Phoo...This weekend was another busy one for me...Another softball game on Friday night, but we lost this time...After the softball, my wife and I went and bought booze and Taco Bell and headed over to my parents' place to have an impromptu "game night" with my Mom and my sister...

My Mom is kind of new to drinking booze...So much so, In fact, that she has a really REALLY low tolerance for alcohol. As funny as she is on a regular basis, intentional or otherwise, booze tends to enhance the "funny" tenfold. Suffice to say, there was a lot of laughter at my Mom's expense...At one point, she apparently got tired of me pouring all the drinks and decided that she should play the role of "bartender." After staring intently at the wonderful array of bottles I had brought over, she began shouting out "is it the green or the yellow? Is it the brown stuff? WHICH IS THE REAL ALCOHOL!? YOU'RE LYING TO ME!" She was attempting to mix a Midori sour. She claimed it was "perfect," but I watched her mix it. I know better.

I wouldn't have tasted it, that's for sure...

So on Saturday, after sleeping in, I spent a good portion of the early afternoon pulling my audio equipment out of the closet and making sure it still worked. This was because I had agreed to take on the arduous task of DJing a wedding reception, a chore that I'm not even the slightest bit fond of...I've been doing the mobile DJ crap on and off for about 10 years now, doing the radio kind of got me into it. My least favorite tasks, in order, are DJing wedding receptions, DJing wedding receptions and DJing wedding receptions...This particular wedding reception, though, had "potential for disaster" written all over it...More so than normal, even...

I should take this opportunity to say that I AM quite fond of money. This really is the only reason I ever agree to these kinds of things...That having been said...

One of the guys that I've worked with at the radio station for years also does the mobile DJ stuff. In the last year and a half, he's become a minor local celebrity of sorts due to the fact that he's now a traffic reporter and part-time weatherman on local TV. This makes him recognizable which, in turn, makes his mobile DJ service more marketable. It's kind of a mixed blessing, though, because, due to his TV commitments, he can't always take on all of the jobs he's offered. If he gets overbooked, or he ends up having to work TV on the night of an event, he usually turns over the "gig" to one of two other DJs. I happen to be one of those two. I personally specialize in oldies shows, rock and roll shows, things like that...I only agreed to take on this particular reception because Mr. TV Star initially told me that the Father of the Bride wanted everything from Oldies to 90s music played..."Right up my alley," I thought...

I soon found out how very very wrong that statement was...

Well, I should perhaps admit that his statement WAS accurate in the sense that the Father WOULD'VE been fine with 50s R&B, 60s soul, 70s funk...Things like that...Unfortunately, even though he WAS financing the whole shindig, the reception itself belonged to the bride and groom They knew EXACTLY what they wanted played and it wasn't no damn oldies...

I should stop here and let those who have read this far how very last-minute this whole event was...Well, maybe not the whole event, but my being involved in it was very last-minute...The Father had initially wanted my TV friend to do the show. By the time he got around to calling him, however, he was booked. I first talked to the Father on WEDNESDAY. The wedding and reception was set for SATURDAY. I didn't talk to the Bride and Groom until THURSDAY. I wasn't given an idea about music until FRIDAY. I didn't even know the groom's full name until Saturday evening, just as I was about to introduce him and his blushing bride to the guests at the reception. Poor planning when it comes to receptions makes me nervous. Chatting with the groom on Friday about music made me COMPLETELY TERRIFIED...

When we finally got in contact, I asked a few planning-related questions, special dance music and the like...I didn't get straight answers, it was more like "we got a CD fo' 'dat" over and over. That's fine for THEM in the sense that I didn't have to find their special songs. It's very BAD, though, in the sense that, if they happen to forget a small detail like a CD because, oh, I don't know, THEY'RE GETTING MARRIED, I then have no backup plan. I then told him what the Bride's Father had said about music at the reception and he just dismissed it..."Nah," he said. "We want some R&B and hip hop...You got 'dat?" "Sure, I've got some and I have access to just about anything" I said, COMPLETELY LYING..."Do you want more contemporary stuff or do you want older stuff?" I inquired. "Yeah, yeah, older stuff man, like Gah(sp?), Tony Kelley, and I gots to hear some R. Kelly, just try and keep it in that era" he tells me.

"Gah?" I asked, as I was making my notes. "Yeah, man" he replies. "y'know, hit it old school 'den come back wit' some new shit, y'know to keep it krunk like 'dat."

Now, at this point, I KNOW I'm dead...I have little to no idea as to how to MAKE anything "krunk," let alone keep it in that state. Bravely, though, I say "No problem, I can get the music, things'll go great." Apparently sensing my caucasian trepidation, the groom offers "well, I can have one of my groomsmen hang out witcha' and make sure you keepin' 'de party goin'...He'll bring his CDs too, jus' in case." OH THANK GOD, I think. "That'd be fine," I tell him...I thank him and we end the call. I then IMMEDIATELY call up the Weatherman and request, no, I DEMAND that he let me use his music for this event. He agrees to bring the CDs by my house. At this point, instead of feeling relieved, I'm feeling sick...I'm not sure if I'm gonna make it through this particular show.

So, long story short, my friend eventually brings me the music...Not so much to my house, but to the event...Nothing like making me sweat it out. Luckily for me, the one thing I was hoping for became reality...The universal truth is that, if you have planned a wedding reception, things will eventually get off track and off schedule...Guests that were supposed to arrive at 6:30pm, began trickling in at 7:00pm. Dinner was served buffet style, which means that it takes an hour and a half MINIMUM for everyone to get through the line, sit down and eat...At receptions, there're so many little stupid ceremonial things, like slide shows, cake cutting, toasts, garter and bouquet tossing and the like that, when it's finally time for the actual dancing, the damn thing is nearly over...I only had to "keep things krunk" for an hour at most. I made it through...I got paid...I got the Hell out of there...

Doing this reception, though, got me thinking about the fact that, even though I've had my Peavey speakers for 10 years now, this was the FIRST TIME that I've really had an opportunity to let loose, turn the bass way up and allow them to shake a building...My pant legs were literally flapping in the bass breeze...It was kind of cool, just not cool enough to make me want to do it again...My next "gig" is a 50th wedding anniversary party in Black Forest...They want Big Band music...Wish me luck, Hopefully I can keep things quite "krunk" for them as well...

I went shopping on Sunday with my bounty of cash from the event...I purchased my wife a new hockey helmet and myself some clothing. I'm wearing one of my new shirts today, as a matter of fact. I think I'll buy booze with the rest of the money...It may help me get through if I have to DJ another reception like this one...

Labels: indignities, lame stories, misguided rantings, radio stories, sports