Friday, September 15, 2006
So yeah. Sorry. I mean, I know that Friday down here on the ol' blogstead is supposed to be reserved for the presentation of "all things visual," etc. but...Well...You know how things go sometimes...Anyhow, to try and alleviate SOME of the pain that you all must collectively feel due to my insensitivity (also: laziness), I'm going to
From: "Dirty Nigerian Scammer"
Subject: From: Mr. Eric Ojukwu.
Date: Tue, 12 Sep 2006 16:44:40 +0000
From:Mr. Eric Ojukwu.
Personal email: email@example.com
Deer Knight, which is TOTALLY like the Batman of the animal world. Or bat-deer. Seriously, it's like a buck all dressed in black with BAT EARS and...Oh, right, on with the spam.
I am a staff , ...daddy was a cop... and work with a bank ...on the east side of Chicago... (one of the African leading African leading? What are you, the peid piper of Nigeria? banks in the West Coast. the west coast OF WHAT? I am writing following an opportunity in my office that will be of immense benefit to both of us someone TOTALLY left a pizza in the breakroom!. In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of £10.5million British Pounds Sterling shit, that's WAY better than a pizza...Tell me more, dude (Ten million five hundred thousand British Pounds) in an account that belongs to now read this next bit carefully one of lost his life in the plane crash THE plane crash. We have one plane. It crash. which crashed yeah, um...figured that part out from "plane crash" on January 31 2000, including his wife and only daughter.
Since we got information about his death (the pizza guy broke the news) , we have been expecting his next of kin or relatives to come over we left the front door open and everything! Ok, to be fair, we may have locked the screen door, but with hella big stacks of British pound monies lying around, you can't be too careful and claim his money because let's face it, we gots his monies, man! we cannot release it unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceasedas WTF, is that Spanish? Deceasedas...Are those those bugs that make all that damn noise? indicated in our banking guidelines. STICK TO THE CODE!
Unfortunately I learnt pizza guy again that his supposed next of kin being his only daughter wait for it died NOOOO! Not the DAUGHTER! Not his ONLY DAUGHTER! I didn't see that com...Oh, wait...Yes I did. You told me that earlier...Right, carry on along with him in the plane crash one plane, crash, we walk everywhere now, blah blah blah leaving nobody with the knowledge of this fund and OH THE KNOWLEDGE IT CONTAINS! Cures for both cancer and the HIV! Winning lotto numbers! The secret formula for Coke®! The locations of celebrity homes! behind for the claim. It is therefore upon this discovery that I and two other officials in this department call "dibs" on this dude's cash now decided to make business with you 'cause, you know, we think you're pretty cool and we read your blog from time to time and hey, no foolin', we know you need the monies and release the money to you as the next of kin woo hoo or beneficiary that works too of the funds for safety keeping I safety keep things for strange foreigners ALL THE TIME! So like one time I was at the airport and this guy with a towel on his head is all like "hey, watch my luggage" and I'm like "safety keeping is MY middle name!" I tried to explain that to the TSA people, they wouldn't listen...Anyway, go ahead... and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it we TOTALLY left that front door open for TWO WHOLE DAYS, MAN! And it was COLD and we don't want this money to go back into Government treasury as unclaimed bill Yeah! Stick it to the MAN! The government would probably just blow it on hookers and beer anyway.The banking law and guidelines here stipulates that such money remained after six years the money will be transferred into banking treasury as unclaimed funds I think I get it, dude, no need to repeat yourself, Mel Tillis.
We agreed that 35% of this money will be for you as foreign partner Next of Kin, Beneficiary, Safety Keeper, Foreign Partner: I like them all!, 10% for reimbursement to both parties for incidental expenses like when we have you fly out here so's we can brain you with a bat or something equally as deadly that may be incurred in the course of the transaction for insurance, phone bills and taxes etc while the balance will be for me and my colleagues AND the pizza dude! I will visit your country it's a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there...Wait, um...What I meant was... for the disbursement according to the percentages indicated above once this money gets into your account Wait...The money goes into MY account? 35% now equals 100%. Pleasure doing business with you. Please be honest to me I HAVE been meaning to have a chat with you...You know, things have changed recently between us. I want you to know that it's not YOU, it's Me...*sigh* this is always so hard...Oh, no...DON'T YOU CRY ON ME. See, that's why we can't talk anymore... and trust is our watchword I prefer "BACAW! BACAW!" like in the 3 Amigos in this transaction. Note this transaction is confidential and risk free and, for a limited time, we WON'T shoot you in the back of the head during our third meeting. As soon as you receive this mail which is like...you know...NOW you should contact me by reply mail by...you know...HITTING "REPLY".Please note that all necessary arrangement for the smooth release of these funds we fed the funds Ex-Lax without it knowing to you has been finalized even though...you know...you JUST now heard of us.
We will discuss much in details when I do receive your response things like whether blunt trauma or knife wounds tend to kill you faster.
Mr. Eric Ojukwu.
So there's that. You kids have a great weekend now...Thanks for stopping by!