I'm sure that, at some point in your life, you've had "food" (or "whatever") "go down the wrong pipe," as it were, and, as such, commenced with "the choking" (to death)...As life-threatening situations go, It's not a whole lot of fun, the "choking." I personally had a run-in with some well-done steak way back in 1988 which, out of spite I'm sure, lodged in my throat and forced me into a visit to the "emergency room." During the whole ordeal, and after the "muscle relaxants" were administered, I was diagnosed with a "narrowing esophagus," which is a condition that has led to me taking "smaller bites" and also "chewing my food thoroughly," mostly out of the fear that I could die a horrible, chokey death. Despite my best efforts, though, food-related items still get "hung up" in that defective esophagus of mine from time to time. I'll tell ya, "waiting for stuck food to work it's way down" is not an ideal way to spend your time...

But enough about me, our story today is mostly about Collin...Well...It ends with him...Oh, Hell, just read it and find out...

Way back in the "dark ages" when Collin and I both toiled away at the Gazette, we had a female "co-worker" (for a while) who had, at one time, been a corrections officer. For the purposes of this tale, mostly because I cannot recall her first name, she will be referred to as "Officer Stone." During this same period of time (the "Officer Stone era"), we also worked with a dirty little overly ambitious ho named Carleen who, as it turned out, had gone to high school with Officer Stone. Stone had disliked Carleen intensely in high school, so much so in fact, that Stone's hatred towards her still burned brightly when they both worked at the Gazette. Stone would repeatedly regale Collin and I with (thrilling) tales of how she used to "make fun of Carleen" in school and, as such, "make her cry." I'm sure that Carleen ALSO still disliked Officer Stone, though we never really saw the "sparks fly." Their paths rarely crossed seeing as Carleen was a day-shifter and Stone, like Collin and myself, was a night-shifter. Still, to sum up, it was obvious that them chicks was like oil and water...It would've taken very little to push them both over the edge...

Hey, wouldn't some random Carleen information go real good right here?..You bet it would!..

Carleen was kind of a dork who considered herself NOT ONLY "uber-cool," but also a "bit of a witch." As a matter of course, she dressed up as the aforementioned "witch," or so she thought, for Halloween her first year at the Gazette. I added the line "or so she thought" because, in lieu of lookin' all witchy, she looked a lot more like your typical garden variety 70s pimp, ala Huggy Bear, Except for that whole "being female and white" thing. Anyhow, It truly was the pinnacle of entertainment watching her grow steadily irate as she fielded the same "what are you, a pimp in a big floppy hat" questions over and over. It got so bad for Carleen that day that, ultimately, she simply removed her "witchy-pimpy" hat and hid it under her desk. As she sat there, sans chapeau, seething with burning rage, Stone came into work, looked at her and said "hey, I heard you were dressed as a pimp, where's your hat?"

The tension so thick, it could be cut with a knife...A classic moment...But I digress...

I'm now certain that Carleen, self-styled witch that she was, would've gone so far as to put some sort of "curse" upon her possessions to thwart attempts at theft of destruction. Case in point, that Christmas, she gave all of us in the art department little handmade wooden ornaments. When she gave me mine, I thanked her, stuffed the thing in a drawer and forgot about it, at least until I found the little wooden plank of holiday cheer the following Christmas. When I uncovered it, I chucked it unceremoniously into our fireplace. There it sat, in the midst of the fire for a short while before it began emitting a high-pitched squeal, as if it were literally screaming in pain. The "ornament" then exploded, sending shards of it's vile self all over the inside of the fireplace. It was quite a scary thing to watch. My wife and I were, in fact, both dumbfounded by the whole incident. I wonder if Carleen picked up the dying ornament's signal on her "ho radar" at the exact moment that it exploded, knowing that one of her doomy little minions (of doom) had "bitten the dust." I like to think that's the case, anyway...

Crap, I keep getting sidetracked! Ok, back to the main meaty meat of this story...

So, one busy Gazette Advertising Art Department evening, Collin and I were busily working away at our stations. Officer Stone was seated at what would have been Carleen's desk, had she been there, taking care of "resends," which were ads that simply needed to be reprinted from an existing file. A blind monkey could have handled "resends." Anyway, I'm not sure what prompted Stone to do so, perhaps it was the utter monotony of the whole "resend" experience, but after a few minutes, she began rummaging around in Carleen's drawers. After a short search, she retrieved a bag of candy from one of the drawers. "Hey, Carleen's got candy," Stone exclaimed. After showing the bag (of candy) to everybody, Stone began eating said candy as if it were now her own. We thought little of this blatant display of pillage at the time and went back to what we had been doing. After a couple of blissful, candy filled minutes, however, Stone began making hacky-chokey noises which were quite akin to a cat who would be trying to dislodge a hairball from it's hairy, catty throat. From where I was sitting, I leaned over and glanced at Stone, seeing that she was, indeed choking but that she was also, indeed, still upright and mobile (and NOT making the universal "hands to your throat" choking sign). I then emitted an uninterested "pff," and returned to my work. Collin, who was seated across from Stone at the time, poked his head around his monitor, looked right into Stone's now bulging eyes and said, in the dryest "Collin" tone imaginable:

"Well that's what you get for stealing Carleen's candy." He, too, returned to his work after uttering his statement, seemingly oblivious to Stone's impending chokey doom.

Editor's note: Despite our lack of empathy that night, Officer Stone did not, in fact, choke to death during the "Carleen's cursed candy" incident. She lived through it and she's probably still alive somewhere today, although we have no idea of her exact whereabouts. Carleen, on the other hand, is still at the Gazette, in charge of something or another, a position which she obtained by trying out some "special positions" with one of the vice presidents, or so I hear. Regardless, don't steal Carleen's candy, kids. Play it safe and incinerate it in your fireplace.

Labels: 'de paranormal, collin crap, I eat food, indignities, lame stories, me roots