Unless you're one of those U2 fans. Oh, Hell, click the link (down there) regardless. Ol' Maddox'll set you straight...

The Eleven Worst Songs of 2004

Enjoy it (because I did).

Labels: blatant rip-offs, pointless shit

I remember back when I was a kid, and mind you this was AFTER that one week (or so) where I actually believed that Santa Claus was real, I would look forward to this "Christmas" holiday thing with the most eager of anticipation. Granted, Halloween was (and is) still my FAVORITE holiday, but Christmas was probably a close second, as it meant so many wonderful things when I was young. There were the spontaneous visits from UPS which I loved so much, the brown truck driven by the brown man, bearing (brown) gifts of all shapes and sizes (wrapped in brown paper) from all across the country. As well, there were the clandestine present shaking and rearranging excursions that my sister and I would embark upon. Of course, there were also the incessant attempts to convince my mother to let us open a present early, if only ONE single present ONE measly day early. If we had to perform even the most horridly menial tasks for the privilege of a sneak present peek, it all seemed worthwhile...

Hey, I feel like "getting sidetracked" right about here...Don't worry, though, we'll come back to this...

One year I got a BB gun for Christmas. No, it wasn't the Red Ryder Carbine Action somethin' somethin' range model air rifle (with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time), but it was good enough to shoot some cans off of sawhorses and (slowly) kill some grasshoppers. At the time, it may well have been the best Christmas present I had ever received. I still have it, though I don't do much shootin' with it anymore..ah, the memories...I need to buy some BBs...

My family was (and is) slightly cruel to one another regarding Christmas gifts. We used to do (fun) things, such as wrapping up the biggest box we could get our hands on. This box, of course, would be filled with packing materials. It would also contain, buried deep within said "materials," smaller and smaller boxes, much like those despicable Russian Nesting Dolls, so as to make the journey to one of those "real good presents" last for much longer than it should have. I remember one year, so as to fool my sister, we wrapped up a note which detailed where she could find one of her presents, rather than wrapping the present itself. If I remember right, this was so she wouldn't "guess what the present was" by "shaking" or "feeling" said package. Regardless of the motive, it worked. She was completely surprised by...Whatever the Hell she got...I can't remember...Also, before Christmas, my dad would always convince my mom that they shouldn't get anything for each other, only to turn around and spend hundreds, if not thousands of dollars on her. Mom never really did learn her lesson and always had the most presents to open. Dad, in turn, would lament the fact that he had so few...He's funny like that...

So, back to what I was saying earlier...

I had myself a "revelation" regarding Christmas presents this year. An "epiphany," of sorts, regarding my mother. I always knew that my father despised the fact that we would open all of our presents on Christmas Eve, after dinner. When he was a kid, he would tell us, he had to wait until Christmas Day. My mom countered that HER family tradition was to open the gifts on Christmas Eve, after a nice dinner. As such, us kids always sided with mom. After all, who likes to WAIT to open presents? As a concession to dad, though, we agreed that we wouldn't be able to peek into our stockings until Christmas day, a stipulation which my sister and I would circumvent by merely staying up past midnight, which was easy to do when you had so much new stuff to play with...Of course, there was the year where we were bad and didn't get stockings...I think that "year" stretched into 3, I'm not sure...We were pretty bad...Anyhow...

Man, I'm really getting sidetracked...OK, back to the "epiphany" stuff...Here it comes: I realize now that all of that "family tradition" stuff that my mom fed my dad was probably a load of what is commonly called "crap."

My mom loves presents. She loves to shake presents. She loves to look at presents. She loves to rearrange presents. Of course, more than all of that, she loves opening presents. All of this "opening presents on Christmas Eve" junk wasn't born of "tradition," it was born of plain old "impatience." Seriously, I now believe that mom would've opened the presents just as soon as they went under the tree if she thought she could get away with it, she's that impatient about the whole process. All of this came to light for me this year because, due to the fact that my wife and I were going to be out of town the week before Christmas, we brought all of the presents that we wrapped up to my parents house since we'd be opening them all there anyway. From the time mom saw the mound of gifts, an "assload" by some standards, she couldn't stop talking about them, touching them and generally drooling over them...She even rearranged them a couple of times while we were away, my dad told me.

All this time!..I had thought I was the one who was impatient about Christmas when I was a kid. Imagine how hard it was for HER while my sister and I were growing up, having to put on her "adult" persona and not become a goofy, giddy three year old as soon as presents went under the tree. I salute you, mom. It must've been awful...

I got a lot of very nice things for Christmas this year, including a $50 gift certificate to what I consider to be the best liquor store here in town. This was a gift from my parents who told me that they "didn't know what kind of alcohol to buy me." Granted, I don't remember ASKING for booze, but I will say that it's definitely the gift that will keep on giving (until, of course, whatever I end up buying is gone). I got my wife as many St. Louis Blues related items as I could and she, in turn, got me a new goalie bag, an item which I was definitely in need of. Of the gifts I purchased for other people, my favorite would have to be two personalized items which I got from my Cafepress store. One for my mom and one for my dad. In case you're wondering (and you know you are) they enjoyed them very much. At least they said they did...In keeping with the thoroughly random randomness of this post, I offer the following: I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, if you celebrate that sort of thing. Regardless, I hope everyone had a wonderful and bright holiday season!

By the way, I still get a little excited when I see a UPS truck. Too bad they don't stop by as often as I'd like...

Labels: holidays, lame stories, me roots

And I just got back from it. There's just SO MUCH that I have to share from my time away that, in lieu of writing 20 different long, drawn-out stories, I am forced to (once again) rip off the Monkey's blog style for today's entry. Ready? here we go...

My wife and I traveled to Las Vegas last Monday to spend some time with family and friends. It seems that there are more and more people to see every time we go out that way, with the most recent addition to Sin City being Andy, whom you all know from the clever comments which he leaves from time to time. This Andy is not to be confused with Andy C., just so's you all keep things straight. THIS Andy, Andy K., recently landed a job at SKG advertising as a copywriter. Way to go, Andy!
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And speaking of Andy (We were), his wife Andrea paid him a surprise visit on Wednesday, which we were all aware of, but had to keep a secret, for obvious reasons. IT'S SO HARD TO NOT SPILL THE BEANS! Luckily, nobody ruined the surprise, which turned out to be a "good one." When she arrived, Andrea took a cab from McCarran to SKG, snuck up behind Andy and gave him a "kiss." Andy was scared to turn around, as he said, because when Andrea kissed him, what started running through his mind were all of the girls that had been nice to him...AND ONE GUY! He said that, if it HAD been the guy, he was prepared to "punch him."
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Backtracking to Monday, I had booked our flight on a "low-fare" airline called Allegiant. I booked the hotel with them as well, part of a package deal for which I paid an insanely low price. Sometimes, it is true that you "get what you pay for." Upon arrival at the Colorado Springs Airport, it was clear that, even though we got through the security and check-in process with plenty of time to spare, not everyone would be as fortunate. Allegiant, being the cheap-asses that they are, subcontract out the check-in and United, being the cheap-asses that THEY are, only allotted Allegiant one very slow station which was, in turn, "staffed" by one very slow individual. The check-in line extended far beyond a very far away place and things looked very bleak for an on-time departure. All of this "crap" conspired to put us a full hour and a half behind schedule. In addition, when we finally made it to our hotel, good ol' Allegiant, it seemed, simply failed to make our hotel reservation. Perhaps you can imagine my displeasure when I was told that, according to the Orleans, I didn't exist. Apparently, during the tirade of curse words which I followed THAT revelation up with, I must've hit on some "secret password" because we not only got a room soon after, but we were given a significantly better room than the folks around us who also were checking in (and existing) got.
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Speaking of crappy, low-fare airlines (oh, we were), Allegiant Air is officially "on notice" to "watch their ass." Listen here, you jerks! I've already utilized my (considerable) psychic powers to put Vanguard Airlines out of business and, believe me, I won't think twice about using that shit on you...
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On a lighter note, We (myself, my wife, Andy, Heather's Sister Shannon and Shannon's boyfriend Aldie) got together at P.F. Chang's on Monday evening. If you've never eaten at a Chang's before, I highly recommend doing so. If you HAVE enjoyed Chang's fare prior to reading this entry, you know what unbridled food-related bliss the whole experience can be. Say it with me..."Lettuce wraps."
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By the way, the whole "not having a hotel reservation" thing DID get cleared up, but I'm still not backing off of Allegiant. Someone's getting a letter, dammit.
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In addition to Chang's on Monday, my wife and I joined Andy (and Andrea) for dinner on Wednesday at Diego, which is in the MGM Grand. I will admit, I was a bit leery of "gourmet Mexican" fare going in but I'm a believer now. Two words for you folks. Well, 3. No, make it 4. "Guacamole, prepared fresh tableside." Oh holy crap, THAT is some damn good stuff. Unfortunately, for Andy, it was his first experience with guacamole. He enjoyed it immensely, as did we all, but I assured him that after having THIS particular guacamole, most others would really suck by comparison. Also, we had goat barbacoa. That is some good stuff, lemme tell ya.
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Well, that should be enough for now. Later on, I'll fill you all in about things such as how I participated in an actual poker tournament, how many presents my wife got from her dad and stepmom (enough to pop the seams in our luggage) and perhaps more dining experiences, since we go to Las Vegas primarily to eat food and get fat. Until then, I hope you all had a great holiday and, if you're back at work today, I hope you can make the best of it. If you're NOT back at work today...Well...Sleep in...Or somethin'...I dunno.

Labels: blatant rip-offs, get outta town, I eat food, indignities, poker

But, as most people well know, it certainly isn't the first time. Yes, it is true, I was unable to come up with anything worth posting over the weekend. What this means is that I also won't have anything worth posting until (roughly) Friday, maybe Saturday, due to the fact that I will be without access to a computer (that I know of) for the next few days.

Have a good week, Kids, and have a happy holiday!

Labels: holidays, stagnation

I would TRULY love to post something for (you) people to read today. I would absolutely love nothing more than to string some words together that could potentially make someone laugh or, at the very least, elicit a smirk here and there. That being said, and as much as I'd love to do all of that...

I just don't think it's gonna happen today...

"But why, you slacking piece of slacky crap?" I hear you ask, again with that oh-so-familiar "indignant tone."

The short answer is "because." The long answer is "because I'm busy."

See, I'm going on vacation (again) here soon...As such, I won't be at work all of next week. Traditionally, on the last day that I'm going to be around before vacation, my boss tends to "load me down" with little crappy crap projects, just to get them out of the way and, presumably, just to squeeze whatever work out of me that she can before I go blissfully off to enjoy my vacation (and, obviously, "not do any work."). This is THAT day, and it's no different from the other "that days" that have come before it. I am currently inundated with wee, menial projects...

However, since you were kind enough to stop by, I shall throw another random little drawing your way...um...Here, try this one!

So there you go...I'll try my damnedest to put together something cohesive this weekend, just because...well...I don't know...Nonetheless, I will try...

I promise.

Labels: get outta town, lame stories, random drawings, stagnation

I had a post all set to...um...post, but after I previewed and read it, I simply didn't like it. I may rethink it and retool it and post it later...or I may simply scrap it...In the mean time, I distract you with this hastily constructed comic, for which I offer no explanation
(or apologies for that matter)...Enjoy.


Go ahead, click on it. You'll be able to read it if you do.

Imagine how bad the post I SCRAPPED must've been, yeah?

Labels: collin crap, Phun With Photoshop, random drawings, stagnation

I'm sure that, at some point in your life, you've had "food" (or "whatever") "go down the wrong pipe," as it were, and, as such, commenced with "the choking" (to death)...As life-threatening situations go, It's not a whole lot of fun, the "choking." I personally had a run-in with some well-done steak way back in 1988 which, out of spite I'm sure, lodged in my throat and forced me into a visit to the "emergency room." During the whole ordeal, and after the "muscle relaxants" were administered, I was diagnosed with a "narrowing esophagus," which is a condition that has led to me taking "smaller bites" and also "chewing my food thoroughly," mostly out of the fear that I could die a horrible, chokey death. Despite my best efforts, though, food-related items still get "hung up" in that defective esophagus of mine from time to time. I'll tell ya, "waiting for stuck food to work it's way down" is not an ideal way to spend your time...

But enough about me, our story today is mostly about Collin...Well...It ends with him...Oh, Hell, just read it and find out...

Way back in the "dark ages" when Collin and I both toiled away at the Gazette, we had a female "co-worker" (for a while) who had, at one time, been a corrections officer. For the purposes of this tale, mostly because I cannot recall her first name, she will be referred to as "Officer Stone." During this same period of time (the "Officer Stone era"), we also worked with a dirty little overly ambitious ho named Carleen who, as it turned out, had gone to high school with Officer Stone. Stone had disliked Carleen intensely in high school, so much so in fact, that Stone's hatred towards her still burned brightly when they both worked at the Gazette. Stone would repeatedly regale Collin and I with (thrilling) tales of how she used to "make fun of Carleen" in school and, as such, "make her cry." I'm sure that Carleen ALSO still disliked Officer Stone, though we never really saw the "sparks fly." Their paths rarely crossed seeing as Carleen was a day-shifter and Stone, like Collin and myself, was a night-shifter. Still, to sum up, it was obvious that them chicks was like oil and water...It would've taken very little to push them both over the edge...

Hey, wouldn't some random Carleen information go real good right here?..You bet it would!..

Carleen was kind of a dork who considered herself NOT ONLY "uber-cool," but also a "bit of a witch." As a matter of course, she dressed up as the aforementioned "witch," or so she thought, for Halloween her first year at the Gazette. I added the line "or so she thought" because, in lieu of lookin' all witchy, she looked a lot more like your typical garden variety 70s pimp, ala Huggy Bear, Except for that whole "being female and white" thing. Anyhow, It truly was the pinnacle of entertainment watching her grow steadily irate as she fielded the same "what are you, a pimp in a big floppy hat" questions over and over. It got so bad for Carleen that day that, ultimately, she simply removed her "witchy-pimpy" hat and hid it under her desk. As she sat there, sans chapeau, seething with burning rage, Stone came into work, looked at her and said "hey, I heard you were dressed as a pimp, where's your hat?"

The tension so thick, it could be cut with a knife...A classic moment...But I digress...

I'm now certain that Carleen, self-styled witch that she was, would've gone so far as to put some sort of "curse" upon her possessions to thwart attempts at theft of destruction. Case in point, that Christmas, she gave all of us in the art department little handmade wooden ornaments. When she gave me mine, I thanked her, stuffed the thing in a drawer and forgot about it, at least until I found the little wooden plank of holiday cheer the following Christmas. When I uncovered it, I chucked it unceremoniously into our fireplace. There it sat, in the midst of the fire for a short while before it began emitting a high-pitched squeal, as if it were literally screaming in pain. The "ornament" then exploded, sending shards of it's vile self all over the inside of the fireplace. It was quite a scary thing to watch. My wife and I were, in fact, both dumbfounded by the whole incident. I wonder if Carleen picked up the dying ornament's signal on her "ho radar" at the exact moment that it exploded, knowing that one of her doomy little minions (of doom) had "bitten the dust." I like to think that's the case, anyway...

Crap, I keep getting sidetracked! Ok, back to the main meaty meat of this story...

So, one busy Gazette Advertising Art Department evening, Collin and I were busily working away at our stations. Officer Stone was seated at what would have been Carleen's desk, had she been there, taking care of "resends," which were ads that simply needed to be reprinted from an existing file. A blind monkey could have handled "resends." Anyway, I'm not sure what prompted Stone to do so, perhaps it was the utter monotony of the whole "resend" experience, but after a few minutes, she began rummaging around in Carleen's drawers. After a short search, she retrieved a bag of candy from one of the drawers. "Hey, Carleen's got candy," Stone exclaimed. After showing the bag (of candy) to everybody, Stone began eating said candy as if it were now her own. We thought little of this blatant display of pillage at the time and went back to what we had been doing. After a couple of blissful, candy filled minutes, however, Stone began making hacky-chokey noises which were quite akin to a cat who would be trying to dislodge a hairball from it's hairy, catty throat. From where I was sitting, I leaned over and glanced at Stone, seeing that she was, indeed choking but that she was also, indeed, still upright and mobile (and NOT making the universal "hands to your throat" choking sign). I then emitted an uninterested "pff," and returned to my work. Collin, who was seated across from Stone at the time, poked his head around his monitor, looked right into Stone's now bulging eyes and said, in the dryest "Collin" tone imaginable:

"Well that's what you get for stealing Carleen's candy." He, too, returned to his work after uttering his statement, seemingly oblivious to Stone's impending chokey doom.

Editor's note: Despite our lack of empathy that night, Officer Stone did not, in fact, choke to death during the "Carleen's cursed candy" incident. She lived through it and she's probably still alive somewhere today, although we have no idea of her exact whereabouts. Carleen, on the other hand, is still at the Gazette, in charge of something or another, a position which she obtained by trying out some "special positions" with one of the vice presidents, or so I hear. Regardless, don't steal Carleen's candy, kids. Play it safe and incinerate it in your fireplace.

Labels: 'de paranormal, collin crap, I eat food, indignities, lame stories, me roots

So, like a good little blogger, I remembered to bring my crappy digital camera to work with me today. "Well, yay for you! Why, then, aren't there awesome Christmassy pictures of your humble abode all lit up pretty-like for the (holiday) season, huh? Huh, smartass?" you ask, with that familiar, indignant tone...

Well, kids, it would seem that the smartmedia card which resides inside my (obviously obsolete) digital camera is just as broken as the crappy camera itself. So's you can share in my "pain," here's a wee narrative of just how things "went down" whilst trying to get my (greasy) mitts on those pictures...Ready? Here it comes...

So I pop the stupid little card into our new card reader at work, and I wait. Nothing happens. I figure "ok, no problem. These things happen, Maybe I need a restart." As such, I restart my 'puter. Post restart, I pop the card in again. Nothing happens. I pull the card reader out, blow on it (hey, sometimes it works), reconnect it, pop in the card again and nothing happens. I yank the card out, blow on it, reinsert it. Nothing happens. Becoming steadily irate, I try the old card reader, the one that, though it isn't as sleek and stylish as the new one, always worked before...

You guessed it, though...Nothing...Happens.

It doesn't help much, either, that my camera predates USB which means that, no matter how hard I try, there's just no way to download those pictures that I promised to show you. I may try the (bad stupid) card in another camera tomorrow, but even that's a long shot. As it stands, I'll have to get a whole new digital camera before I can post anymore snappy photoblogs, at least (snappy) photoblogs that would feature content which I would have to create outside of work.

So that's it, I guess...

Oh, wait, before you go, make sure you check out HappyFunBall's latest post. Is tres funny! She done cut and pasted unrelated chunks from other blogs (I'm actually featured TWICE, can you believe it!?) to make one (solid) entry. The complete out-of-contextness of it all is stunning, you have to see it....

Ok. That really IS it. I swear I'll try and come up with something worth reading (or listening to) real soon...Promise.

P.S.: The NHL owners and players actually held talks today. I'm not holding my breath, but lets all think positive thoughts regarding this, ok? Thanks.

Labels: holidays, lame stories, stagnation

But, seriously, it's not for lack of trying...My current digital camera got dropped at some point. Or maybe it was stepped on. Or peed on. Or something. I'm not really sure. Either way, it's all "broken" and "unreliable" but IT WILL WORK if you grip it all tight and funny with your right hand to hold the damn thing together.

"Why are you telling me this, Derek," you ask in a rather indignant tone?

Because last night, in the bitter cold, I took that decrepit piece of photographic junk outside, gripped it all funny and took pictures of my house all "lit up for Christmas." I also took some other pictures that, ultimately, I was going to utilize to post a nice little "photoblog" today. I even went so far as to place the camera on my backpack so I'd remember to bring it in and download said photos for your viewing pleasure.

Have I mentioned before that Wednesday is "trash day?"

Well, kids, as happens quite often with me, I was running a bit behind this morning. Now, I can't recall EVERYTHING when I'm behind. Luckily, I DID remember to place the garbage at the curb. I also remembered to pack myself a lunch and grab something for breakfast. I remembered to shower and dress myself and lock the doors and turn out the lights.

I'm sure you see where this is going...

In all of this "commotion," I forgot to grab my backpack and, at the same time, the digital camera. I guess I'm lucky I remembered to put my coat on, or I wouldn't even have my wallet with me. Regardless, this means that I literally have "nothing" to share today, at least nothing in the way of lit-up christmassy housey pictures. Maybe tomorrow. In the meantime, I leave you with a drawing of an Englishman in a bowler hat:

Fear him.

Labels: indignities, lame stories, random drawings

Yes, kids, it's once again time for big time audio content fun. However, before I have you listen to today's (audio) offering, a nearly 4 minute odyssey about organic boxing, I should preface it so that it makes more sense. Or "sense" at all. Here comes context, kids!

One of those links on my sidebar (which you all should be following because, c'mon, I don't just put 'em there for show) goes straight to Andy C.'s Adverbloggin'. This blog is a fun little place wherein this "Andy" posts about how much he loves Halo 2 and how much he loves the "SockHobbit." One of his recent posts, which he (cleverly) titled Vines vs. Shoots, begs the question: "Which would win? Bamboo plants or blackberry bushes?"

Well, as obvious as the answer to this question (for the ages) IS, I felt it better to spend my time (wisely, I might add) creating a clip of a "sports broadcast" of sorts detailing how this (epic) battle might go down...

Did I mention that it's almost 4 minutes long?



Bonus points for remembering what the last little bit in the audio is from. I don't pass out "bonus points" often, kids, so this is SO worth it...Kind of...

Anyhow, enjoy.

Labels: all those funny voices, audio, sports

By the way, you can click on any of the photos in this entry to see a larger version...
That's right, kids, like the title says, we're doing a photoblog today in lieu of really cool audio content (which could be on the horizon in the very near future, just so you know). I thought that I'd start off today with a picture of the same stupid Bumble Bar which I tasted and then gave an unfavorable review to way back in October...I left the nasty little thing open and out, exposed to "air" and stuff, since...I warn you now, this image is a disturbing one:


Ha HA! See!? Proof that the Bumble Bar sucks SO BAD, that not even BACTERIA (or even the cleaning crew) would dare eat it. I have since thrown this vile instrument of Satan in the trash. I wouldn't be surprised, however, if it were waiting for me tomorrow morning when I arrived at work...

And speaking of work...


Here is a picture of my new G5, which I christened "Son of Son of Cheese." No, my workstation isn't really THAT cramped, but it does feel kind of like a fortress (which I christened "Fort of Searing Death"), what with being blocked in by giant monitors (there's another one that isn't in the shot). You CAN see, however, 2 plush GIR toys. I'm gonna sing the Doom Song now!...

And speaking of monitors at work...


I snapped this picture while Collin was working busily at his station (doing busy work, and things like that). He was less than pleased that I took his picture, and threatened to not give me a Christmas present if i posted it. Ah, what the Hell, I'll get lots of other gifts, right?

And speaking of Christmas presents...


Here is my Christmas present to myself! It's a new Simmons Matrix blocker. If you've ever played the position of "goalie" in the sport called "hockey," you know exactly what this thing is. If you don't, well...Sorry...Just suffice to say that it makes me happy.

Hope you're happy today as well...

Labels: Phrickin' Photoblogs