this post is a true rarity for me...It's being typed up from somewhere OTHER than my trusty Mac workstation at the Agency and, (holy crap), it's being typed INTO THE BLOGGER WINDOW THING! I'M WORKIN' WITHOUT A NET HERE, PEOPLE! Usually I type these silly entry-things into "TextEdit" so's I can...well...edit 'em and save 'em and such, but not today. No, this day I live squarely on the EDGE! Screwy, I know...I'd probably forego posting ANYTHING today (it's a holiday), but I'm so bored...Well...Here I post...

I'm currently sitting in the control room at KSPZ 92.9 FM, the radio station where I work part time. Judging by the station website, though, I don't actually exist. I am, in fact, a non-entity, someone who must've defeated the security permiter, restrained the regular DJs and defiantly went on the air. As cool as that scenario would be, it's not true. The truth is significantly less glamourous, I've simply been forgotten. I am disposable in every sense of the word. The station doesn't HAVE to treat me well to keep me around, they've proven that already. In fact, the only station I've worked for here at Citadel Broadcasting that DID acknowledge my presence was KKFM and, just a couple weeks after my name, although misspelled, was placed on the station website and I was presented with my very own personalized radio jingle sweep...I was taken off of the schedule. No explanation, just replaced...

I'm not bitter or anything, don't get me wrong...But c'mon...What the Hell?..

Anyway, that's neither here nor there. What is here, though, is me. Or would it be "I?" Aw Hell, like I said, I'm "driving the bus" this morning, as it were. Being that it's Labor Day, the "full-timers" are out at Memorial Park for the Colorado Springs Balloon Classic...Due to that, I get stuck, on-air, in the studio. Don't get me wrong, I don't care to be out at the event...In actuality, I'd prefer to be asleep, an activity that I'm sure my agency co-workers are currently enjoying. I've been on the air every day of the three-day Labor day weekend...You might think "ooh, how cool!" I'd disagree, but I like to do that...That facts are that, this being my second stint in radio, I'm just not terribly excited about the whole thing. Truth be told, I was really damn close to simply quitting this "gig" rather than show up for my scheduled shifts this weekend. I've decided that I'm reaching the point of diminishing returns when it comes to this second career of mine and I'm quickly becoming indifferent to the world of broadcasting as a whole. As B.B. King would sing, "the thrill is gone"...

Here's a hint from me to you, kids, if you EVER find yourself thinking about picking up radio, or broadcasting in general, as your career...Don't...You CAN do better for yourself...It doesn't matter what else your prospects are, if you want peace of mind AND the possibility of financial gain, Radio is NOT the place to be..."But what about Howard Stern and Larry King? What about Rush Limbaugh and Don Imus? They make big money in radio!?" you'll ask me...My response would be "Right place, right time, kids." How lucky do you think YOU are? That's what THAT'S all about, friends, luck over skill plus how much ass you can kiss in a given day. Even if you DO have all of the right components in place, the odds of you being the next Limbaugh or Stern are very heavily against you. Best case scenario? You'll most likely top out as the next Randy Hill, who was my boss when I first started. Randy is the most unabashed "yes man" I've ever had the occasion to meet...This not-so-endearing trait HAS afforded him a reasonably successful career as a program director and on-air talent in various markets, but he has no other choice in life than to follow the money, picking up and moving to another market once he's worn out his welcome in whatever one he's in which, oh by the way kids, ALWAYS happens in radio...It's only a matter of time before you're looked upon as expendable, no matter how much praise the management heaps upon you. They'll pat you on the back right up until they hire your replacement and unceremoniusly usher your ass out the door. It's all about the bottom line in corporate radio and, as such, the "talent" sees as little money as possible. In addition to their tight bankroll, corporate radio stations run as lean as they can, with computer technology affording "station clusters" the ability to run with a true skeleton crew which can appear to be a full frickin' airstaff through the black voodoo computer magic that is "voicetracking." In fact, if you hear someone "live" on the air on your local station, chances are...They're not really there...A computer runs the show, segues the music and logs all activity. That same computer allows for individual "live mic" breaks to be PRE-RECORDED up to 2 weeks prior.

Feel ripped off? You should...This happens all over the country...In fact, in a neat little ironic "voicetracking" twist, when my wife and I moved into our new house, the folks at the U-Haul place were LISTENING TO ME while I was SIGNING THE CONTRACT FOR THE TRUCK...Got me some funny looks that day...

Only the smallest percentage of radio people make it big and, unless something changes, that percentage will most likely go DOWN year after year...The aforementioned Computerization, consultant-driven homogenization of station formats, corporate "cluster" ownership and increasingly diverse media availability and options are all combining to erode the already pockmarked face of radio...Long gone are the days of the "boss jock" and, in fact, gone even are the days of the "DJ." As my oh-so-astute Operations Manager explained to us "jocks" in an airstaff meeting last year "The day of the DJ is dead. You do not make any decisions about content, you do not put on a show, you do NOT deviate from the format, you DO NOT play requests...You do what we tell you to do or you will be replaced, I've got dozens of tapes from people all over the country who would fill your position in a heartbeat. You are all a dime a dozen."

Cool...Thanks for the pep talk, chief. In essence, His dumb ass is the organ grinder and I'm paid to be the monkey. And I'm not paid very well at that...

When I "retired" from radio in 1998, I was making $6.00 per hour. That sum represented 5 years of hard work, dedication, improvement and 3 raises...I started in 1993 at what was then "Springs Radio" as an overnight board operator making the laughable sum of $4.25 per hour, minimum wage at the time. For my part-time monkey work now, I make double that, but considering the fact that I have to drive to the far north end of town from my home at the far south end to babysit a computer and say the call letters 4 times per hour, it's just not worth it. There's little to no job satisfaction inherent in my presence here, in fact it's quite a joke. It's not about the money so much, seeing as I can makethe same amount voicing ONE SINGLE radio commercial at the Agency (even though I'm only paid a half rate for THAT) as I can in 5 hours of radio monkey work. If I happen to pick up spots to read at other production houses in town, that amount can double, even triple...

Can you say "disenchantment?" I knew you could...Here, gold star for the day...Ironically enough, my Program Director JUST called to thank me for working this weekend. He said that I've "done an awesome job and that he owes me big"...Being the asshole that I am, I just responded with a simple "yep." Heh...If he only knew...

So, Anyway...Have you ever been listening to the radio in your hometown (or elsewhere) and the DJ comes on and does his or her thing and you think "man, this DJ sucks?" If you have (and I KNOW that you've had occasion to think such things), there's a very simple reason why...The individuals that happen to be unfortunate enough to have fallen into the trap and ACTUALLY MADE RADIO THEIR CAREER are not always the ones who are best at it...Make any sense? A lot of times, the ones who are really very good end up finding their way out, if only into managerial positions within the corporate radio structure. Even then, when those who escape end up with very satisfying careers and peace of mind and all of that noise, they're often referred to as "former DJs" or, god forbid, continue to identify themselves as such...The reason for this comes down to the "X-factor," the intangible lure of possibly being a "celebrity"...DJs are afraid of giving up radio because they're afraid of losing their identity. There are a number of people who fill space on the air in many markets who are simply there because they're willing to trade a liveable wage, job security and other really great things for that great stupid intangible...

"celebrity." Say it with me, "celebrity..." it sounds so seductive! Wouldn't you like to be one? Well, if you're on the radio full time, you'd certainly become one, wouldn't you? if only on a local level, you too could be "COOL."

Truth be told, you don't REALLY become a cool-ass celebrity, which is just as well, as not many people are truly equipped to handle such things. Don't get me wrong, you can still be cool...That's completely up to you...If you want celebrity status, though, you're gonna have to star in a major motion picture or fire some rounds at a political figure or something...Oh sure, when you're a radio DJ you'll get to have your one or two (10 or 11 if you're female) personal nutcase stalkers who think that YOU, mr. radio man, are their VERY BESTEST FRIEND because you happen to be transported into their homes and cars and, by proxy, their very lives via the voodoo magic that are radio airwaves...These stalker-people can range from benignly annoying to downright fucking scary. I've never had any "fans" whos behavior progressed beyond mildly annoying, but my sister, when she was a recognizable on-air personality, had (among her collection) her own personal stalker named Jesse. Jesse lived in La Junta (probably still does) and was totally head-over-heels in love with her. Well, to be fair, he was in love with her voice. So much so, in fact, that he asked my sister to marry him on many occasions. He routionely sent gifts to her at the station's address, including a...well, for lack of a better phrase, a framed "Glamour Shot" of himself all dressed up like the Frito Fucking Bandito, replete with a sombrero, two pistolas and a bandolier or three. It was good for a chuckle, but deep down I was always a wee bit concerned that, someday, he'd actually show up, stinkin' drunk, brandishing those pistolas...Luckily, nothing like that happened, but things like that HAVE happened to people in similar situations...

Anyway, I've bitched enough about this topic. In about an hour I'll be going home so I can (hopefully) rest up for work tomorrow. Perhaps this WILL be the last time I'm ever on the air...I guess time will tell...If history is any judge, I'll keep coming back for more...I'm not terribly bright, after all...

Labels: holidays, me roots, misguided rantings, radio stories