Here's a relatively boring question with a predictably simple answer: have you ever "crammed" for a final? Seriously, think about the question: In your lifetime, and by "your" I mean "all of you people," have you ever had to take so much friggin' information into your wee brain in such a short period of time that the information makes you nearly crazy? For most of you, the answer is probably "yes." See, for me, it WOULD have been "no" just a week ago. Indeed, I didn't go to "college," I went to a tech school and never found taking tests to be difficult. Now though, I would have to answer my question in the affirmative...That's kind of what the last week has been like for me, like cramming for a final...See, I'm technically training to be a wrestling official...

And when I say "wrestling," I don't mean "wrasslin'" like professional wrasslin'. Not the WWE or the NWA or whatever those outfits call themselves now...No, I mean the actual "wrestling" that is done in actual scholastic competition all across this great land. Before I get ahead of myself, though, and to allow you a greater understanding of the situation which I currently find myself in, a little backstory is in order...

If you've been coming around all regular-like and reading this blogsitething, you're most likely aware that my left knee saw fit to shred itself during a hockey game back in September...Due to that unfortunate fact, I have been relatively sedentary since, only having played hockey once in a pickup game which I typed about in late December. Additionally, during the same time period (you know: from September until now) I also gave the old "heave-ho" to my part-time radio station job. While these factors have conspired to give me more time at home, which is never a bad thing, they have also left me with a remarkably open schedule...

And "remarkably open schedules" always get me to "thinkin'"...

You see, I realized while watching one of the many football games which I watched during the month of November, that I was very well versed in not only the rules of football, but all of the officials' signals. In actuality, this wasn't a surprise to me: I had always thought that I would make a fine football referee/umpire/back judge/linesman, I had just not pursued such endeavors. In my moment of epiphany, though, I decided that if I got the "ball rolling," so to speak, at that point in the year (contacting the appropriate individuals, etc.) that I wouldn't have to really get going with clinics or purchasing a uniform until, at the earliest, the next summer. Armed with my epiphany and a desire to be an official, I visited the CHSAA website the following workday and pulled some contact information for individuals whom I assumed would be able to point me in the right direction to become a football and, since I was a wrestler in junior high and high school and was already well aware of the on-the-mat rules and such, a wrestling official too. Of course, there's also hockey, but that's different and I already know who to talk to about that and there aren't any clinics right now so I figured that I'd just wait on that...

Anyhow...back to football and wrass...I mean "wrestling."

In only a day or two, I received a reply from the area director of football officials concerning my desire to be "part of the team." This individual was extremely excited to hear from me and informed me that, as I had suspected, clinics for new officials will be held in July of 2006 and that he would certainly contact me as that date came closer. In return, I thanked him for his prompt response and placed the thought in one of the many compartments at the back of my mind that "hey, cool...I'm going to be a football official." I then set about to "business as usual," eventually forgetting about even having sent an email to the area director of wrestling officials...

Until the early part of January, that is...

It appears that, while the director of football officials for my area of the state is somewhat of a homebody, and respond to emails in a rapid fashion, his counterpart in the world of wrestling is anything but. Indeed, on January 9 of this year I (finally) received an email from the wrestling guy, apologizing for not having responded sooner due to his being out of town. Like the football guy, he too was excited at the prospect of having someone new interested in becoming an official. Unlike the football guy however, the wrestling guy provided me with his cell phone number and directed me to contact him as soon as I could...

So I did...

When I called, the director guy asked me a few quick questions about my wrestling background and such and, after I provided the appropriate answers, he informed me that the majority of the middle school and high school wrestling season was already in full swing and that they didn't need any help with that...He went on to say that there is a different middle school season and a parochial season coming soon and that I should come to their next meeting on January 23 and he'd see if he couldn't get me started and on the mat for those seasons...

WTF? On the mat? Already?..

Of course, I didn't blurt out the preceding sentiment, I merely thought it. Outwardly, I was polite, thanking him for the information and letting him know that I would, in fact, attend the meeting...I wrote the information for said meeting down in my "planner" and soon forgot about it...Eventually, though, big meetin' day came around and, even though I thought about just skipping out, I did go and see what it was all about...

When I arrived, I was greeted warmly by the director guy and also the president of the association and told that I should sit through the meeting and see what goes on. Following the meeting, I'd be given more information and stuff. Once the meeting got underway, I soon found out that "sit and observe" with these people really meant "sit and be involved and answer questions and act like you're a full-fledged member of the group already." While such things struck me as a bit odd, it did serve to make me feel quite welcome...After all, these were people who didn't know me from "Adam" (or Frank or John or whomever), but yet they were willing to allow me into their little fraternity based on no other information outside of the fact that I was willing to join...

It's too bad the international brotherhood of lotto winners aren't so accepting...

Anyhow, after the meeting had concluded, the first official to talk to me was "Fred," with whom, I found out, I had attended high school (he was a sophomore while I was a senior). "Fred" handles the scheduling of all the officials, so he pointed out on said schedule that I could go and observe some matches on Wednesday wherein he would be the official. I told him that I'd certainly show up if I could and he passed me off to the director and the president so that they could give me that "more information" which they promised. I was told by the director guy that I'd receive rule books, state certification materials and a few other items from him via the mail. I was also asked if I had my uniform already and, of course, I replied that I did not. The director then took me out to his truck and presented me with a bag full of official's shirts to try on. On top of that, the president told me that I "needed to get my uniform in order by next (now this coming) Wednesday" because I was going to assist him at a J.V. meet...

Shit...Already?..

It was at that point that I thanked them both for the information and such and headed home. On the drive home it kind of sunk in that I suddenly went from "having an interest" to "starting immediately." Now. as confident as I was going in that I would make a great official (I'm always confident that I can do things all good and stuff), I was suddenly and certainly now having doubts as to my ability to be thrown into the fire and officiate, so to speak, especially without a rule book in my hand yet. Later that night, as I was trying to sleep, all of that uncertainty built up real good and forced me to get online and try to look up everything that I possibly could regarding what I was supposed to learn...The next evening, I took a look at some of the shirts which the director had given me to try out and, out of the pile, found one which would fit me. All of the shirts had NCAA patches on them, but mr. director man told me that those patches would "come right off," so that wouldn't be a problem...

Either he was "mistaken," or he was lying to me as part of some strange initiation...

Indeed, the NCAA patch on the shirt which I chose not only didn't "come off easily," it barely came off at all. Once I did get the patch off, there existed a sticky residue of stickiness and gloom where the patch had once been. Being the resourceful kind of guy that I am (and having seen my wife utilize a similar technique to remove wax from our carpet), I used a series of towels and an iron (set at "polyester") to remove the residue and make the shirt nice and wearable in the "come right off" time of (no less than) 2 hours...I then bagged up the rest of the shirts and figured that, if I needed a spare, I'd just buy one...

OK, fine..."Initiation" complete...Now if I only had a rule book...

Come Wednesday of last week, "Fred" called me up to remind me about the matches that he suggested I come observe. I told him that, while I wouldn't be able to get there before they started, I would get there. When I did arrive, "Fred" greeted me warmly and took me back to the dressing room area where he presented me with the elusive rule books which I had coveted so much during the previous day and a half...These rule books are like the holy grail at the end of the 3rd Indiana Jones movie (without the old knight and the Nazis and the great seal and such)...See, after the aforementioned meeting, the president guy had tried to give me these books, but the director guy, as you are already aware, said no, and that he would send me them in the mail. "Fred," probably knowing how much of a procrastinator the director guy is, gave me his books to study...

At this point, I'm damn glad that he did...

As I alluded to at the front of this story, I have been cramming all the information which I can regarding the minutiae of officiating wrestling into my head at a dizzying pace. Additionally, I have purchased all of the pieces for my uniform (outside of the official's wristbands which "Fred" was gracious enough to give me) and have made myself a random-draw kit (something which the official must have, per the RULES). I've also gone so far as to make myself "match cards" which I can keep in the pocket of my shirt that will help me "keep shit straight" during the match and, with the help of my wife, rehearsed all of the proper calls and situations in the casebook (which is a supplement to the rule book). Just so you all know, as of Saturday, the stuff from the director guy still hadn't come in the mail so I am totally grateful that I have "Fred's" copies. Seriously, had he not given me his books when he did, I would most assuredly be in a "state of total panic" by now, what with the knowledge that I am supposed to assist the president guy in an actual match come Wednesday. Now, though, with my cool official's shirt and my head full of knowledge, I feel as if I'm like TOTALLY ready...

Bring it on...

Labels: indignities, lame stories, sports, tales of triumph