Friday, July 09, 2004
So I'm heading out here in about 10 minutes to go see my doctor. He's a good doctor, in fact he's been my doctor since I was born (in 1974). If he can find out what this thing on my head is, I'll be appreciative. In light of this, and continuing with yesterday's theme of recycled crap, I'm going to leave you all with my entry in Collin's latest story contest...Here we go...
One weekend, some time ago, I went downtown in my little burg (mostly to escape the soul-crushing depression of Old Shanty Town and the burden of responsibility in general) and, to my shock and delight, there was some sort of "festival" going on. People were engaging in "fun" (and what appeared to be very gratifying mastication (RIGHT THERE ON THE STREET!) so I joined right in, never one to be a "party pooper."
Everything was cool at this festival until some asshole "pantsed" me. Or "de-pantsed" me. Either way, there I stood, sans pants, mooning God and Country my lengthy butt crack flapping in the wind. I cried out to the crowd around me "Why hast thou forsaken me!?" It was then gently explained to me that my belt had broken. thoroughly embarrassed, I pulled my pantalones back up and slinked away.
While downtown, I found out that there're both "bums" AND "squirrels" in Acacia park...They (you know who) rounded up all of the "squirrels," char-broiled them and fed them to the "bums" during the "festival." Everyone was a winner. It made me feel all funny inside.
Anyway, I also found that at the corner of Platte and....Somewhere, there was a man offering free balloon rides. Totally effin' FREE! Man, I LOVE to float off into space, especially when I don't lose any money doing it...I ponied up the 5 bucks and took my place in the basket. The tether line was released and off we floated, into the wild blue yonder.
Ok, so I immediately threw up, but I had ingested 4 TURKEY LEGS and a "squirrel" prior to departure! They tasted so good! Unfortunately not good coming back up, but such is life. After I hurled, though, I was perfectly fine and ready for aviation. I reclined to enjoy the ride when I suddenly spied a very odd sight...
Another balloon operator had HIS balloon seemingly on a crash course with the balloon I as riding in. The other operator was swinging his fists and cursing at MY operator, shouting something about "stealing his business." I ducked down into the basket when I witnessed the other balloon pilot whip out a crossbow and begin firing arrows at OUR balloon.
My pilot laughed and told me not to worry, that we wouldn't crash because OUR balloon had a reinforced envelope. He then whipped out a throwing star and...well, threw it...He scored a direct hit, sending his opponent spiraling down to certain doom.
I had never felt closer to death until that point in my life, nor had I witnessed more bizarre operational behavior between two commercial competitors. I reflected upon this fact later, as I lay safely on my cot, watching the stars twinkle in the night sky...Soon after, I began wondering who had stolen the roof off of my shanty (in old Shanty Town)...