A week or so ago (the days, they blend together), some fool on my myspace friends list sent out one of them bulletin things, the title of which was "25 bands which I have seen live." Or something. Anyhow, I usually don't pay a bit of attention to things like this (case in point, my sister "tagged" me for some-damn-thing last week) but after I read that title, I had to pause for a moment and think...Have I ever even seen 25 whole performers or bands live? You see, I'm not one to go running around seeing concerts...This is partly due to my abject disdain for most of the popular musics of today (HEY YOU KIDS! GET OFF OF MY LAWN!) but mostly due to the fact that a good lot of the people who I would wish to see are dying off at an alarming rate. In fact, it's a safe bet that if I want to see them play live, they're either retired or dead (or a combination of both). Anyhow, I WAS able to cobble together a list of 25 bands/performers which I have seen live and am ready to share said list with you all now, not to show how cool I am...Oh no, this list will most likely accomplish the exact opposite of that...I merely wanted to show how way out in left field my music tastes are. Everybody ready? Let's take a ride...

1. "Weird Al" Yankovic - I've seen him in concert about 5 different times, the first of which was a concert at the Colorado State Fair about 6-and-a-half years ago. At that time, my wife wasn't terribly interested in going to a Weird Al show but afterward (and despite falling down in the carnival midway after the show and busting up her knees), she was impressed. Weird Al puts on an excellent show and if you hang around long enough after the show is done, you will have an opportunity to meet him. He'll shake your hand and sign an autograph and talk with you briefly. Seriously, he has to be one of the nicest people you'll ever meet, show folk or not.

2. The (totally fake) Coasters - When I was maybe 20 (no...No, I was 21), I was deeply immersed in oldies music. At that time, I was working as a DJ at an oldies radio station and even in my spare time I was listening to as much 1950s music as I possibly could. My favorite group was (and still is) the Coasters (you know, Yakety Yak, Charlie Brown, Young Blood) and when I heard that "the Coasters" were going to be performing at the Arvada Center for the Performing Arts, I jumped at the chance to purchase a ticket. During the show, I was trying to figure out which Coasters were which and finally realized that I was watching a pack of fucking imposters. You see, even though the original lead singer of the Coasters (Carl Gardner) owns the name "the Coasters," it's virtually impossible for he and his wife to travel around the country and stop the imposters from performing (especially when venues like the Arvada Center don't care enough not to advertise falsely). If I'm not mistaken, the New York New York Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas has a lousy fake Coasters act performing on a regular basis. Don't go see them...They are fake-ass bastards. Speaking of the real thing, however...

3. Carl Gardner and the Coasters - Before Carl officially retired, I got a chance to see him perform at the Stardust in Las Vegas. It was a one night only performance and, because of timing, I had to drive like a bat out of Hell from Grand Junction, CO to Las Vegas and pretty much straight to the Stardust (I'm only exaggerating a little). In fact, we pretty much bought our tickets and sat down right before the show started. It was awesome, though. being able to see Carl Gardner perform. With the exception of the Bass singer (Ronnie Bright, who replaced Will Jones in the '60s) and the guitarist (Thomas Palmer who joined in 1962), none of the other members were "originals" but what the Hell - It was Carl Gardner on lead tenor...After the show, he and his wife were sitting in the lobby and, with a little push from my wife, I went over to speak with him. He seemed genuinely appreciative that people still wanted to come out and see him perform...I got a few autographs and a handshake and I was on top of the world...

4. Sonny Turner and the Platters - This group followed the Coasters at the Stardust. Sonny Turner replaced the (now deceased) lead singer Tony Williams in 1961. Turner turned out to be quite the performer...He had taken very good care of his voice and still had every bit of range. In addition to the Platters' classics, Turner did spot-on impressions of Ray Charles and Jackie Wilson and even did one of the best renditions of the Spinners' "Rubberband Man" that I've ever heard.

5. The Beach Boys - Even though I've grown to despise them for their lack of originality, when I was a kid, I liked the Beach Boys a whole lot. We saw them at Mile High Stadium in denver in the summer of 1987 following, of all things, a minor league baseball game...From what I remember, they still sounded pretty damn good at that time.

6. John Kay and Steppenwolf - Saw them also at Mile High Stadium in maybe 1988, but this was as part of a larger oldies show presented by KOOL 105 FM from Denver. They rocked it hard and I was able to convince my mom to buy me a souvenir shirt that said "a double decade of rock and rebellion" on the back.

7. Young Black Teenagers - opened for Primus, Public Enemy and Anthrax at the Air Force Academy's Arnold Hall in 1991. Despite their moniker, they were not only NOT black, they did not appear to be young teenagers. They were, in fact, terrible. Whitey-white rap in the same mold as 3rd Bass (except with far less talent, as if that's really possible).

8. Primus - Arnold Hall, 1991. Opened for Public Enemy and Anthrax. I had heard their album "Frizzle Fry" at that point but wasn't sure what I thought about Primus yet. After seeing them live, though, I knew that they were sheer genius in action.

9. Public Enemy - Same concert, double bill with Anthrax at Arnold Hall in 1991. They were...Well, they were ok...I mean, Chuck D. was doing his best and Flava Flav wasn't completely batshit insane at that point in his career, but what I remember most was the segment when they were featuring Terminator X (the group's DJ) and they all seemed so shocked when he pulled out some "pop" sound effect, like he was a master wizard mixer or something. IT WAS A FUCKING SOUND EFFECT...I could do that too...

10. Anthrax - 1991, same concert, Arnold Hall. I liked Anthrax then, they were cool. Once Joey Belladonna left, though...Anyhow, during this show, yeah...I had a great time. Anthrax rocked.

11. Ice T's Body Count - In 1992, Metallica was touring with Guns n' Roses, playing sold-out stadiums. It was supposed to be the concert event of the century. They had Faith No More (a band which I liked very much) opening for them. I'm sure you'll remember, though, that during the Montreal stop on the big tour, dumb ass James Hetfield (of Metallica) stepped into the pyrotechnics and was burnt up like a weenie over a campfire. As such, the rest of the tour stops had to be rescheduled and as a result, Faith No More couldn't open for all of them. The Denver stop was rescheduled for sometime in August and...Well...I had to sit through Ice-T's Body Count instead of Faith No More. That was about an hour of my life that I will never be able to have back. They sucked.

12. Metallica - Mile High Stadium, 1992, same show as above. How do you make even a great concert unenjoyable? here's how: I saw the show with my then ex-girlfriend. See, we bought the tickets when we were still dating and, because of the reschdule, saw the show after we had broken up. Despite that, I remember that Metallica put on an excellent show...The same, though, cannot be said for...

13. Guns N' Roses Who sucked the proverbial balls of the donkey at Mile High in 1992. It's no surprise that the band splintered into many little pieces not long after that...

14. The Texas Seven - A tight, relatively unknown little country/honkytonk combo that opened for Junior Brown. Speaking of Junior...

15. Junior Brown - Master of the Guit-Steel, a hybrid guitar of his own design which he plays in a searing and precise manner. Despite his country roots, Junior will do covers of Jimmy Hendrix in his show as well as a long set devoted to surf music. A must see if you ever find that he's in your town.

16. Rick Derringer - "Bonus" concert following a WWF pro wrasslin' show in Denver sometime in the '80s. It was late, I was like...12, I was tired and wanted to go home, but we stayed and watched him. As soon as the lights went down, the hippies in the audience blazed it up. Dirty bud smoking bastards...

17. Air Supply - Forced to see them when I was 5. FORCED! At the State Fair, no less. I had the opportunity to tell this story on the Penn Jillette show and, since this is really running long, you can HEAR me tell about it by clicking here.

18. Rascal Flatts - Has your wife (or your girlfriend, if you're not currently married) ever given you one of those "we never go to see anything that I want to see" guilt trips lines? Well, seeing Rascal Flatts was the result of something just like that. My wife loves these guys' stuff and so I took her to see them. They followed the rodeo at the State Fair (hey, just like Air Supply). At the risk of losing any "street cred" I may have (which is "none), I have to say that they actually weren't that bad. Despite their syrupy country harmonic stuff, they're a pretty capable rock band, something they proved during the encore phase of the show by playing some great classic rock.

19. The Nachomen - Opened for the fake-ass fuckin' Coasters at the Arvada Center (see 2nd entry, above). They're a more-than-capable oldies cover band and, even though I should, I'm not going to hold their transgression of cavorting with impostors against them. They still perform in and around the Denver metro area and, from what I remember, they do the most fun and creative cover of "Palisade's Park" I've ever been a part of.

20. The Persuasions - An old 1950s doo-wop combo from somewhere back east who, despite their utter lack of commerical success, have been together since the aforementioned '50s. As part of their finale, I and other more bold audience members accepted their invitation to come on stage and sing "in the Still of the Night" with them . Even though I got stuck singing bass (I'm certainly more of a tenor), it was likely the best experience I've ever had at any concert, bar none.

21. the Mike Jones Combo - Which happens to be Mike Jones on the Piano and Penn Jillette on upright Bass. Mike Jones is a tremendously talented Jazz pianist and Penn Jillette...Well, he and Teller do a magic show at the Rio in Las Vegas. In fact, that's where you SEE the Mike Jones Combo - before the Penn and Teller show in Las Vegas.

22. the Insane Clown Posse - Quit laughing. It was a phase, it's passed. Yes, I painted my face. Collin did too. At the actual show, I had to be his "barrier" between safety and the mosh pit...

23. Blaze Ya Dead Homie - Opened for ICP, sucked mostly all the way.

24. White Zombie - Had actually bought the tickets for my sister as her birthday present in like...1994, but she had to work or something and couldn't go so I took my friend Ryan. It was an ok show but as a band, they were on their downward slide towards Rob Zombie as a solo artist. If I remember right, we left before the show was over.

and finally
25. Sam the Sham - Saw the old guy at a KDZA Oldies 108 concert in Pueblo in 1998 or '99. I was able to not only get great seats, but passes to the after party. I still have the picture he autographed for me sitting right behind me on a little rolling file thing...

So there you go...25 whole bands/performers that I've seen. Man, that was hard...I feel so lame...Anyhow, thanks for stopping by...You kids have a great Tuesday now.

Labels: lame stories, me roots