I could be making up for lost (blog) time, I guess, or it could be simply that if I don't spew some of the following I will, in fact, explode (leaving a gooey, evil mess). Either way, you all are now about to be broadsided by a (possibly incomplete) list of things that I, your humble host, hate with every fiber of my being...

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Drivers! When the big yellow sign says that your lane, whether it be the left or the right, ends, just get the Hell over. Hugging the line in denial that said lane is, in fact, about to cease to be does not make you cool, it makes you look like a buffoon.

Drivers who choose to drive with your stereo blasting, shaking my domicile with your bass! Just because you drive around "bumpin'" or "thumpin'" or what have you DOES NOT MAKE YOU HARDCORE. It also doesn't make you a "gangsta." You are NOT a bad ass and someday you will be treated to a first-hand demonstration as to how much of one you are not.

In addendum: wearing your hat, especially one of those mesh-back trucker hats, sideways, backwards or in any way other than forward makes you look retarded. I WILL point at you and laugh when I see you. Deal with it.

Dogs.

Dog Owners! If you feel compelled to own a dog, yet also feel compelled to keep your lawn looking "neat" by walking your dog around so that they may crap on other people's lawns, you are an asshole. When I let you know about your asshole status, deal with it. Also: learn from it.

Political advertising. How stupid do people think we are!? I can see through your bullshit, Ken Salazar!

Celery.

Jim Rome.

Van Earl Wright...Heloooooooooooooo, I'madumbaaaaaassssss! What the Hell happened to Tony Bruno?

Deion Sanders.

Kids who "Street Race!" You are NOT too fast OR too furious. You are, unfortunately, too stupid and will end up making yourself or, God forbid, someone else too dead. Stop hanging out at the Shell station. I mean it.

People who assume. TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, DAMMIT!..

Anise. ick...

People who add carrots to dishes "just to give it some color." Fuck color! I just want the crap you serve me to be palatable! Carrots suck.

Warren Sapp.

"Smooth jazz."

The Family Circus.

Hi and Lois.

People who categorically label George Bush as "unintelligent" while lauding John Kerry as a genius. Just because some newspaper reporter somewhere considered Bill Clinton, or any Democrat, to be "intelligent" doesn't make it fact. Your ability to compute isn't tied to your political affiliation, jackass...Just because you want to be right, or smart, doesn't make it so.

Along the same lines, and contrary to popular feminist and/or liberal opinion, Hillary Clinton is NOT the smartest woman on earth. If she were, she'd be doing something more honorable with her life.

Politics.

Email forwards.

Being pissed off.
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Ok kids, there are just a few. Have fun with 'em, but don't get yourself dirty...We're having company over for dinner...

Labels: misguided rantings