Some time ago, I guess it's been a few years now, the city of Colorado Springs passed an ordinance that is recorded as 10.18.112: SOLICITATION ON OR NEAR STREET OR HIGHWAY . This was passed in order to prevent the panhandling that often occurred near the interstate here in town. Before this ordinance was passed into law, it was quite commonplace for folks to panhandle on the off-ramps at Bijou street and at Cimarron street, among other places. Bijou was more of a hangout for ACTUAL homeless people, at least they LOOKED homeless to me. Frankly, if someone is covered with filth AND appears to have been beaten senseless in the last 24 hours, chances are they don't have anywhere warm to sleep. I used to make sack lunches from time to time and toss them to these "unfortunates" as I passed. The "bums" that I gave them to always seemed genuinely grateful, which I, again, took as a sign that they were REALLY homeless...I hope they liked tuna fish...

The Cimarron off-ramp, however, was populated by an entirely different breed of panhandler...I can recall seeing, more than once, these Cimarron panhandlers refuse offers of food (or work) to the point of even throwing it back at whatever car it came from (the food, not the work). These assholes were out for one thing, cold hard cash, and if you didn't fork it over, they were downright vile. From what I've been told, lots of folks would dirty themselves up and hang out on the off-ramp with a cardboard sign every Goddamned day...They would easily haul in $200 per day OR MORE. In fact, I've seen these fake-ass "panhandlers" get picked up at the end of the day by their significant others to go home (that's right, I said "home") and enjoy their day's take. Not bad work if you can get it (and have NO SOUL)..In the long run, it was these "more aggressive" (fake-ass) panhandlers that led to the passage of the aforementioned city code. Oh sure, you still see a random out-of-towner here and there with their little "stranded-need help-God bless" sign trying to get back to wherever they're from, but they don't last long before they're "busted." The fact is, for the most part, the panhandlers (real and otherwise) are history...

What this all means is that, if I actually tried to do what I've always WANTED to do, I'd now be in violation of city law. Just a few years ago, I'd have probably made some money or got a free lunch (or five) out of it, but now, I'd only get arrested and carted off to jail. Well, maybe not anything THAT severe, but probably hit with a fine (or some rocks). Heck, I dunno. Either way, I don't want to risk doing it...I'm skeered...

What is "it," you ask? Well, I'll gladly tell you (starting now)...One of the things I'd often wondered about while watching these people "work" was this: Do passers-by actually READ the cardboard sign, or is it merely window dressing? Basically, I wanted to test my theory that, if I simply stood (or sat) somewhere looking pathetic enough AND I HAD a cardboard sign, I could probably garner the same results, regardless of what the cardboard sign said. In fact, I'd probably rake in ten times more than those losers WITHOUT hunks of cardboard...Heck, these signs usually say the same crap, WHY NOT throw in some variety?..I now present, for your viewing enjoyment (or horror, whichever) 3 very quickly rendered "artist's conceptions" of my "plan" in "action"...

Just checking, see, I don't and neither does the dog...Frankly, if I saw some guy with a cell phone, a cocktail, a dog and jewelry begging for money, I'd laugh and throw a rock, in that order...

People are always lamenting the lack of truth in advertising, let's just call a spade a spade...I'm on this corner 'cause me and the boss had creative differences...Pity me and shower me with gifts of money (or foodstuffs)...

And I'm a pretty snappy dresser, too! Also: I have an enormous head in this one. I'm still confused, though, I don't wear glasses. perhaps they were my first panhandlin' "score" of the day...Dunno...

So there you go, my wee little dream that the big mean city won't allow to become reality. It really is a shame that I'm such a law-abiding citizen...Maybe I can talk Collin into trying this...

Labels: 'round town, misguided rantings, Phun With Photoshop, pointless shit