On Thursday, seeing as we are now proud homeowners, my wife and I hosted Thanksgiving for the very first time. We were able to accommodate a total of 12 people in the house: myself, my wife, my mom, my dad, my uncle and aunt and their 2 kids, Collin, my sister and Collin's 2 kids. Despite the numbers, things seemed to roll rather smoothly and everyone seemed to enjoy the food which included (obviously) a 22lb turkey, which I had brined and roasted in accordance to an Alton Brown recipe, My dad's baked macaroni and cheese, his special sausage stuffing, potatoes prepared according to my wife's stepmom's recipe which includes cream cheese and green onions, My aunt's traditional brussels sprouts, some rolls and stuff and about 7 pies...

Oh yeah, and that cranberry stuff that comes in a can. My mom loves that stuff...

Seeing as we were hosting the event, it seemed that the responsibility of carving the turkey would fall upon me. I performed the duty in the kitchen, away from the others. Even though my "knife skills" aren't the best, I did an acceptable job for a short while, carving up the meat with all the skill of a serial killer. Soon, though, I lost patience with the whole processs and began simply ripping chunks of meat off of the bird and tossing them on the serving platter, also with all the skill of a serial killer. After that, and right about the time that dinner was to be served (2:00 pm), I began (skillfully) drinking (heavily). After dinner was over, full of booze and tryptophan, I passed out in a chair right about the same time that Collin passed out on the couch. Those that retained their consciousness played games of "Outburst" for a couple hours, which filled my chairbound dreams full of...well, "outbursts"...After some time, everyone packed up what they had brought and headed home. It was a decent Thanksgiving and I'm still (skillfully) living off of the leftovers...

Like I said, it was "decent." It may have even been borderline "good." It wasn't, however, "the Best Thanksgiving ever." THAT (dubious) honor goes to the Thanksgiving which occured in 2001. Before we get to the meal details, I should perform some ironic foreshadowing...Here it comes...

Due to the fact that it was the only time off from school that she would have to get it done, just a day or so prior to "big turkey day 2001," in preparation for braces (and other tortuous orthodontic work) my wife had all 4 of her (severely impacted) wisdom teeth removed from her head. This procedure was to be no ordinary dental operation, not by a long shot. These teeth of hers were SO impacted that she would have to be sedated (put under via "the gas") while they were extracted. Unfortunately, the procedure turned out to be SO tough that my wife "came to" during the whole thing and had to be restrained. This fact led to even more facial bruising and swelling than there would have been anyway. It also led to her being in a terribly weepy state. I remember the scene kind of like this when I was brought into the room following the surgery...

My wife: profound sadness and weeping
Me: What's going on here!?
Nurse: she came to during the procedure, the gas wore off...
Wife: I WO' UP AN' THEY...(weeping)
Me: (to the nurse) Did you get them all out?
Nurse: Yes, though the last one was tough. She won't be able to eat solid food for a week or two.
Me: Ok. Anything else I should know?
Wife: sadness and weeping
Nurse: Yes, the gas is a depressant, so the weepiness is commonplace when the patient comes out from under it. She could be this way for up to a week...
Me: UP TO A WEEK!? OH, HELL NO!
Wife: weep
Nurse: Stuff about gauze that I wasn't listening to because I was still preoccupied with that whole "week of weepiness" crap...

Armed with THAT knowledge, I took off toward the front counter to pay the bill while my wife helplessly staggered behind me, pinballing slowly off of walls and other stationary items...After the bill was settled, I loaded her in the truck, took her home, set her in bed and took off to Walgreens to get her prescription filled and also to pick her up the most appetizing baby food I could find, some pudding and some crossword puzzles. Also some earplugs, but those were for me...

Heh! I kid...For the most part. Ah-heh...Where were we?

Anyhoo, this particular Thanksgiving (the BEST EVER!) took place at my parents home. Heather's sister Shannon, who is a professional pastry chef, and my father, who is a decent wannabe chef, prepared all of the food. By the time my wife and I arrived, the whole place smelled wonderful. My wife, in contrast, with her giant swollen face and her painfully pained expression, appeared quite miserable. Kind of that whole "comedy/tragedy" thing. You know the one. Yeah, anyway, when the eating of the food began, it was quickly apparent that we were all suddenly right in the middle of "The Best Thanksgiving Ever." Everything was perfect! The turkey was succulent and flavorful, the stuffing was awesome, the potatoes were light and fluffy, even that cranberry stuff from the can tasted better than normal. Overall, everything at the table not only tasted great, it tasted better than it should have. I liked it all so much, I remember packing away 4ths, or possibly 5ths that day, and I wasn't alone...Everyone enjoyed the Hell out of the food that day. Everyone, of course, except for my wife, who was in so much (painful) pain she could barely enjoy the (light and fluffy) potatoes...

Seeing this, my mother, being the loving, caring, knife-twisting mother-in-law that she is, couldn't resist exclaiming how much she was enjoying the food. She looked right at my wife's giant, painfully swollen face, apologized to her and said through a mouthful of wonderfully flavorful food:

"This really IS to be the best Thanksgiving ever! It's REALLY too bad that you can't have any!"

Labels: holidays, indignities, lame stories