Quite often, we engage in "game night" at my parent's house. By "we," I mean me, my Wife, my Mom, my Sister and whomever else may be around (Dad works when my Sister doesn't, so they CAN be interchangeable...kind of). It's not always organized, an actual game night CAN be nothing more than dropping by and playing cards. It can, however, be a highly organized event to which people are invited and hijinks ensue. Either way, some of the funniest things I have ever witnessed have been born from these "game nights" (pour water on these, for example). I often lament not having some sort of recording, video or otherwise, of these events to share with others. At the very least, I could use them to illustrate how much fun we have. And it'd be much easier than trying to describe something extremely funny out of context.

That having been said, I'm going to try and explain what happened at our most recent game night...

One of the games we played that night is a simple board game called Loaded Questions. A loose definition of the game is as follows: Whomever's "turn" it is gets to read a question from a card. The other players then write their answer on their sheet and pass the sheets to the person who's on the left of the "asker." The answers are read aloud, in random order, and the asker then has to guess who wrote what, getting points for correct answers. Things change if there's a "reversal," but that doesn't matter so much for the purposes of my little story here...Anyway, the game is ok, sometimes it's way too easy to guess who's what...I figure it's meant to be more of a "party game," in the sense that it should be played amongst people who HAVEN'T necessarily known each other their WHOLE lives. With this in mind, I sometimes find it's beneficial to "waste a turn," so to speak, to write something shocking or funny, rather than be completely truthful...

Hey, everyone knows you have to lie to be funny...Right?..Anyway...

During this particular game of Loaded Questions, my Mother was required to pose the question "What's the WORST thing you can possibly call someone?" I could tell that my Wife and my Sister were taking this question SOMEWHAT seriously...I debated in my head for a short while and, even though I WAS able to come up with a few ultra-derogatory remarks, decided to "waste" this particular turn to see how rock-solid and straight-faced my wife could be, seeing as she was the one who would get to read the answers during this turn...I WANTED to put something funny...Ironically, the first thing that popped in my head was "Mary, Queen of Scots." Strange, I know...It WAS irreverent, but I figured it was too vague and off-topic to be truly "funny." I knew I had to come up with something that carried good shock value, but that had enough syllables to make it's reading difficult, at least with straight face. I decided upon my choice of derogatory terms and handed to my Wife. As I did, I suddenly thought about exactly what I had written and immediately had to hide my face with my hat. I couldn't keep a straight face myself...My wife looked at the paper and fell face down into the table, trying, but failing, to maintain her composure.

"I had scored," I thought...

My wife did regain her composure just long enough to begin reading the answers. "poo-poo" was the first one, her own, stemming from the fact that her Mother (my Mother-in-law) had seen fit to bestow this horrifying nickname on her when she was young. Next to come was the phrase "the 'C' word," my Sister's answer. I remember that an ex-boyfriend of hers called her "the 'C' word" once. She immediately slammed him into a wall in the presence of some of their co-workers, an act that damaged his pride severely (way to go, I always thought). My poor wife then had to tackle the arduous task of reading MY answer. Taking a deep breath, she was able to emit the phrase "Shittyfu" before once again collapsing on the table, unable to control her laughter..."What is it!?" my Mom and Sister both demanded...WHAT COULD BE SO HARD TO READ? My poor, poor wife was finally able to scream my little answer for all to hear...

it says "SHITTY FUCKERPANTS!"

OK, I'll grant you that it doesn't LOOK like much, sitting there all by it's lonesome...In the context of our game, however, it was enough to cause a total shutdown. I couldn't stop laughing, mostly from my Mother's shock at what she had just heard and my Sister, since she was laughing. If others start laughing, I can't stop...My wife was laughing...We were, in fact, all nearly incapacitated with gleeful laughter, our brains seemingly still rolling the phrase "shitty fuckerpants" around in our heads, trying to make some sense of it but finding none. I personally experienced one of the most satisfactory and physically draining bouts of laughter that I've ever had. I truly think I came as close to "dying of laughter" as I had in a long, long time. Hell, my answer even caught ME by surprise, Seeing as I had to decide on it and write it so quickly. I still can't say the phrase with a straight face. Try it!..You'll smile, at the very least, even if you don't want to...

Lost in this maelstrom of glee, however, was the fact that my Mom STILL had to decide who wrote what...The show must go on, after all...

Still laughing hysterically, she jabbed her finger at my wife and shouted "YOU'RE POO POO!" My Wife's eyes widened...I can only imagine what kind of horrible memories flooded back for her at that precise moment. Not missing a beat, my Mom points at me and yells "YOU'RE THE FUCKERPANTS!" she then swivels around, looks straight at my sister, and bellows "So that means YOU'RE THE CUN*!" Gasps, shock and more wide eyes suddenly accompanied the uncontrollable chortling at the table, even my Mom hadn't quite realized what she had said until she said it...None of us could stop laughing...We had all just been called the worst possible things in the world by our Mother (in-law for my wife, but you get the picture.) This simple exercise into exposing our opinions had suddenly become a raucous, name-calling 10-minute laugh-riot...I really wish that I had a video tape of the whole thing, I really can't do the incident justice with my little typings...I will, however, never forget it...Even when I'm really really old. I mean REALLY old. I'll be in my wheelchair at the old folks home muttering "fuckerpants...fuckerpants..."

I wish I could laugh like that all the time.

Labels: lame stories, stuff mom's done