Way back in April, I shared with you wonderful people a little spoof commercial that I had done which was inspired by a real life product. In case you're not hip to following linkies, I'll just show you that product right here:

As I said then, this product was brought to my attention by someone named Frank, Albiet not THE Frank of Kraut Juice Fame. Anyway, being the good little Kraut that he is, This other "Frank" sent away for a "recipe book" that is advertised on the can (of Kraut Juice). I expected the Kraut company (based on Ohio of all places) to maybe send back a couple mimeographed pages with some basic recipes. Imagine my surprise when, only a few weeks after he sent off the request, Frank receives a very nicely designed glossy booklet that contains information (and thrilling photographs) depicting the many uses of Frank's Kraut Juice.

(To be fair, there are also recipes that feature the company's other products, such as Snowfloss sauerkraut and Whomdewhat diced tomatoes. But We're talkin' Kraut Juice here...)

First off, and I don't think I should HAVE to point this out, but this crap is like...Frickin' cabbage squeezin's! How can anyone POSSIBLY integrate this junk into an appetizing dish? Well, it seems that if faced with this query, those effers at Frank's would quickly tell me that there are, indeed, NUMEROUS ways to integrate Frank's Kraut Juice into your daily culinary routine. I should mention, then, that their little cookbook is titled, conveniently, "Kraut Cuisine." The cover looks like this:

Inside this volume, you will find MANY delectable delights which range from traditional German fare (holy crap, right?), to Chinese and Mexican style dishes (um...huh?), all the way to desserts.

Yep...You ain't goin' blind. I said "desserts."

Much like an episode of Iron Chef wherein Chen Frickin' Kenichi will magically turn something like "pork belly" into a dessert by pairing it with rice and sweet beans, the Kraut Juicers have included ways to make things like "cake" using their vile bile. Think I'm lyin'? take a look:

"Mmmm, this chocolate cake is awesome, but it could sure use some sour bitterness...Where do we keep the cabbage leakin's?!" (Frank's Kraut Juice to the rescue.) I don't know about you, and maybe I AM a bit biased AGAINST sauerkraut, but I'm damn sure not about to place cabbage (or things which can be extracted from cabbage) on a dessert buffet anytime soon. As such, I don't see how sauerkraut barrel dippin's could possibly enhance the flavor of any sweet treat, no matter how many taste buds you had shot off in the war.

I should say, though, that beyond the desserts and the (peculiar) additions of "ethnic" recipes, most of the Kraut Krap in the booklet is pretty typically German. There are two particular recipies, though, that make me a bit squeamish thinking about them...The first is pictured here (parental discretion advised):

Oh, those poor, poor unlucky nutless Krauts...Imagine numerous pathetic German eunuchs sitting around in wheelchairs, damning the fact that they just weren't quick enough to outrun the snipper and the deep fryer. I personally would change the name of this recipe, just for fun, to something like "Alpine mountain oysters"...It seems, though, that, fast or slow, no one is immune:

As if deep frying weren't enough, the quick ones even get the "fork treatment." (stab, stab). The whole thing makes me shudder just thinking about it. I guarantee you one thing...I won't be biting into a "kraut ball," "quick" or otherwise, anytime soon. It just don't seem right...

So, If any brave soul out there feels compelled to give any of these recipes a "whack," as it were, let me know...I'll see if I can pry the book from Frank's iron grip...When I gave the book back to him, he began muttering something about rueben dip and kraut balls right before a little trail of drool appeared on his chin...

As a sidenote, We have our company picnic tomorrow...I'm thanking God that Frank's not in charge of desserts...

Labels: I eat food, pointless shit