Thursday, June 24, 2004

Chickle Treats of the Damned... 

The views and opinions expressed in the following entry are exclusively those of me, the freak that tried the crappy gum...Thank you.

Yesterday, I mentioned that Collin and I had lunch at Q'Doba. His filling me in about his knowledge of my Biazrro site was not the only thing of note that happened during that lunch, friends...Oh no...Thanks to some sort of promotional event, we both received sample packs of Eclipse brand "Cherry Chill" gum along with our fantastically overstuffed burritos...(We both had the Poblano Pesto burrito...I always get mine with the "Fiery Habanero" salsa. I Recommend it! To you, no less! Go and try it!)

My initial reaction to receiving this small present was "ooh, we get gum today!" I was truly excited! You see, I rarely buy gum for myself because I have a "problem" with it...I eat it...I know, I know, you're not supposed to swallow gum, but I do. I CAN'T HELP IT! My favorite "eatin' gum" is "Chiclets." MMMM, MMM! I could sit and eat Chiclets ALL DAY! Of course, after too much gum eatin', the body starts to reject it and, well, suffice to say that the whole experience ain't good...

Anyway, enough about my freakish hangups about gum...This entry is a review of my experience with THIS gum...This is what my free package of Eclipse Brand "Cherry Chill" gum looks like now:

As you can plainly see, I opened it. Believe me, kids, I put the gum in my mouth and chewed it, too! Notice that this particular gum, based on it's packaging, considers itself to be "Uniquely Soothing..." Well, I'll just have to come right out and call THAT claim "total bullshit..." This gum resembles a really crappy cough lozenge more than it resembles soothing cherry flavored ANYTHING...IT WAS AWFUL! It made me feel as if I were being punished for some unknown wrongdoing. In addition, the "Artificial Flavors" that this gum claims to contain MUST consist mostly of cough medicine, piss, vinegar and batshit..Or something...It may or may not deliver on it's claim of "powerful fresh breath," I wouldn't know...I couldn't keep those two little chunks of painful death in my mouth long enough to find out. Hell, they were in there way too long as it was...

In closing, I should say that I think the most scathing aspect of my negative review of this "gum" product HAS TO BE the fact that I DID NOT SWALLOW IT. That's right, the freaky gum-swallowing freak boy SPIT THIS GUM OUT (into a napkin)! So there you go. If you see this crappy crap gum in the your local store and are thinking "Hey, this stuff looks good," BACK AWAY! At the very least, it'll make you feel very very sad. I believe that it truly could be labeled "Gum of the Devil..."

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