So last night, in search of CDs, DVDs and other forms of entertainment media, my wife and I ventured out to play the role of "consumer" at some of the electronics and entertainment outlets here in town. At our last stop, the huge new Best Buy store out on Powers Boulevard, we noticed that there was a Wild Oats right next door. Not being a fan of all things organic, and just straight up not being a "hippie," I tend to avoid such activist-oriented retail establishments as the Oat. My wife, though, reminded me that Wild Oats sells, among other things, the baked chips that we like so much. As such I agreed that, since we were so close, We could go in and look around...

All in all, it wasn't so bad. We got 3 flavors of the Guiltless Gourmet chips, I got some Italian soda and some sarsparilla (which is quite tasty) and even picked up some Thai Kitchen fish sauce which, as I explained to my wife, goes well with white rice and meat when paired with hot chili sauce. This, of course, is something I learned from the Vietnamese restaurant that we order from at work from time to time. With all that aside, though, it's now time to get to the meat of this story. A regrettable little snacky item that we picked up and tried to ingest on the way home. A little slice of absolute Hell called a Bumble Bar. I will now show you a picture of the wrapper. IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH, TURN BACK NOW!

Ok, I know, it doesn't look very threatening on the outside, what with it's quaintly "Olde Fashioned" design and it's (quaint) logo that resembles a (quaintly) squashed insect. Notice, though, the immediate overuse of the word "organic." Not only does this "anti-treat" claim to be 100% "organic," but it's also apparently completed some sort of junior college "organic" training course and has been "certified," you guessed it, "organic." The wrapper also alerts us that we are holding an "original flavor" version of the Bumble Bar. I didn't notice any OTHER flavors of this thing hanging around, so maybe these other flavors are implied or "in the works." I dunno...

Right off the bat, I have some problems with this wrapper. For starters, looking at it, you're probably thinking that you could tear it open and enjoy some sort of honey-flavored or honey-augmented treat. At the very least, the product SHOULD contain SOME part of a bee. Ha HA! If this is what you think, the joke would be on YOU, my friend! Flip this package over and you'll find that the (quality) ingredients, while continuing the "overuse of organic" theme, do NOT contain any "honey" of any kind. In fact, this repugnant little slab of shit is "sweetened" through such vile means as "organic brown rice syrup" and "organic evaporated cane juice." Also (organic) vanilla and (organic) cinnamon, both of which MUST'VE been used quite sparingly.

Hold up..."Evaporated cane juice?" What the fuck? the thing contains "sugar air?" Oh, now that just sucks...

Well, anyway, I still figured that I'd try it, somewhat due to the prodding of my wife, and mostly because I remembered that these stupid things were featured on an episode of "Food Finds" on the Food Network. How could something featured on national TV be all bad, right? That Sandra Pinckney chick seemed to like it...

Turns out, she must've been faking it...HERE NOW IS A PICTURE OF THIS PACKAGE'S VILE INNARDS!


So, quick question for ya...Who, in their right mind, would wander into a pet shop, spy one of those birdseed bells and think "damn, if we squarshed it flat, that'd make one fine "people snack?" Liz and Glenn Ward, that's who! These (obviously evil) workers of iniquity piece these small sections of unenjoyable crap together in the (organically beautiful) Pacific Northwest, right before they unleash them upon an unsuspecting public...They also have a kid, but I'll cover that later...First, my experience with this..."thing"...

My wife and I tried this "treat from Hell" when we got into the car for the ride home. The first bite that I, regrettably, popped into my poor, unwitting mouth was also the last. I damn near gagged when I tasted it...The "flavor," if I can even call it that, is akin to a combination of "moldy hamburger bun" and "dirt" with some "organic evil" thrown in for good measure. Certainly not something I'd eat unless I were truly into punishing myself, which, in case you're wondering, I'm really not...Also, due to the fact that this little hunk of shit is comprised of BILLIONS OF SHITTY LITTLE SEEDS, the aftertaste (of doom) lingers for a very long time. In fact, once you start chewing, the seeds seem to explode into every part of your mouth, get lodged in your "soft tissue" (or teeth) and start excreting some sort of nasty goo. It's...It's very bad...

Ultimately, I'm pretty damn glad that we ended up sampling the "Original Flavor" of Bumble Bar. I don't think that I could've handled the "Extra Shitty" flavor or, God forbid, the "Organically Fertilized Soil" variety. Frankly, the only thing that would've improved this piece of horrifying snacking Hell would've been to simply avoid it in the first place. My first clue SHOULD'VE been the gratuitous overuse of "organic." "organic" this, "organic" that...You know what else is "organic?" poop. And that's pretty much what a Bumble Bar is. Disgusting, mouth-torturing palate poop that can offer no sound justification why it should exist, let alone be available for public consumption...

As a side note, emblazoned upon the packaging, is a picture of "Jed," presumably the spawn of the nutcases who produce these "bars." I can only assume that "Jed" is featured to shame us into buying, and subsequently enjoying, the bar. This is because "Jed" loves the Bumble Bar. You see, if "Jed," a mere child who, if he were more like his typical child peers, SHOULD be enjoying sugary sweet snacks, but instead is doing the politically correct hippy thing and (voluntarily) gnawing on a seedily organic Bumble Bar on a regular basis, then, by God, so should you! I've got Two tiny problems with this scenario, though...

First off, OF COURSE LITTLE "JED" LOVES BUMBLE BARS! Bumble Bar sales will most likely put his lazy ass through college on the backs of unsuspecting hippies and self-loathing activists where he will earn a degree in business and probably become the head of a major corporation which will ultimately destroy the ecology in the Pacific Northwest through pollution and clear-cut logging...

How's THAT for irony, you hippie bastards? Wait, where was I?...

Oh yeah, my second problem with this is that the picture of little "Jed" (seen here)

doesn't give me a sense that he's enjoying anything. In fact, his facial expression says "painful bowel movement" more so than "I am currently enjoying the snack food that my parents say is great." I can almost see a little hippie tear rolling down Jed's little hippie cheek. It's ok, Jed. Show us on the doll where the Bumble Bar touched you...

To sum up, if you happen to wander into one of those organic food joints that is staffed by hippies and sells organically organic crap, just flat out AVOID the Bumble Bar. There's more than enough other crap at these stores to hold your interest (and satisfy your appetite). Bumble Bar grade: F-

postscript: when we checked out at the Wild Oats store, we were offered the option of "paper" or "plastic" bags. WAS THIS A TRICK QUESTION!? DON'T PLASTIC BAGS (like the ones I get from Wal*Mart all the time) KILL WILDLIFE AND NEVER BIODEGRADE!? Why would these hippies even OFFER me plastic!? They couldn't fool me, though. After a long pause and an "uh..." or two, I promptly chose paper, a choice that my wife, in turn, made fun of me for once we were safely outside the store.

Labels: I eat food, indignities, lame stories