I should probably preface today's irrational, rant-tinged entry by saying that I have not seen, nor do I intend to see, the feature film which was (loosely) based upon the long dead television series "the Dukes of Hazzard." The reasons which I refuse to see the film are simple: I've already seen the television show and did not deem it worthy of being made into a movie PLUS, I have decided to make it standard practice never to waste my money on any film which seems to have been cast solely based on who had the most Google search hits in a given week...

No, I'm serious...How in Hell can Lisa Mae Fincannon
and Mary Vernieu possibly justify ANY of their choices for the characters in the movie? Hacks, the both of them...Allow me to elaborate...Actually, we need to back things up a bit, THEN I'll elaborate...

In the first place, there's no good reason for a Dukes of Hazzard movie to have ever been produced. The entertainment industry in general seems to think that nostalgia is the only thing which will make Gen Xers part ways with their money and, as such, there have been way too many half-assed attempts at such, including the questionably-cast live-action Scooby Doo movies. Look, I like watching "I love the 80s" one time around, just like the next Xer, but constant bombardment with childhood memories gets real old, real fast. I mean, lets face facts: The quality of television entertainment has improved significantly since I was a kid...The last thing I want to do is revisit a marginal television show in a vain attempt to feel like said kid for a couple of short hours...

With that said, the movie WAS made and it was done poorly (a claim which I feel confident in making, despite my earlier revelation that I have not seen the film). The evidence which I will use to support my claim, as I already stated, is the cast itself...

The character of Luke, originally played by Tom Wopat, was given to Johnny Knoxville who, without the television show Jackass, would've had little to no career to speak of in acting. Come to think of it, he STILL should have little to no career, he can't fucking ACT...Bo, personified by Jon Schneider in the 80s, was played by Seann William Scott who, given the fact that he comes off as "mentally challenged," would've made a better Enos or Cooter than a Bo...M.C. Gainey wasn't a terrible pick to play Roscoe but his having appeared in the movie Sideways means that he is officially dead to me. Forever. Burt Reynolds as Boss Hogg is simply an insult to the legacy of Sorrell Booke and WHAT THE HELL were those two casting bitches smoking when they cast Willie Fucking Nelson as Uncle Jesse? Look, kids...Uncle Jesse may have had a hard time paying the mortgage on the old farm from time to time but he weren't no damn tax-evadin', dope-smokin' hippie. What. The. Fuck.

You know, all of what I just outlined for you is pretty bad, not doubt about it. The worst part is, though, that it's not the worst part!..Nay, the most egregious example of "Google-hit casting," as I mentioned before, HAS to be that none other than Jessica Simpson was given the role of Daisy Duke...That's right, the chick who is so stupid that her own dad has to make a point to tell the media that she's NOT stupid was tapped to play the female lead. Not only that, but in yet another inexplicable move, she was given the task of recording the Nancy Sinatra song "These Boots" for the movie's soundtrack...I can almost see the meeting where all of this boneheadedness came out of playing out in the imaginary movie theatre inside my tiny little brain...

board room full of idiots, one idiot speaks...
"...and for the role of Daisy, we'll have the current "it girl" Jessica Simpson! She appeared in over 500,000 Google searches last week alone!"

inane applause, mooing

random idiot speaks "Ooh, doesn't she sing, too?"

"I think so, yes!"

"Perfect! She'll do a song for the movie...What songs were done for the TV show? How about that 'Good Ol' Boys' song?"

"No, no...It has to be a female song...What did the Daisy character Sing?"

"um.....She liked grits, I think"

...5 minutes of stupefied silence...

One idiot speaks "She wore boots!"

"Perfect! She can sing that song about boots!"
more applause, mooing...One of the idiots drops on the floor, stone dead...The diagnosis: abject stupidity

Ok, for the sake of argument, I'll allow you all to simply forget the fact that the original song in question predated the Dukes of Hazzard television series by like...More than a decade. I'll also give a pass to the fact that, in the show, Daisy didn't wear boots, she wore heels. I'll even allow the fact that the Daisy character was famous for her tiny little shorts (just ask those rap guys) as opposed to her footwear to slide...Even given all of that leeway, and I feel I'm being EXCEEDINGLY generous here, I still cannot see how having that idiot chick recording a song that had abso-fucking-lutely NOTHING to do with the original TV series could make any sense outside of just "keeping her dumb ass busy."

It's retarded...

And now, as if I haven't been tortured enough, the stupid song has been (poorly) redone for a Pizza Hut commercial (the most annoying on television, currently) featuring that same, stupid chick...I have to say, that doesn't speak well for the creative department of the Hut's advertising agency at all...

Look, all I'm really trying to say, after all of that pointless ranting, is this: ATTENTION, MOVIE PEOPLE! Quit trying to force "nostalgia" down my throat and start giving me something worth a damn...If you could find a way to pull your collective heads out of your asses, even for a second or two, and put together a decent, fresh idea, I just might be persuaded to spend a little money here and there...Just maybe...

You all have a good Monday now...

Labels: misguided rantings