Thursday, March 04, 2004

Debbie's Done With Dallas... 

Before we start today, I should mention that I am neither an expert nor an afficionado when it comes to the subject of pornography. I have, however, patronized enough video rental establishments in my lifetime that I have seen the covers of many porn titles available to rent. One of the things I find both funny, and sad at the same time, is that for nearly every recent 'legitimate' film release, there will invariably be a "porno equivalent." (example: the Addams Family movie was redone as 'the Maddams Family' and so on.) I offer for your amusement today, what I figure some of the porn-title equivalents of recent feature films will be...If these aren't currently available at your local mom and pop video outlet, give them time. Maybe a week, tops. Anyway, away we go:

"Under the Tuscan Sun" becomes "Under the Tuscan SON"

synopsis: Michael Jackson escapes to Tuscany, buys a villa, finds some boys and hi-jinks ensue.

"Cold Mountain" becomes "Cold MOUNTIN'"

synopsis: A female scientist thaws a caveman from a block of ice, seventies music ensues and he gets all...well...caveman on her.

"Whale Rider" becomes...well "Whale Rider"

synopsis: Adventures of a modern day Don Juan with a taste for larger women. Hey, shut up, the whole POST is offensive...

"Finding Nemo" becomes "HIDING Nemo"

synopsis: a tale of body-part pet names, fornication and frolic. No fish in this one. Maybe for the sequel.

"Dirty, Pretty Things" becomes, well...ok... "Dirty, Pretty Things"

synopsis: homeless humpin'.
Hey, now...Don't kill the messenger.

"Girl With The Pearl Earring" becomes, obviously "Girl With the Pearl NECKLACE"

synopsis: ZZ Top's first foray into pornographic media, they do the soundtrack. Unfortunately, they also do some of the humpin'. Things fall out of beards. It's a mess.

"Big Fish" becomes "Big Fishy"

synopsis: The Pornographic film equivalent of the Bloodhound Gang's immortal classic "You're Pretty When I'm Drunk." If you haven't heard it, hear it. Then re-read this, it'll be MUCH funnier.

"Les Triplettes of Belleville" becomes "The Triplets of Buttville"

synopsis: Three horny french ladies and their vacation back-door exploits. There are subtitles, but all the grunts and groans are in English.

"Brother Bear" becomes "Brother BARE"

synopsis: Set in Arkansas, a magical, yet horrifying tale of streaking gone terribly wrong. Also: 70s guitar music and shenanigans. And goings-on. And Stuff.

"Pirates of the Caribbean" becomes "BUTT Pirates of the Caribbean"

synopsis: The quest for the ass pearl! If the ass pearl were hidden in someone's piewagon, that is.

That's all I could come up with on short notice. Some of these may already exist. If they do, I'm sure Tony's seen them. We'll have to solicit a review or two sometime in the future.

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