So I watched CSI: New York last night, which was a premiere that I was ACTUALLY looking forward to. I'm a HUGE fan of the original CSI, but cannot stand to watch CSI: Miami. The characters on the Miami show just don't endear themselves to me like the ones in Las Vegas do. Capt. Brass, Gil Grissom, the DNA kid, (and the rest) just feel familiar. In addition to that, I've been to Las Vegas many times (I have family there AND I like to gamble and eat) so the locations that are featured in the episodes feel familiar as well. The Miami spinoff, though, with their uppity (and unfamilar) Miami characters and their uppity (and unfamilar) Miami locales and the orange camera filter and the stuff and the things...Well, suffice to say it's not on my list.

Frankly, I don't watch a whole lot of television and, with that in mind, I watch even less network TV. If it's not sports or Alton Brown or Iron Chef on the Food Network, I'm probably doing something else. There's just not a whole lot out there that I enjoy. But back to my having watched CSI: New York...

Before I start picking the premiere apart, I have to say that I think that Gary Sinise is a phenomenal actor. The caveat here is that I think he's at his best WHEN HE'S PLAYING A SINISTER CHARACTER. In the case of CSI: New York, where he's playing the Gil Grissom equivalent character, I just don't find him likable, or even believable. In actuality, and especially with the reveal at the end of the episode that he's the token 9-11 victim in the show, his character comes off as merely pathetic and haggard. "Detective Mac" gives me the impression that he has nothing to live for and that it's only a matter of time before CSI ends up "processing" him. Also, his corny interaction with the coma patient (especially after he KNEW she was brain-dead) and his constant, screwed-up, constipated face left me feeling a bit shorted. Grade: D

did I mention earlier that I didn't like the overuse of the orange-ish filter on the camera shots in CSI: Miami? Yes, yes I did...Well, with the New York spinoff, it's the overuse of a blue-ish filter that gives the whole show a dingy and depressing overtone. My only experience with New York City has been through movies and television where, in general, New York City is portrayed as a dirty, imposing prison of a city where the streets and the alleys are packed full of psychos. Ok, not always, but CSI: New York certainly continues along these lines. In fact, since my only "real-life" experience with New York City was driving through it on the way to Boston last summer, and being totally intimidated by it's sheer size, CSI: New York doesn't give me a "jones" to visit anytime soon...

Anyhoo, I should probably type a bit in regards to the (thin) plot of this opening show. I know that the mystery pretty much HAS to be wrapped up in an hour, but c'mon...Try and throw us off A LITTLE BIT...According to the 2000 US census, the population of New York City and it's surrounding boroughs hovers just around 15 million people. Of that, around 250,000 reported Russian ancestry. Now, granted, that's around 1% of the population, but the FIRST RUSSIAN GUY THEY TALK TO ENDS UP BEING THE KILLER just because they found cyrillic writing on a medical bag where they found the last victim? C'mon...Also, way to just about completely rip off the movie The Bone Collector for the killer's method of selecting his victims. Psh. Grade: C-.

Back to the cast, though...Gary Sinise isn't the only disappointment...Melina Kanakaredes, who portrays Det. Stella, seemed to do nothing more than follow Sinise's character around and feel sorry for him, asking him when he'd go home to rest (his reply: "what's sleep?") and generally just looking sad and concerned. So far, a very shallow character who always has that "I'm cocking my head to make it look like I'm thinking deep, but in reality my brain is as barren as the Gobi desert" pose about her. Go fight some crime, or at the very least, process a crime scene. If Mr. "My wife died in 9-11" doesn't want to take a nap, he doesn't have to. Also: Does EVERY show that's set in New York City HAVE to feature a pouty-lipped, ambiguously hispanic female (in this case, Vanessa Ferlito as Aiden) who cannot seem to do her job without posturing and attitude? Christ, people, it's been done (again, see Bone Collector or Third Watch). In addition: Eddie Cahill...Nice to see that he's been working on a New York accent for his role as "tough guy" detective Don. Newsflash: I'm not buyin' it, Eddie...I do NOT believe in Miracles this time...Hill Harper plays Dr. Sheldon, the coroner guy...At least he got the opportunity to say the phrase "petechial hemorrhaging" right off the bat, a CSI staple. His character, however, comes off as a little underqualified for his job. There's some Carmine guy who plays some guy named Danny, a largely forgettable character. I can't really remember anything he said except for "down goes Frazier" when describing how the killer initially subdued his victims. Has that phrase NOT been said by everybody in the free world yet? If you haven't uttered it, get it out of the way now, and use a good "Howard Cosell" voice while you do it. After you've done that, file it away forever. t's not so cool anymore...There are other cast members on CSI: NY, just as there are on the other CSIs, but they, too, came off as forgettable. Overall cast grade: D-.

When it's all said and done, I'm just gonna stick with the original (and best) CSI show which, in case you didn't already know, has it's season premiere tonight. I CANNOT WAIT! As for CSI: NY, if you liked it...Well, good for you. Next week's episode features the (legendary) New York sewer rats, or maybe they're just (legendary) rats in general. Again, though, DID ANYONE SEE BONE COLLECTOR? I damn well KNOW that the CSI: NY "creative team" did...Sheesh...

Overall Grade for CSI: NY...D+.

Labels: misguided rantings, watchin' teevees