Because I'm awesome, I got a job.

Labels: tales of triumph

It is with a marked lack of fanfare that I have let this blog die. Additionally, despite going out on a celebrity interview high note, it would seem that I have unconsciously chosen to put the ol' awesomecasts to bed as well. To be honest, my indifference to taking time out of my day to write about my day began long before I was laid off in January. Hell, it'd been more than a year since I treated this site with enough respect to update it regularly. I simply have more important things to do than "blog." And yet, here I am. Blogging.

So how have you been? Myself, I've been alright. You see, it's almost June and June will mark 6 months that I have been without gainful employment. If anyone would have told me in January that I'd still be without full-time employment at this stage of the game, I'd have likely shat myself out of sheer, brain-melting worry. I never expected that unemployment would drag on this long, but I guess I also never could have forseen the definite indifference that potential employers have shown towards me. There was a time when I considered myself talented, even useful. I'm sad to say it, but that time has faded into memory. It's a cruel thing, being unemployed in a town that collectively seeks to devalue not only your industry but your wealth of experience in said industry. Days blend into weeks which blend into months and 5 months pass you by as you sit, day after day, slowly becoming an even more unemployable pile of whiskers and blubber. Just. Let. It. End. For God's sake, just let it end.

So anyhow, it's baseball season once again and I find myself part of the MSBL Colorado Springs Cardinals, a slightly souped-up version of last year's Cubs with a healthy chunk of the dead weight jettisoned and some great new additions in place. We had a great turnout for our first game, a game that we won rather convincingly given the zeitgeist of the team...Everyone was excited, everyone was on top of their game, the pitchers pitched, the fielders fielded, the batters batted. Oh, what a sight that was for sore eyes. And then...Well, since then we haven't exactly been able to recapture that same magic. In fact, in the three games which have followed that first game, the Cards have literally had their asses handed to them. Or us. Or whatever. Short story: we have yet to win a game other than that first one. But it's still fun. Except my batting average sucks a big one compared to last year. Need to hit the cages some more...Anyone have some spare change?

So my on again off again relationship with the ol' Pub Quiz seems to be back on. Oh, right, I never mentioned that the Oscar's quiz was given over to another Quizmaster after a month. Jesus, I should update this thing more often...Anyhow, despite this setback, it looks like I'll be taking over the quiz duties at Porky's Beach Bar indefinitely. The quiz is on Thursdays, come see me. The burgers really are great at Porky's and holy crap, you could win prizes.

Max is growing exponentially and learning new things everyday. And he talks with his hands. HE'S ALSO THE CUTEST BABY EVER:


Hey! Look! A truck MADE OF HAM:


Anyway...I can't think of much else to post here, especially given the low number of warm bodies who will actually set eyes on it. Freak Train is coming up very soon. I should have stunning video of it as long as key people don't flake out on me. Anyhow, enough of this...It's time for bed. As always, thanks for stopping by...You kids have a phenomenal 3rd quarter now...

OH YEAH, I forgot to mention that I did something both handy and manly over the weekend. I built and installed a new gate. Seems the old post had rotted away and the old gate was kind of crap so I built a new one. That went off with only one instance of mild electrocution (I blame the age of the circular saw). I then set to the task of removing the old post (anchored by 3 feet of concrete that I had to dig up). As was my suspicion, the post was weak. So weak, in fact, that it snapped off in my meaty hands well before I had enough concrete exposed. While trying to loosen said concrete, I inadvertantly drove two rusty nails into my calf. It bled. I had to get a tetanus shot. Kudos to the wife, too, she suggested I use my truck to pull the concrete out and it frickin' worked. Anyhow, yeah. I built something. And it's level. And I only almost killed myself. That is all.

Labels: indignities, lame stories

So there are a couple of you (you know who you are) who continue to berate me for not posting things here on the ol' blog (specifically that podcast that we've had in the can for a couple months). I admire your tenacity and futile belief in me, especially since this thing has all the appearance of having been completely abandoned like the remnants of some uninhabitable irradiated town that you might find if you looked hard enough in the desert right before you dropped from heat exhaustion (and radiation poisoning, dummy). True, you could revel in your über-awesome detective skills while the buzzards circled overhead for 20, maybe 30 minutes if you're a particularly hardy soul, but what then? Huh? Fine work, Encyclopedia fuckin' Brown, NOW who's fixin' to die? Wait, what the fuck were we talking about here? I got off track...Anyhow, yeah, I guess I should start trying to make up for my glaring shortcomings by giving you kids something which you didn't specifically ask for...A random update-filled post...

I'm Still An Unemployed Bum, But At Least I'm Workin'...
It's true, I have yet to find gainful, full-time employment in any of the career fields in which I claim to excel, but I HAVE been picking up just enough freelance work (including working a couple half-days a week at the agency that laid me off) to fuck up my unemployment check eek by on the bills and things. Don't get the wrong impression, though, ain't no one gonna start puttin' in bids on my house and possessions just yet...Things haven't reached that level of "dire" at this point, but I'd SO rather find some manner of full time work so I can return to my former lifestyle of luxury and excess...You know, the lifestyle where I don't have to stock my freezer with Totino's Pizzas and/or the wife and I can go out to eat without nagging thoughts about the mortgage payment ruining the evening. Truth is, jobs are few and far between for everyone and I'm not the only "creative professional" out of work in this area. I'm thinking that freelancing full time may be my future. Anyone need a website? How about a logo. can I interest you in a direct mail campaign? No? How about a replica Rolex?

I Have A Couple of New Websites to Visit...Give 'em a Look!..
www.derekknightcreative.com
www.derekknightisfunnygoddammit.com

What The Fuck Good is LinkedIn When It Never Loads?..
Seriously, it never loads up for me. What the Hell is wrong with that site?

All Things Being Equal, I Prefer To Vanquish Strangers...
So, given that I have a newfound amount of time on my hands and that I'm also "open to new challenges," everyone's old buddy Collin sent me some info about a month ago about an organization called Geeks Who Drink looking for Quizmasters to run their Pub Quizzes in various locations INCLUDING Colorado Springs. The requirements were pretty simple...Quizmasters need to be able to speak clearly on a mic in a bar, deal with being harassed by drunken PhD candidates and also own a laptop and digital camera (you know, so you can blog about all that crap afterwards). The info noted that the gig pays just enough (including a bar tab) to make doing it worthwhile (did I mention the bar tab?). I consider all of the aforementioned (including using up a bar tab) within my specific skill set, so I sent in an "application." I didn't think much of it until last Monday when I got a call out of the blue from the Geek in charge. Seems he was running a bit behind in contacting people, but he wanted to know if I could audition later that evening at Jack Quinn's. After a bit of hemming and hawing, I agreed to be at Quinn's at the appointed time to show off my skills in front of a crowd. When I told Collin about it, he said "oh yeah? Justin has an audition tonight too!" personally, I thought that this was a wonderful break! Having a friend at the bar in the same boat would take some of my crowd-and-stranger-hating trepidation away! I called Justin and told him of the news and, strangely, he didn't share my enthusiasm right away. "You...You're the other guy?" he asked, right before shouting expletives. Justin explained to me that he got the call last week about auditions and was told that it would be him and "one other guy." Apparently, Justin (unemployed just like me) had been feeling confident enough to buy a laptop leading up to audition evening whereas I was given so little notice, I didn't have time to be too terribly anything. Eventually Justin agreed that it'd be fun having such friendly competition and that we could stick around and play the quiz together (which we did) I thought Justin did pretty well during his audition and he thought the same about me. I really wanted Justin to get the gig, but I wanted the gig too...As it turns out, I was the one hired on to be Quizmaster on Sundays at Oscar's and Justin wasn't. I was simultaneously excited for myself and sincerely sorry for Justin when I got the call telling me that I was chosen...Hey, in every kind of contest I enter, I love to win. I prepare to win. I play to win. This is a new thing for me, though...When winning comes at the expense of someone I actually like, I feel kind of weird about it, know what I mean?

Anyhow, weirdness aside, I went through quite the abbreviated training schedule with the other two Colorado Springs Quizmasters, observing on Wednesday and performing the quiz on Thursday...On Sunday, it was my first crack at full-blown, solo quizmastering since the old days of "Noon Name That Tune" at Graham...All things considered, the quiz went pretty well. It's a new venue for the quiz on a night not typically set aside for drunken brain olympics, but I think it'll catch on. Overall, given the whole "bar tab" aspect of my new part-time employment, I couldn't be happier about the placement. After all, Oscar's serves things like crawfish ettoufée...CRAWFISH, BITCHES! Fuck YES! So come out and play the pub quiz on Sundays at 7:00pm...No cost to play and your team of up to 6 diversely knowledgeable people can win gift certificates...On top of that, it's totally in vogue to go to work on Monday with a hangover and smelling like fried shrimp. Seriously, you could look it up, but why waste the effort when I've already told you how cool it is. You want to be cool, right? RIGHT!? Yeah, that's what I THOUGHT...

Sometimes, Even When You Don't Want To, You Have To Spend Money...
So this whole freelancing thing has forced me to use the desk in our back room a whole lot more. As you may imagine, things like this go hand in hand with sitting in a desk chair. As some of you know, I'm a notoriously cheap bastard and there are just some things I don't like dropping a lot of money on. A desk chair for home use has been in that category...The first desk chair we bought was one of those 40 or 50 dollar Wal-Mart jobs: About as sturdy as a plastic crate and probably just as comfortable. It lasted a year, maybe, before it started to list like the Andrea Doria...Finally, it went into the trash and a dining room chair was repurposed as the desk chair. None of this mattered much, at least to me, because I spent very little time at the desk. Eventually, I was able to rescue an old conference room chair from meeting a dumpstery fate at the agency I used to work at...Granted, the chair was thickly upholstered (in hindsight, I may have been singularly blinded by that), but it was definitely in disrepair...It was missing the cylinder with which you could change the height of the chair which meant that it had very limited stability...Again, not a big deal to me, because I only really sat in the stupid thing for awesomecasts (and we all know that I hadn't done much of that recently)...Now, though, with the aforementioned salvage chair receiving daily use, sometimes for hours on end and always by someone of my considerable girth, it's lack of structural integrity was causing me legitimate concern...At any moment, I believed that the whole thing could collapse, sending my fat ass through either the glass top desk or the sliding glass door next to the glass top desk...Both scenarios had me thinking "severed artery" at the very least and, to be honest, my copious assmeats were becoming increasingly sore from the marathon balancing sessions. "No more," I thought. It was time to buy a chair...I first looked at Sam's Club, since you're led to believe that things are so cheap there. Sadly, I found the chairs ol' dead Sam Walton offers to be "not quite comfortable enough" for the price. I then set my sights on an office furniture store on the north end of town that was going out of business and "taking all reasonable offers" in a vain effort to clear out their overpriced shit. After trying to ditch the salesleech that crawled onto my back as soon as I entered the joint by sitting way too long in every chair on the floor and leaning precariously far back in most of them, I found a chair I liked. I offered $110 big American dollars for a reasonably comfortable blue chair with adjustable arms. Leechboy was visibly offended by my price estimate and told me to "try tripling that." After announcing that only a 'tard would pay 300 (US) for a fabric-upholstered medium-back desk chair, I walked out. My chair options dwindling, it was decided that American Furniture Warehouse would be the place to buy...Historically, while their selection and prices are hard to beat, I've avoided going in because it was inhabited by the most predatory of sales people. Why, back in the day, you'd consider yourself lucky if you made it 12 feet without being accosted by some member of the sales staff with apparently little else to focus on but YOU. Times have changed, however, and it was like pulling teeth to get someone to take my money on our most recent visit. Finally, though, some skinny bitch stopped hiding in the bathroom long enough to let me buy the reasonably comfortable leather chair that I'm sitting in now. I didn't really think the process of buying a damn chair would be this hard, and I was hoping to not have to put the thing together myself ('cause I suck at that kind of thing) but it's done. I spent money without a job and my ass thanks me for it.

So I guess that's about it for now...I really should get to bed so I can enjoy another day home with my son tomorrow...You kids have a fine rest of the week...As always, thanks for stopping by.

Labels: indignities, lame stories, tales of triumph

Yes, I'm fully aware that last Wednesday I failed in my duty to provide you kids with a freshly uploaded awesomecast. Yes, I know that I succumbed to my uber-narcissistic tendencies and instead offered a video of me doing lame standup comedy. As an offering of peace to you, gentle listener, I give you this week's episode, which should've been next week's, but because it's longer than usual AND features someone famous (Robb Spewak from the syndicated smash hit radio program The Mike O'Meara Show), it jumped to the front of the line. I'm sure you've had just about enough of my crap to this point, so I shall type no more...Go ahead...Clicky to listen...

Even though I've referred to myself as 'Captain Verbosity' in the past, I'm sure you'll find when you listen that Robb takes that title from me with ease.

Labels: audio, awesomecasts, celebrity interviews, podcasts, radio stories

Ok, yeah. I know that Wednesday is supposed to be reserved for the podcastings. Look, it's almost midnight, alright? I JUST got the videos from last night's Freak Train chopped up and uploaded. I am NOT staying up to edit down the podcast. I'll get it done later. No rush. Nobody's going to go into shock that I didn't get something done. Anyway, here's a look at what I did last night. 3 jokes, people. That's what I had. 3. I guess that's all I needed...



And, as a point of reference, Justin:



So there you are. You kids have a fine Wednesday now. Also: Find me a job. That is all.

Labels: Bad Stand-Up Comedy, Freak Train, lame stories, spoof commercials

Holy crap, it's Wednesday already and LOOK! I've posted another podcast! this week, we get to interview friend of the show M. Dung. for the 4th time...In this episode, you get to hear about Dung's long journey back to live radio and the quick end that a format change brought about, but also the next step for the Idiot Show. Look, I can't paint as pretty a picture about it all just typing, you need to hear about it, so go ahead...Clicky to listen...

longtime listeners (listener) will notice the different musics...It is an homage to Dung. Enjoy.

Labels: audio, awesomecasts, celebrity interviews, podcasts

Hey! Hey! Look! Monday is a day off for some people! It's MLK day! Because I'm too lazy to write anything new pertaining to this holiday, I shall post a reworking, of sorts, of a post which first appeared on this blog way back in 2004. This very reworking was read almost word-for-word by Penn Jillette on his now defunct radio program. The actual text for your readin' pleasure follows, but for those of you who would prefer to be read to, you can hear Mr. Jillette's interpretation right here:

---
When I was in elementary school, leading up to the inaugural Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King Junior holiday, all us school kids got some heavy book learnin' in about segregation, civil rights and many other facts (also: minutia) in regards to the life of Dr. King. In addition, in honor of the impending FIRST EVER official celebration of Dr. King's life and work, our school was to hold an assembly presentation, with us 6th graders doin' the bulk of the presentin' in question. Now, if you've never experienced an all-school assembly first hand, here's some quick background...All of the children who attended the school, along with all of the faculty and staff, would gather in the gymnasium/cafeteria and watch the "chosen ones" (in this case, us) put on whatever little show they (we) were supposed to...well..."put on." After that, there would usually be a "second performance" in the evening for all of the parents. This particular production was no exception. We all rehearsed songs and skits that, presumably, were designed to help us sixth-grade crackers give all of the younger crackers some insight into the life, death and accomplishments of Dr. King. The highlight of our little show was the closing which, it was decided, should be a live reading of Dr. King's (wildly popular) "I Have A Dream" speech.

Just so's you know, I'm really very "white." In fact, I bypass "milk bottle" and head straight for "total cracker," I'll readily admit that. This does not mean, however, that my schooling was void of diversity. On the contrary, I had a very "diverse" group of classmates, racially AND socio-economically. The community where I grew up is not far from a number of military bases and, as such, many different kids sporting many different backgrounds came and went while I was in school. There were numerous children of every imaginable ethnic heritage at the elementary school I attended. Getting down to brass tacks here, there were children at the school, in the same grade, of African-American descent available to read such a speech. Why am I telling you all of this? Well, it's simple, really...

In what can only be described as a stroke of (ignorant) brilliance, on what was supposed to be one of the most racially unifying days in American History, the teachers involved in putting the MLK Day assembly together tapped ME to read Dr. King's famous speech...

I am not kidding...

Obviously, I was flattered to have been chosen for such a responsibilty-laden assignment, but I couldn't help but be confused..."Why not John Parmalee or Edward? Why me?" I inquired. I was then told that, after much thought and consideration, I was chosen because I had the ability to (and I quote) "do all of those funny voices."

No shit..."Funny voices."

Let's put this into perspective, shall we? One of the most brilliant orators of the 20th century delivers an empassioned speech dealing with deep issues such as civil rights, equality and hope during a very tumultuous time in our history at great personal and professional risk to himself and I'm supposed to re-enact it on the FIRST EVER day officially set aside by our country to recognize his accomplishments because I can do "funny voices?" Apparently, I'm supposed to approach the "I Have A Dream" speech as if Dr. King were a cartoon character, how frickin' wrong is THAT? Regardless of the circumstances, the assignment was mine and "no" was not going to be accepted as an answer, so I took on the task of learning Dr. King's famous speech as best I could. During the assembly, I was to break into the speech directly following a song, performed by other members of my class. I was told by the music teacher that, if I missed my cue, there was potential to be drowned out by applause, so I HAD TO BE ALERT!...I COULD NOT MISS MY CUE!..

"Hell yeah," I thought, "I DAMN WELL better be alert"...It's not bad enough that some chubby little blond afro-headed kid was set to mimic the greatest civil rights leader in history, but what if, all of a sudden, people could be led to believe that I was merely hanging out at the front of the gym muttering to myself and disrupting the celebration?..The potential for disaster, I estimated, was very, very real. I rehearsed my part until I was sure that I had it down and then, just 'cause I was mortified, I rehearsed some more. I was going to be READY, dammit, regardless of how odd the whole thing seemed. Soon enough, the day of the assembly arrived. At the appointed hour, all of us whiteys took our respective places at the front of the cafeteria and set to the task of celebrating the life of Dr. King via skits and songs. While all of this was going on, there I stood at the front of the gym, paper in hand, ready to orate to the masses. I was dressed in my best slacks, a green polo shirt and my black "Members Only®" knockoff jacket, my hair having been recently and neatly "picked" into a wonderfully round yellowish cloud. Just as the song, the end of which was to be my cue, "ended" and before our audience could "applaud," I spoke, using the most authoritative tone that my 11 year old throat could muster...

"I HAVE A DREAM TODAY..."

As I delivered my adolescent version of one of the greatest speeches of all time, I was pleasantly surprised to find that all of my preparation had not been in vain. The words flowed from my mouth with passion and inflection, in fact, I barely had to look at the words on the paper which I had been clenching so nervously in my hand the whole time. As I finished the speech, I felt very calm and very relieved. The other students clapped and cheered and it seemed that the whole assembly had been quite the success, as elementary school assemblies go...I now realize what an honor it was to have been chosen to read the speech, even if it was an obviously screwy thing to begin with. I had a job to do and I did it. As long as I live, I'll never forget that I had the privilege of being "King for a day."

Labels: audio, lame stories, me roots, tales of triumph