After I posted the goofy drug stickers on Thursday, my wife ended up finding more wonderful chunks of the sticker set, including this "identifier sticker":


Now, I'm not convinced that the Denver Post specifically had the darn things printed up, I'm guessing that they simply struck a deal with whatever half-assed printing house produced the stickers to distribute them, and other newspapers around the country did the same (way back in the 80s, or whenever "dope" didn't mean "fly"). I do like the phrase "Don't be a dope (like the duck), say no to narcotics and alcohol." Now, why they chose the word "narcotics" rather than just "drugs" is interesting. Remember, kids! Opiates are bad news! When you're in the hospital after that really bad bike accident and you're screaming in horrible pain, you have little choice other than to REFUSE MORPHINE or Oxycodone for said (horrible) pain. This is because the effing duck and the cat says that they're bad, mmkay? Just lie there and hurt. It's for the best.

Also, this wording implies that other drugs (including marijuana, pcp, lsd, krylon, advil and the like) are a-ok and should be ingested at will. Go nuts! BUT DON'T YOU GO TOUCHIN' THAT DEMON LIQUOR! Drinkin' booze leads straight to job loss, divorce, hives, halitosis, homelessness and the seventh level of Hell. It's in the bible, I'm sure. At the very least, I think I read it in the Denver Post...


And here we have a sticker which features a terribly apathetic bear who appears to have added drugs to his (or her) honey who would much rather give you a big fat hug than get you high on heroin. Hugs, not drugs, kids. That's the answer. This means that when you're in the ER after that bike accident we talked about and the nurse hooks you up to an IV full of sweet, painkilling narcotic goodness, you must IMMEDIATELY issue (between blood curdling shrieks of pain) the following admonishment: "I hope like hell that's an IV full of HUGS, lady, or the bear is gonna KICK YOUR ASS!" Of course, this is contingent upon you being able to even formulate that sentence once the power of the drugs catches hold of ya...


Y'know, I'm actually liking this sticker, it's almost along the same lines of the harsher stickers I proposed in the first entry. Of course, this could just mean that Dope the Duck is a hard-core killer and the dog is simply letting us know this so that we don't go pushin' dope around and end up gettin' capped, or "some shit like 'dat." The flowers and the unfinished dog torso really lend a "hard edge" to this particular message that I'm sure would cut through to the average adolescent drug user, provided that said drug user is around the age of 6 or 7, is female and has an affinity for stickers, flowers and half-dogs as well as dope, which, by definition, is not a narcotic or alcohol so it must be ok, anyway. So says the Denver Post and the cat and the bear and...

eh...Never mind.

Labels: pointless shit