Thursday, November 18, 2004

Like Talking to a Perverted Brick Wall... 

So, I KNOW that I said I'd be telling you all thrilling tales of mine and my wife's anniversary weekend, AND I WILL...I SO will...For now, though, I'm gonna do up another ripoff post. I'm good at those, after all...Way back in March, I filled you all in on my initial attempt to "chat prank the chat prank master" that is JSP. The details are unimportant, but of course, this episode led to my having an extra AOL account that has a decidedly feminine appearance. I still have the account active because I can utilize its (free) FTP space to host the (goofy) images that I post here. From time to time, I need to log into that account so I can do various FTP related things...Last night was one of those "times..."

I've been absolutely stunned, to say the least, that simply having an AOL profile which says that a particular screenname is owned by a female will garner such attention...Case in point: I could probably log into AOL with my usual screenname and sit for days, of not weeks (maybe months), without someone whom I do not know contacting me via IM or email (cue crickets chirping). However, nearly AS SOON AS I AM LOGGED IN with the "feminine" screenname, I will be bombarded with instant messages from dumbasses whom I do not know from "Adam" (who, ironically enough, I don't know either). Last night, I received an IM when I logged in almost before I could blink and I thought "I should screw with this person a bit." I also decided to see how many IMs I could get going at once, so I quickly popped into, and out of, a random chatroom. I was able to successfully field about 9 or 10 instant messages during this "experiment." I will now share some of the conversations which I had with "America's most desperate men"...now...

Oh, and just because I'm not a TOTAL asshole, I've modified the screennames of my "victims." So don't go looking for these screenames online, they don't exist (that I know of)...Heh.

This kid was the first to contact me...I lost part of the initial conversation because I closed the chat window, but you'll get the idea of what HE'S looking for...
NewYorkMex (10:04:38 PM): so what are u up to tonight?
DarkBookGrrl (10:04:46 PM): wasting time
(...not a TOTAL lie...)

NewYorkMex (10:06:32 PM): I'm 18/m/nyc do u mind?
(...what kind of question is THAT? Is he asking if I'm Mary Kay Letourneau?..

DarkBookGrrl (10:06:56 PM): do you?
NewYorkMex (10:07:09 PM): no
NewYorkMex (10:07:30 PM): how old are u? if u don't mind me asking
DarkBookGrrl (10:08:08 PM): 30
NewYorkMex (10:08:29 PM): would u describe urself or do u have a pic?
DarkBookGrrl (10:09:19 PM): yeah, um...I'm too big for all of that. Aerial shots are all that we have...you know, satellite photography
NewYorkMex (10:10:02 PM): k
DarkBookGrrl (10:10:27 PM): just a GIANT FAT PERSON, dude. Big and fat. Just like you like 'em
DarkBookGrrl (10:11:15 PM): I'm kind of like that beanbag chair you have in your room.
DarkBookGrrl (10:11:23 PM): except I need to be fed now and then
DarkBookGrrl (10:15:21 PM): oh, cmon, not gonna run away from WHALE GIRL, are ya?
NewYorkMex (10:15:52 PM): no just think ur acting like this to be stupid so if u don't want to chat then u just have to say so.. sorry to bother u bye bye
DarkBookGrrl (10:16:47 PM): no...punctuation...can't....handle...it...
Nothin' special, just a warmup...Obviously, the kid wasn't into chasin' the chubby ones...Heh..."to be stupid." I love it...

Now THIS guy...Wow...Well, read on and you'll see why I changed HIS screenname to what I changed it to...
TOTALF'NPERV (10:05:20 PM): hi....how are you feeling tonight?
DarkBookGrrl (10:05:26 PM): shitty. You?
TOTALF'NPERV (10:06:00 PM): 46 M .Why shotty?
TOTALF'NPERV (10:06:07 PM): shitty*
DarkBookGrrl (10:06:10 PM): shitty. With an "I"
TOTALF'NPERV (10:06:19 PM): yes but why?
DarkBookGrrl (10:06:28 PM): no, with an "I," not "Y"
TOTALF'NPERV (10:06:58 PM): LOL...OK...can I make you feel any bettery? with a y?
DarkBookGrrl (10:07:10 PM): batteries
DarkBookGrrl (10:07:15 PM): what? weirdo.
TOTALF'NPERV (10:07:30 PM): actually, quite normal here
TOTALF'NPERV (10:07:44 PM): sometime weird, heck yeah
DarkBookGrrl (10:08:06 PM): HELL yeah...just say it
TOTALF'NPERV (10:08:22 PM): ok...may I ask your age?
DarkBookGrrl (10:08:54 PM): sure. go ahead
TOTALF'NPERV (10:09:01 PM): Are you a sexy over 30 Mom? Your age?
...That must've been the chat room that I popped into...Heh...
DarkBookGrrl (10:09:27 PM): no, 30
TOTALF'NPERV (10:09:59 PM): cool....what are you up for tonight? anything exciting?
DarkBookGrrl (10:10:45 PM): shit no! I'm up for about 30 more minutes and then it's lights out, bitch!
TOTALF'NPERV (10:11:16 PM): Wanna play for a half hour then before bed?
DarkBookGrrl (10:11:33 PM): play what, like hockey?
DarkBookGrrl (10:11:40 PM): xbox live, beeeatch?
TOTALF'NPERV (10:12:13 PM): Mmmmm...can be very relaxing....relieve ALL you tensions....
...All ME tensions? What the Hell?..
TOTALF'NPERV (10:12:31 PM): Ooohh...be you have a very FUN Xbox, sweetie
...OK, would that shit work on ANYONE? Seriously...I started to lose patience with him...
TOTALF'NPERV (10:12:38 PM): bet* you
DarkBookGrrl (10:13:13 PM): yes, and I can also...wait, Hell with it...You're pretty much a goofus, right?
TOTALF'NPERV (10:13:38 PM): Not really...just a regular nice guy actually
DarkBookGrrl (10:13:48 PM): yeaaaahhhhh...
TOTALF'NPERV (10:14:06 PM): maybe a little warped in the sense of humor and sex department
DarkBookGrrl (10:14:26 PM): maybe? C'mon, just be straight up. You're a pervert
TOTALF'NPERV (10:14:41 PM): But overall, ...certainly up for fun
TOTALF'NPERV (10:15:16 PM): WHAT??!!!....A pervert?.....I'm not just a member...I'm their PRESIDENT
DarkBookGrrl (10:15:30 PM): uh huh
TOTALF'NPERV (10:15:39 PM): At least, my member is....LOL.....
TOTALF'NPERV (10:15:59 PM): So what make you a "dark book girl?
TOTALF'NPERV (10:16:16 PM): what's the darkest book you;ve read?
DarkBookGrrl (10:16:20 PM): I was trying to pull a prank on "spooky art boi."
...Again, not a lie...
DarkBookGrrl (10:16:24 PM): do the "math."
TOTALF'NPERV (10:17:14 PM): I C ....can I be "haunting musicman"?
DarkBookGrrl (10:17:20 PM): taken.
TOTALF'NPERV (10:17:40 PM): eeiesoundguy?
DarkBookGrrl (10:17:57 PM): doesn't make sense
TOTALF'NPERV (10:18:01 PM): Lurid Lyric Lad?
DarkBookGrrl (10:18:13 PM): catchy, but no.
TOTALF'NPERV (10:18:19 PM): LOL....
TOTALF'NPERV (10:18:34 PM): what prank are you pulling?
TOTALF'NPERV (10:18:44 PM): and what's so bad about perverts?
DarkBookGrrl (10:19:02 PM): oh, it's over. I was "found out"
...This IS true...Remind me to tell you all about that...Is funny...
TOTALF'NPERV (10:19:20 PM): I am proud of my perverseness. if you will...
TOTALF'NPERV (10:19:39 PM): And if you will.....hell....I would TOO
...Dude, cut it out!..eww...
DarkBookGrrl (10:20:19 PM): you have, as the professional medicals say, "issues."
TOTALF'NPERV (10:20:39 PM): OK DB...if you say so....hope you have a fun night
DarkBookGrrl (10:20:57 PM): it's been awesome so far.
TOTALF'NPERV (10:21:16 PM): And if you'd really like a dark book....try Sylvia Plath's "The Bell Jar"
...Bound in only the darkest leather, I'm sure...
DarkBookGrrl (10:21:41 PM): uh...I'll jot that down, thanks.
...Didn't jot SHIT down, thanks...
TOTALF'NPERV (10:22:11 PM): k...enjoy yourself.....thanks for the chat
TOTALF'NPERV (10:22:15 PM): gnite now
DarkBookGrrl (10:22:22 PM): buh bye
...Whew. Glad THAT one's over...

...This guy was REALLY a desperate loser. I do admire his straightforwardness, though. I admire it to the point of only SLIGHTLY despising him for his complete (and total) loserness...
TonyBoots80 (10:03:30 PM): u cyber?
...Anyone ever tried THAT pickup line in a bar? Didn't think so...
DarkBookGrrl (10:04:05 PM): I'm human, not a robot.
TonyBoots80 (10:04:17 PM): i know
TonyBoots80 (10:04:24 PM): it was just a question
DarkBookGrrl (10:04:37 PM): no shit, sherlock
TonyBoots80 (10:04:41 PM): lol
TonyBoots80 (10:04:48 PM): no robot says that
DarkBookGrrl (10:05:09 PM): mine would
DarkBookGrrl (10:05:14 PM): over and over and over
...It would also be trained to shoot to kill, and to make taquitos, but that's another story...
TonyBoots80 (10:05:22 PM): then u be a funny bot
DarkBookGrrl (10:05:41 PM): funny? funnyy how?
DarkBookGrrl (10:05:47 PM): how am I funny to you?
TonyBoots80 (10:06:11 PM): u just are u just got all pissy with me and told me that u werent a robot
TonyBoots80 (10:06:24 PM): i can usually tell just by reading profiles
...Hell! We got ourselves a PROFILER here...
DarkBookGrrl (10:06:45 PM): you are perhaps psychic? like that Cleo?
TonyBoots80 (10:06:59 PM): no i never said that
TonyBoots80 (10:07:13 PM): see this is what i mean bout u ud be a funny robot
DarkBookGrrl (10:07:36 PM): this is mostly because I kick ass
TonyBoots80 (10:07:57 PM): im sure u can kick ass just not mine
DarkBookGrrl (10:08:19 PM): how about a wee stabbing?
TonyBoots80 (10:08:30 PM): hey now
DarkBookGrrl (10:08:30 PM): with a wee knife? weilded by a wee leprechaun?
TonyBoots80 (10:08:58 PM): becareful and u just might slapped with the wee
...OK, that just makes no sense...
DarkBookGrrl (10:09:44 PM): you wee on what?
TonyBoots80 (10:10:11 PM): i wee on what??
TonyBoots80 (10:11:29 PM): so
DarkBookGrrl (10:12:04 PM): sorry, I'm lying to perhaps 7 or 8 people here, not just you
...And THAT, kids, isn't even a lie...
TonyBoots80 (10:12:20 PM): i didnt ask u to lie to me
DarkBookGrrl (10:12:41 PM): it's a free service, dude
TonyBoots80 (10:12:47 PM): i didnt lie to u i was straight forward and right to the point
DarkBookGrrl (10:13:22 PM): yeah, well, I'm not
TonyBoots80 (10:13:43 PM): so ur a phony since u lie?
DarkBookGrrl (10:14:51 PM): no, I'm "keepin' it real." i just can't tell the truth. MUNCHAUSEN'S!
...I tried keeping things "krunk" once, too...It didn't work...
TonyBoots80 (10:15:17 PM): y cant u tell the truth
DarkBookGrrl (10:16:04 PM): ever tried it? it's not very much fun
TonyBoots80 (10:16:26 PM): yea i try it when i have to
DarkBookGrrl (10:17:12 PM): it'ss so overrated.
TonyBoots80 (10:17:31 PM): lol
TonyBoots80 (10:23:10 PM): so wanna cyber?
DarkBookGrrl (10:26:24 PM): wait, what?
TonyBoots80 (10:26:38 PM): so do u wanna cyber??
DarkBookGrrl (10:26:51 PM): are you selling cybers?
DarkBookGrrl (10:26:58 PM): what are they, are they cheap?
TonyBoots80 (10:27:52 PM): no i wanna cyber
DarkBookGrrl (10:28:04 PM): well, I don't have any...
...Yes, the conversation was mere "fluff" for him. All he wanted was someone...ANYONE to type to him in "sexy" tones. I'm sad for him now. Sad like how you'd point and laugh when someone falls and hurts themselves, THAT kind of sad...

...If you've stuck with this monotonous shit thus far, I'm glad. I'm NOT sorry, though, because a post like this fills up a SHITLOAD of space. One more to go, kids...Hang in there...
HyperLoser (10:03:35 PM): are you a hot girl?
DarkBookGrrl (10:03:56 PM): nah, it's not hot here
HyperLoser (10:04:05 PM): lol, where is here?
DarkBookGrrl (10:04:26 PM): you tell me
HyperLoser (10:04:34 PM): lol, i meant there
DarkBookGrrl (10:04:55 PM): where?
DarkBookGrrl (10:04:58 PM): here?
HyperLoser (10:05:02 PM): lol, yes
DarkBookGrrl (10:05:03 PM): holy shit, where AM I?
...a damn good question...Anyway...
HyperLoser (10:05:35 PM): lol, not here so i cant help you with that
DarkBookGrrl (10:05:56 PM): good.
HyperLoser (10:06:07 PM): aww thats not nice
DarkBookGrrl (10:06:19 PM): yes it is
HyperLoser (10:06:29 PM): lol, age?
DarkBookGrrl (10:07:20 PM): 30
HyperLoser (10:08:31 PM): are you single?
DarkBookGrrl (10:08:39 PM): I am the only one in the room
DarkBookGrrl (10:08:42 PM): wink wink
...nudge, nudge, grin, grin...
HyperLoser (10:09:02 PM): lol, i am 26
HyperLoser (10:09:28 PM): where are you from?
DarkBookGrrl (10:09:35 PM): right around here..
HyperLoser (10:10:49 PM): lol, so what do you do for fun?
DarkBookGrrl (10:10:57 PM): lie on IMs
...Which, like you already know, is NOT a lie...
HyperLoser (10:11:47 PM): are you any good at it?
DarkBookGrrl (10:12:22 PM): damn right. I'm lyingg to...8 or 9 people right now
HyperLoser (10:13:18 PM): lol, and how many do you think believe you?
DarkBookGrrl (10:13:27 PM): most
HyperLoser (10:13:47 PM): lol, do you think i am part of the magority?
HyperLoser (10:13:51 PM): majority
DarkBookGrrl (10:14:08 PM): we'll stick with magority...That'd be Irish, right?
HyperLoser (10:14:22 PM): lol, i have no idea, not what i am
DarkBookGrrl (10:14:58 PM): eh.
HyperLoser (10:15:19 PM): is that what nationality you are?
DarkBookGrrl (10:15:44 PM): gorsh no, I hate them Irish bastards. Always takin' me land
DarkBookGrrl (10:15:52 PM): oh, wait...that's the british
...Disclaimer: I actually have nothing against the Irish. I'm particularly fond of their national soap and I LOVE corned beef...
HyperLoser (10:16:14 PM): lol, pic?
DarkBookGrrl (10:17:01 PM): heh...no.
HyperLoser (10:17:11 PM): what do you look like?
DarkBookGrrl (10:17:47 PM): hoo, maybe I just copy and paste from the last time I was asked that, or do you wish for a whole new lie?
HyperLoser (10:18:10 PM): which ever you will enjoy more
...Truthfully, neither, but I soldier on...
DarkBookGrrl (10:18:40 PM): ok, dude, I'm fat. I'm like a whole couch. Comfy, but lumpy in the wrong places
DarkBookGrrl (10:18:46 PM): with brown hair.
DarkBookGrrl (10:18:50 PM): or is that dirt?
DarkBookGrrl (10:19:37 PM): so....hard...to...tell...
HyperLoser (10:19:48 PM): havent showered lately huh
DarkBookGrrl (10:19:57 PM): CAN'T FIT INSIDE SHOWER STALL!
DarkBookGrrl (10:20:00 PM): (sob)
HyperLoser (10:20:19 PM): or bend over to reach the garden hose right?
DarkBookGrrl (10:20:34 PM): garden hose?
DarkBookGrrl (10:20:46 PM): there's...there's a way for me to get "clean?"
HyperLoser (10:20:52 PM): lol, no room for a garden in front of the double wide?
DarkBookGrrl (10:21:15 PM): single wide, thanks. I'm not made of money, you know.
...That shit don't grow on trees, after all...
HyperLoser (10:21:31 PM): with a double wide door for entry
DarkBookGrrl (10:21:57 PM): no, see, I'm kinda stuck inside, thanks for reminding me
HyperLoser (10:21:58 PM): or is it a loading dock
DarkBookGrrl (10:22:05 PM): God, I wish...
HyperLoser (10:23:04 PM): can you at least get up and walk on your own, or will they have to remove a wall for the crane to move you?
DarkBookGrrl (10:23:28 PM): maybe if I get up enough momentum...I could just crash through, like motherfucking KOOLAID MAN!
DarkBookGrrl (10:23:34 PM): OH YEAH!
HyperLoser (10:23:55 PM): do you have anice pour spout like him too?
DarkBookGrrl (10:24:07 PM): um, no, I'm still all human.
HyperLoser (10:24:22 PM): damn that coulda been sexy
...OK, What the Hell? Does EVERYONE online have to be a loser pervert? I hope my brain doesn't whirr and clank like that...
DarkBookGrrl (10:24:41 PM): maybe I can buy a prosthetic...like on eebay
HyperLoser (10:25:17 PM): that sounds yummy
DarkBookGrrl (10:25:54 PM): no, PROSTETIC...not prostitute.
HyperLoser (10:26:23 PM): oh i cant read so well, get that mixed up
DarkBookGrrl (10:26:37 PM): figured
HyperLoser (10:27:19 PM): no when you are that round it isnt called a figure
DarkBookGrrl (10:27:34 PM): say it with me..."sphere..."
HyperLoser (10:28:27 PM): so you call a couch the lazy boy right
DarkBookGrrl (10:28:48 PM): no that lazy motherfucker is in prison for robbing a 7-11
DarkBookGrrl (10:28:56 PM): OHHH, never mind...I get it...heh.
HyperLoser (10:29:35 PM): but he got caught for trying to steal the whole slurpee machine for you
DarkBookGrrl (10:29:53 PM): I don't like them Slurpees none.
DarkBookGrrl (10:29:59 PM): I like them TAQUITOS
...and I SO do...But not from 7-11...eck...
HyperLoser (10:30:25 PM): so a box per meal?
DarkBookGrrl (10:30:30 PM): huh?
DarkBookGrrl (10:30:41 PM): is that supposed to be "dirty talk?"
HyperLoser (10:31:08 PM): lol, no, well yeah, when was the last time you showered
DarkBookGrrl (10:31:34 PM): this morning. Seriously, I'm gonna go get this crap formatted for my website and go to bed. Thanks for playing...
...I was tired...Felt like ending this crap...
HyperLoser (10:31:46 PM): what kind of website?
...I still don't rightly know...
DarkBookGrrl (10:31:55 PM): one where I post chat pranks.
DarkBookGrrl (10:32:02 PM): kind....of...like...this one.
HyperLoser (10:32:15 PM): you dont use names do you?
...I know, I caved...
DarkBookGrrl (10:32:27 PM): nah.
DarkBookGrrl (10:32:35 PM): besides, you did good.
...kind of...
HyperLoser (10:32:38 PM): where are you really from?
DarkBookGrrl (10:32:44 PM): seriously?
HyperLoser (10:32:54 PM): yes
DarkBookGrrl (10:32:56 PM): I'm right behind you.
...I sincerely hope, that when he read my response, he glanced behind him...The thought of something like that would make my day...

And so there it is, folks...This is what happens when I log in to upload cartoons to my FTP. I hope, if you didn't enjoy it, you at least found it tolerable. Tolerable enough to come back...

Please, God, say that they'll come back...

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