Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Just Because I Don't Post, Doesn't Mean I Don't Care... 

So it's Tuesday, the day commonly reserved for talk about how bad Monday sucked and, oh by the way, Wednesday's comin' and won't it be great when it's Thursday 'cause it's closer to Friday and then HOT SHIT, it's FRIDAY and...

Oh, crap, it's still Tuesday, isn't it?..Well Hell...How about some more of that crappy scam spam to tide you all over until Awesomecast day?
From: don_newport@ivenus.com
Subject: GOOD DAY.
Date: Sat, 09 Sep 2006 10:40:11 +0100 (BST)
STANDARD BANK LONDON Pretty official so far...
5TH FLOOR CANNON BRIDGE HOUSE ooh, doesn't THAT sound regal?
EC4R 2SB UNITED KINDOM. Aaaand...Crap. "Kindom?" What the fuck is a kindom? This guy must have next of kin on his dirty Nigerian brain...Anyhow, let's begin:

GOOD DAY TO YOU, And a fine day to you, but please, don't shout so.

MY NAME IS MR. DON NEWPORT, Hi there, Donny! WORKING WITH THE MINING FINANCE DEPT. WITH STANDARD BANK LONDON. Conveniently located in the United KINdom. Seven locations in the Swinging London Metro Area to Serve all of your fraudulent banking needs!

WE HAD A FOREIGN CUSTOMER go figure WHO DEPOSITED A HUGE SUM OF MONEY no WAY WITH OUR BANK, WHO LATER DIED you don't say AS A RESULT OF PLANE CRASH hey, these guys only have the one plane, too! IN 1999. BEFORE HIS DEATH at the hands...er...landing gear of that vile plane, HE TRANSFERED THE SUM OF US$26.5M did you say "US?" (TWENTY-SIX MILLION FIVE HUNDREDTHOUSAND UNITED SATES DOLLARS OH! OH! My prayers, they have been answered! No more will I have to handle Hella big stacks of British pound monies! It's finally time for the real folding monies! AMERICAN DOLLARS! Oh hot shit, when can we get started?) TO A BANK IN AMSTERDAM, HOLLAND. just a guess: he was planning on spending it on dope, hookers and pomme frites (with mayonnaise), not necessarily in that order (and not necessarily just on the pomme frites)

SINCE THE DEATH OF THIS CUSTOMER Lousy foreigner that he was, I PERSONALLY HAVE WATCHED WITH KEEN INTEREST See, I had him in my "ghoul pool" TO SEE THE NEXT OF KIN had them too BUT ALL HAS PROVED ABORTIVE AS NO ONE HAS COME TO CLAIM HIS FUNDS OF ohh, tell it slow US oh yeah $26.5M OH yeah (TWENTY-SIX MILLION YES! FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND YES! YES! UNITED STATES DOLLARS Oh sweet JESUS! YES! yes! um...oh...sorry...go on.) WHICH HAS BEEN WITH THE BANK IN HOLLAND dope, hookers, slathered in mayonnaise FOR A VERY LONG TIME since 1999, even!. ON THIS NOTE I DECIDED TO SEEK FOR WHOSE NAME SHALL BE USED AS THE NEXT OF KIN AS NO ONE HAS COME UP TO BE THE NEXT OF KIN because there HAS to be a next of kin! This is the united KINdom, for Christ's sake! What kind of empire would we be here if we didn't have A NEXT OF KIN!? Seriusly, I'm asking....

IN VIEW OF THIS I GOT YOUR CONTACT THROUGH MY COUNTRY'S FOREIGN TRADE MISSION 'cause, you know, you do so much trading with us foreginers AFTER I WAS CONVINCED BY PROVIDENCE she works in shipping and receiving, we go out for drinks from time to time THAT YOU COULD BE USED and by "used," of course we mean "bludgeoned to death for your monies" AS THE NEXT OF KIN. In fact, you, currently, are in a state of "Next of KINdom!" Ha ha! Get it? A little scammer humor! Ha ha...Why aren't you laughing, dammit?

THE REQUEST OF THE FOREIGNER AS A NEXT OF KIN IN THIS BUSINESS IS OCCASIONED BY THE FACT THAT THE CUSTOMER WAS A FOREIGNER and you all look alike, so... AND YOU SHARE THE SAME SURNAME your surname, for the purposes of this transaction, is Pfaltergrast. Seriously, you better learn to spell it, there'll be "documents" for you to sign, AND SOMEBODY IN LONDON CANNOT STAND AS THE NEXT OF KIN 'cause, DUH, we ain't foreigners! TO OUR LATE CUSTOMER plane fall down, go boom. I AGREED THAT US$5 MILLION wait, what? OF THIS MONEY WILL BE FOR YOU AS A FOREIGN PARTNER well, thanks...but... FOR PROVIDING AN ACCOUNT sure, I can do that, but..., WHILE THE REST WILL BE FOR ME you greedy ASSHOLE! THEM'S AMERICAN DOLLARS AND THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE FOR ME! You dirty...AAAAAAHHHHHH! Dammit!, THEREAFTER, I WILL VISIT YOUR COUNTRY FOR DISBURSEMENT oh, you'll get your "disbursement," pal! You'll get disbursed right upside your foreign head...Measly 5 million, you asshole... AS I AM ALMOST DUE FOR RETIREMENT and you'll retire, by God...I'll see to it PERSONALLY.

I WILL NOT FAIL TO BRING TO YOUR NOTICE THAT THIS BUSINESS IS HITCH-FREE Oh, well that makes all the difference then! You go ahead, take $21.5 million American folding dollars for you whilst I get $5 million. Without hitches, I feel so much better! AND THAT YOU SHOULD NOT ENTERTAIN ANY FEAR you should HAVE fear. Don't get me wrong, you should be as fearful as ever: just do not entertain that fear. No singing, no dancing, no jokes and FOR GOD'S SAKE, no fucking Vaudeville acts...I hate it when fear is entertained AS THE WHOLE REQUIRED ARRANGEMENT HAS BEEN MADE FOR THE bludegeoning...er...TRANSFER. YOU SHOULD CONTACT ME IMMEDIATELY YOU RECEIVE THIS EMAIL OR CALL ME ON MY NUMBER +44 704 0128295. I'm putting you in my address book right now, dirty scammer!

TRUSTING TO HEAR FROM YOU. Keep on trusting, pal...

YOURS RESPECTFULLY, Mine? Cool! It's like the first Valentine I've received in YEARS!
MR. DON NEWPORT Foreign scammer extraordinaire
+44 704 012 8295

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