitment. Now, though, your work is not done. Oh no, NOW you have to VOTE for the one you liked the MOST! So go ahead! Comment away and tell me who's entry deserves the double-super-secret PRIZE that I mentioned...

Labels: cartoons n' stuff, Stupid Contests

**Update** So that I can get the most out of this half-assed post, and so that all 10 of you (or so) will get a chance to "compete," I'm suspending "Phrickin' Photoblog Phriday" for this week and leaving this one up over the weekend. Now, if you haven't already, get crackin' with the funny stuff, you!

so here a while back, I posted a small comic strip that made no sense for two reasons: one was that it wasn't supposed to and the second was that the dialogue, what there was of it, was in different languages. I offered the ever elusive "bonus points" (and maybe a prize) for the first person to translate it. While nobody actually did translate it 100%, some of the comments left were so entertaining that I thought I might just post a strip without any dialogue the next time and have you wonderful people write the strip. And offer a prize (maybe). Before we get into all of that, however, I am going to show you what the strip said in English: click it to make it all "readable"

granted, not everything translated correctly, but the basic meaning stayed intact (except for the japanese in the final frame because, let's face it, I'm sure that I broke it up wrong and someone who actually could read Japanese would be all like..."what?"). So anyhow, here comes your big chance for fame and possibly a prize! FILL THE BUBBLES WITH SPEAKIN'!

again, click it, it gets big. I await your collective creative genius with eager anticipation...Have fun.

Labels: cartoons n' stuff, Stupid Contests

A while back, I posted a couple of banners which I had whipped up and entered into Rocket Jones' banner contest...Also a while back, but (obviously) a wee bit after that post, I had posted the fact that I thought I might have WON said banner contest...

Winning rules, losing drools...But we all know this...Anyway...

As it turned out, I DID end up as the beeg weener, as the banner that was closest to mine in votes was slipped in anonymously by Rocket himself...Best part about all this, there was a PRIZE associated with this contest...

Gosh, I love prizes...Who doesn't, right?..

Well, not too long ago, Rocket Jones himself contacted me (via the "email") stating that he had my "prize" ready to send, all he needed was my mailing address...Being the trusting soul that I am (also greedy: c'mon, man, PRIZES) I responded in a rapid fashion with the needed information. While I was recently away on vacation, my prize arrived via the USPS...After I opened the envelope and had a look inside, I realized that I was suddenly in the presence of quite possibly the coolest prize I've ever won, rivaling even the $20 gift certificate I won when I was 9 that I spent almost solely on candy and treats at my local Alco...

Damn, that was a lot of candy...Twenty bucks worth, and them's 1983 dollars!..No wonder I was such a fat little kid...But I digress...

My (completely awesome) prize from the Rocket Man looks like THIS:
click on it to see it beeeger


Now, I ask of you...Is that, or is that not, the coolest...prize...ever?..You may be currently scratching your leetle head, wondering what the prize actually is (probably due to the reflection in the photo). Since I'm nothing if not "helpful," I will tell you what it is...It's a collectible lapel pin of a Quebec Nordiques goalie, fool! It kicks the major ass! Anyone who knows me will know why I feel this way...Come to think of it, even if you don't "know me," you've probably got a good idea...Seriously, look at it! It's so COOL...

Anyway...

I must take this opportunity to say a hearty "thank-you" to Rocket Jones, for handing out the best prizes, bar none. This, kids, is why you should enter contests and stuff.

Labels: hockey stuff, lame stories, sports, Stupid Contests, tales of triumph

A while back, I showed you the two entries which I submitted for Rocket Jones' banner contest. Now, I don't know if anything is official, or if I've won, but one of my two banners is now up at the top his site with a blurb to the right of it...

Oh yeah...The blurb mentions that Jon Giles is a "pussy"...ROCK ON, ROCKET!

Labels: lame stories, Stupid Contests, tales of triumph

You know what? I finally got around to adding some more links to my sidebar. I know, I'm shocked too.

In other "shocking" news, Collin has another of his big fun pulp cover Photoshop contests for fun things up at his wee blog. You should go and check it out! Is big fun. I was able to sneak a couple of cover ideas in today, between the crushing pain of working on deadline ads. THEY LOOK LIKE THIS!

Actually, it's probably be better if I showed you the original cover. THAT looks like this:

I usually try very hard to stay with the original fonts, y'know, for an authentic feel, but there were a couple of problems with that this time. One is that I don't have that EXACT font. The second is that, because I wrote slightly longer copy lines than the original cover has, the title font there just didn't work. As such, I went with something totally different. That said, HERE ARE MY VERSIONS! Clicky to see them bigger!


It'll tip over at any moment...


Way to go, lazy...


Eh...I hate coffee anyway...


It's like living in a P.S. Mueller Cartoon...

So there's that for now. I have to get some more work done. You all have a nice day.

***UPDATE***
Andy thought it, and so I felt compelled to bring it to life. Behold:

When a good copywriter types, you must heed it...

Labels: collin crap, Phun With Photoshop, Stupid Contests

Sometime in the late 80s, or maybe the early 90s, the scourge that is Caller I.D. technology was made available to the pathetic, mewling masses. Of course, there ARE ways to work around said identification technology but, if you're on a PBX system (as we are here at work), you simply can't use such methods block an outgoing call. As it stands, that makes it quite hard to call someone and tell them you're calling from the bustling metropolis that is New York City when you are, in fact, calling from Colorado Springs, CO. Because they have this "Caller ID," they won't believe you and your prank, which would've been a rockin' one, is foiled. FOILED! This is the reason that my first prank on Friday went belly up. The second one, though, went very well...

It was suggested that I target one of the people who works here at the agency. This particular person has come up with some pretty questionable campaign ideas which just flat out aren't selling. The gist of the prank was that I would call him and pretend to be the General Manager of a dealership in New Jersey (utilizing my thickest, goombah Jersey accent) that wanted to use some of the aforementioned "lame" stuff which he came up with and, subsequently, do business with the agency. A lot of business, in fact, along the lines of $100,000 per month. I had to enlist the cooperation of the front desk lady, specifically in bypassing the caller ID that is on his phone. In fact, just about everybody knew what was gonna go down except for him. Anyhow, I made the call and fooled him good. I could type more details, but it just wouldn't do the call justice. I will pass along that the "victim" was so mad that the whole thing was a joke, that he had to go walk around to "cool off." Hee hee heeeee.

Mission accomplished...

Now, on to current events. Collin is having a fun little Photoshop (or whichever image editing software you non-professionals would use) contest featuring a lovely pulp cover from the 50s. You should all participate! My (3) entries are featured below. You may click on any of them to see them larger:


I've got PRUNE HANDS!



That guy in the bushes is just creepy.



Tree bark hurts a bit...

In addition to all of that, Rocket Jones is having a banner design contest. Since I'm apt to do such things, here are the two that I slapped together for that:


That, kids, is Werner Von Braun of World War Two Rocket fame. In this banner, he's cursing up a storm (in German) and looks quite upset (also in German).



I ripped the image off of an old Oldsmobile ad, but I still like it.

So there's that! All of you! Go and participate in the contests! It will make you feel happy. HAPPY! That is all.

Labels: all those funny voices, lame stories, Phun With Photoshop, Stupid Contests

Quizzes and crap...The ultimate "space filler." They're relatively easy, kind of fun and even slightly interesting...Dare I say, they're "better than nothing." With a lead-in like that, you have NO CHOICE but to expect a "quiz" entry (or a "meme" as some folks call it). You're mostly correct, except this is one of those "never ending story" type of quizzes. THIS, kids, is the "interview game."

I am participating in this thing because Diana participated on her blog. I know, I know, "If everyone jumped off a bridge, blah blah blah." I AGREED to be interviewed as part of the RULES! WE MUST ALL FOLLOW THE RULES! ahem. As such, I present the rules:

THE INTERVIEW GAME RULES:

Here's how you can play the interview game:
1. Leave me a comment which says "interview me" (or something similar). The first five commenters will be the participants.

2. I will follow up this (awe inspiring) post with the questions for those who would participate, 5 queries per participant (all customized!).

3. Participants will update their respective blog/site with the answers to the aformentioned questions.

4. In addition, participants will include this set of rules and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, participants will ask them five questions. (Write your own questions or borrow some.)

See? Never ending. What follows are the posers which Diana had for me (and my subsequent answers...Hurrh):
-----
1. What was your first day on the job as a DJ like?
Initially, I started as a board operator at KSPZ. My sister got me the job (she was the 6 to midnight host on KSPZ at the time). After a while, due to a shift in thinking by the consultant, all of us "no talky" board operators became "live DJs" because we were there and we worked cheap. I was totally psyched about "going live", because I figured that being a DJ was my true calling. I remember being nervous before and during my first shift on the air as a real, honest-to-God disc jockey, but I remember feeling afterward that I had done a pretty good job. Later, though, when I listened to my "air check" from the show (an air check is a tape which is scoped to just include the open mic breaks) I was pretty well crushed. It was the worst pile of stinking crap I had ever heard. Suffice to say, I didn't give up and I've gotten slightly better since then...

2. How did you meet Heather?
A friend of my sister's had passes to a sneak preview of Mighty Ducks 2. As such, my friend Ryan and I went with him. Early on, while the movie was playing, the film broke. During the ensuing span of time while that whole "broken film" problem was being remedied, we began talking to the girls in the seats in front of us, who turned out to be Heather, her twin sister Shannon and their friend "whatsername." We found out that they were all 16 and were freshmen at Sierra high school. They found out that I was, among other things, on the radio. After too long, Heather and Shannon (and their mom) started bringing me food at the radio station on a regular basis. They came to be known as my "groupies." We kept in contact after Heather went to college and, eventually, got all "married." The end.

3. When did you learn to play hockey?
in 1996, after the Avalanche won their first Stanley Cup. I had always wanted to be a goalie and, since I was an adult (mostly) and could (kind of) afford to buy the gear, I decided that it was high time to learn to skate and play goal and stuff, starting with inline hockey. It was rough at first, I wasn't any good at all, but I stuck with it because it was fun and good exercise. I broke a few ribs the first time I played ice hockey, but even that wasn't enough to deter me. I love hockey...I'm gonna try and make up for the fact that I started playing it later in life by playing until I'm 60. Wish me luck.

4. When you think back about you, me, the gang back in high school, can you tell any good stories from back in the day, since you're a good story teller and all?
To tell the truth, I have no recollection of a "gang" from high school, but I can, perhaps, impart a tale or two about you. Sadly, you were (and are) too intelligent to do anything "stupid" or "goofy," so nothing terribly funny sticks out in my mind. I do recall that the first time that I went to the Renaissance Festival was with you and your mom and dad. At the fair, we were lucky enough to be in the front row for the Puke & Snot show, which didn't seem lucky at all when they started their little "spitting chewed-up carrots and water at the audience" routine. Still, despite the regurgitation in my hair, the whole day was a lot of fun.

5. What is the best prank you ever played on someone? Would your victim(s) agree it was good or do they talk to you anymore?
Hee hee heeeee...The absolute best prank that I ever pulled was an April Fools prank call which I perpetrated a couple of years ago. For the prank, I called up Cameron, who worked with us at the agency. He's from Canada and, at one point prior to my making the call, he had gone back to Canada and, while trying to come back to the states, was delayed 4 or 5 days because of mixups with his Visa. I claimed, through my best French-Canadian accent, to be Pierre Desjardin, from the ministry in Ottawa. I told Cam that there were problems still with his Visa paperwork and that he'd have to come back to Canada and clear up the matter immediately. He laughed, so I asked him, in a stern tone, "you are not taking this matter seriously?"

at that point, he stammered and said, like a good little monkey, "I'm sorry, sir." I knew then that I SO HAD HIM!..

I strung him along for a while, saying that he was to fly out of Denver at a time which he couldn't possibly make. I also told him that if he refused to comply, local authorities would apprehend him and transport him to Canada. Cameron was getting more and more (genuinely) frustrated and was not happy about the whole (fake) situation, which was thoroughly understandable, since my (fake) demands were (intentionally) unreasonable. Finally, I got to a point in the call where I "confirmed the date" with him (April 1st) and then asked him "what holiday IS that in America?" That let him know that he was off the hook...

he was relieved to find out that it was all a joke, and he actually thought that the whole thing was awesome. He kept saying "you got me! You got me!" The prank didn't make him hate me, in fact we talked last week when he visited the agency. My only regret is that I was unable to record the whole thing, because typing about it just doesn't do it justice...
------

So there's that. Anyone that wishes to be interviewed, leave a comment to that effect...Have a good weekend, kids!

Labels: Done Got Tagged, lame stories, me roots, Stupid Contests

AND...Time. Please place your pencils on your desks and stop working. I'll collect the quizzes now and...HEY! I SAID STOP WORKING!..Thank you. As I was saying, I'll now collect the quizzes and begin grading them. Thanks to those of you who participated. For those of you who decided to "skip school," as it were, I guess we'll just see you again next year...ON WITH THE ANSWERS!

1. Collin served in WHAT capacity in the entertainment industry?
OK, kind of a trick question. So much so, in fact, that even Collin didn't know...heh...The correct answer is that Collin worked in a movie theatre prior to going into the Air Force. You can read about some of his hijinks here.

2. Collin has lived in a foreign country (and didn't enjoy the food). Which one was it?
England. He tells me that the food is quite bland.

3. Collin served in WHAT branch of the armed forces?
Collin served in the Air Force, coincidentally during the first Gulf War. In fact, this is the reason he lived in that aforementioned "foreign country." He was stationed at RAF Upper Heyford.

4. At which place of business was I Collin's iron-fisted supervisor?
This would be the Gazette. I was also Collin's arch nemesis during the great rubberband war...You can read about what REALLY happened during the skirmishes right here.

5. Collin has spawned! How many times and what are the names which correspond to his progeny?
2, one girl (Jordyn) and one boy (Justin).

6. Collin has SIBLINGS! How many?
Now, I didn't know this answer for sure, so I went straight to the source. According to Collin, He grew up as an only child. He also has 7 total siblings. You do the math.

7. Collin plays no sports. His brother, however, plays WHICH SPORT in common with me?
Hockey, yes. Trevor, like me, is a goalie. In fact, for extra credit, you can read Collin's account of the first time that we played against each other here.

8. True or False: Collin's mom has threatened me in the past.
This is true, in fact Jack had it nearly dead on in his answer. Collin, at one time, had a strange lump on his neck and I, being a smartass, said "don't worry, it's malignant." Collin's mom caught wind of my comment and, via Collin, let me know that if it turned out to be a tumor, she would kill me. Still not sure why. Oh, yeah, it was...um...nothing, I think. I'm still alive.

9. What floor is Collin's apartment on?
Ground floor, kids. Ground floor.

10. Collin was a deviant delinquent child. What crime did he perpetrate when he was very young?
When Collin was younger, he and an accomplice let the air out of people's tires and, when they were spotted, ran from the cops. You can read his full confession right here.

So that's it! Heather looks like the big winner with 8 out of 10. That tells you how enigmatic Collin really is, his own girlfriend can't muster more than 80% on a quiz about him. "Close, but no cigar," goes to my wife AND Jenn who tied with 7 of 10, Andy K got an impressive 6 of 10 correct, El Sid did admirably considering the circumstances and got 3 correct. Jack, proving that even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and then, got 1 of 10 right by just being a "smartass." Still, most creative answers award (if there were such a thing) would go his way. Fine work, thanks for playing, kids!

Labels: collin crap, Done Got Tagged, Stupid Contests

in honor of Collin's birthday, I was going to author an extensive post about how long I've known him and how he's not a real person so much as a ghost with special ghosty powers and how he's now, not just a friend, but a welcome member of the family since he's dating my sister, but...

I...couldn't...finish...it.

As such, I am going to post a birthday trivia quiz ALL ABOUT COLLIN. I'll admit up front, I'm just gonna make some of this stuff up, but the person (who isn't Collin) who gets the most right answers (you! post your answers in the "comment" section!) will earn...um...a prize...or...something...Gimme a break, kids, I'm just flyin' by the seat of my pants here...

HERE WE GO!

1. Collin served in WHAT capacity in the entertainment industry?

2. Collin has lived in a foreign country (and didn't enjoy the food). Which one was it?

3. Collin served in WHAT branch of the armed forces?

4. At which place of business was I Collin's iron-fisted supervisor?

5. Collin has spawned! How many times and what are the names which correspond to his progeny?

6. Collin has SIBLINGS! How many?

7. Collin plays no sports. His brother, however, plays WHICH SPORT in common with me?

8. True or False: Collin's mom has threatened me in the past.

9. What floor is Collin's apartment on?

10. Collin was a deviant delinquent child. What crime did he perpetrate when he was very young?

So that's it! Happy birthday, Collin! Oh, and after you've all completed the "Collin Quiz," head over to Collin's site and fill his comments with well wishes and such. He'll get all misty over it...Heh.

Labels: collin crap, holidays, Stupid Contests

One more reminder about the story contest going on currently at the forum. DEADLINE IS WEDNESDAY! The rules, for those of you who haven't ventured over to find out, are as follows:

There are a set of words. You must integrate these words into the story. Also, sometimes there's a theme. In this case, the theme is that all stories have to take place in England. The words for this round are as follows:

Kerfuffle
Serene
Bittersweet
Demure
Invoke
Knowledge
Mutilate
Mesmerize

Story writin' is FUN! Head to Head Death Match style Story Writin' is even more so. You shall participate, if you haven't done so already. Big "ups" (as the kids say) to those who have already participated! To fill space, I will now share MY entry in this contest with you...now...

As Sergei stepped out of the jetway into the terminal, he scanned the seats for a familiar face, any face that could bring him some sort of comfort. It had been a rough flight in every sense of the word and, making matters worse for him, his thoughts had been anything but serene. She had told him when he left that she'd be right here, waiting for him. She had spoken her promise, but her eyes, he thought, told a different tale. He was fearful that, not only would she not be at the airport, but that he'd never have the pleasure of her company again. It seemed that they'd grown apart during the last few months and his having to return to Chelyabinsk to tend to the death of his mother only strained their relationship further. Certainly, it had been a bittersweet relationship at best, but he knew that he loved her. He loved her more than he could say, perhaps it was the language barrier between the two of them or perhaps it was merely Sergei's own insecurities, but he never felt that he was expressing his feelings effectively, nor was she offering him the opportunity to do so...

Standing at the baggage carousel, Sergei allowed himself to reflect on the first time that he saw her in the restaurant, so quiet, so demure. The fact that she was absolutely mutilating her lunch while she ate belied her petite stature and was instantly endearing to him. He recalled how he had offered to lay down a tarp for her and how she had smiled wryly back at him and asked him, politely, to kiss her ass. This led to their first conversation and, of course, their first date. It was no wonder why he insisted upon invoking her wrath every time he got the opportunity to do so. Seeing her get all kerfuffle, as she was apt to say that he made her, gave his heart a flutter. Simply put, she was mesmerizingly beautiful in his eyes, even when she was at her worst.

As Sergei emerged from his daydream and collected his baggage, he scanned the faces around him one more time, desperately searching for her, hoping against hope that she would, indeed, be there to comfort him and to take him home where she would rub the tension from his shoulders and listen to him ramble on about his homeland and all of the people he had seen during his trip. How strange, he thought, that he hardly missed his own mother, whom he had just buried, but that the girl who has been on his mind so much over the last few days seemed to consume his whole being, even though now it was clear that she didn't even care for him enough to keep a simple promise. Forlorn and defeated, carrying his heavy luggage and an even heavier heart, Sergei hailed a taxi and headed for his flat.

As the driver negotiated the streets of Manchester, heading toward Sergei's home in Macintosh Village, Sergei came to the realization that had never felt more alone in his life than at that moment. Like a crushing weight, the knowledge that he'd no longer have the pleasure of dancing with her, or dining with her or drifting off to sleep with her securely in his arms, made it increasingly harder to breathe. Sergei now felt trapped in a dark world, filled with despair. He had to find a way out, he thought to himself.

After what seemed like an eternity, the sedan pulled up to the curb outside his home. Sergei emerged and handed the driver the fare, augmented by whatever else he had on him. Cash, jewelry, credit cards, it didn't matter anymore. He'd have no need for those things where he was going anyway, he thought. On the ride up to his flat in the elevator, he planned out the whole scene. His handgun was in his top desk drawer, the bullets for that gun were in the second drawer in the kitchen and the tarp...Yes, the tarp that he'd lay out as a courtesy to whomever found him was underneath his bed. He'd enjoy his last glass of wine and pull the trigger in front of the far window, he thought, so that he could enjoy the view that she had loved so much one last time.

About this same time, a lovely young woman who had been napping at the airport rose from her seat and looked around. She had drifted off to sleep while waiting for a friend and was suddenly aware that it was well past time for his arrival. Strolling over to check the arrival screen, she saw that his plane, indeed, had arrived as scheduled but at gate 12, not at gate 4 as she had originally expected. Scurrying around the baggage claim and the taxi stand, but not finding him in either location, she decided that he had simply gone home on his own and that she should depart too. She was eager to meet up with him so she could comfort him and share the special dinner that she had prepared for the both of them. It surely would be a special night tonight, she thought to herself as she buckled herself in for the ride home...

A very special night indeed.

Labels: sad stories, Stupid Contests

Ever done something regularly and then simply gone AWOL? Yeah, that would be me, in regards to the ultra-cool story contest thing that regularly happens at Collin's forum. This time, though, for round 12, I am back in the fold and WILL participate. I can say this with confidence because I ALREADY HAVE MY STORY WRITTEN! It flowed out earlier and, I have to say, I'm satisfied with it. Satisfied enough to post it, at least. I am waiting, however, because I don't feel like being the first to post. Why? Maybe because I'm insane. Either way, you should all follow my lead and write stories! You should then post said stories at the forum! Go! Do it!

I hear that people will love you more if you post a story. You want to be loved more, right? RIGHT!? Yeah, thought so. PARTICIPATE IN THE STORY CONTEST!

Labels: collin crap, Stupid Contests